Selfish Pain

By: ioanhoratio

Spoilers: Up to Pay Up…CBS owns everything.

O.K. so this is why posting at 2:30 in the morning isn't always such a great idea. I actually posted the wrong story…it gets angsty—this is my first attempt at it— and I rewrote it about three times and wound up posting an unfinished one. LOL! However Laurzz inspired me to make this a multi-chapter story and the story below (The one I actually intended to post) kinda acts as a second chapter…although there are a few repeat lines…sorry) I'm still not sure how I feel about it and still quite a bit nervous. Any input would be greatly appreciated! As an aside I was listening to John Williams' Across the Stars as I tried to write this. If I could write words the way this man writes music I wouldn't have to worry so much about posting a story ;)

Thanks to MadameLupin, Iheartcsinewyork, wedlfan, Little Miss Messer, hot4cullenmen, static-disturbed, tottalymad, southerngurl1227, soswimmer13, paradiseblue, afrozenheart412, fatkat, laurzz, gwen24, CSI-babe1, pretty7, Elja…I think I got everyone. You guys make all the difference in the world!

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Danny awoke suddenly; he listened intently for the now familiar crying coming from the baby monitored. There wasn't any. Danny blinked several times to clear the sleep from his mind and figure out what woke him up. He rolled over and realized he was alone in bed. He reached his arm out and felt the cool sheet. He had been alone for a while.

Danny heard the sound of water running. He glanced at the clock before he rolled out of bed. As he made his way quietly down the hallway he stole a quick glance into his daughter's room. She had broken out of her swaddle and had one arm raised up and resting next to her head. She was, however, still asleep and Danny wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize that. They normally left the door open but he went ahead and pulled it shut. He had a feeling things were going to get intense and he wanted to protect Lucy from that for as long as possible. He continued the search for his wife.

He found her in the kitchen. The lights were off but the room was lit enough from outside that he could see her. She was kneeling on the floor with a bowl of water and a rag.

"Lindsay," he whispered. He was afraid of startling her. She didn't seem to hear him. She just began scrubbing the floor.

"Lindsay baby," he tried again. She paused for a moment indicating she had heard him but she quickly began cleaning again.

"Lindsay it's 3 in the morning. Come on, what are you doin'?"

"I uh…I threw up," Lindsay said quietly.

"Whoa, Whoa, What?" Danny asked as he knelt down next to her, "What do you mean you threw up? Are you a'right? What's going on?"

He reached out and forced her to stop. She still refused to look at him.

"Hey, come on. Talk to me," he urged her as he turned her body towards him. Lindsay began to shrug his hands off her but he just tightened his grip. His eyes had adjusted to the limited light and he could see her face in the moonlight. He immediately recognized what he saw. He had seen it before.

"Lindsay honey, don't fight me. If you don't want to talk then just listen," he instructed. He watched as Lindsay battled herself until she finally relaxed. Danny let his hands drop down her arms and he took her small hands into his. They knelt across from each other on the kitchen floor. "I don't know exactly what is going on in that head of yours but I have a pretty good guess. I have seen that look on your face. It's the same look you had for months before you left for Montana to testify. You were trying so desperately to hide your feelings and emotions that you couldn't see that you were drownin' in 'em. I could see though. I could see it then and I can see it now. The only difference is you wouldn't let me help you then but you are going to let me help you now. I don't care if we have to sit here all night." Still Lindsay sat quiet. Danny leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers. "Please Lindsay," he pleaded softly.

He heard her take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She freed her hands from his and brought her body flush against his. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he wrapped his around her torso. He shifted them both so he was sitting down, leaning against the cabinets and she was in his lap.

"I'm not even sure where to start," she ventured. Her voice was scratchy and tired.

"Why don't you tell me what you were doing out here," Danny prompted.

"I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking," was all she said.

When Lindsay didn't continue Danny asked her, "What were you thinking about?"

"I want to tell you but I don't know if it will make any sense. I'm not sure it makes sense to me," she explained.

"Then it won't make sense. Who cares? The important part is that you talk. You are sitting in my lap in our kitchen floor. There is no place safer for you," Danny assured her.

Lindsay really thought about what he said. He was right. She never felt safer then when she was in his arms. She was embarrassed and scared but she wasn't going to hide from him anymore. She began to speak, "I guess it started when I walked into the diner today. I was talking to Mac when I saw the blood. It was the same as before. It was the same ugly linoleum, the same smell of cooked grease, and the same pool of blood. I wanted to run. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to know that another friend's life had bled out on the cold floor of a diner."

"But you stayed. You didn't run Lindsay," Danny pointed out.

"It was Jess. I couldn't turn my back on her. I couldn't be so selfish. I am trying so hard not to be selfish Danny. It is a terrible thing what happened to Jess and to Don. I don't know what I would do if something like that happened to you. I have been trying to not think about it all day. I have been trying to not think about that night so many years ago. I don't want to think about that man. I can't fight it though. I keep trying to push it down. This isn't about me. I don't want this to be about me but the more I fight how I am feeling the less able I am to deal with it. I don't want these images in my head any more. I don't want to keep reliving the murders of my friends. I was out here to try and get away from it. Every time I close my eyes I see the blood on the floor. I couldn't breath. I couldn't make it stop and…I threw up," Lindsay finished lamely.

"You are trying to shove alla that down? No wonder you threw up. Your body can't take alla that. You can't just turn this part of you off and on with a switch. These kinds of emotions that you are dealing with are more intense than most. And what do you mean 'this isn't about you?' Danny wanted to know.

"I mean, Jess dieing. She was my friend and colleague and I respected her but I don't want anyone to think I am trying to pull the attention to me. This is about her family and Don. I don't want…I just don't…I'm not trying to bring the attention to me," Lindsay explained embarrassed.

