Headaches
Chapter 1:
You laid on the white bed in your white room and stared at the white ceiling. Well, it wasn't completely white. You had managed to convince the staff to give you little glow in the dark stars, which you had stuck in random places on the ceiling, making it rainbow rather than white. They were comforting to look at, and they were also what marked the room as yours. Your room was mostly empty, as they didn't trust you very much. That's okay though, you didn't really trust yourself either.
You'd attempted suicide three times. The first time, being the one that landed you here the first time, you miraculously survived. They told you so, too. 'You shouldn't have woken up.', those were the doctors exact words. But you did, and the next few times that occurred within a few weeks of each other only a month after you'd been released weren't nearly as bad. You knew you wouldn't die, or be seriously injured for that matter, but all you could think about in those moments was the release from the headaches that plagued you. Alas, you were still here, and your head hurt worse than ever.
Moving into a cross-legged position on your bed, you looked around at your rather drab room. All you had was the bed, a trunk full of books, a table with two chairs, and a radio. All white, as it made you more comfortable. They didn't want so many things in here to keep you from stressing out. Which was probably a good thing, the more things out of place, the worse your OCD got. But it didn't help much. You still managed to get stuck in loops, which usually warranted a nurse coming to your rescue and a light sedative. They never told you why they gave you a sedative, but guessed and took it anyway.
Then you looked down at your bandaged arms, covered by a long sleeved white shirt. Yes, that was probably why. It hadn't taken them long to figure out that you took a razor to your skin after getting stuck, which sometimes resulted in another loop. Your gaze moved from your arms to your dried out hands, which were starting to crack. Washing your hands was where the loops started most of the time. You'd wash them again and again, but not manage to do it the right way. Never mind the fact that you didn't know what the right way was.
It was at that thought that an intense pain stabbed behind the area above your left eyebrow, causing you to drop your head in your hands and close your eyes, clenching your jaw until the pain lessened. It was still there, but not paralyzing. So you pulled the 'CALL' cord next to your bed and waited for your nurse, Ashley, to come to your aid.
Which she did. A few minutes later she entered with a glass of water and two tiny blue pills. That was all you were allowed to have, but they were strong. You didn't know exactly what they were, but they worked well enough.
"Y/n, sweetheart, are you alright?" Ashley asked. You could tell she was sincere, unlike the old doctors that visited you. Unlike them, Ashley had been taking care of you since you'd been moved here.
"Yeah, I'd say maybe a four out of ten." You answered, then looked at the medicine and water she held in her hand. "Is that the sedative?" You asked her, the pain in your head causing you to squint slightly.
"Yes, it looked like you needed it." She said warmly, then handed you the pills. You accepted them gratefully and popped one in your mouth then took a drink of the sedative. It tasted almost sweet. You did the same with the other then downed the rest of the glass. Ashley looked at you and raised an eyebrow.
"Y/n, you haven't eaten all day, and its past midnight." She said. Your eyes were already drooping, and you could feel the pain slowly ebbing away.
"I know." You said, then pulled back the covers and got under them. "Could you turn on the radio, please? The silence is bothering me." You said, lying on your side.
"Sure." You heard the nurse say "Goodnight." You heard the light click off and the door close, leaving you alone in the dark. A particular song floated out of the radio, but you couldn't remember the title. The last lyric you heard was 'So you can leave like the sane abandoned me.' And with that, you were asleep.
Your sleep was deep and dreamless, which was a rare occurrence. You didn't often sleep, and when you did, your sleep was usually light and reckless. There was a common occurrence of nightmares as well. Well, more like night terrors. The hospital staff probably knew about them, but you never complained about it. The answer to everything was medication it seemed. You hated the medications though. The only ones you took were the painkillers and the sedatives.
The light coming through the barred window wasn't what woke you up; it was the quiet voices talking outside your room. You couldn't make out what exactly what was being said, but you wondered if the conversation was about you. Yes, it probably was. But it didn't really bother you. Unless, they're considering sending me home… You thought. No, they can't do that. I don't have a home.
