Don't
fear, Love
me, Heal
me,
Even thought you're at a loss.
I'm numb,
A shell
of empty thoughts.
But you glow,
You stretch and pull me
out.
Does that trouble you?
Does that trouble you?
Hate me,
Make me live again,
I need you around.
Hurt me,
Make me live again,
I want you around.
- 'Live Again' (Better Than Ezra)
After an hour spent fruitlessly searching the campus for Bella, I pulled out my cell phone. I hadn't decided whether I was going to call Carlisle or Alice first when the phone began to vibrate in my hand, telling me that I had a text message.
E -
I'm coming. And I'm bringing you a shirt. Don't go anywhere until I get there.
-A
I breathed a sigh of relief at the realization that Alice was on her way and that she already knew was happening. I stood there, telling myself over and over that I wouldn't lose Bella. She wouldn't just pack up and leave town. Surely she would stay, to honor her obligations. That was the Bella thing to do, wasn't it? I couldn't imagine her running away.
Although, I also couldn't imagine her having to live the lifestyle we lived. Alone. Especially on a university campus.
I stared at my reflection in a rain puddle. You did this, I thought, self-loathing turning my eyes black. Choking back a sob, I realized it was a good thing I couldn't cry actual tears, for if I could, an ocean wouldn't have been large enough to contain all the tears I wanted to cry for Bella.
Hating myself even more for wanting the release that weeping could have brought, I thought about the differences between Bella and I. The way the students surrounded her was further proof of what a despicable creature I was and showed that she, despite the change, was still an angel.
My image in the puddle taunted me with my contemptibility, my utter loathsomeness. Bella used to tell me I was beautiful. But now I just felt broken, ugly, unfit company for one as perfect as Bella.
It seemed only right that the heavens would open and rain pour down on the campus. All around me, students ran in every direction, searching for shelter from the storm, but I just stood where I was, allowing the rain to take the place of the tears that should have been running down my face. It was a good thing that I could not cry, because I knew that once I began, I would never be able to stop.
It was only a few minutes until Alice arrived. She walked up to me, carrying an open umbrella and a fresh shirt.
She held the shirt out wordlessly, looking almost apologetic. My hands shook as I took off my wet shirt, ran my fingers through my drenched hair and quickly put on the dry shirt. The rain and Alice's umbrella gave me a modesty of sorts, and I didn't have time to go seeking out a men's room to change in. And anyway, although the new shirt Alice had brought was dry, the rest of my clothes, and my shoes, were still drenched from the rain.
"Where is she?" I demanded. Alice opened her mind wide, seeking Bella through her visions. In Alice's mind I saw Bella rush into a room and begin to throw clothes hurriedly into a suitcase, dry sobbing and swearing as she did so. Another vision flashed and burned in my mind: the look on Bella's face as she opened a door and saw me standing there, the hurt and rage that distorted her features at the sight of me standing there.
Come on, Alice thought at me. We have to get there fast, she's on her way out!
We dashed across the campus at vampire speed, Alice thinking directions to me frantically as we ran. We barely paused at the door to the dorm, barreling through and racing desperately up the stairs. Alice finally stopped on the third floor, outside a room marked 317. 'Sorry, I've got a migraine,' was scrawled across the whiteboard attached to the door. My heart ached at the thought that Bella was so close, right behind this door.
I stood there, frozen, staring at that door, trying to get up the nerve to knock. Suddenly, the door was flung open and Bella stood in front of me, her face twisted in an agony that I couldn't help but recognize from personal experience. Her beautiful golden eyes were lifeless and dull and I realized that she shared the same feelings of anguish and loss that had tormented me constantly since the moment I'd left her alone in the woods. But her suffering was even greater than mine as she thought I'd left because I no longer loved her. I at least had had the comfort of knowing she loved me, or at least that she had loved me at the moment of our parting.
"You left me," she said, her voice catching on a sob. "Why have you come to find me now, after so long?" I stood there dumbly, the pain that flooded through me at the sound of her grief clogging my throat and preventing me from speaking. I thought I had felt heartache before, when I'd lost her. I knew now that I was wrong, that what I had endured in the past four years was nothing compared to the torture of knowing that I'd caused her to suffer such grief and torment.
