She steps off the train in Grand Central Station, her heart hammering in her chest.
When she'd begun writing to Jane after the funeral she had never, in her wildest dreams, imagined that Jane would write back.
After her disappearance, Maura trolled the internet for signs of her, looking everywhere, through every news article and every obituary. Medical Examiners from places as far west as Montana had Jane's picture to match against their Jane Doe arrivals.
On three separate occasions, Maura made terrifying, stomach churning journeys to unfamiliar morgues, praying that the woman under the sheet or in the cold storage was not her beautiful girlfriend.
"She doesn't want to be found," Frost told her on several occasions. "She doesn't want us to know where she is."
Maura didn't stop.
And when she'd found Jane's name, buried on a website advertising specialized consultation based in Manhattan, it had taken all of her strength not to get on a train immediately.
She'd written to Jane every week, sending her letters to the address listed on the website, and although Jane had never written back, she'd received an envelope in the mail after her third letter, in which she promised not to visit and not to pry.
It contained an index card, with an address in the middle, written in Jane's telltale spindly handwriting.
Maura wrote letters to that address from that moment forward.
Now, standing under the vaulted, starry ceiling of Grand Central's main building, Maura can hardly believe that she is going to see Jane again for the second time in six months. After five years of not seeing Jane at all, it feels like overindulgence.
It feels as though she should be sneaking around, wearing a disguise and using a false name.
She looks around, at the people moving past her in all different directions, trying to spot someone familiar. The beat of New York is very different from the beat of Boston, and she is just beginning to think that maybe this entire trip was a mistake when she hears a voice cut through all the others
"Mama! There she is! That's the doctor from Boston!"
Maura turns towards the sound of the voice to see Jane, holding Isla, both grinning at her.
It is real.
This is real, and Jane is here, welcoming her to the city for the weekend.
An entire weekend with Jane.
"You made it," Jane says, when they reach her. She smiles, but her eyes are nervous. She can't look at Maura directly. "Was your trip okay?"
"Yes," Maura says, unable to stop smiling. "It was fine."
Jane smiles at the floor. "How are you?"
Maura turns a sob into a chuckle. "I am doing much better now that you're here," she says, and when Jane glances up at her sharply, she takes a small step backwards, as though to prove she does not have any ulterior motive. "How are you two doing?"
"I got a star at school!" Isla says excitedly. She points a tiny finger to a spot on her chest where a little gold sticker has been pressed to her sweater.
"Congratulations!" Maura says. "What did you do to earn that?"
"I can count ten, and do my aph-labet, and also I can do my name!" Isla beams at her, waiting for the praise that Maura would not dream of withholding.
"That's amazing," she says, meaning it. "I can't believe you can do all of those things!" l
"My mommy taught me," Isla says, turning to press her forehead into the bend of Jane's neck.
Jane smiles in an absent, affectionate way, and Maura wants to fall to her knees and beg to be allowed to stay forever.
"I promised we could get ice cream to celebrate three gold stars in a row," Jane glances to Maura's side, and the small rolling case there. "Is that all you brought?"
Maura looks down at her bag. "Yes," she says, though it comes out as a question.
Jane nods, smirking. "You travel more lightly than I remember," she says.
It is a joke.
Maura stares at her, trying to react appropriately, when all she wants to do is cry and throw her arms around the woman in front of her.
She manages a small laugh, hoping it doesn't sound as close to crying as she thinks it might.
"I do," she agrees. "Though you'll find there are still several shoe choices tucked inside."
"My shoes light up!" Isla says, lifting her head to look at Maura again. "Want to see?"
She doesn't wait for an answer, but wiggles down from her mother's arms so she can stamp her feet on the floor of the terminal.
Little red lights race around the heel of her shoe, and Isla claps her hands in excitement and looks up at the doctor to make sure she is properly impressed.
"My goodness," Maura says with a glance at Jane. "Are they – ah – magic sneakers?"
Isla jumps up and down to make her shoes do it again. "No!" she cries. "Silly doctor. It is lectrisstee!"
Jane reaches out a hand for Isla to take, and then her other for Maura's bag, ignoring her protest.
"Mommy. I want to hold the doctor's hand!" Isla says, tugging free. "Please?"
Her question is not directed at Jane, but at Maura, and she holds up her hand with her eyebrows raised hopefully.
"Good girl for asking," Jane says, but she does not instruct further.