You'd lived within the walls of this hospital for six, almost seven years, and not once had you tried to leave. Aside from the fact that you weren't necessarily allowed to leave, you honestly didn't want to. Life here was so…predictable, easy to manage. Never once here did you feel as overwhelmed as you did when you were part of the normal world. This place was anything but normal, but that made it interesting.
Plus, it was nice being able to rely on people to stop your loops. You looked down at your hands again, dried and cracked. You had been doing better for a while, but for some reason, recently you'd been falling into the same old habits. The loops and the headaches were getting bad again, and even the urge to cut had been returning. But now, these things were becoming stronger than ever. And if you had noticed, that means everyone else would too. It didn't take Ashley very long to catch on, mostly because she or some other nurse had to inspect your room once a week. Anything they didn't like or they thought was dangerous was confiscated.
The voices got quieter, and then disappeared all together. Probably because they'd walked away from your room to go discuss some other psycho that lived here too. Which was fine with you, but you wondered why they were outside your door for so long. Or maybe they hadn't been there for more than a few minutes. Time seemed to flow differently in here than it did out there. Sure there were clocks, but it was easy to lose track of the time, or forget that there was an entire world on the other side of these walls.
An entire world…You thought. Yes, an entire rotting world filled with nothing but misery. Okay, so maybe you were a bit of a pessimist, but it was better than getting your hopes up and watching them crash down.
It was then that your door clicked open and Ashley came in, holding two colorfully wrapped boxes in her hand. A gift for me? How odd…
"It's your birthday!" Ashley said enthusiastically and set the boxes on your table. They didn't line up exactly, so you got up from your bed and fixed them. You started positioning them so the smaller one was centered upon the larger one. While you were doing that, Ashley turned off the radio, which had been on since the night before. "Also, I have some news." She said, watching you repositioning the boxes. "But I want you to open those first."
So you did. You opened the smaller box first, and found a box of colored pencils, and in the second package there was a sketchbook. "It took me a while to convince my boss to let you have these, so please don't… you know." She said, watching you open the sketchbook and pencils. You started to take out each pencil and testing it on the page, drawing then filling in a little square to see the precise shade of each color.
"Now, onto the news," Ashley said, still watching you draw the uniform squares. Honestly, this made you a little uncomfortable. It's as if she's trying to avoid making eye contact. This is unlike her; probably meaning whatever she wants to tell me might be bothersome. "You're supposed to be having a visitor soon." She said, her gaze moving from the sketchbook to you. Yes, definitely bothersome.
"When?" You asked, your tone almost sounding angry.
"Tomorrow or the next day, I'm not sure. I wanted to tell you so you were prepared…"
"Prepared? I haven't spoken to anyone aside from medical personnel in years. How do I prepare for something like this?" You said, cutting her off. You could hear your voice, as if you were outside of your body.
You could tell the panic attack was coming, and Ashley probably could too. When put your head between your knees and started screaming, the radio was turned on and the volume was turned up high, probably as high as it could go.
It was as if you were another person standing in the room. You saw and heard yourself, but weren't actually in control of yourself. Well, you never really were in control of yourself, but still. You don't really know how long you were sitting like that, you just remember your throat becoming raw and your voice giving out. You remember Ashley hitting the 'CALL' button and another nurse arriving with a pill and a glass of clear liquid. By the time you had processed that it was an anxiety pill and another sedative, you were already tucked into bed and falling asleep. Somehow, the radio had become awfully quiet.
Ashley ended up staying for another hour, or maybe it was just a few minutes. You opened your eyes slightly. There was a sliver of light as the door opened and closed, and you briefly saw the silhouette of a man. You were asleep as soon as the door closed, barely hearing the last lyric 'From the razor to the rosary…
(A/N
Hey! Thanks for reading. This is my first fanfic (well first published) soo I apologize if you think it's terrible. DISCLAIMER, I don't own the anime, characters, or lyrics. Also, SMILE! You people are gorgeous when you're happy. :3
-Iceblaze)
