Chapter 2: How to Shop for a Baby.
"Before we go, we should probably find something else to put Orochimaru in. A blanket or something, I mean." Iruka suggested, and handed him back to Anko. He disappeared into another room, leaving Anko and the poor, defenseless baby alone together.
"You little monster." She said scowling at him. "I know you're up to something. I'm not buying your cute little act." Orochimaru looked up at his caretaker innocently and sighed in content.
"Here, you can wrap him in this." Iruka said as he reentered the room, holding out a blanket.
"Thanks." Anko said, and tried to wrap the baby up without dropping him-at least not in an obvious way. Iruka waited patiently for her to figure it out, and the kunoichi's patience rapidly drained. "Why is this so complicated!" She complained loudly. "Here, you do it!" She demanded, shoving Orochimaru at Iruka again.
"No, you need to learn how to do it yourself." Iruka said in his best teacher voice.
"Try laying him down on the couch and doing it." The chunin suggested. Anko complied reluctantly, and after several attempts, and almost fifteen minutes later, she finally got the baby wrapped up to her satisfaction.
"Anko-san, did anyone ever tell you you're a bit of a perfectionist?" Iruka teased, earning a glare from the jonin.
"Can we just go now?" The woman complained, picking up the baby. Orochimaru was thrilled that his new favorite person was holding him again. He made some appreciative baby noises and started trying to catch Anko's pendant, which was hanging around her neck again. "No, that's not a toy!" She snapped, pulling it out of his reach. The baby's lower lip began to tremble slightly, and he whimpered. The jonin looked down at him and tensed. 'Oh God, don't let him cry again!' She silently begged when she saw his expression. Tears were gathering in his eyes and the whimpers were getting louder.
"Anko…couldn't he play with it for a little while?" Iruka asked. He liked kids, but he couldn't deny that he didn't want to hear the baby screaming any more than Anko did. "We'll get him some toys at the store, and he'll probably forget about the pendant." He added, hoping it would convince the other ninja.
"Fine." She grumbled, leaving the necklace to hang as it usually did. The baby's whimpers stopped almost instantly, and he resumed his mission of catching the ever-elusive dangly-thing around his new mommy's neck.
"All right, let's get going then." Iruka said cheerfully, ushering Anko out the door and locking it behind him. "Oh, by the way, Anko, I was thinking…" He began.
"What is it?" The senior ninja inquired, glancing back at the teacher.
"We probably shouldn't tell anyone who the baby really is. It could put him in a lot of danger." Iruka answered gravely. Anko didn't think she'd mind if Orochimaru was in danger, but she kept that to herself.
"Okay, I agree." She said after a moment.
The walk to the store was fairly peaceful until the two ninjas passed Ichiraku. A certain blonde haired genin happened to glance up from his ramen and saw them. His blue eyes widened in disbelief and he abandoned his favorite meal as he rushed over to what appeared to be a couple and their new baby.
"IRUKA-SENSEI!" Naruto shrieked and ran up to them, pointing accusingly at Orochimaru. "When did you two have a baby? And why didn't you tell me about it?" The genin asked, looking hurt.
"Ah, Naruto it's not-" Iruka began, but was interrupted.
"And why her!" The clueless genin continued, oblivious of Anko's mounting rage. "She's so not your type, Iruka-sensei!" He scolded. "She's crazy, dangerous, creepy, and not nearly good enough for you! Really, Sensei, you can do way better!"
"Are you asking to die!" Anko growled, infuriated. Naruto finally noticed the murderous intent radiating from the jonin and took a few steps backward, just in case. "This thing isn't mine! And I'm not in a relationship with your precious sensei! He's just helping me out, you little brat!" She snapped.
"Anko-san, calm down. You're scaring him….again." Iruka told her calmly, and took the poor scared baby from her. "Naruto, don't jump to conclusions!" The boy's former teacher said sternly. Anko wasn't the only one who got annoyed by the outburst, it seemed.
"But you two…together…the baby…I just thought…" The genin defended poorly. "Fine, if he's not your baby, where did you get him?" The blonde challenged.
Neither adult spoke for a few minutes. Both were trying to come up with a good excuse, but neither seemed able to find one.