"Bella," I whispered, barely able to force the simple word through my frozen lips. "Please, I…" I didn't know what to say to her. As I stood there mute, Alice stepped out from behind me and enveloped Bella in a hug.
"Alice," Bella cried as she embraced my sister almost desperately. "Oh God, Alice."
My sister was much smaller in stature than the love of my existence, but at that moment it seemed as if Bella were the slighter and more delicate of the two. I cringed as I saw the intensity, the ferocity with which Alice held her, having to remind myself that Bella was no longer as fragile as she had been in the past. I thought that it might take me a lifetime to adjust to Bella's new state.
I turned away from the two of them and moved to close Bella's door. Our reunion did not need to be witnessed by the other residents of the dorm.
"Oh Bella, we've missed you so much. Come home with us, please," Alice said, almost pleading. "Just come talk to us. All of us, we all want to see you. We've missed you."
"You're all here?" Bella said, her voice sounding broken. "All of you? Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper? Esme?" She choked on my mother's name and suddenly I wanted nothing more than for Esme to be here, to guide us through this unbelievably painful moment. I realized that Bella still loved my family, at least, despite what I had done to her, how I had hurt her.
"Oh yes," Alice crooned, pushing a lock of Bella's hair away from her face. "We are, and we all want to see you. Carlisle is on his way home from the hospital right now, Bella, because he wants to see you so badly. Don't you want to talk to him?"
I was right. Bella's love for my family hadn't diminished at all over the years and at that thought I felt a faint flicker of hope. Even if she never loved me again, and I felt certain she wouldn't, she could at least have my family to love, and to love her. I would leave forever if my presence made her uncomfortable. The loss of my family would be worth it, I knew, if it gave her some peace and happiness.
But first, I needed answers. "Bella," I whispered. "Who did this to you?" She stiffened at the sound of my voice and turned to face me, still safely cocooned within Alice's arms.
"Other than you?" she spat. I flinched the fury in her voice burning me like the sun. But I knew I deserved this from her. Much more than this, in fact. But I still needed to know, feeling within me the clawing desire to avenge her, to punish whoever had dared to lay a hand on my Bella.
"Bella," I begged. "Please. You have to tell me what happened."
"Tell you what?" she retorted. Her eyes were black with rage. Rage at me. It broke my heart to see it. I stepped forward, moving towards her, and she pulled away from Alice's embrace, backing away from me. At that, at the realization that she was trying to flee from me… from me… I lunged at her. I grasped her by the arms and pinned her forcefully against the wall, reminding myself that was no longer a fragile mortal, that my strength would not harm her anymore. Even so, treating her even the least bit more roughly than I had when she was so breakably human felt unnatural.
She wrenched one arm free, lifted her hand, and slapped me across the face so hard that my teeth rattled in my skull. Instantly, my depression and self-hatred turned to anger. I locked eyes with her and slammed her against the wall once again. I wasn't going to let her go until I got the answers I so desperately needed.
"Go to hell, Edward," she panted. A growl rumbled in her chest, and I knew that if I'd had a soul, it would have shrivelled at that sound. As I stood there, staring at her, she pulled her fist back and punched me hard in the mouth.
"Jesus!" I swore, grabbing her arms before she could hit me again. "Where the hell did you learn to hit like that?" My frustration at this situation increased, fuelled by the pain from the fierce blow she'd landed. She wriggled against me, trying to get free, and my anger began to be mingled with desire as I pinned her arms at her sides and held her there against the wall.
"Let me go," she growled furiously.
"Like hell I will! Tell me who bit you."
"No!"
"Fine," I rasped, only barely resisting the urge to kiss her until she couldn't breathe, until she could no longer even remember her own name. It had been a lifetime since I had felt her lips moving under mine and the temptation was overwhelming. I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm the tumult of emotions that flooded my brain and stole away my reason. "If you won't tell me, then you can tell Carlisle."
