Why Star Wars and Harry Potter Crossovers Would End Horribly
"Welcome, younglings, to Defence against the Dark Arts. I am your instructor, Darth Vader."
"A muggle? Dumbledore must be insane! My father won't stand for this!" Malfoy complained.
"Fifty points from Slytherin for insulting the Headmaster." Vader replied easily.
As Vader turned to write on the chalkboard, Malfoy sent a hex at him, which was easily dodged.
"One hundred points and detention, Mister Malfoy. Try it again, and I will take away your respiration privileges."
Malfoy stupidly tried again, thinking that the dodge was just a fluke, as muggles couldn't be competent.
Two hours later, Darth Vader was sitting at the Minister of Magic's desk, on holo-call with his wife.
"Seriously? I send you on a diplomatic mission as a teacher, and you call me saying you've taken over!?"
"It was not my fault. I conquered them in self-defence."
"They were trying to arrest you for strangling a twelve-year-old!"
"Who tried attacking me twice, once after I warned him I would."
"He was twelve!"
"I've killed younger."
Silence.
"...Admitting that isn't going to help me, is it?" Vader realized too late.
His wife hung up in disgust.
There was a knock on the door.
"Enter."
"Excuse me, Professor?" The black haired, green-eyed, lightning-bolt-scarred preteen greeted.
"What is it?"
"Um, I was wondering if you could help me. It's about my relatives, sir. They don't like magic, and so, sometimes they...take it out on me. Would it be possible to arrange to have me sent to different guardians?"
"I'll do better." Vader replied, as he reached for his holocommunicator.
"Rex. Take Mister Potter here and show him how tyrants other than me will be dealt with under my rule. I recommend a Lars Special."
"...Should I find it disturbing that you named the code for burning civilians alive after your in-laws?"
"...Long story. Now get to it."
.
Dudley Dursley was returning home after a hard day of bullying small children, when he noticed the smoke.
Convinced that nothing bad could ever happen to him, unless that freak was involved, he ignored it.
So, when he arrived at #4 Privet Drive, only to see his house burned down and his parents charred skeletons were displayed in the driveway, his world-view was shattered.
Only one thing from his old life still made sense. The Freak must have been responsible.
Vowing revenge, he trained for his showdown with the Freak, eventually fleeing Earth to join the Rebel Alliance under the assumed name of Jek Porkins.
He became famous for blowing up.
Another Reason Why Star Wars and Harry Potter Crossovers Would End Horribly
"Congratulations, Harry. You are now a Jedi Knight. We now have an important task, that must be fulfilled if there is to be balance to the Force. You must defeat Darth Vader."
"Of course, Obi-Wan."
Harry Potter flew off in his X-Wing, in order to confront the Dark Lord.
After a brief struggle, they were at a stand off.
"Impressive. But there is little need for us to fight. The Jedi are already beaten."
"If you're going to go ' we are so similar, you and I' I swear I will hex you."
"I would stab myself first. Besides, what can a kid like you have in common with me? I was a boy who was treated like property before suddenly I was 'the Chosen One'..."
"...And everyone expected you to conform to their image of you…"
"...And they kept on treating me with irritating admiration or complete suspicion…"
"...And whenever you needed help, you were either ignored, or were told a bunch of useless advice by old men trying to look wise…"
"And I couldn't even spend time with my loved ones because there were constant life-or-death struggles that took up my schedule!"
"Wow, we actually do have a lot in common. But I didn't snap and turn evil!" Harry argued.
"Why not?"
Silence.
.
"And so, I would like to present my apprentice, Darth Sowilo!" Darth Vader announced to the room full of stormtroopers.
