I sigh heavily as Janet pulls up beside the curb of my nature strip, it's early, the afternoon sun is still quite high in the sky but it feels more like 3am, my tired lids weighing down as though I'd just pulled an all nighter. Janet smiles, glancing at her watch for a fraction of a moment before meeting my eyes. I consider inviting her in, yawning deeply I decide against it, thanking her for the lift, I climb out.
Janet looks as though she is going to insist upon something, battling internally; she exhales slowly and then smiles.
"Night Sam" she says softly nodding her goodbye and turns her attention to the road. I wave, opening my gate as she pulls out; I look up at my front door once she is out of view, closing the gate behind me.
As I climb the few stone steps to my porch, gingerly rubbing my temple, my eyes on my feet, taking care to watch my step; I notice a brown smear across the top step. I lean down touching the stain with my fingertips. For a moment I see blood on my fingers, the image flashes for a moment; I pull my hand back startled by the thought. I feel my pulse quickening and press on, pulling my keys from my pocket feverishly.
I slide the key into the lock and open the door, as I step inside, my mind is overridden with flashing imagery. I see myself, naked, running through the open doorway, stumbling as I cross the threshold, blood smeared fingers marring the skirting board. I shake my head of the vision and stare down at the skirting board, brown blood stain now clear to see in the light of day. Trembling, I touch my fingers to my lips, my breath is hot, my fingers cold. I slowly walk forward studying the room for clues missed; trying to remember.
My eyes fall to the floor where the shattered mug had laid, an image flashes before me of the coffee filled mug from the night before, clasped in my hands, half empty. I remember a shooting pain running up my back, I remember hurtling the mug to the floor as the pain travelled along my arm violently, convulsing as though electricity were coursing through my veins.
I gasp as I come back from the memory, the pain fading from my mind; I stumble forward, into the kitchen, needing to steady myself as the distant sensation rolls out of me.
I feel naked, standing alone in my kitchen. My eyes burn and my throat feels raw. A hot empty feeling emanates through my chest as I grasp the island, hold myself upright, holding myself together as the emotion pours out of me. I feel a scream climbing up my oesophagus and I slide down the cupboards, balling on the floor, trying desperately not to shed a tear.
My breath comes in gasps, my head throbs with every beat of my racing heart.
I don't understand why this hurts so much, why now. The realisation, that what I couldn't remember happening, had really happened. The details are still lost in my muddled faded memory but the evidence burns clear in every thought. Something unmentionable happened to me, something unthinkable. But that was the problem wasn't it.
I find myself laughing hysterically as the threatening tears make their warm salty way down my cheeks. I wipe my cheeks with the sleeve of my shirt, I look down at the wet cotton sleeve, I see the dressing gown in its place, I see my hand, fingers splayed after hurtling the mug, I see my veins in my wrist pulsing dark blue veins, creamy skin paling, growing translucent, I can see my veins clearly amongst red muscle and then as though poisoned, darkening, turning blue. I try to shake myself from the vision, turning away from my arm, my headache pulses angrily and I see myself pulling my dressing gown off, watching the cloud of blue travel over my skin, I can feel panic bubbling up inside me, I see myself backing up against a wall as the colour envelopes me, standing naked, my back pressed firmly against the corridor wall. I feel a grave hunger burning inside me, my eyes look to the front door, I close my eyes and find myself running towards it.
Distressed, I pull back from the memory invading my thoughts, gasping as the image leaves my mind, I try to hang on to it, try to remember more but as though the thought were only a fragment of footage, there is no more. I close my eyes, blinking hastily, shaking my head. My head throbs, pain pulsing at the sight of my wound. Truly shaken to the core, I reach up grasping the island counter top. I pull myself to my feet; a wave of nausea overwhelms me. I rush up the stairwell, round into the bedroom and collapse at the foot of my ensuite toilet, spilling my meagre stomach contents into the porcelain bowl violently.
It's early when I step into Daniels office, hoping to find Sam with him, discussing some detail of the strange murder that they've been ordered to look into. Instead, I find him alone; head down on the desk, fast asleep.
I slowly approach my friends' side, and gently pat his shoulder, rousing him. He lifts his head groggily wiping moisture from his lips. He blinks up at me and fumbles around the table for his glasses. Finding them, he slips them on and smiles up at me.
