Shinobi Stronghold
Chapter 2
Zâramzahar
"Overseer, there is a problem." One of the Urists reported.
Otthatekur, the 'mayor' of Zâramzahar, looked up from his desk.
"What is it?"
"We lack potable water. As you know, the only supply of water nearby is the ocean. Which is undrinkable."
"We've been making due by trading with the locals."
"But that's not sustainable in the long run. Even now, Almoshkon the Broker reports of the local's economy showing signs of faltering."
"While that is grave news, there is nothing I can do about it, unless we find a new source."
"Actually, I have a solution. The cave mushrooms we've found appear to be fermentable."
Otthatekur thought about this for a moment.
"Do what you need to to make it happen. Also, assign one of the Urists to ensure our supply of mushrooms is sustainable. For this, you have earned the name Stigilethab."
"Thank you, Overseer! I will not disappoint you!" The newly named Dorf left the office.
Konoha, the next day…
Kakashi was having a normal day.
Reading his book, watching Naruto and Sasuke "spar" out of the corner of his eye, making sure they didn't "accidentally" kill each other…
Yep. A normal day.
And then Naruto dropped. The orange-clad genin clutched his head in pain.
"Naruto, are you okay? What happened?" Kakashi asked.
"It's loch mah feckin' heed is bein' used as a fitba by a donkey!" Naruto slurred.
"Naruto! Language!" Sakura screeched.
Naruto's eyes flashed with rage.
"Shut th' heel up, ye damn harpy! Yer yellin' soonds loch a howler monkey bein' buggered by a dug whistle!" Naruto thundered.
Surprise more than anything made her comply. Naruto had been so infatuated with her, he never raised his voice at her, before now. Out of anger, anyway. After all, Naruto had two settings- loud, and unconscious.
"Did he have a stroke?" Sasuke asked, as he watched Naruto worm his way into a patch of shade, muttering about "Bludy god shinin' a goddamn flashlecht intae mah een."
"No, wrong symptoms. It's almost like a hangover, but they don't hit instantly...Unless…"
And just like that, everything clicked into place in Kakashi's mind.
"Naruto, what have your shadow clones been doing?"
"Hoo th' bludy heel shoods Ah ken whit those bastards ur up tae? Ah huvnae seen them in months!"
Kakashi's eye widened in horror. A reason why Shadow Clones are a forbidden jutsu is that after a while, clones become...unstable. You should dispel them the second you are done using them. Otherwise… bad things happen. His eye glazed over, as he was lost in remembrance…
Flashback, several years ago…
Kakashi entered his apartment, carrying an armful of groceries. When he had a chance to survey the apartment, he dropped them in shock.
In his apartment, there was another him. Without his mask. Wearing green. And smiling.
"You know, I've been thinking. We're really too morose. Gai is right, we are in the Springtime of our youth, and we shouldn't spend it in misery. So, c'mon! Let's head to one of the training fields-you can spot me while I do some squat thrusts. Yosh!" Kakashi Two explained.
Kakashi Prime's eye widened in horror. With shaking hands, he formed the handseal necessary to dispel the clone.
"Begone, demon!" He yelled, then the other Kakashi vanished in a puff of smoke.
Present day…
Kakashi shuddered. Sometimes he still got the urge to put on spandex and go for a morning jog.
"You two, keep an eye on him. Just keep him hydrated. I need to have a chat with somebody." Kakashi ordered.
Orders given, he legged it.
Kakashi was a blur as he rushed towards the Hokage's office.
A nearby ANBU spotted him, and fumbled for his radio.
"Go to red alert! Code Silver Flash! Say again, Code Silver Flash!"
"I hear you, Racoon. Going to red alert."
You see, Kakashi was one of the strongest ninja residing in the village. He was also notoriously… relaxed. If something was going on that actually forced him to haul ass, as he was doing at the moment, it was important. And ANBU needed to be ready for it.
At the Hokage's Office…
"Sir, animals have been disappearing in the Forest of Death. Not only that, but there's been evidence of logging." Anko reported.
"Thank you for informing me, Anko. I'll have someone look into it." The Hokage replied.
That's when Kakashi careened through the door.
"Lord Hokage! I need to talk to you! It's important!"
"I guessed as much from your refusal to waste time by opening the door before going through it. Anko, I will discuss the Forest of Death with you later. Keep me informed of any changes." Anko saluted, and left.
"Now, what is it, Kakashi?"
"It's Naruto. Apparently he's been having teams of shadow clones go off and do their own thing for months."
"While...inadvisable, I don't see the urgency that you apparently do. Though it's odd that I haven't seen any of these clones running around."
"That's because, if my suspicions are correct, they're not in the village."
The Hokage instantly sobered.
"That is a problem."
Having ninja acting without supervision of a village was nearly always a bad thing- it's why missing-nins were such a problem. Having squads of unsupervised ninja running amok was a disaster. Squads of unsupervised Jinchuriki was literally unheard of. Combine that with Naruto being the son of the Yellow Flash, a man so hated by Konoha's enemies he had a bounty on his head to this day, despite being dead for over a decade…
Problem was an understatement.
Of course, it could be mitigated if the Clone Squads were discreet.
Unfortunately, it was Naruto they were talking about.
"At least there are only a few of them." The Hokage said optimistically.
Meanwhile, at Zarsgunud…
As if in a cliche anime, The Thousand Clones of Zarsgunud all sneezed at once.
The resulting cave-in killed three Urists.
At the Hokage's Office…
The Hokage and Kakashi quizzically looked at each other as the the building was hit by a small tremor.
"That's odd, there isn't a fault line anywhere near here. Anyway, I'll have Jiraiya look into it. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. How did you find out about it, if you don't mind me asking?"
"He spontaneously got a hangover in the middle of training."
'So, we're dealing with squads of drunk missing-nin Narutos.' The Hokage thought.
As the realization set in, the God of Shinobi let out a whimper.
Zâramzahar
Otthatekur glared at Stigilethab as he nursed his headache.
"There's a flaw in your plan to solve our hydration problem. We lost ten Urists as they beat their heads against a wall to ease the pain." Otthatekur snarled.
"Actually, I have a plan to counteract that. They call it 'hair of the dog.' Simply put, the more you drink, the less it hurts. After all, hangovers are the result of not being drunk anymore. So if you're always drunk, no hangover." Stigilethab reasoned.
Otthatekur thought about that irreparably twisted logic.
"Makes sense to me." He said finally, and took another swig of Fungus Beer.
AN: Yes, Naruto gets a Scottish accent while drunk. I am turning him into a stereotypical Dwarf, after all.
TRANSLATIONS:
Stigilethab, "Jawrinse"
Otthatekur, "Directmight"
Almoshkon, "Gleammaster"
"It's loch mah feckin' heed is bein' used as a fitba by a donkey!"- It's like my fucking head is being used by a football by a donkey!
"Shut th' heel up, ye damn harpy! Yer yellin' soonds loch a howler monkey bein' buggered by a dug whistle!"- Shut up you damn harpy! Your yelling sounds like a howler monkey being buggered by a dog whistle!
Bludy god shinin' a goddamn flashlecht intae mah een."- Bloody God shining a flashlight into my eyes
(No, I don't know why the generator I used translated 'eyes' to 'een'.)
"Hoo th' bludy heel shoods Ah ken whit those bastards ur up tae? Ah huvnae seen them in months!"-How the bloody hell should I know what those bastards are up to? I haven't seen them in months!
