Longish Chapter ; )

Chapter 2: Is this life?

The trip home, though brief and swift, was spent in utter silence.

It was in moments like these that I resented my "gift" entirely. I didn't want to feel what they felt. I didn't want to know how disappointed, how enraged and yet how truly feeble they felt. I could read the emotions plain enough on their face without the aid of my own abilities.

They were lost.

Because Jasper was lost. Gone. Forgotten.

I had long lost sight of the Swan girl, and yet her scent lingered around my head like some vivid dream. I had not even made contact with the human, but she seemed to cling to the very fibers of my being and the air around me. She was like a stunning perfume that hung in the atmosphere long after the first initial spray. A delectable and rousing scent that made it nearly impossible for me to not to think of how she would taste.

Edward growled lethally and swerved the car hard left as he registered my thoughts once more.

I frowned slightly and opted to focus my thoughts on my training during my newborn years, thinking only now and then on how my hunt could proceed. It would be difficult to execute a plan with both Edward and Alice monitoring my thoughts and future. Both would be on hyper alert as of now, always watching and waiting for my mind to take a dangerous turn. Decades of practice had allowed me to employ certain "blocks" from Edward's intrusive power, but it was nearly impossible to out smart Alice when it came to the question of one's future.

So how could I act? What could I do to create a feasible strategy that would result in my success?

She's innocent, she shouldn't have to suffer for your sick delusions and desires!

The small part of my mind that was screaming in protest was noting but a quiet voice in comparison to the demon within. The moral, ethically correct side of Jasper knew that what I desired was wrong and yet he was helpless to prevent the monster's thirst. It was impossible to resist, it was impossible to deny myself of the sweetest blood I had ever smelt in over one hundred years. And it was, without a doubt, the most tantalizing scent that had ever crossed my path and I would savor the taste of it until the blood ran cold.

…But it would destroy me.

Perhaps not immediately, but like a disease working slowly through my body, the guilt would eat through system and leave nothing but a dark whole where my heart was. I would be alone and isolated from the family that I had been with for decades… In ruining the girl, I would ruin myself.

"You will," Edward said quietly, pulling onto the long driveway of our hidden house. "When this girl is gone, the guilt and loathing left behind will destroy you."

I seethed quietly and tore my wrists from Emmett's grasp, slumping against the soft leather. Where had my sanity gone? I had never been as strong as the others, but I had never actively sought out a victim, a victim who had not harmed me in any way.

As quickly as the blow of reason had come, a blow of thirst fought back, forcing my thoughts back to memories of the smell and aroma of… her.

It was easier not give her an identity. For if I did, the moral half, the good half, of Jasper would resurface; stopping the monster taking what it wanted.

"Out," Edward said softly, turning the ignition off and sitting still in the driver's seat.

I was smart enough not to refuse him. Sane or not, I understood that Edward was one of the most compassionate in our family when it came to humans- Second only to Carlisle. Arguing with him or making a fuss now would only incense his anger later.

Emmett and Rosalie forwarded out of the car first, pausing slightly to ensure that I was following. I muffled the grunt that threatened to release itself and jumped lithely from the backseat, preparing myself to face the disappointment I knew would be evident in Esme and Carlisle's face when they found out about my unexpected change of heart.

"They know?" I asked quickly to a grief stricken Alice.

"Y..Yes, I called them immediately after I…"

I nodded silently, cutting off her explanation. Alice's pain was already excruciatingly acute without the harsh blow fresh memories provided. If there was one thing sharp enough to penetrate through the monster inside my heart, it was the fact that I was causing Alice pain. Too much pain. Though I refused to see that this Bella girl was innocent, I knew with great certainty that Alice did not deserve the anguish I was bestowing upon her. She was good, kind and compassionate- everything that I was presently not. While she disagreed strongly with my current views on a human's life, I knew that if I should ask, she would listen to my arguments and try to understand…

A thought occurred to me then before I'd had the chance to censor it.

Alice was the key. She was the one that I could use to reach my goal.