Maura takes her hand tentatively. "You can call me Maura, darling," she says. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Jane look up at the pet name, though she doesn't seem angry.
"Oh," Isla looks unsure. "are you still doctor though?"
"Yes," Maura says reassuringly. "But we're friends. Or…I'd like to be. Can-can I call you Isla?"
"Isla and Mo-rah!" Isla says, swinging their hands happily. "We take the red number three train, Mo-rah! This way!"
Maura lets herself be led along, smiling, heart so full that it might burst.
Especially when she looks back to make sure Jane is okay with what is happening, and catches her murmuring to herself.
"Isla and Maura. Isla. Maura."
Just twice. Like a prayer.
….
Jane and Isla live in a two bedroom apartment in Midtown. While they ride the subway down from Grand Central, Isla lists for Maura the different things that she is able to do now that she is four. The list includes: Wear shoes with laces, watch a movie in her bunk bed without Mama, call the doorman to see if the pizza has arrived, swipe the metrocard, pet the dogs in the dog park, as long as the owner has said that it is okay.
Maura listens to all of this, wishing she could remember every single thing. She wants to slow time down to a crawl, so that her weekend will really become weeks, months in which she can discover this bright, wonderful new personality.
And rediscover the person she'd resigned herself to losing.
When they stand to get off at the 23rd street stop, Isla again asks to hold her hand, and Maura does not hesitate this time.
"I can list off my address, Morah," Isla says as they ascend back into the cool evening air.
"Can you?" Maura says with a smile. "You really are quite advanced for your age."
"I am named after the smartest woman in the world," Isla says, offhandedly. "She's gotta be proud of her namecake!"
Jane chuckles from the other side of Isla, and Maura looks at her in surprise, too caught off guard to say anything.
"It's namesake, hon," Jane says easily. She doesn't see Maura's face, or she doesn't acknowledge it. Maura just can't tell with Jane anymore.
The realization makes her sad.
The apartment building has a doorman, whose name is Ted, and he is not just for show. Maura hands over her driver's license, and waits while Jane signs her in and writes down the duration of her stay. Isla plays I spy with Ted while she waits for Jane to be done, and it is with a gentle, playful air that he looks around for all the things in the room that could be silver.
"C'mon, bug, let's go," Jane says, shooting a grateful grin at Ted.
"It's Morah's rolling bag," Isla laughs, bouncing toward the elevator. "Silly!"
Ted smacks his hand against his forehead dramatically.
Isla giggles. "Bye, Teddy!" she calls as the elevator dings shut.
"She's the only one allowed to call him that," Jane murmurs to Maura. "Press the button, Isla-bean," she says louder.
They live on the ninth floor.
"Your favorite number," Maura says automatically.
Jane raises an eyebrow at her. "You remember that about me?"
The question is underscored with what Maura decides is happiness, and so she feels relatively comfortable with her answer.
"I remember everything about you, Jane."
...
If Jane's bedroom is Spartan and uniform, and the living room is bland and impersonal, then Isla's room is the spot where all the love and attention to detail rests. They push the door open to her room and Maura's eyes widen in surprise. Isla's bedroom is the apartment's master, with an attached bathroom and walk in closet. Isla runs through the door and Maura is about to follow when a flick from Jane's hand holds her back.
She waits on the threshold, confused until the little girl turns to them.
"Come in mama! Come in Morah!" She says gesturing with both hands. "Morah, come see my bunk bed!"
Oh. Maura smiles as she moves into the room, though the feeling is bittersweet. Isla's top bunk has a tent over the top of it, patterned to look like a pirate ship. She scampers up the ladder and disappears inside.
"You ho ho and a bottle of Tums," she sings.
Jane chuckles, flicking her hand again, like she wants Maura's attention.
"Listen to this," she says quietly, and then she calls, "Hey, Tiny, are you sure it's supposed to be bottle of Tums?"
Isla pops her head out of a porthole. "Yes," She says sounding like she's tired of explaining. "Pirates need Tums from eating fish!"
Jane grins at Maura. "How do you know that pirates only eat fish?"
Isla sighs heavily. "Mama," she says. "Pirates live on the ocean." She says the last part as though this is obvious.
Jane raises her eyebrows at Maura who presses her lips together to keep from laughing. She looks around the little girl's room. It is everything a four year old could want, and some things she probably couldn't imagine, from the toy horses and stable in one corner, to the giant blackboard that covers one whole wall. Maura notices that Jane has written: Isla Bean, Mommy loves you more than anything.
