Author's Note: You're all very lucky I got all but a paragraph of this done before I saw something the made me really depressed. You're luckier that being depressed gave me a little muse burst to finish up too.
Description: Actions come with consequences. When things went to far, he was expelled. When the pressure became too much he tried to vanish forever.
Warning: Sirius abuse! ...Okay, so he gets glomped a lot. And I didn't put in any breaks. It just... flowed better this way. Please tell me if it adds to or takes away to the story to be like this.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter... -sniffle- Christmas is coming up though!
Key: italics - stressed words or thoughts.
"..." - talking.
The Act of Forgiving
Chapter 1 :Just in case you forgot
The dorm room was dark.
It was so dark within the place he'd called home for what was going on five years that he could almost feel himself suffocating in the pitch black depths. This was going to be the last time he ever entered this room. He could already feel fresh hot tears streaming down his cheeks, following the trails left from his sobbing up in the Headmaster's office. A new kind of pain had entered him. Not only had he been expelled (which he fully deserved. Hell, give him the death penalty, he wouldn't resist.) but he had to spend the rest of the night here. He'd have to face his... they probably wouldn't let him call them friends anymore.
As he paused to really listen, Sirius could tell that both Peter and James were awake. Their breathing was heated much too quick for sleep, and much too close together. They were probably both sitting on James' bed. As he took a step into the room he heard it stop altogether and the creak of a bedspring as one of them shifted.
"Black." James' cold voice made his own breath stop and for a long moment that seemed to take years everything was completely silent. Finally there was the muttering of a spell and the lights came on. "Do you have any idea what you've done? What could have happened? Do you ever think? For Merlin's sake, Black, Remus could have killed Snape. You could have made him a murderer? What the fuck could have possessed you?"
Sirius kept his mouth shut, knowing that any attempt at speech would only cause him to cry harder. He ran a shaking hand across his face to try and clear up the damage that had already been done. He barely realized James had stepped forward until the young Potter had wrenched his arm away from his face and he felt a fist slam into the side of his jaw. The pain came as a shock and his eyes widened significantly as he looked back at his equally surprised friend. A small, squeaky voice sounded from across the room then.
"James! We said we'd let Moony confront him first!" Peter had stood and now shifted nervously just a foot away from the pair. As James turned to look at their smaller friend, the young Black slowly brought a hand up to nurse his throbbing jaw. His eyes dulled as he watched James' defeated nod. He was thrown a distinct glare from James before the other boy had settled himself back in his bed. Peter looked like he was biting back a comment as he quickly backed into his own bed. A whispered spell sounded and the room was thrust back into darkness.
Sirius had never been afraid of the dark before that night. And night had never seemed longer.
He had moved silently to his bed, sitting on the edge and not moving until his exhausted body collapsed back upon it and an uneasy sleep had taken him. When he awoke the room was much too quiet. James and Peter had left him here. Not that it mattered as he would be leaving forever just as soon as he got up to Dumbledore's office.
He threw his legs over the side of the bed and stood. He was shaky and unbalanced as he took a single step forward. This was going to be the beginning of the hardest time in his entire life. Where was he going to go? His mother wanted him about as much as she wanted to catch the plague. The feeling was quite mutual, but did he really have any other options? He felt his breath quickening. If he had to go back to Number 12, Grimmauld Place, it would be two years before he could leave again.
I deserve this.
He was surprised by his own thoughts, but immediately knew they were true. He had betrayed the only people that mattered in his life and now he had to suffer to consequences. He took a deep, steadying breath and managed to take another step toward the door. His eyes wandered, taking in everything as it hit him once more that he was really never coming back. Memories began to gang on him, but each time he would feel an incessant throb in his jaw and he would remember that they hated him. James and Peter hated him and Remus... Remus would hate him more than either of them could.
Before he could pull himself from his thoughts the door burst open and an enraged looking Remus came into the room. "How could you?" the voice was still soft, but so dangerously wolf-like that Sirius couldn't help but to gulp as he stumbled backward a step. The young Lupin quickly made up for this by coming forward and punching him hard in the jaw on the already bruised skin. The young Black flinched away, hand going up to lightly touch the throbbing skin.
"I... I don't know. I didn't--"
"No! You didn't bloody well think! You betrayed me! I trusted you with the biggest secret of my life an you bloody used it against me! You're no better than your dammed family!" Remus ranted, fists clenched so tightly that his knuckles had gone white.