I halted my thoughts then and there before I could alert Edward to anything more. It would be difficult and risky to complete such a task, but I knew that -if given the time- I could complete my hunt with ease and precision.

I refused to let my subconscious decide on anything else, lest reveal my plan to Alice. It was challenging and somewhat irritating that I could not give more thought to such a delicate decision but I knew that if I contemplated the idea more, I was sure to give myself away.

Therefore I knew, but did not know. I thought, but did not think.

"Come on," Emmett said softly, gesturing for me to move inside the large foyer. "Mum and Dad are waiting…"

I turned and gave him a weak smile in an effort of reassurance. However, my face was so disfigured by the mask of the monster that my friendly expression soon twisted into a painful grimace. Emmett was usually such a carefree spirit that it cut me deeply to know that I had changed him so.

They'll all change, my mind added softly. If you go through with this, you'll lose them all… and yourself…

I shook my head roughly in an effort to rid myself of the internal chatter. I had lived the "good" life for years now and I had learnt nothing. What was the point? Who was I living for? I had nothing and no one to love but my family…

I was alone.

"Jasper, son."

Carlisle's voice was like a sharp knife cutting through my dark thoughts and ripping me back into reality. His face, though welcoming and warm, seemed worn at this moment, the equivalent to what I imagined a human would resemble without a years worth of sleep. The luminous beauty that seemed to accompany all vampires seemed faded and dull on his face…

He looked old.

"Father," I replied impassively, nodding once to acknowledge his greeting before turning to face Esme. "Mother, you look.."

'Good' certainly was not the correct word. Esme looked similar to Carlisle as she stood before me; tired, weary and slightly disheveled. I wondered vaguely how quickly it took for their once bright faces to fade into their current ones. As I glanced around my family I was immensely glad that no one in the room could feel my emotions in that moment. For surely if they could, they would recognize my indecisiveness and attempt to use it as leverage to try and dissuade my decisions about the Swan girl.

I was torn.

On one hand, I had never wanted anything in my life more than I had wanted this strangely alluring girl. But on the other, I had lived this life for so long that I had grown accustomed to it and was unsure of how to give it up.

"I suppose you understand why we are having this… discussion.." Carlisle asked uncomfortably, shifting on his feet and gesturing from me to sit down in the lounge room.

"I have an inkling," I replied haughtily, slumping between the leather cushions and crossing my legs. "You wish to deter my thoughts from the taking of an innocent life, do you not?"

"In a matter of word's, yes."

I nodded once more, pursing my lips slightly.

"She's just a innocent girl," Carlisle whispered, moving to sit beside me. "She's another human, another life. It is not your right to take that away from her, only God should wield the power over who lives and dies-"

"Oh please Carlisle!" I interrupted tersely, "God has nothing to do with this and you know it!"

"Even so," He continued, seemingly taken back by my words. "This girl should not have to die. Why is she different? What makes her an exception from the others!?"

"Everything dammit!" I fumed loudly, throwing the vase next to me across the room. "Do you think that I want it to be like this? That I want to become the monster, the hunter I was during my newborn years? I don't want to become this!"

"Then don't," Alice whimpered softly.

I recognized my own grief reflected in her dark pupils and felt a stab of pain ripple through my torso as I prepared to initialize phase one of my plan.

I know this is wrong… I thought quietly, halting Edward's no doubt meticulous analysis of my mind. I need help, if I'm to get through this I need to hunt…

"That's good Jasper," Edward spoke up, alerting our conversation to the rest of our family. "Admitting that you need help is the first step."

"This isn't an AA meeting Edward," I rebutted quickly, rolling my eyes. "This is a case of life or death not a severe alcoholism issue."

"The same rule's apply," Esme spoke up swiftly, sitting down at my left hand side. "This girl is your alcohol, she's an addiction that you need to give up."

I hated involving Esme so much in this issue. If there was one person that I struggled to lie to in this family, it was my mother figure. Her angelic features and honest goodness made it appear as if you were lying to an angel, rather than a hundred-and-something year old vampire.