Finally Iruka spoke up. "Anko-san found him abandoned in the forest." Naruto raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"Don't you know where his parents are?" He asked, feeling rather sorry for the baby. The baby, on the other hand, was quite content. If he could speak, he would most likely be unable to deny that he felt much safer in Iruka's arms than in Anko's.
"No, we don't know, otherwise I wouldn't be stuck taking care of him." Anko muttered unhappily. "Lord Hokage assigned me to take care of him. Iruka is just helping me buy stuff for it."
"He's a baby, not an 'it'." Iruka reminded her. He had a feeling he would have to do so continually in the future.
"Well….I guess that makes sense." Naruto said, feeling relieved that his former sensei was not in a relationship with Anko, whom he had decided he disliked. "So, what's his name?" The genin asked, startling the elder ninjas.
"His…name?" Anko repeated nervously. 'Crap…since we're not telling people who he really is, we have to give him a fake name!' She thought. 'But…we never thought one up!'
"Well, we don't know that, remember?" Iruka reminded his protégé. "Anko-san found him, so we don't know what his name is."
Anko silently sighed in relief. 'Good save, Iruka.' She thought, making a mental note to thank him later. "I guess we should name him, then, huh?" She suggested, feeling more cheerful now that she wasn't in such an awkward situation.
"You could name him after me!" Naruto suggested, grinning up at Iruka.
"I would name him after Orochimaru before I even considered naming him after you." Anko teased. "Seriously, though, what about….um…" she trailed off, unable to think of a fitting name.
"What about….Kiyo?" Iruka suggested, simply picking a name out of thin air. "I think it fits him, don't you?" The teacher smiled at the other two ninja.
"Works for me." Anko replied. She didn't really care what they called Orochimaru in front of people. 'Monster' or 'Traitor' would've been fine with her, and the jonin had come up with several unrepeatable names for her former teacher as well.
Naruto paused for a moment, thinking it over. "I guess it's okay. I still think you should name him after me, though." He joked.
"If you don't like this name, we could always call him Sasuke-chan." Anko teased; an evil grin spread across her face.
The genin's face clouded over and he scowled at the woman. "No way am I letting you name that poor baby after someone like Sasuke!" Naruto yelled, letting his emotions-and Anko-get the best of him yet again.
'Poor baby?' Anko thought. 'Yeah, right. If Naruto knew who he really was, I doubt he'd think that.' Subconsciously, the kunoichi frowned. Iruka noticed, and took it as a sign that they should move on.
"Well Naruto, we have to keep going." Iruka said brightly. "We were on our way to buy Kiyo-chan some supplies." The teacher would've loved to bring his former student along, but something told him if he did, Anko would definitely kill him later.
"See you later, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto said cheerfully. "I'm going to go train some more! Well……." He paused for a moment. "After another bowl or two." He finished, running back to his ramen.
"Jeez, I thought he'd never leave us." Anko muttered, though the genin didn't bother her as much as she pretended he did. The baby had put her in a sour mood.
Iruka walked beside her quietly, making a mental list of items they would need. "We should probably buy diapers first, then put them on him." The teacher said, referring to Orochimaru. "That rules out the risk of him having an accident on one of us."
Anko paled slightly at the thought, and was extremely relieved that Iruka was still holding him. "Better you than me." She said playfully. The chunin gave her his best 'stern teacher' look, then forced Orochimaru back into her arms.
"Just for that, you take him." He said, now smiling evilly. Anko made a mental note that she had never known the chunin, who seemed so sweet and kind, could smile like that.
"I don't want him!" Anko complained. The baby squirmed in her arms and made little protesting noises. "Now what's his problem!" Anko groaned. Orochimaru continued to struggle and whine.
"Try holding him a different way." Iruka suggested.
"There's a different way?" The jonin asked, though she didn't really care what the baby wanted.
The schoolteacher nodded. "Like this." He answered as he re-positioned Orochimaru so that he could peek over the other ninja's shoulder. "Now we should probably get a burp cloth before he throws up on you."
"YOU TAKE HIM." Anko said, holding out Orochimaru and looking particularly threatening.
Iruka shook his head. "No. Lord Hokage entrusted him to you. You hold him." Though he said that, the teacher wasn't convinced that that decision was in the baby's best interest.
"How can he throw up on me anyway?" Anko continued. "I haven't fed him anything yet!"
"You found him a little before noon, right?" Iruka asked. "I'm sure he ate breakfast before he was transformed."
