Are Those For Me?
Chapter Two: In such a Gift Giving Mood
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy XII or the Rabanastran bazaar and cannot be held accountable for any deficiency in the items you have bought.
Thank you.
Note: This Chapter is meant to be 'Christmasy', but since its summer in Rabanastre 100% of the time, you just get the fuzzy feeling of gift giving, a Santa reference, and no celebration. Enjoy!
They say the rising sun gives you energy. The afternoon sun must be his angry crippled brother who tortures hume beings by putting a magnifying glass to his face. I'm hungry and tired and hot. Its humid, and sweaty, and pushy. It and I will only get worse as the day goes by. But nevertheless I trail off behind Vaan through The 15th Annual Big Bazaar Super Sale! The exclamation point is silent. Nothing good ever comes out of these Super Sales so there's a strict no refund rule. Why am I here? I'm skipping chores again! Yay!
No.
Do you know what I had to go through with Vaan yesterday when we got back? Migelo sponge bath. And Migelo toenail clipping for the added bullshit story. Now here I am doing it again. For the record, it was Vaan's idea to drag me out here. Why do I listen to that boy?
I was merrily working my afternoon shift in the shop protected from the 110 degrees world with 120 degrees wind chill(thank you ester sand) when Vaan drops by. Hey Vaan, what are you up to this lovely evening? Not much Penela, would you care to join me in my doings? Why Vaan, I'm working as of now. Oh Penela, you sweet naive little thing *sweeps off feet and carries outside* Look at what you're missing! The world awaits! Oh Vaan, anything for you!
End of dream sequence.
It might have happened a little more differently, but I can't contemplate those things now.
Well..this is-this is just great! I cant..begin to, to-
"Yo, Pen, you find anything interesting?"
Pen!?
"Pen!?"
I went from Bhujerban beaner to a common writing utensil...
"Hey, do you think Fran will like this thing that Fran might like but I'll probably end up giving to Balthier?"
I scrambled to get near him, I mean this place was loaded today!
"Vaan, that's called a potholder. Basch will probably want that to go with his collection, haha!"
Eek! We're sharing a laugh! I must squeeze these few special moments for what they're worth, after all, it won't be long before Ashe will lure him in her love abyss of shattered dreams and leave him a broken shell of a man like she does to all brave heros who enter her lair. And there's no way I'm having sloppy seconds, so I'm going to have to beat and mangle whatever feelings I might still have for him out of me after her wrath.
*sigh*
I really need to get that out of my system.
"Hey, Pen, are you spacing out on me? Come on I really need your opinion."
"Well how bout it?" said a creepy salesman guy to Vaan, "You getting it or not?"
Creepy-salesman-guy was trying to sell creepy two piece lingerie.
"Well, Pen, what do you think? really tight, huh?"
He said with a goofy smile.
"The top is an old bikini top and the bottom is a pair of tighty-whiteys. Now think for a moment."
Creepy-salesman speaks up, "Is new fashion line..from Viera's Secret."
"..It's a clever idea?" Vaan spoke cautiously...maybe I look really scary right now.
"Vaan! Hand-me-down underwear of any kind is repulsively gross and you should only gift-wrap them for your enemies!"
He looked rather somber so I changed topics, "Look...tell me again why we can't just give her the flowers?"
"Well I decided I wanted to get everyone something," his face lit up again and I regretted asking,"flowers are nothing compared to bazaar goods. You know what they say, one Bangaa's trash is that Hume's treasure and probably still trash for that Seeq."
First time I heard those words come out of a Hume's mouth. It's torture enough to be here, but in all seriousness; Vaan shouldn't be allowed to gain or spend currency of any kind. From my experiences, he can't even haggle. If someone had a dime for every time they ripped van off, well lets just say a sack of dimes wasn't all the fortunes they brought back home.
moments of endless torture later
"pen, these guys sell the products as interchangeable parts, so its cheap. What the customer should know is how to assemble it."
"And duct tape is the way to go?"
"Well, I
suppose cello-tape would be more subtle. Either way there is assembling needed to be done! And I am the one for it!"
"No. You assemble large pieces of furniture and puzzles. You DON'T assemble a microwave, Vaan, that's dangerous!"
"But Fran said she's never used conventional cooking methods before."
"Well its hard to switch over to new methods after witnessing the discovery of fire!"
"Geez, Penelo, why am I getting the vibe that you don't really want to do this?"
"Because I really don't."
Oh no. That wasn't part of my alibi. Even Vaan noticed cause he stopped dead on the road and turned to me with the saddest I-thought-you-were-my-best-friend face.
"Pen..I don't understand. Weren't you the one who said we should spend the day together? Just the two of us."
Crap! When he says it like that, you could see my intentions from space.
"How could I have been so stupid?"
"You weren't stupid Vaan-"
" This whole time i never thought to get YOU a gift!"
"What?"
"Gosh, I'm sorry, Pen. I should have known from the way you were eyeing that swiss army knife back there."
It said 51.5 different methods to stab and gut. You can't blame me for looking.
"To show how much I appreciate you coming today, I'll buy you anything from this stand."
