Hey guys! I'm updating this again today because I really wanted to - don't get used to it. This fic is going to be about eight chapters long - maybe more maybe less. It's also an AU take on Ziva's rescue if she wasn't rescued by NCIS. The chapters will alternate between Tony's POV and Ziva's.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic apart from Fearne. Except I don't even really own her - because she's Amy's creation.


From 1000 miles apart

Feels so cold

Felt just like its ten shades of winter

And I need the sun

~'Won't stop' One republic ~

It's about 5am when Tony slinks into the bullpen and heads straight for his desk. His head hurts and he regrets spending last night downing whiskey as if it was water. The headache is unbearable and he should have stayed in bed until at least seven thirty which is when he usually gets up but lying in bed let him think. He doesn't want to think.

Ziva's dead. Two words he never though he'd hear in the same sentence. They don't belong together and yet it's remarkably easy to say them. Of course he doesn't, because he can't. Saying them would be accepting that Ziva is dead and he's not quite sure he's ready for that yet.

It's been about three weeks since he found out and everything has sort of blurred into one. One drink at night has turned into many and he's in serious danger of becoming an alcoholic. Tony's seen these people, when he used to be a cop; the ones that drink just to get through the day and before they know it, they're drinking up to two bottles a day. He used to swear to himself that he's never become like that but he thinks he forgot that promise after he unscrewed the cap of the first bottle. Of course he's not quite sure.

His apartment is suffocating but here isn't. It's not busy at five in the morning which is the way he intended it. Her desk is empty and he wants it to stay like that. Tony doesn't want a new team member, one that would replace Ziva just like Ziva had replaced Kate because Ziva's not replaceable. Every time he looked at the new agent, he would silently be comparing them to Ziva, judging them and he has enough sense left to know that this wouldn't be fair.

It isn't how she would have wanted to go. Ziva would have wanted to die in something like a gunfight or knife fight or saving someone's ass or protecting her country. Tony knew her well enough to know that that's what she would have wanted, even if she hadn't said as much in words. A ship sinking is too calm, too peaceful. While the survivors of Titanic might disagree, it was too secluded. Nobody is interested in the sinking of a cargo ship called the Damocles. Except maybe him. Sometimes, when it's late at night and he's drifting off, he'll see Ziva drowning, gasping for air and it makes him feel like crying. Except he doesn't because he hasn't really cried since his mom died and that's when he was eight. Now he's a middle aged man who's having nightmares about his (ex?) partner drowning. Tony's not quite sure if he's allowed to cry over that.

This isn't fair. Other people miss her too. People like McGee and Ducky, even if they don't show it the same way Tony and Abby do. Abby shows it in the way she cries and the way she's tacked up Ziva's picture in her lab, next to Kate's. Tony shows it in the way he's listless, focusing on something the other's can't see, the way his eyes are red rimmed when he comes into work in the morning and the way he smells distinctly of alcohol.

Tony opens up a file on his computer and sees that it's labelled 'Ziva'. Tentatively, he opens it and sees about a dozen pictures from LA fill the screen. God, had he really taken that many of Ziva? Geez, this is enough for a stalking conviction. It doesn't stop him from looking at them, spending at least a minute on each picture. She looked so may sound cliché but she looked as if she was free from any burden. This was before they knew abou Jenny and before Vance broke up the team and before they even knew a man called Michael Rivkin existed. God, how he wishes it has stayed that way.

What the hell happened to him? Where did Anthony DiNozzo the playboy go, huh? The only woman he has even really paid attention to (as in concentrating on what they're saying - not that kind of attention ) in months is Abby and that's because Abby is practically his sister and it's impossible to ignore Abby. She makes him feel better about himself in a way nobody else he has ever met has quite managed. She's always opne for a hug and always has a smile and something crazy to say that makes him smile whether he feels like it or not. He's known Abby for about nine years now. He sees her more than he sees his dad, or any other member of his biological family for that matter.

Tony's head hurts so much, yet so does everything else so it pales slightly in comparison. Damn the stupid bottle of whiskey that he keeps emptying and then replacing 'in case of emergencies'. Damn Michael Rivkin for starting this whole mess or better yet, Damn Eli David. Damn Mossad and Damn the guy that started it! Damn everything!

And of course he has to wonder what would his life be like if Ziva had never appeared in it. It's a difficult question because of course he doesn't have a straight answer. He would probably be the same person more or less. His life wouldn't be worse because he would never have known her and you can't miss something you never had. You also can't long for something you've never known. But that's the thing, he has known her and he feels things for her - more than any other federal agent would feel for their partner. He misses her and he just wants her back at that damn desk across from his, staring at him with those big brown eyes.

Of course he won't pretend that what she said and did to him in Tel Aviv didn't hurt because it did. He won't pretend that he was angry at the way she was treating him because he didn't deserve it - he was just trying to protect her. Yet he sees that maybe he went about it the wrong way. Maybe he shouldn't have just thrown all those things about Michael in her face. Ziva had obviously known Michael for a long time and she had every right to be upset that he was dead. It was just that Tony couldn't see it at the time, didn't want to see how she could mourn a man like that. Except he does now.

That's the annoying thing about hindsight, it's always 20/20.