Maura feels tears prick the back of her eyes. The four year old cannot read this fully yet, but that is not the point.
It is not there just for Isla.
…
The afternoon of her arrival starts awkwardly, but settles quickly.
Jane seems a little thrown off by Maura's presence in her apartment, but she works hard to overcome it, and Maura tries to make it easy for her.
"I bought wine," Jane says, turning with a bottle of Maura's favorite. "I just got...I didn't know if you still-"
"I do," Maura says with a smile. "Do you mind?"
"No," Jane answers. She looks happy to be able to do something.
Maura settles herself on the couch with her wine, and Isla flits back and forth between there and her room, usually with something new to show off.
Jane settles at the other end of the couch after about fifteen minutes of indecision. She smiles absently as Isla runs back and forth.
"Usually we just chill on Friday afternoons," she says. And then, as though she should offer more. "I started going into the office four days a week. It's...more tiring than I thought it would be." She frowns at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap. "That sounds lame, I know…"
Maura nods quickly. "Not at all. It's completely understandable," she says. "Do not alter your routine because of me, Jane. Please. I am perfectly happy."
Jane looks slightly reassured. She pulls her legs up into a pretzel.
"Do you want to hear about Boston?" Maura asks it casually, though it is probably the heaviest, most loaded question she has asked since arriving.
Jane regards her from the other side of the couch. She knows that Maura means news of Frost and Frankie. Angela and BPD in general.
"No," Jane says after a long minute. "Not… not here. Not yet."
Maura nods. She doesn't ask what this means. "Okay," she says simply.
She is rewarded with the relaxation of her companion's shoulders, and the familiar sweep of a hand through dark curls.
Jane smiles. "I was thinking…we could go out tonight? Just...dinner or something. I'll get a sitter?"
Maura does not jump for joy, although it takes a great deal of effort to restrain herself. She takes another sip of her wine.
"That sounds lovely," she says.
Jane relaxes even more.
So that evening, Maura pulls the door open when the bell rings. She comes face to face with a young woman, backpack slung casually over her shoulder. She smiles politely at Maura, though her expression does not totally hide her confusion.
"Hi…" She says slowly. "I'm Lex?" It comes out as a question. "I'm here to, um, babysit?"
Maura opens her mouth, not sure what will come out, but Jane's voice rings out from her bedroom before she can speak. "Come in Lex. I'll be out in a sec."
Maura steps aside to let the girl in, and Lex stares at her for a long moment, before realizing what she's doing.
"Sorry," she says with a faint blush. "I just don't think I've ever seen another visitor in this apartment before." She holds out hand for Maura, who shakes it, swallowing her first ten questions.
"It's nice to meet you," she says. "You've been-ah- Isla's sitter for a while?"
Lex grins at her. "You could say that." She chuckles, as though Maura has made a joke. When the doctor continues to smile unsurely, Lex raises an eyebrow. "I've been sitting for the monster for her entire life almost," she says. "I honestly don't know if Jane has another sitter."
It is at that moment that Jane appears in her bedroom doorway. "Why would I need another sitter?" She asks, eyes on the shirt cuff she is buttoning.
"I was just telling um-" Lex glances back at Maura, "your friend, that I wasn't sure I'd ever seen anyone else in the apartment. She opened the door and it was like the twilight zone."
Jane smiles a thin smile. "This is Dr. Isles," she says. "Doctor, this is Lex."
Lex's eyebrows shoot upwards and her mouth drops open, but she doesn't verbalize the expression. She looks at Maura with wide eyes, and then away. It is clear that she is keeping herself from asking questions, not because she doesn't have any, but because she knows that Jane will not react well to her inquiries.
Silence falls. There is nothing but the sound of Isla, singing quietly to herself in her room. Jane glances at Lex, who is trying to fix her face, and then meets Maura's eyes. She doesn't seem bothered by Lex's new mood.
"You ready?"
Maura nods and Jane turns to the babysitter.
"We'll be back about 9-9:30, Lex, alright?"
Lex nods, her eyes still wide. "Sure."
"I left some money if you want to order food, there's nothing much in the fridge."
"Thanks," Lex says. She seems unable to pull her eyes away from Maura.