Anko gave an irritated sigh. She was sick of holding the baby, and she dreaded having to care for him full time. Just as she was starting to feel sorry for herself, Iruka interrupted her thoughts.
"Here we are." He said pleasantly, and opened the store's door for her. Anko scowled at him.
"I can open the door myself." She snapped at him as she walked through. The jonin disliked being treated like some helpless damsel who had to have everything done for her. Her bad mood didn't help the situation, and put Iruka at a risk of severe injury. The teacher ignored her comment and followed her through the door.
The kunoichi glanced around, looking for some sort of baby-like merchandise. "I don't see anything." She said.
"That's because you've barely stepped through the door." Iruka said calmly, as if he was talking to a child. Anko gave him another dirty look, but said nothing. "The baby section is by the lingerie." The teacher continued.
Anko grinned mischievously at him. "Oh? So you know where the lingerie is?" She teased him, making the sensei blush slightly.
"I only know because that department is right by the books!" He defended quickly.
The jonin grinned triumphantly and added, "I think you're just a pervert." She made a mental note to keep teasing him. It was easier than she thought, and lots of fun.
Iruka muttered something inaudible and started toward the baby department. "It's this way." He said over his shoulder, giving Anko a quick glare. The jonin grabbed a cart with her free hand and followed him.
A few aisles and an unpleasant incident with a shopping cart later, the two ninja finally reached their goal: the baby department.
Orochimaru instantly spotted a soft, stuffed snake that looked bigger than him. He reached for it, but was foiled by his arms' lack of length. Refusing to give in, he continued to squirm in Anko's arms until she finally got sick of it.
"What do you want!" She growled at him. The woman glanced behind to where the baby was reaching and saw the snake. She walked over to it, giving Orochimaru his chance. He took it and leaned down in her arms to snatch the snake up and hug it tightly. Then, satisfied, he leaned against Anko again, still clutching the toy. Iruka wished he had a camera. The adorable moment was quickly destroyed when the kunoichi saw the price tag.
"You'll never give up this snake obsession will you?" She asked him. "Anyway, this thing costs more than it's worth." Anko pulled the snake away and put it on the shelf out of his reach. Orochimaru was quiet for a few seconds; his brain was still processing the fact that his happy, perfect moment had been ruined. Then he started crying again, and buried his face in the jonin's shoulder.
Anko twitched a bit, sickened by the fact that her former teacher was clinging to her and bawling. Iruka seemed to catch on and smiled slightly, hoping to encourage the woman a little.
"He's not really your teacher anymore, Anko-san." The chunin spoke up. "He's not even a ninja anymore. He's only a baby. Think of him as a new person. He's not Orochimaru anymore." The kunoichi didn't think she could ever think of him as just a baby, but didn't voice that opinion. "Maybe we can find him a cheaper toy, and he'll forget about the snake." Iruka said. Anko snorted rudely in reply. Orochimaru continued to cry, though not as hard, and was clutching her pendant tightly.
The two ninja began to search through the aisles. "He'll definitely need these." Iruka said, pulling two packages of diapers off the shelf.
"Would you hold him for a while?" Anko asked. "My arms are getting tired, and my pendant is covered in drool." She gave the baby an evil look. The chunin tried to gently pry Orochimaru away from Anko, but the baby clung to her like a monkey and screeched until Iruka let go.
"I guess you're stuck with him." Iruka sighed. "You can try putting him in the cart, though." He added, motioning toward the cart's seat. It took several attempts, but Anko finally managed to get the baby buckled in.
The two ninja continued to the next aisle, where the kunoichi snatched up the first pacifier she saw. "He's not sucking on my pendant anymore." She said firmly, and tossed the item in the cart's basket, narrowly missing Orochimaru's head. Iruka added a blanket, a bottle, and some baby formula.
"I'll go find a crib, so go find him some clothes in the meantime." The schoolteacher instructed.
A strange expression crossed Anko's face when she heard that; a mix of horror, disgust and embarrassment. A slight blush followed, and the jonin became fascinated with the floor.
"What's wrong?" Iruka asked, surprised by the sudden change in her attitude.
