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"A greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances." - Martha Washington

When I stepped out of the house today, it was cloudy, as if the surroundings were depicting my mood. The few morning rays peeking through the gray fluffs cast a dim morning light on the beach, cloaking the chill in the crisp autumn air. The beach was deserted, save a few walkers and sandpipers. It was still nippy, but I wanted to catch the early morning waves and avoid the crowds. As I swam into the bay with my board shielding me, the cold water chilled me to the bone, but I didn't care. It was exhilarating to ride right into the tube of the misty, foam filled waves. An hour in, a slight drizzle drove away the walkers. I continued to surf until the drizzle turned into a steady downpour, forcing me to stop. My muscles were straining from the added stress as I headed back, my mood sourer than when I had started.

I heard voices in Raf's garage/workshop as I hoisted my board against the wall and walked in.

"He didn't tell me school was back on." Raf was talking to a girl whose back was towards the door. But I could tell who those wavy brown locks belonged to anywhere. My heart skipped a beat with pleasure. The joy didn't last long though. I was already annoyed with myself for being momentarily happy that she had travelled all this way for me.

"It's nearly March Raf. You probably could have worked it out," I scowled.

"Hey, how are you?" Tara's voice was tinged with concern.

"Freezing," I grumbled as I walked over to grab a towel. I did not have to turn around to see what her reaction was. I could imagine the distress on her face.

"I forgot Tara called the other day and I said she should come up and say hi," Raf explained. How he could forget something like that was beyond me. I had no explanation for my growing anger at him. I however, finally knew why I was cross with her. Sammy's death seemed not to have changed her one bit; not her outlook, not her thoughtfulness, not her loyalty… whereas I suffered with the terrible burden every minute of every day…

"Anyway, you guys probably want to.… you know I should…" he said awkwardly, leaving me and Tara alone.

"So, what's happening? Have you been doing any classes?"

"Yeah, at Kingston Central's class of Arts," I replied derisively.

"Christian, I am sorry for just showing up but you promised you'd come back and I can handle you breaking that promise. But then totally falling off the grid…didn't you think we'd worry about you?"

The care in her voice grated on my nerves. I wanted to yell, the anger in me portending to break free. Instead I chose cynicism again knowing that would force her to partake in my gloom. "Who's we?"

"Everyone, your friends!"

As I shrugged my sweatshirt on, I finally looked her in the eye and said, "I've got friends here. Have a safe trip back." Liar! My inner voice screamed at me. But I silenced it, pushing into a corner of my brain hoping it would stay there for eternity.

I saw her smile falter and fade as my harsh comments found their mark. As I walked away from her, the pain in her eyes haunted me. I should have been pleased that she left without another word. Once again I had crushed her heart with my cruelty, yet I felt no sense of triumph. Instead, I felt this ache deep in my chest, as an old agony resurfaced. The pain brought with it the realization that my heart would never stop longing for Tara, no matter how much I told myself that I should stay away from her. Despite my best intentions to hang onto it, this illogical hatred was starting to loosen its vice-like grip on me.