Sirius couldn't look at his former best mate. The other was right. Completely right. He'd ruined everything. His eyes flickered toward the door and he realized that James and Peter must have been there the whole time as Peter stepped forward. "I hate you." he said, voice lacking its usual tremor as he went directly to his bed. Both James and Remus nodded and Sirius felt his head drop to look at the very interesting floor as he whispered a reply.
"You never have to deal with me again, I promise."
With that he had slowly walked out of the door and down the steps, silver eyes opening so blurry that he must still be making the trek to Dumbledore's office. But when he wiped his eyes it all came back to him. He was laying on his bed in his apartment, the off-white ceiling mocking him as the sunlight glittered and bounced with the shapes cast by the way light came through his curtains. Sitting up slowly, he rubbed his sleeve across his eyes only to curse as he realized he was still wearing his leather jacket from when he'd collapsed on his bed the night before. In fact, he was still wearing all of yesterday's clothes.
This had been happening all too often since he'd went to James and Lily's wedding. He'd find himself going mechanically getting ready and hurrying to his college classes in the morning, rushing from there to his job (which he worked from around lunchtime to the beginning of dinner, though on weekends, he would usually work breakfast too.) at a small local cafe, coming home to finish all his assignments, and finally taking his pills and falling asleep fully clothed on his bed.
It just so happened that today was Saturday. His silver eyes wandered to the clock and he cursed madly as he saw that he had slept in. He could have sworn he'd set the alarm for an hour later than usual. Deciding this didn't matter, he jumped up and hurriedly changed into whatever was on top in his drawers before rushing out of the apartment to jump on his motorcycle. It was a miracle that he made it on time to work.
He worked his first few hours without a problem and even joked around a bit with his coworkers. The day seemed to be going a lot more smoothly than the last several had and he was very glad for the change. Perhaps it wasn't just James and Lily's wedding that had set him off. Now that he thought of it, it could have just been the extra homework as exams came closer and the way several other college students seemed to be doubling the costumer base as stress brought them seeking different studying environments.
"Hello, my name's Sirius. I'll be your server today." he chimed, feigning a cheerful voice easily as he came to his next table. As he was pushing his long black hair behind one ear he finally got a good look at the red haired woman and her light brown haired friend who were both staring at him with big eyes and unbelieving expressions on their faces. He felt his false smile completely fall and his breath caught in his throat.
He stood, unable to move as he stared at Lily Ev—Potter and Remus Lupin. They too seemed frozen and for a long moment the only comfort the young Black could feel was from the cafe chatter surrounding them, seeming to drown his senses and suffocate him beneath it. Maybe he could die from just the chatter alone and not have to deal with this. Suddenly, Lily had stood, her hand rushing to meet his cheek. He staggered backwards a step or two in shock as the whole cafe seemed to go completely silent. He looked around, realizing that most everyone had turned to watch and gave a slight shrug as a coworker mouthed an 'Are you okay?' at him.
Remus seemed to find himself again and said in a very quiet voice "Grab him."
Lily didn't hesitate to pinch Sirius' ear between her fingers as she began for the door. A brave coworker, the same that had mouthed to Sirius just a moment ago tried to stop her with a "Ma'am, his shift isn't over yet!" she pushed past the man and finally pulled the young Black out into the daylight. Remus paused briefly and turned to the coworker.
"I'm afraid we're going to have to apprehend Sirius for a little while. If you could please inform his boss that he suddenly became ill?"it was posed as a question but the poor man could tell it was more of a threat as he nodded suddenly and turned quickly for the kitchen. Remus smiled politely at all the gawkers before turning to follow Lily and Sirius out the door.
Outside he was met with quite a sight. Lily still had Sirius by the ear. The later had finally seemed to have come to his senses and was uncomfortably trying to push her hand away. "No offense, but what the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm going to get fired." he said, voice low and irritated. Even so, they could all hear the insecurity and nervousness flaked in it.
"First off, I am dragging you by the ear to the nearest alley so Remus and I can apparate you back to my house where we will proceed to interrupt James' work, floo Peter, and have a very long talk with you." Lily began, looking to Remus to answer the second part of her captive's statement.
"And secondly," the werewolf began, coming up to take hold of Sirius' upper arm to keep him still, "I talked with one of your coworkers. Providing that he does as I asked your job should be fine." the young Lupin took a step forward and Lily followed. Sirius was forced to shuffle along between then until they slid into the alley by the cafe.
There was a loud crack just as Sirius felt like his entire body was being squeezed through too small an opening. Almost as soon as it had begun, the uncomfortable feeling stopped and he found himself in a very neat and clean living room. Assured now that he couldn't get away, both Remus and Lily released him, the later calling out, "James, get your ass out here. Remus and I brought home a stray."