"Oh, good morning Doctor" he clears his throat, looking around the room and then to his watch, hissing at what I can only assume must have been time he hadn't wanted to lose. "Has Sam come in yet?" he asks, absentmindedly.
"I'm not sure; I was looking for her myself." I offer, wondering if I should be concerned that she hasn't called in yet.
"Okay" he nods, yawning for a long moment before looking to me expectantly.
"This was faxed through to us" I make my reasoning for waking him known, flopping the preliminary test results in front of him. "The autopsy's finished. The boys' toxicology test hasn't come back yet but some of the blood work has; blood group profile only." I explain, turning the paperwork over to a highlighted page "They recovered enough blood cells from his nails to run a comparison; the blood under his nails isn't his."
"Can they get a DNA profile?" Daniel seems to perk up, taking the report out of my hands excitedly.
"I would assume so, but you're not going to like what the ME concluded from his initial assessment of the skin" I warn him, tapping gently on the page in question. He picks up the hand written notation and a smile spreads across his face.
"It's human" he grins making me frown. I thought he wanted to work this case.
"But..." I begin and he shakes his head.
"I was right, Janet" he explains "the creature's true form is human"
Distantly, I hear a phone ringing. At first I ignore it, my sleep addled brain thinking it a dream. Then as it rings on, the familiar tone coaxing me from my dreams, I roll out of the comfort of my rest to pick the cell phone up off of the dresser, intent on dismissing the alarm. I pause however when through my blurred vision, I see a green receiver symbol on the screen instead of a red alarm clock.
"Carter" I croak into the line rubbing my eyes, flopping my head back against the pillow.
"Carter, it's me" Colonel O'Neill replies; I pull up to a sitting position at this.
"Sir?" I question, glancing at my watch on the dresser.
"Did I wake you?" His voice sounds hesitant. I pick up the watch and grimace at the late hour.
"Uh..." I hesitate, throwing the sheets aside and climbing out of bed in search of clothes, thoughts of lateness racing through my mind.
"You didn't call in" he questions me; I swear I can hear an echo in the line.
"Yes sir, sorry sir." I manage, my hands fumbling through my draw for a decent bra "I must have slept through my alarm" I tell him as I pull my nightgown over my head, carefully balancing the cell phone on my shoulder. I pick up a sport bra and pull it on, losing balance, the phone drops to the floor and I curse loudly, too loudly.
"Carter?" he calls through the phone, but I swear I heard that elsewhere as well.
"Sir?" I question as I pick up the phone, pressing it to my ear as I walk towards my bedroom door, opening it to look down the stairs. "Are you here?" I ask, crouching down to see the front door at the end of the corridor, but the corridor is too long.
"I am" he muses chuckling softly at my question "Can I come in?"
I freeze, looking down at my state of undress.
"Yes sir, just..." I pause, checking behind the door for my dressing gown "give me a second to get dressed" I finish, realising I had put the gown in a bucket to soak. I hang up and quickly grab a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I pull the jeans on as I make my way down the stairs and slip the shirt on as I hurry down the corridor.
"Sorry sir" I open the door wide, gesturing for him to come in. He looks up to my eyes with a smirk and then down at the white t-shirt and jeans until finally, my bare feet.
"Afternoon Carter" his grin grows wider "Sleep well?" he asks, pushing past me and into the kitchen before stepping down into the living area.
"Yes sir" I close the door and tuck my shirt in, while his back is turned, I hold back a hiss at the still tender flesh. "Can I get you anything?" I offer, turning into the kitchen and taking a bottle of water out of the fridge for the kettle "Coffee?"
"Sure" he nods looking around the room, I rarely use. He seems to decide against sitting down and walks into the kitchen, pressing his splayed hands against the island countertop and leaning into them. I make myself busy with the mugs and kettle. My stomach growls loudly, as the smell of fresh coffee invades my nostrils. He hears the angry rumble and a smirk again plays on his lips.
"Hungry?" he jokes and I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes. I smile embarrassed and grab the bread to make myself some toast. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure when I last ate... The sandwich; I remember making the sandwich. Did I eat it? Haven't I had anything since then?
"Did I miss anything?" I ask him, my eyes on the kettle, watching as it boils.