Lets have a look-see at the inventory..hmm; teeth. Ok that came as a surprise. What wouldn't be a surprise is if they were from the salesman's own mouth. A horseshoe currently still attached to the horse's foot currently attached to nothing. Gross. Moving on, A wanted poster of Balthier. I should buy that later. He'll appreciate me taking his mug off the market. Wow, dead or alive, he really got himself into a pickle-
"Penelo, choose, quick! People are forming into a vertical order behind us."
I want to think he means a line, but that tips the possibility scale a little. I mean who would want this stuff?
"O-okay..I guess I'll have those teeth, maybe I could turn 'em into a necklace..er something. unno."
"That's disgusting Penelo, pick something else."
Well, I can easily choose that as the worst moment of my life. I got the Balthier poster cause I figured if I didn't it would end up in the wrong hands like Bagamanon or some other lizard whose wife slept with balthier. I mean, that's why Balthier gets into so much trouble right? I'm sure he's just compensating for his younger days since Cid wouldn't let him become a judge because the others had suspicions towards his sexuality and they don't let homosexicles be judges. Its all true, Larsa told me so. And nothing screams MAN more than bringing piracy across all seven skies with a six foot something kick ass Viera by your side. Now Fran, you know there's no question about her sexuality. Being raised in a community of women must have made her grow a hatred towards women, which is why she's always glued to Balthier's ass.
huh.
That's the weirdest thought I've ever had. It never goes this far, Vaan usually interrupts me.
I should walk a little closer to him, maybe he'll think that's weird and say something.
"Pen, it's a blazing 100 something degrees. Could you leave some breathing space?"
"Vaan!"
I said punching him really hard and doing my best fake laugh. Now say something clever so he doesn't think your mentally imbalanced.
"Prolly cause the dessert...not my fault."
Idiot!
"Geez, go breathe down someone else's back."
"Sorry."
Back up! Back up!
..Phew..now slowly inch back but SUBTLE this time.
Hmm I wonder If I look weird hovering over him like this from another point of view?
"Hey this is-OOF!"
*CRASH*
Oh, this is a little closer than I wanted to be... Ok, that's a lie this is exactly what i wanted
But I can't help it, I can't get up...I can.
But I don't want to.
"Penelo, what's up with you?" Vaan asked pushing 100+ pounds off. I roll over like a beached whale. Attractive.
"You're..being really weird. I think I know what's up."
He knows..he MUST know. What to say? DENY it! DENY it!
"Are you still mad? Is it cause I didn't let you have those teeth? the molar wasn't made of gold, its called years of neglect. And the seeq who bought them was very openly racist, I don't plan on talking to her again. I'll get you someone else's teeth! I saw a little boy go by, he must still have his baby teeth intact! Maybe he'll let me punch him in the jaw for a reasonable price?"
He didn't end up asking the kid, Vaan crawls into a ball at the first sign of confrontation.
But, at least for a moment, he was thinking about me.
"What?" he asks raising an eyebrow.
Wipe that smug look off your face, he's noticing.
"You must think I'm stupid, huh?"
"What? no I don't, Vaan. That was...thoughtful..I suppose."
"No it wasn't. You don't think anything I do is smart, brave, or even worth you're time."
"Vaan, where's all this coming from?"
"I mean, I thought you'd think it was neat how I found those flowers."
"I did think it was neat, Vaan. I just sometimes have trouble expressing myself..."
"Well you were pretty clear on how you felt about going to visit everyone."
"No, I wasn't."
Yes I was.
"You see!" I exclaim, "I wasn't being honest about how i really feel. I was actually excited about it..but I uh, didn't want to let that on cause, you know, bad juju haha."
Aw. His expression was such a Kodak moment. Sparkly anime eyes type thing.
"Really, so you really wanna go?"
"Mhmm."
Trying to say that without cringing was the first time I've ever put so much effort in something and failed.
"Well that's good, cause the flowers wilted and I really needed another reason to go."
That conniving little..!!
"I have it all planned out! hey Ashe, I saw something at the Bazaar and thought, 'wow, Ashe would love this!' Its perfect!"
"Huh, is that so? Well I'm simply elated."
"What? Why?"
"Elated means happy."
Ugh. To think he used me! he turned my feelings against me for her!!- I don't understand why I didn't just tell him. What am I afraid of? It's just Vaan. C'mon I'm on the clock here, just do it...Maybe I really do have issues expressing myself.
"So while you're still trying to express your inner emotions, is there anything else you want to clear up before we storm this places of every connectable part?"
Does he know, or is it a mere coincidence?
WAIT A SECOND.
I WANT him to know.
Its not, 'does he know or not?' Its 'does he know YET?'
"Nothing that I can immediately think of, haha. Is there anything you're hiding from me?"
I can't believe how hard it is for me to read my own feelings.
"Penelo, I'm extremely open about everything I do, especially to you! You're my best friend."
And there you have it. This officially gets booted up to worst moment of life. Upon having this realization I get branded with the scarlet letters; FZ. FRIEND ZONE. The way I started walking around after that, I might as well have been. I don't feel like I belong in public, but under a rock with the tiny slower cousins of Bangaa's.