"You think I would think you were doing this to get attention?" Danny asked in disbelief.

"Danny I've been there. I have watched as people who knew nothing about my friends sob in grief and I have heard people whisper how I 'used' what happened to me to get special treatment. I have spent years hiding what happened to me because people react so differently I never know what to expect"

"Right Linds because hiding in our kitchen alone is the ideal setting for someone desperate for attention," Danny said—the sarcasm evident in his voice, "Besides, I would never think of you as anything other than brave. You have to stop feeling so guilty."

"Why?" Lindsay demanded angrily, "Jess is dead. Don is heartbroken. A father is missing his daughter and mother is grieving. I have an amazing husband and a beautiful daughter. What right do I have to be sitting here crying?"

"Because…" Danny hesitated. He wanted to say this right. He wanted to help her understand.

"Because? That's the best you got? Thanks Danny," Lindsay said rolling her eyes.

"Hey," Danny snapped, "I know you are in like nine kinds of pain right now and you don't even understand what is going on so if it makes you feel better to be a shit to me then go ahead. But I am tryin' to help. I don't know a whole lot about what I doing here but I am tryin'. I am here."

Silence filled the room. Lindsay dropped her head and fiddled with his wedding ring for a moment before saying, "I'm sorry…I didn't mean…please go ahead."

Danny sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Look, first off, no one knows how to feel right now 'k? There isn't a right way to feel. Secondly, as much as you don't want to admit it, what happened to you is a part of who you are. It isn't something you can just say will never affect you again. You yourself told me it is the reason you became a CSI which led you to New York. Not to mention that you have been through a lot this past year. Being pregnant, getting' married, giving birth—there have been a lot of changes a lot of hormones. It would be hard enough to deal with a day like today under normal circumstances but then add alla that to the mix and a lesser person would be drunk by now."

Lindsay let out a dry chuckle, "Don't make me a hero. If it weren't for the fact that I am breastfeeding I would be downing as much alcohol as my body could handle."

Silence again reigned. Lindsay rested her head on Danny's shoulder and snuggled into his chest. She wanted to climb into him and hide.

"It is just so sad," she whispered.

"I know," Danny whispered back.

"I don't…I don't want to be broken anymore," she stuttered. She could feel the emotions rising and her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh Linds," Danny pulled her closer to him.

"I keep thinking I have this under control and then it suddenly overwhelms me. How am I supposed to live my life like that? Why can't I deal with this any better? I was going along fine Danny. I was feeling really happy; happier than I have been in years. Do you think that is why it is hitting me so hard? Because I haven't had to deal with these feelings in a while they are stronger than normal?" Lindsay implored.

"Maybe," Danny offered, "but whatever it is it doesn't mean you are broken. We just have to figure out how to get you to remember what happened without having to relive it. You aren't giving yourself enough credit Lindsay."

"I just want to stop feeling this way. I want to deal with lack of sleep, grocery lists, laundry, soccer and ballet schedules, homework and normal things. Not whether or not I can get through the next day. Right now I just want crawl into bed with you and never get up."

Danny heard his wife's plea for help, "Look, pain is selfish. It fights to stay with us. I want to help you and I will do everything I can. If this is beyond me do you want to talk about seeing someone?"

"You mean like a therapist or something?"

"Maybe. You mentioned that your parents took you to see one right after it happened. Did it help?"

Lindsay thought for a moment, "I don't think it did but I also didn't want it to. I wanted to feel the pain. I thought it's what I deserved for living while everyone else died but I think I am ready to let that go now. I don't have to live that way. I deserve to be happy..." Lindsay paused then added, "Maybe we could look at me getting help."

Danny kissed her on the head, "O.K. Maybe we could."

"Is that O.K.? Are you O.K. with that?" Lindsay hedged, "What if a doctor decides I am just crazy? Would you be alright with have a crazy wife?"

Danny chuckled, "I always figured you were crazy. After all you agreed to marry me. No sane woman would do that."

Lindsay smiled into his neck and pinched him in the side. "Seriously though?"

"Seriously? I want you to be happy. I love you so much Lindsay. It hurts me to see you in so much pain. We will figure this out. I ain't goin' anywhere," he assured her.

Any further conversation was stopped by the faint crying that arose. Lindsay gave Danny a soft kiss before she slowly stood. She looked down at Danny and smiled. He reached up and she pulled him to his feet.

"You go get her and I'll finish cleanin' up in here," he instructed.

Lindsay made to argue but Danny cut her off, "Go be with your daughter. She has this amazing ability to make everything seem alright."

Lindsay nodded and he swatted her on the booty as she walked out.

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"She go back to sleep a'right?" Danny asked as his wife climbed into bed.

"Yeah, I fed her and she nodded right off." Lindsay snuggled under the covers and rolled over into Danny. He wrapped his arms around her and yawned.

"Thank you," she said.

"Lindsay, you and I made a promise to always be there for each other. I am honored that I get to fulfill that promise to you. But I want you to add another promise."

"What's that?" she asked into his chest.

"No more sitting alone in the middle of the night. If you need space or quiet I understand just let me know. I will give you space but no more going at it alone 'k? Promise?

Lindsay heard the sincerity in his voice. She heard the love. She heard hope.

"I promise," she said simply.

"Good," Danny accepted, "Now let's get some sleep. We still have a long few days ahead of us and some more talkin' to do but right now just close your eyes and let me hold you."

"Goodnight Danny. I love you."

"'Nite Linds. I love you too, every crazy inch of you."

And they both smiled in the darkness.

Thanks for reading. I apologize for the grammatical errors and the before mentioned screw up.