"I know," I whispered quietly, slumping my head between my hands. "I don't want to be this person. I wish I could be stronger, I wish that I could be like you.."

It certainly wasn't a lie, but I knew within myself that it would be proven false. While I did know that I truly did wish to be stronger, a large majority of myself was simply to weak to find the sort of strength within myself that the others had found. It was easier to play the role of the "youngest" when it came to how long I had lived this lifestyle. Being the most inexperienced gave me leeway to a different sort of life. I could make mistakes, I could cause damage and I would be forgiven. But would I be forgiven for this?

Edward cleared his throat loudly, redirecting my attention to the conversation at hand. "I think that if we're to make any progress, Jasper should be at full strength and right of mind. We need to get him hunting immediately so that he can retain a healthy level of control as we discuss what needs to be done."

Carlisle nodded his agreement, communicating a silent word between himself and Edward.

"You do realize Jasper," Carlisle began, a tense mood settling over his form. "We really cannot let you hunt by yourself. It's not that we don't trust you…"

Huge lie.

"…We just need to take precautions. You may come across another human scent, or this Bella girl may be on a hike…"

I stifled the moan that threatened to fall from my mouth at that instant. What a treat that would be. How indescribably perfect a brief encounter with her would be whilst I was out on a hunt.

"Jasper, stop!" Edward snapped quickly, moving to stand quite a distance from me. "You need to stop thinking of her as if she's some sort of snack. Give her a family, give her dreams and ambitions. For God's sake- just recognize that she has a life!"

I recoiled back from his harsh words and swung my arms across my chest in a petulant manner. What did Edward know? He had never lived the type of life that I had. He had no idea how hard it was to go from drinking the wine of Gods, to drinking the dirt that lay beneath their feet.

"You know very well that I've tasted human blood before Jasper."

"Murderers and rapists," I scoffed lightly. "You've never even slept with a woman, let alone tasted one."

A surge of fury emanated through his body as he leapt lethally through the air, colliding with my chest and splitting the couch in two.

I laughed softly as I detangled myself from the pile of debris, brushing the remaining splinters from my clothes. "Oh bravo Edward," I applauded sarcastically. "Dismantle the furniture why don't you? And hey, while you're at it, why don't yo-"

"That's enough!" Carlisle interjected, silencing the immature argument. "Jasper, you are completely out of line here. Edward is trying to help! You need help, you have to hunt."

I nodded mutely, wishing to rid myself from the others almost immediately.

"If I am forbidden to go by myself," I began, ignoring the surge of impatience from Edward. "Then I would wish that Alice may accompany me."

I could sense the strong suspicion emitting from Edward as he rifled through my thoughts, searching for an alterative motive. I thought of nothing but the thirst in my throat, concentrating on the pain and the burn rather than what I knew what alleviate it. Upon finding nothing out of the norm, Edward returned to voicing every opinion that crossed his mind.

"I don't think it would be wise to send just Alice.." He began, disregarding Alice's pleas and interjections. "It would be sensible to send at least one other. If, as you say Carlisle, Jasper comes across a human scent, it is vital that we act in force to stop him. We don't want a repeat of what happened last time.."

A stab of pain rippled through my abdomen as Edward's words hit home. It had been more than a month since the hiker's death and yet I found it nearly impossible to forgive myself for the taking of his life. It was odd that I could feel so guilty about taking one life, yet totally disregard my plan to take another.

"I know you're sorry Jasper," Edward whispered, directing the conversation solely to me. "I know you want to forget what happened, but you can't. If anything, that incident should help you to see reason against committing another. Isabella Swan has done nothing, she is just the same as the hiker, a bystander- just a girl."

It was as if my conscience had been split in two. Half of it could see total reason in Edward's words, it understood right and wrong, death and life. But the other half, the more prominent half, did not comprehend the girl's innocence. It refused to see that she deserved life, it only knew of desire and reward.

I was listening to that half.

"Emmett," I whispered quickly, picking up from the forgotten conversation. "If you want someone else to join the hunt, send Emmett."