"Uh yeah, Daniel seems to think the skin you found is human, Frasier agrees." He clears his throat; I can feel his eyes burning into me, following my every movement. "We're checking hospitals and medical centres in the area to see if anyone matching the killers' description checked in."
"Any luck?" I ask, closing my eyes to the lunacy of my situation. I should tell him what I know, it's my duty and if anything I could be putting innocent people in harms way, keeping this from them.
"None yet" he sighs, frustrated by the situation
"You don't think we'll find them this way?" I ask, finally turning around to look at him.
"I think it's a long shot" he nods. I can't bring myself to do it, the words sit eagerly in my throat, but I can't build up enough courage to admit what I fear I may have done. What I have done.
There's no denying it, what I remembered last night is too damning for me to kid myself. That creature was me; I might not remember doing it, but the evidence...
"Are you okay Carter?" he pulls me back from my thoughts; I can smell fresh toast as it pops but it makes my stomach turn queasily. I'm starving, but I know if I swallow anything now, it'll come straight back up. I grab my angry stomach as it rumbles loudly. "Carter?" he asks concern evident in his tone.
"I'm fine," I lie swallowing back a wave of nausea "just a little queasy"
His brow furrows with disappointment, he's watching me, studying me carefully. I can see almost see the cogs turning in his mind as he ponders something. I fear he's going to put the pieces together. It's only a matter of time before he knows, before they all know.
I murdered that boy.
I don't know how, I don't know why, that's something I need to find out. Something has happened to me, something has changed. The last mission, it had to have been off world, there's no other explanation.
"Can you take me to the base?" I ask, hoping the request didn't sound too eager. He's looking at me strangely, thinking the question over; he shrugs his shoulders, shaking himself from whatever the thought was and nods, pulling his car keys from his pocket without question.
Steering carefully through the busy corridors of the SGC is not the easiest task at the best of times, let alone while carrying a tray loaded up with my lunch, so I am surprised when I step into my office with my everything in place on the tray, I am further surprised when I see Sam sitting in the chair across from mine, in front of my desk, waiting patiently for me to return.
When she hadn't called in today, I'd reported it to Colonel O'Neill, I wasn't sure what to expect; but I hadn't expected her to be in my office so soon. I had half expected him to call in for assistance, it seems normal to me now to be called to the most extreme of circumstances, especially when it relates to SG1. Seeing her now, I can tell she is not entirely herself; she looks tired despite the time away from base. She is rubbing her knuckles distractedly; something is weighing heavily on her mind.
"Sam?" I ask as I place my tray on my desk and ease into the chair behind it. I close the file I had left open on my desk and look up, waiting for her to respond. She smiles, exhaling heavily and then bites her lip hesitantly. "Something the matter?" I ask choosing not to question her on not calling in.
"I need you to clear me to work" she finally speaks, giving me a quick half hearted smile and then looking down at her hands. I pause thinking it over for a moment, pulling my penlight from my pocket and walk over to her side, leaning against my desk with the penlight in hand.
"How do you feel?" I ask brushing her hair out of the way to look at the wound on her head. It's clean, devoid of blood but it doesn't look like much has happened in the way of healing. I contemplate this as I wait for her to respond.
"Better" she finally speaks, her response reeks of half truth, I do my best to give her an incredulous warning look. She chuckles softly and rolls her eyes at me "a little queasy, and tired." She admits.
"Did you sleep?" I ask leaning forward to check her pupils, she nods widening her eyes for me, I shine the light and move it away, checking both eyes. The response is normal. I press my fingers to her pulse, its racing faster than I would have expected, I pull back frowning and she smiles knowingly.
"I'm a little anxious" she admits and I purse my lips feeling uncertain about the whole thing. Something in my gut doesn't sit right, but I have no medical reason to justify my concern. I wheel the blood pressure machine over and watch as she visibly tenses.
"Janet..." she starts looking as though she's going to jump out of the chair.
"I just want to be sure" I assure her, setting up for the reading. I check her blood pressure and frown at the low numbers, surprised by the reading.
"See I'm fine" she smiles as though she's won something.