There was a minute of intense cursing and Sirius felt his breathing getting very fast, could tell his vision was blurring, and knew he was beginning to panic. He was about to come face to face with a problem he'd been avoiding since he was fifteen. And the last memories he had of the people surrounding him were all bad ones.
Your afraid.
That voice in the back of his head helpfully supplied and he was awarded a case of deja-vu. I'm completely terrified.
His silver eyes met hazel much too soon. He couldn't seem to read the expression on his former best mate's face and as the other started toward him with that unfamiliar look he felt himself growl completely still, breath catching in his throat. And then he was on the ground with an arm-full of James and he was staring in mild shock as the man that had just tackled him proceeded to pin him to the ground, eyes set to full glares.
"You right bloody bastard! How dare you disappear, ignore all our owls, show up at my fucking wedding, and then disappear again! I have no idea how the fuck Remus and Lily found you, but you better be grateful it wasn't me! I would have beat the shit out of your sorry ass. I would now, but Lily would kill me for getting blood on the carpet." And then he could feel James' arms around him and the other man's body shaking as he awkwardly lay beneath him. Was James Potter crying? He lay completely still, almost afraid of the other deciding to just punch him anyway before James had gotten up and offered him a hand. He took it stiffly, letting go the second he found his balance.
"Good to see you too..." Sirius found himself mumbling sarcastically as he nervously shuffled his feet. Suddenly he found himself hitting the ground again and let out a little cry of alarm as he heard a voice whispering fervently into his ear.
"Do you have any idea what kind of hell you put us through, Sirius?" and then he was confined to another hug. He gulped uncertainly, turning his head away just in time to see Lily leaning into the floo out of the corner of his eye. He groaned lightly, lifting his head the inch he could from his current position and let it fall hard to the floor.
"Why are you guys doing this?" he asked as Remus finally stood. He took the offered hand but felt even more awkward now that he was standing with two of his former best mates. The both looked at him quite incredulously for a moment before James opened his mouth to speak.
"Isn't it fucking obvious?"
Sirius didn't have time to answer as Lily pulled her head out of the floo and walked over to give him a hug. "You're a complete fool, Sirius Black." he was quite surprised by her hug and again found himself awkwardly unresponsive until she pulled away. He gulped and started talking even as Peter tumbled out of the floo.
"So first I get assaulted in front of my coworkers and customers, abducted from work, dragged into an alley, apparated into a strange house, assaulted again, and insulted. Anything else I need to be aware of?" he asked, leaning warily against the wall as Peter gave him a wide-eyed stare and he suddenly found himself on the floor for the third time. Only this time it wasn't the Quidditch toned James or werewolf skinny Remus. He felt all his breath being knocked out of him as Peter hugged him tightly and squeaked out random things.
"Oh Sirius! I can't believe you're here! We all saw you at the wedding and... Good Merlin it's been a long time!" Around the room the tension left everyone but the young Black as James laughed and grabbed Peter's shoulder to pull him off.
"C'mon, Pete. Let the guy breathe."
Sirius found yet another hand being lowered toward him and closed his eyes to get over his building irritation. "Can we please stop having 'Glomp a Black' day?" he asked in a strained voice as he once more leaned against the wall. This only elicited more laughs from around the room before Lily was taking over.
"Well, everybody sit down. I'll go get us some drinks. Firewhiskey sound good?" she didn't wait for an answer before bustling off and Sirius couldn't help the slight grin that came to his face.
"I haven't had firewhiskey since my fifteenth birthday." he muttered as James shoved him into an armchair. He found eyes staring at him and sighed. "I'm going to have to explain everything, aren't I?" he asked slowly. There were nods around the room as Lily came back in with five bottles of whiskey and passed them out. They all sat in a slightly tense silence, bottles clinking and a accidental slurping noise here or there before Remus finally broke the tension.
"Well Sirius, get talking."
The young Black took a deep breath, bracing himself for what was still a very emotional story for him. He may have gotten a stable life together in the muggle world, but even now, years later, he was still struggling with the memories of what had happened, of what he'd done.
"I guess I'm not getting out of this. I better start from the beginning." silence followed his words and he risked a glance up to see all eyes on him. Taking a quick, steadying drink of the alcohol still clutched in his hand he found the strength to begin. "It all started that night I sent Snape after Remus. Or rather, when I got expelled for it." he began slowly.
You know you want to cheer me up and leave a review. -puppydog eyes with Sirius and Remus-