"Stop it," Alice growled, low and deadly. "Both of you. Just stop it."
Still panting, I released Bella and backed several paces away from her. As my anger began to cool, I began to feel completely and utterly ashamed of myself and my behavior. I sighed, dropping my eyes to the floor in shame and humiliation. "Bella, why don't you ride with Alice," I said quietly, not daring to look up at her again for fear of what I might see on her face, read in her eyes. "It's obvious that you don't want to be anywhere around me. I'll follow behind you."
"Come on, Bella," Alice said softly, soothingly, sounding almost like she was trying to talk a jumper back down off a ledge. She held out her hand to Bella, who hesitated for a moment but finally took it reluctantly. Alice shot a glare at me, clearly warning me not to say another word, and I followed them meekly out of the room.
The drive back to our house was excruciating. It seemed that every superlative I had lived through before was being exceeded. I'd thought I was miserable before, but this was worse, much worse. If I had ever been sad, or confused, or eager, or hopeless, this was worse.
We pulled up in front of the house and I lagged behind as Alice and Bella got out of their car and headed towards the steps leading up to the front door. I stood leaning against my own car and listened to the babblings of the frantic minds inside. Everyone was home. Carlisle was warning them all to try to remain calm but I heard Esme's mind before I saw her.
Straight as a shot, Esme was out the door and down the steps, hugging both Alice and Bella to her. Alice stepped back after a moment so that Esme could wrap both arms around Bella, holding her close.
"Bella, love, we have missed you so much. Welcome back, my dear daughter. Please, please come in." She cupped Bella's face with her hands and looked deeply into her clear brown eyes, seeing clearly the signs that Bella had become one of us – a Cullen.
If such a thing were possible, I know Bella's eyes would have filled with tears at Esme's warm maternal greeting. Her relief and happiness were clearly visible in the way she relaxed into Esme's embrace.
God, I wanted to hold her too. Just once more.
When Esme released Bella, she gently propelled her towards Carlisle, who was waiting eagerly to greet her as well.
"Oh Bella," Carlisle whispered. It was the fatherly tone I knew so well, the one he reserved for beloved, lost children.
She threw her arms around his neck and held on tight while he stroked her back gently. "We have all missed you so much," he whispered into her hair. "Welcome home, child."
Thunder rumbled in the sky, and we hastily headed indoors. Emmett was waiting in the foyer. He grabbed Bella and swung her around, kissing her loudly on the head. "Hey squirt! I missed you!" he crowed happily.
She squealed and laughed and he set her back on her feet.
"Tried any bear yet?" he asked her, with a wide grin.
"No, I've been saving them all for you," she teased.
"Ah, finally, I get a nice sister!" he joked.
Rosalie stepped forward next and gave a cautious grin. "Bella," she said, simply. The tone of her voice said everything – apology, regret, and acceptance. Bella smiled back hesitantly, reaching out to take Rosalie's hands in her own and grasping them tightly for a moment.
Jasper was waiting in the living room, his thoughts a jumble of excitement and hesitation. He had always been very cautious with Bella when she was human, keeping his distance to avoid the temptation of her blood. Now that he could get to know her better, he was excited but also hesitant in case his scarred skin frightened her. His worries were unnecessary, I knew. Bella walked up to him slowly and hugged him. "Jasper," she whispered. "How have you been?"
Our eyes met over her head as he sunk into her embrace.
"Good, Bella," he lied. The emotional tone in this house had been almost solid mourning since we… no I… left her. Some of us were coping better than others, but there was a definite Bella-shaped hole in our family. Jasper felt it more keenly than the rest of us because his own feelings were echoed and amplified in us all.
"We've missed you," he stated simply.
Bella wrung her hands and stared at the floor. "I've missed you all very much," she whispered. "More than I can say. But I can't stay."
The room was silent but within the minds of my family, the cries of denial were deafening. But even so, they were as nothing compared to the anguished cry of my heart. I knew that I would gladly have given away any shred of a soul I might have possessed if she'd just say she would stay.