There was a pause, then the other ninja answered, "It's nothing. I'll go find some clothes." She walked away, pushing the cart along with her. 'I never really thought about it…' She thought, feeling very awkward around the baby now. 'Under that blanket……..he's naked. My former teacher is wrapped in nothing but a blanket, sitting in a cart drooling all over himself.' Anko was so absorbed in her thoughts, that she nearly ran the cart into a shelf. The jonin quickly veered back on course and hurried to the baby clothes.
Few people knew, but Anko was extremely picky about buying clothes. They had to be exactly the way she wanted them, and was very particular about details. Thus, most of her clothes were custom made, and much more expensive. By the time Iruka rejoined her almost forty-five minutes later--he was picky about cribs--Anko hadn't chosen a single article of clothing.
"Um….can't you just pick something?" Iruka asked, trying not to sound whiny. "It's not that hard." The chunin glanced around quickly, and then pointed out a little pajama outfit with green puppies all over. "What about that?" He suggested. "That'll be perfect for him."
The woman shook her head disapprovingly. "I don't like the color." She said, and went back to scrutinizing a pair of tiny pants.
"Well, they have it in blue, too." Iruka said, trying to be patient. Unfortunately, most of his patience had been used up on Konohamaru earlier that day.
"He would never wear those, no matter what color they were." Anko refused, and then held up the pants. "I think these will be fine, don't you?" She asked.
"I don't like the pockets." Iruka teased, picking out the most unimportant detail he could think of.
The jonin frowned. "You know, now that I look closely, neither do I." She put the pants back on the rack. Anko paused, then grinned at Iruka. "Just kidding!" She said, carefully laying the pants in the cart.
Iruka let out a sigh of relief. For a moment, he had believed her. "You know, if you let me pick some things out, this will go much faster." He offered, hoping the kunoichi would allow it.
Anko hesitated, but nodded. "All right." She agreed. "I need to pick up a few groceries after this, so I'd like to finish up. Do we have everything else we need?" She asked.
The chunin shook his head. "No, we still need baby food, and some toys. You might want to consider buying some waterproof toys he can play with in the bathtub." He answered, causing Anko to make that face again.
"I am not bathing him." She said flatly. Her tone of voice made it clear that arguing the point now would be both pointless and dangerous. Thus, Iruka took the safe route and ignored her. He continued his list instead, saying, "You can get baby food at the grocery store. Do you know what Oro-I mean Kiyo-chan likes to eat?" He barely caught himself. A woman who had passed by would've heard for sure if he had slipped and called the baby by his real name.
Anko thought for a moment. She really had no idea. "I really have no idea." She answered. For all she knew, Orochimaru ate babies. 'If that's true, this is karma.' She thought, smiling slightly. "I'll just buy a bunch and find out through trial and error." She added.
"You'll need to get a high chair unless you're willing to subject your table and clothes to baby food." Iruka said as he tossed a few articles of clothing into the cart, the puppy pajamas included. When he wasn't looking, Anko slipped them out of the cart and onto a nearby clothing rack. She replaced them with a black pajama outfit with little green snakes on it. The jonin was confident that these were far more appropriate for the former snake ninja.
After adding a few more outfits and sending Iruka on a mission to find a high chair and anything else they'd need, Anko was satisfied with the baby's new wardrobe. The chunin came back with the items, smiling. "I think that's everything." He said cheerfully.
The kunoichi nodded. "Let's go pay, then you can put a diaper on him and get him dressed." She said, pushing the cart back toward the checkout.
Iruka looked at her in surprise. "I'm not putting a diaper on him. That's your job." He refused, earning a look of protest from the other ninja.
"What do you mean!" She asked urgently. "I'm definitely not doing it! He's a boy!" They reached the checkout and paid for everything while continuing to argue. Anko took the receipt from the employee and looked expectantly at Iruka, who pointed to the women's bathroom.
"He's a baby, Anko-san. Grow up and go change him in there." He said firmly, making it clear that there was no way out of this for her. To emphasize his point, he handed the jonin the diapers and a pair of clothes.
Anko looked like she was about to put a kunai through his skull, but took the diapers and clothes, and lifted the baby out of the cart. She disappeared into the women's restroom.