Once again, Edward searched my mind, attempting to understand why I would want the strongest of the family to accompany me. It was clear that I was not completely in my right mind and it seemed odd to him that I should suddenly request a man of strength.

"Think about it," I continued, sensing the hesitation in the room. "Emmett is the strongest out of all of us. If I come across any 'distractions' who's better to restrain me than him?"

Emmett's form flushed with pride as he took in my words. A second ripple of guilt shot through my body as I thought of how hurt he would be if he knew the real reason why I had invited him.

"Done," Carlisle said finally, nodding for Emmett to join us. "You, Emmett and Alice shall hunt. You are not to come within ten miles of any residential areas or hiking areas and you have until seven pm to return. Esme, Edward, Rosalie and myself will remain here and you are to contact us if any issues arise."

"You can trust me father, I won't let you down…"

Huge lie.

Carlisle nodded once, smiling with a soft happiness that did not reach his eyes.

"You have strength Jasper," He spoke quietly, "You just need to find it."

With his final words said, I staggered from the room and into the light rain of the mid afternoon light. It would be dusk soon. Another night, another day in my monotonous life complete. I walked swiftly through the open expanse of trees around me, making sure to keep my mind occupied whilst I was still in range of Edward's 'gift.'

Hunt, kill, drink. Corner, frighten, slay. Bite, slice, drain.

I repeated the same hunting techniques until we were deep into the dense forest, far from the town centre of Forks.

"I trust you," Alice whispered in all sincerity, taking my hand in hers and turning to face me.

"I know you do sis," I replied softly, removing my hand from her's and swinging it around her shoulder in a much more sibling manner. "I've just got to prove myself to the others."

I knew that Alice did not love me in a romantic way, but there were certain bends in her emotions, small sections which seemed to buzz and glow around me in the same way many school girls did. Trivial crushes and infatuations were a common occurrence in the dumb witted girls at school, but I found it quite unnerving to find similar emotions reflected in Alice's ora. She was a friend, a sister to me, nothing more. I had been in relationships before- if you could define what I had as 'relationship.' It was always physical, always with humans. I had never been in love and frankly, lately I had found myself doubting it's existence.

During my newborn years I had used women for only two things; Pleasure and sustenance. Or, as my many comrades liked to label it; sex and breakfast. I could barely recall my human ideals regarding women and as such, shaped my own based on experience and the relationships I found around me.

"How you holding up?" Emmett asked hoarsely, shaking the water content from his clothes and body. "Thirsty?"

"Just a little," I countered sardonically. "It's not often you come across a scent so appealing… It's a little hard to resist."

"I know," Emmett said simply, his face twisted into an ill-fitting serious expression.

I sighed quietly as I remembered Emmett's encounter with true torture. He had not put it off as long as I- He had taken her then and there, drunk from her until the body had grown still and lifeless.

And he had been forgiven.

"We should hunt," Alice interjected quickly, halting the unspoken moment that had passed between Emmett and I. "You're going to need to feed quite a substantial amount if you want to retain a sense of control."

I nodded once and prepared to commence phase two of my plan.

"There's some great grizzly caves a bit further down south if you wanted to check them out Em."

Emmett's eyes shone with excitement as Alice's emotions dropped into doubt. She knew that something was amiss and yet even Alice was too trusting to question my motives.

"We'll all go," She said promptly, stepping away from my embrace and standing beside Emmett. "Hell, I could do with some grizzly bear myself!"

"Wonderful," I replied slowly, smiling in a manner which would have been sure to frighten any human. Alice needed to hunt. If Alice was hunting, her mind would be distracted. If her mind was distracted, she would be less likely to have a vision of anything I were to decide on soon.

We ran through the forest swiftly, ripping through the trees like bullets in the evening light. My heart screamed in objection at the actions it knew I would perform, but my mind still belonged to the monster, and it was intent on completing my task quickly and diligently.

I found what I was searching for almost immediately. It was as if the universe wanted me to take the life of the girl. As if they were cheering me on in my plight of murder.