Jane doesn't comment. "Isla bean!" She calls, and Maura turns to see the little girl appear in the doorway of her bedroom, dressed in footie pajamas patterned with polka dots.
"Maura and I are going. Lex is here. You going to be okay?"
Isla nods. "Can we watch Big Hero 6 in the bunk bed?"
Jane laughs. "You'll have to ask Lex," she says, shrugging on her coat. She grabs Maura's off the hook by the door and holds it out for her. "Can I?"
Maura steps into the coat, swallowing hard. "Th-thank you," she stammers.
"Love you, baby," Jane calls over her shoulder. "You tell Lex to call me if you need to."
"Bye, Mommy," Isla calls. "Bye Morah!"
"Goodbye, darling." Maura says.
….
The night is crisp, but not uncomfortable, and Maura agrees to the walk when Jane suggests it.
"New York seems so much faster and… livelier than Boston." Maura says as they head down the street.
Jane smiles absently. "It is. It was very overwhelming when I first arrived. I barely left my first apartment the entire first year."
"What changed?" Maura asks.
"Isla changed," Jane says with a little laugh. "She needed things. She needed day care, and," Jane casts around for a bit. "Human interaction."
Maura nods. She wants to ask why the human interaction could not have been in the form of Jane's family, or in the form of Maura and Frost, or at least inside of Boston, but she chooses a different path.
"And you hired Lex, around that time?"
Jane pauses, possibly trying to read the tone in her voice. "Yeah," she answers slowly. "She used to work nights at the BuyQuik around the corner from my first apartment, and we became friends. She's a good kid. Going back to get her Masters next fall."
Maura mulls this over. "She's the only one you've ever let in your apartment?"
"Yeah. My - uh - therapist sometimes." Jane's answer is curt, but Maura does feel that she's being rejected.
"And me?" she presses.
This time Jane just nods.
Maura wants to reach out and hold Jane's hand, but she stops herself, remembering the way Isla had asked to hold hers in Grand Central. And Jane had shown her to wait for permission to enter Isla's room back at the apartment. so it stands to reason that she must ask Jane before touching her. Maura is about to open her mouth to ask, when another thought occurs to her.
What if Jane says no?
What if Maura asks, and Jane rejects her?
Even if, logically, Maura understands that this isn't because of her it will still hurt. And will her hurt damage the fragile connection they seem to be building?
She doesn't know.
"Maura?" Jane's voice is concerned. "Are you okay?"
Maura smiles, hoping her expression is reassuring. "Yes," she says quickly. "I was just..." she shrugs, opting for the truth. "I was just worrying."
Jane's mouth tugs up at the corners, but her next sentence is serious.
"You seem to do that a lot around me," she says. "I wish you wouldn't."
"It doesn't have," Maura begins, and then she breaks off, realizing that what she is about to say is a lie.
Jane waits patiently.
"This is all very surreal to me," Maura says at last. "I admit that I am frightened of doing or saying the wrong thing."
Jane nods. "That's understandable," she says after a moment. "I'm... I'm a different person than I was before."
"You're still someone I like very much," Maura says. She wants to say love. She wonders if she could.
"Yeah?" Jane seems to be genuinely asking, and Maura nods enthusiastically, surprised.
"Yes. I... I'm afraid I am probably very similar to the Maura that you knew, but-"
"I loved that Maura," Jane says quietly, and Maura stops walking, trying to hold on to the bloom of elation that is filling her throat.
"Can I hold your hand, Jane?" Maura asks. Jane's smile is faster this time. Maura holds out her hand and the other woman barely hesitates before taking it.
"Thank you for asking," Jane says softly.
They start to walk again.
"You don't have to be anything for me," Maura says after a little pause. "Who you are now is very special to me, and I'm honored you're letting me get to know you." she pauses, and then decides to just say it all.
"I missed you. After meeting Isla, I missed her as well. I want…"
But Jane's hand squeezes hers, hard, for just a moment, and when Maura looks at her face, she sees that it is too much. It is too much to hear, and too quickly.
Jane looks like she might be sick.
"Okay," Maura says softly. "Okay. I'm sorry." She squeezes back, tightening her fingers just a little around Jane's hand.
And then she lets go.
Jane breathes out a long, relieved breath. "Sorry," she says after a moment. "I-"
"No," Maura says. "I will stop worrying, and you will stop apologizing."
Jane grins. "Deal."