WOMEN'S RESTROOMThe jonin immediately located a counter, and laid Orochimaru on it. The baby looked up at her with mild interest, as if to ask what she was doing. Anko pulled a diaper out of the package and looked apprehensively at the child, who remained loosely wrapped in Iruka's blanket. For five minutes she just stared at him, wondering what she should do. "I guess….I should get this……over with…" Anko mumbled hesitantly. Cautiously, she reached out and pulled the blanket away. Orochimaru squirmed in protest at the sudden loss of warmth. The jonin quickly turned away, feeling extremely awkward. Hesitantly she turned back around to face the baby and was met with a spray of urine all over her jacket.
A stream of colorful curses was heard clearly outside the restroom. Iruka groaned, and hoped nobody in there was dying—Orochimaru in particular.
"YOU DAMN BRAT!" Anko shrieked. She hastily yanked her jacket off and turned the faucet on, trying to clean the mess off of her clothes. Orochimaru looked quite pleased with himself and giggled. "What's so funny you ass!" The kunoichi yelled at him. "I knew you were still evil! I knew it!" She grabbed a handful of paper towels and patted the wet spot on her jacket. All the while, she managed not to look at him. When at last she was mostly satisfied with her clothes, she returned to her other problem: getting the diaper and clothes on him. 'How am I supposed to do this?' She wondered, becoming frustrated. 'More importantly, how can I do it without touching him?' Luckily for her, an employee walked into the bathroom, extremely curious about the commotion. "Oh, hey, I need your help." Anko said. The look on her face told the girl that refusing would be a very bad idea.
"What can I help you with, Ma'am?" She asked politely.
"I don't know how to get this stupid diaper on it." The jonin replied, holding out the diaper.
"Ma'am, that's a baby, not an it." The girl corrected respectfully.
"Just show me how to put the stupid thing on!" The woman snapped, glaring at the poor employee.
"Y-yes Ma'am!" The girl squeaked. "Just lift up his legs and slip the diaper under, then you can lay him back down and stick the sides together." She instructed. Unfortunately, Anko proved to be terrible at changing diapers. Instead of merely lifting Orochimaru's legs, she lifted him up by his legs, making him scream. "Ma'am, not like that!" The girl exclaimed, taking the baby and laying him back down gently. "Just lift his legs enough so that you can slip the diaper underneath him." She demonstrated it quickly. "Just like that. Now you can stick the sides together and you're done."
Anko did so, and at last her task was completed—mostly. "Thanks, you can go." She told the employee- who decided it was wisest to get out of there- and picked up the baby clothes. "Getting you dressed ought to be simple enough. Luckily it was, and within ten minutes, she returned from the women's restroom.
"Oh, you did it! Good job!" Iruka congratulated cheerfully.
Anko scowled at him. "Don't talk to me like I'm one of your students." She said sourly, then held Orochimaru out to him. "Here, take him before I kill him."
The chunin took the baby in one arm and dug in the shopping bags with the other. "While you were in there, I took the liberty of getting him one more toy." He said, and pulled the stuffed snake out of a bag. Orochimaru squealed in delight and snatched the toy away.
Anko couldn't help smiling, despite her fury at the infant. "Thanks." She said. "You didn't have to do that." Even she couldn't deny it would probably be very useful for distracting or entertaining the child.
As the two ninja exited the store, the girl from the restroom ran to the employee phone in the store office and dialed. A few seconds later, she began talking. "You'll never guess who I just saw here with a baby!"
ANKO'S APARTMENT
After leaving the store, Iruka had helped carry everything to Anko's apartment, then left. "Thank God that's over with." She sighed, and flopped down on her couch. Orochimaru lay on the floor playing with the snake. "You're a real pain, you know that?" She asked, glaring at the child. 'How much longer will he stay like this?' She thought. 'And what happens when he changes back? I wonder if he'll remember any of this…' Anko was startled out of her thoughts by the phone ringing. Grumbling, she walked across the room to answer it. "Hello?" She asked, sounding crabby.
"Hello, Anko-san?" A girl's voice asked. It was the last person the jonin would've expected-or wanted- a phone call from. Haruno Sakura.
"Sakura?" The elder ninja asked, not sure if she identified the voice properly.
"Yes, this is Sakura. Anko-san, I was wondering…….." The genin said, sounding awkward. "Is it true……uh, is it true that…..you and Iruka-sensei…….had a baby?"
Authoress's Notes: And that's my attempt at a cliffhanger!
To everyone who reviewed the first chapter, thank you so much! I really appreciate it! Please keep giving me advice; it really helps!
