Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.
It had been weeks since she had done anything. She had not hunted, she had not moved, she had not made a sound. She knew she was worrying her family or what was left of it anyway. She could hear their hushed whispers concerning her state. She could smell their anxiety, their sadness, their worry. Every once in a while when she could hear Jake's snores coming from the living room, she would avert her eyes to his and Ness' reflections in the window of the box she had put herself into. She could tell Jake was in pain, even with Ness there in his arms. Not because she had heard him talking to Carlisle on the phone regarding her building thirst. Not because he had pleaded with her to feed before the thirst consumed her or that he had even thought to call Charlie on her behalf. That phone conversation had certainly not gone well, considering it was one-sided but she had heard him, she just couldn't form words never mind sounds to indicate she had. Not the fact that Seth and Leah now constantly passed her by on their nightly patrols, trying to gauge the level of danger by the color of her eyes. No. None of these things had told her just how much pain her best friend was in. No. It was in the way his face now rested when he was asleep. It never contained the innocence and freedom from all his responsibilites that she had so often seen him wear during sleep over the years. The peace that had come so naturally to him in this state. He was worried, even when he was dreaming. He was having nightmares. She would hear him, waking with a sharp gasp, sitting straight up, looking around until his eyes rested on her in the corner. These always seemed to happen the nights when Nessie would be in her room upstairs after Jake had sat with her until she fell asleep. He would come downstairs, slowly, almost exhaustedly as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He would then glance to Bella's corner, determine that a movement would not be made, saunter into the kitchen lazily, eat something, move back into the living room where he would collapse onto the couch. He would again look over at Bella, study her for a while, letting his thoughts run amuck with the current situation she had no doubt and then eventually drift off into a restless sleep. And then that face would be back. It hurt her a little to see him bearing the brunt and responsibility for her and her daughter. Yes, Nessie was his imprint so he would always be there for her but Bella knew she was as good as an unfit mother these past few weeks. She had not spoken one word to Renesmee. The pain was just too great. She couldn't bring herself to even try to console her daughter. When she would catch a glimpse of Ness in the glass, she would see the bronze curls that extended to the small of her back. And this automatically brought him to mind. And she would feel the pain of the hole again. The hole she thought had been healed by Edwar-by his return. The hole that could only be destroyed by her leaving her mortal life behind and embracing her new supernatural one. This was a hole that would never be healed. A hole that would never go away, never be able to be plugged up by anyone or anything. This was a hole that would only go away when she ceased to exist. And these thoughts always brought her back to her daughter. She had fought for her, even against-him. She had immediately recruited Rosalie in her cause, she had stood fast against all reason and common sense thrown her way by the Cullen family, by her best friend and even by her own husband. Even death. She had refused to let go once she saw that beautiful angelic face of her child. The face she had held onto once she was burning. The face that held her here still to this now weary existence she hated to call her own. She did love her daughter but how was she supposed to do this on her own? Edward-she waited for the pain that would surely come at the thought of his name. Right on cue, the hole surged uncontrollably to the point where Bella felt breathless at its effects which was a difficult thing to do being she was a vampire but somehow the hole succeeded. After some time, she allowed her thought process to continue. Minus his name of course. He hadn't even told her what he was going to do. Alice had learned of the Volturi's intended visit through a vision and everyone had feared the worst. There was no way they could keep Renesmee's existence a secret. Aro would know within one touch of Alice or Carlisle or him and there would be no stopping it. And they certainly couldn't afford to send away any of the Cullens. They needed every ounce of strength they had. It appeared to be a lose-lose situation and Bella, for the first time since her transformation, felt helpless. She had never wanted him to know just how afraid she was. For him, for their daughter, for their family, for Jacob, for the packs, for her father. In one swoop, they would all become memories, mere indentations in the dust settled around the town of Forks. Renesmee would be forced to join the ranks of the Volturi thanks to her half-vampire status and remarkable gift. He, Bella and the Cullen family wouldn't allow that never mind Jacob and the wolves. Dead, all of them would be. Without even so much as a second's hesitation from the vampire world's ruling triumvirate. But somehow he had known and he had had the same fears as her. And somehow he had made the decision, that damn ridiculous noble decision, to go to the Volturi instead and offer his life up to them. A suicidal offensive that would ensure he would be a pile of ashes before Aro was able to use his gift to obtain the information he wanted. And at the same time, somehow, convincing them of his grief at his love's supposed death, just like last time, before forcing them into action. A last act to ensure the safety of his family. Again, without a second's hesitation and without Alice being able to see. At least until it was too late.