There they were. A herd of elk were grazing not two miles down from where the grizzlies were. Quite a distance for any human, but a short trip for one of us.

Emmett leapt gracefully towards the grizzlies without another glance back at me. That's why Emmett was the perfect for this. Though strong and powerful, he was easily distracted- especially when it came to the subject of hunting. Alice would be harder, but once immersed in a hunt, I knew that she would not spare me another thought until finished.

"You okay?" Alice asked softly, tugging slightly at my shirt. "I can still trust you right?"

My heart splintered at her words as I held back the frown that would give me away.

"Of course you can," I said earnestly, smiling with all the conviction I could muster. "I'm still me…"

Are you?

"…Go hunt," I whispered quietly. "I'm in the mood for elk."

Sweet, naïve Alice nodded without another word. It would destroy her when she found out that I had lied. Destroy and demolish her. I watched as she pranced lethally towards where Emmett fought against an irritable grizzly and joined into the action. There was something strangely elegant about the way Alice fought. Though she had the ability to cover the entire forest in blood, her precision and skill made it seem as if she were dancing rather than hunting.

And so my decision was made. It was up to fate now to determine what would happen.

I was running before I could make another seconds thought. Ripping the shirt from my body, I threw the item towards the herd of elk and strode faster through the trees. The shirt would work only for a minute, if that, but at least my scent would be slightly stronger than nothing at all. Now that my decision had been made, Alice would see. Not now, but eventually. When her focus had returned she would see. But what would she do? Would they come after me, or would they leave? Either way, I knew that time was not on my side.

I knew where I was going, everyone in Forks new where Police Chief Swan lived. I knew that I would arrive any minute, but my stomach curled in anxious knots; a mixture of both excitement and pre-meditated murderous guilt.

It wasn't long before I reached the area in the forest where the trees began to thin. It signaled my approach to the small area of suburbia. The area where I would end two lives; her's and mine.

The small white house was found with little trouble, it was the same one that the chief had lived in for years. I could smell the girl from where I stood and the scent left my senses completely stunned. How was it that one person could hold such appeal?

The final ray's of sunlight disappeared beneath the horizon, a dark blanket covering the sky and hiding my movements from unwanted eyes. It seemed impossible that my plan had worked the way I was hoping and I floated towards the Swan residence with a euphoric high. I was getting what I had wanted.

I had won.

A large, 1953 Chevy pickup took-up a large majority of the street and I wondered absentmindedly who in their right mind would drive such a tank. There were no cars in the drive and I could hear no approaching traffic within a mile's radius.

"Perfect…" I whispered quietly, swaggering towards the front porch with a sick smile plastered on my face.

The front door, though clearly the most appropriate entrance, seemed too risky for my taste. There had to be a less intrusive way to reach the girl, perhaps a window or balcony?

She would come to you, my thoughts reminded me immediately. You can be very persuasive when you need to be…

As appealing as the thought was, I could not risk us being sighted or hindered by another. No. This needed to happen inside, away from the prying eyes of others.

A slow beat of jazz floated effortlessly through the house, redirecting my attention to the blood inside. The brassy tunes of a soft saxophone tune resonated from an upstairs window and I found myself momentarily stunned by not only the call of the girl's blood, but by her unique taste in music. The tunes of John Coltrane continued to play as I swung fluidly into a large, oak tree beside the house, pulling myself in level to the window where the music flooded from…

…It was in this instant that I first truly saw Isabella Swan.

And in that very same moment, my entire universe shifted.

Please don't kill me, I promise I won't do it again next chapter. The whole "talk/plan" thing took longer than I anticipated and I didn't want to start the moment where Jasper goes to Bella without finishing it- So I am leaving it all to the next chapter!

Thank you very much for all your reviews, they were so wonderful to read after being away from FF for so long! I'm trying to hit 50 this time, so do what you can to help.

If you have any questions at all (which I'm sure plenty of you do) just ask and I'll answer as best I can. Just remember that Alice's vision isn't always spot on. In Midnight Sun she didn't even realize that Edward could have killed Bella until the day was over.

Thhaannkkss

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