"Have you had anything to eat?" I ask and her face falls, I smile knowingly and pull at the Velcro, pushing the machine aside. "As I thought" I start, rounding my desk and sitting down across from her. "I don't see why you can't get back to work, but you need to eat." she shifts uncomfortably in her chair but nods "get some lunch, go easy on yourself and come see me in a couple hours, then we'll talk about clearing you for active duty" she sighs as she stands from her chair, she turns towards the door, hesitating before she goes.
"Thanks Janet" she smiles back at me and then walks out.
I ease painfully onto the stool across from Carter, watching her as she looks into a microscope, turning away from the slide only to take notes. I wait impatiently for her to look away from her work and notice me. She seems driven, overworked. I lean forward, peering at the report on her table. I recognise the report from the debriefing, mineral traces she found on the planet.
"I thought the levels weren't significant" I speak, alerting her to my presence. She looks up from the microscope, I catch her eyes, she smiles; she looks back into the microscope.
"I'm just being thorough" she tells me, turning back to her notepad to make a notation, places her pen down and looks up at me, there is nothing to her eyes, she looks tired and run down, dark circles and pale skin do not become her. I worry about her, we all do.
"You're not overdoing it?" I ask my face blank, stoic.
Her eyes connect with mine, for a long moment we say nothing, silently she's pleading with me. She exhales slowly, leaning back from the desk, looking away from my eyes, towards the floor.
"I'm fine" she whispers, eyes set on a spot on the ground, sadness embodies her. I ache, seeing her like this. I want to say something, give her some kind of pep talk... but I'm not so great at pep.
"Carter, you know if you need to talk..." I offer, knowing she won't bite. She almost laughs looking back up at me with a sad sort of reassuring smile.
"Thanks" she shakes her head "I'm okay"
She turns her attention back to the microscope dismissively and I take the hint.
Deflated from a long day riding backseat in a murder investigation with no new leads showing up despite our efforts questioning triage staff and health care practitioners alike, I slowly drop my things on my desk, disturbing Teal'c from the security footage he had been studying.
He looks up from the footage raising an eyebrow and slowly lifting the headphones.
"Did your search not produce results?" He asks placing the headphones on the desk.
"Uh," I pause drawing in a deep breath "no, not really" I exhale, truly frustrated. I look Teal'c over, he seems disturbed. He's stoic and receptive, listening intently but I know Teal'c well enough to know when something is bothering him. "What's up?" I ask gesturing with a nod towards the monitor. He pauses reflectively and stands bringing his hands behind his back.
"I was unsettled with the surveillance cameras' recording, something about the figure in the footage felt..." he draws in a deep breath "...familiar".
I swallow hard, wondering what he could mean, he gestures to the footage and I round the desk to see the screen. I look at the moment frozen on screen, the image is of the killer backed away from the victim, the creature is holding its head, and it is not blue but instead has pale, creamy, white skin with slick blonde hair.
"What am I looking at?" I ask, unsure what Teal'c is getting at, he leans forward, dragging the mouse down to the task bar and opens up another window, on screen the base security feed plays, the room on screen is Sam's Lab. I frown turning back to Teal'c questioningly.
"It occurred to me that the killers size, stature and physical characteristics were consistent with Major Carter" He states ominously, I look back at the security footage realising that it is not live, but is looping 15seconds of feed where Sam, looks up from a microscope, drops her pen and stands holding her head where she hit it the night before last.
"Her injury" I gasp, wondering how I could have missed this connection
"It is an unlikely coincidence." His words resinate deeply as I turn back to him
"How?" I ask as my thoughts race at the possibility
"I do not know" Teal'c states, answering the question I hadn't meant for him to answer
"Why didn't she say anything?" I ask rhetorically, watching the scene on the screen replay.
"I do not believe she would keep this information from us if she knew she was responsible" Teal'c assures me and I nod looking up at him.
"You don't think she remembers" I state and Teal'c nods in agreement.
"I cannot be certain, but I think it would be unreasonable to rule her out as a suspect" Teal'c states and then brings the original footage from the crime scene back up "There is a way, however, to be certain" he points out touching the screen at the site of her blood marred hip.
I nod, agreeing; "we should speak with Jack first."
AN: more to come...
Sorry it's late, expect this to be the norm with my posts. Expect to be surprised if the next chapter comes in an at all timely fashion.