She hated him for that. And she hated herself for hating him. He had made the ultimate sacrifice for his daughter, his family, his allies, for her. Noble and honorable didn't even begin to cover it. But how did he think she was supposed to go on? Didn't he realize what he had done to her last time he had left? Left but out there, still existing? At least she had known then that he was still alive. This was worse. Way worse. She would never feel his fingers on her own ever again. She would never see the crooked smile again she had always loved. She would never hear his smooth velvet voice again, not even in a delusion, as she had so often after he had left her the first time. She would never kiss him. Ever. Again. That thought alone made her spiral down into the black nothingness her life had now become. As dark and black as her eyes were beginning to show. She felt the burning in her throat constantly and she knew she was at her limit. However, she couldn't find it in herself to move to feed, never mind the desire to. Just as she had willingly clinged to the burning pyre within her body those three days after Renesmee's birth so he would never know her pain, she now martyred herself back onto that pyre again. Only this time, the pyre might spur her unwillingly into action against those she loved if she didn't quench it soon. She had to feed. She had to. But how could she? How could she worry about something so trivial when her love, her mate, for all intents and purposes, was gone for good? An eternity without him? How could she ever face that? Even when Jacob had offered to bring dinner home for her, any animal of her choice to feed off of, she just couldn't entertain it. Even when she heard Carlisle suggest to Jake over the phone the spare blood supply locked up in his office. Even when Jake had retrieved it, put it into that cup with the straw she had drunk from that seemed so long ago and offered it to her. That look in his eyes silently pleading with her yet again. She just couldn't do this. She couldn't move. She did not want to. She did not want to move from this spot. She did not want to think of anyone or anything. She just allowed the grief to flare up and swallow her, all the while burning her to ashes.
Then that day came. That glorious day when she knew how to keep him with her. Yes. It would work. She wouldn't be without him. She would no longer be alone. She had heard Jacob talking to Renesmee the night before, asking her to go to La Push for the day. Something about a special Pack assignment with Sam and he wouldn't be here. She knew what was coming. And she welcomed it. She was grateful that her daughter would not be here to witness what Bella knew she had to do. She would be with him again. Ether way, it would work. If she could have found the energy, she would have smiled at the thought. Once again, Jacob had stayed with Nessie until she fell asleep up in her room then removed himself to the living room, watching Bella all the while until he couldn't fight it anymore and sleep overcame him. Had his eyes been able to stay open one minute longer, had he had the energy to keep battling, he would have seen the dark eyes at the window turn in the direction of his reflection and stay there, taking on an almost bright sheen in anticipation.
She could hear the sounds of the car approaching as clear as day. Four heartbeats. Two steady and calm although a little fast for the normal heart rate. One thumping loudly and moving at lightning speed. The last fluttering, stopping for a second accompanied by a gasp and then the fast beat picked up again. She could hear Ness' whisper. "Be safe." Then she could hear the car leaving the way it came, his heavy sigh, his quiet yet anxious footsteps bringing him into the house, leading to where she was still stationed, in the corner. This was it. This was the moment. She heard him move closer. She could smell his nervousness, even now more potent to her than five minutes ago. Sweat. Fear. Everything emanating off of him and coursing its way through the air to her keen nose. Yes. This was definitely it. She could feel his hot breath on the back of her head. "Bella." The huskiness of the voice of her once upon a lifetime savior still a sound she loved to hear, even after all of this time. Even if it meant that in a few minutes, she might never hear it again. All the more reason to savor it now. She didn't respond, just waited. She could hear him take a deep breath. Then the pleadings began. "Bella. This has to stop. You need to feed. Think of Nessie." Had she been breathing, the air would have been sucked out of her lungs at that last statement, just like a punch in the stomach. She was trying! Didn't he realize how much pain she was in? Her whole reason for existing had been ripped from her arms, her life in a single stroke. And now she had to live forever without him. He had imprinted. Shouldn't he know? How would he feel if something happened to Renesmee? She mentally grinded her teeth at his words. And how dare he call her Nessie? He knew she hated that nickname with a passion. Leave it to Jacob to try to get a rise out of her, even this late in the game. Her only response was more silence. She had to wait. She just had to hold out for a few more minutes. Then she could make her move. Sure enough, the pleas began again. "Bella, Ness is scared. You haven't moved or spoken since Edw-he's been gone." She knew that he had caught himself and tried to not say his name but it was too late. The pain hit her like a huge wave. Over and over again. And it wouldn't stop. Just a little bit longer. She repeated these words to herself continuously, almost as some sort of mantra to regain the control she so desperately needed for the next few minutes. She almost felt the urge to raise her arms and pull them around her chest as she used to do but that had been back when she was mortal, a typical human reaction she remembered vaguely and there was absolutely no reason to do so now. There was no holding this hole together, no plugging it up, no healing it or getting rid of it. This hole was here to stay. She could hear his heartbeat pick up and his breaths came in quick now and she knew. Soon. Very soon. She felt his hand on her shoulder. She felt him attempt to turn her and she allowed him to move her body to face him. She never once moved her eyes or her face. In true Jacob fashion, he lifted his other hand and extended his finger under her chin and lifted her face up to meet his. She refused to look at him. She kept her eyes still and steady, never moving. She needed to retain her resolve and if she took one look at those dark eyes burning into hers with the pain she had seen reflected back at her one night too many, she would come undone. And she couldn't have that.
"Bella." His voice choked off at the end, betraying his emotion. For sure now, she couldn't look at him. Just a little bit longer. "Bella, please." No. In the back of her mind, it registered that he had lifted his hand off her shoulder and grabbed hers, bringing it in between them. His fiery touch used to burn her icy cold one but she was already burning, already writhing in flames that got stronger with each movement he made. Suddenly, she felt a hot splash on the hand he held. Without meaning to, she was just acting on pure instinct, she looked up and saw everything that she had feared she would see. Jacob Black was in tears and he was in pain just as she had thought. And just as she had feared, it was at this precise moment that she lost control, Edward being the only thing resounding in her mind as she moved forward.