But of course I don't crawl under a rock. I drag myself all over that dump for the sake of that backstabbing toyer-of-emotions.
OPERATION: TRICK VAAN INTO BUYING OFFENSIVE GIFTS
(should be fool-proof)
"Vaan, look at this cute novelty carrot! Wouldn't Fran look absolutely cute with this?"
I could get my eyes scratched out for this.
"I don't know, Pen, won't she be kind of, well, offended?"
Okay, I underestimated him.
"Uhm, don't be discouraged Vaan, we'll find something!"
We run up to the next stand that seems to be teeming with useless items like the hands of a clock, and last years calendars.
"Excuse me sir, out of your entire inventory, what would you suggest for a highly promiscuous friend of mine?"
"Penelo, what did you say to that shop-keep?"
"I only asked if he knew what noble men take a liking to. For Balthier, you know?"
I hope he finds..like..handcuffs or something.
Shop-keep-guy fumbles a little through his inventory and pulls out a small box.
"Oh. Uh. I-"
"What are these laxatives?" Says Vaan, creepin' over my shoulder, "Basch once told me he'd been having a little trouble letting out lately, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't asking for my help."
Seriously, Basch? That's you're idea of small-talk?
Anyways, I immediately said no thanks and ushered the salesman to put them away. Those were no laxatives. They were it which we don't speak of. el pill azul. Or that's what migelo calls them.
"R ju shoore? The limey salesman asks.
"Yes!"
"Well, I'll have 5!" Said a random, very naughty Seek.
Me and Vaan managed to avoid face-in-dirt as we were jeered and elbowed-in-the-gut out of the crowd who had gotten wind of what was being sold.
"It's sad that we don't have much green growing out here. Rabanastre's really clogged up I suppose. "
I only stare and sigh. If only you knew Vaan.
Ever since me and Vaan were little, Migelo
told us the "bad" stuff we shouldn't ponder about, like that four letter word and politicians.
Anyway, I don't feel like completing my mission now.
We continued searching for a while, then went no where, not before getting lost. Vaan stole some bread for us, then got in a fight with a Viera. Well it wasn't more of getting into a fight than it was Vaan getting beat up. He must have not known the unspoken law of battles: When your head is up to your opponent ass, you're not gonna win.
He goes by the law of: When her heel is over your throat, you realize this whole thing was a bad idea. So then I finally decided to try and cut the drama and just help him out. She said I could have my fiends life in exchange for the novelty carrot. What a strange world.
By the time it had gotten dark, we had gotten a single thing we thought would fit the agenda of each one of our friends. Nothing of quality. At least one of us thought so.
We got Fran orange hair dye. To compensate for and in memory of Novelty Carrot, who is no longer with us. Besides, being a ginger is better than..maybe in par with..grey hairs. I'm beginning to think platinum hair dye would have been the wiser decision. For Basch, a happy bundle of potholders. We decided if it didn't make him laugh, it would make him cry. Which is what all the other gift suggestions we found would do. Balthier is getting chocobo cufflinks (which would have made a pretty decent gift if crashing his fifth birthday party was our intention.) so that he'll think of us every time he fixes his cuffs, which is always. Vaan was so happy to have come up with that little phrase that I didn't feel the need to mention Balthier will never wear them. (Although if that homosexuality theory holds true, he just might.) The lady skank herself will have a cowboy hat. So now she can go from uptown hooker to Texas swinger. Vaan even payed double because the limey salesman claimed to have stolen it from Irvine Kinneas himself.
Ah. Today's plan kind of went as planned after all. I just wished Ashe's gift was a little crappier. I made sure it wasn't, or I'd give myself away. I know, I know. Operation was a failure, but you should have seen him begging me to find something. And you know how in the dark he is about these things. But hey, I did get to spend the whole day with Vaan! The sun is setting in the sky! Orphans, say goodbye!
We're heading home finally with all of our junk. No one's saying anything, cause I'm in my own little world soaking up all of today's events. It was perfect. We walk by a store window and I see our reflection pass so silently, we're so perfect together, anybody watching us would think so. Why can't he just see already!
"You know, Penelo, I think we should ask balthier if he likes these cufflinks before we tell him they're his. That way, we can we can save ourselves a little humiliation."
Save? a little? OURSELVES? Thank you Vaan, here's the award for understatement of the year.
"Vaan, what are you talking about, he'll love them. And, I mean, if you're embarrassed to give them, i will. See, problem solved."
Problem not solved. He stops abruptly, as if he's actually thinking of going back and returning them. He must not know of the policy.
"Look, Penelo, I know when you're hiding something. I can read you like a picture book."
Why couldn't he have just said book? Wait now, this is Vaan we're talking about.
No.
I must stop using his lack of thought process as an excuse. Face it, he's ready to say it! He's opening his mouth.
"You don't like them. You don't have to spare me. You haven't before."
Fine.
"Okay, I don't think they'd make a good gift, I don't think anything we bought would make a good gift for anyone, not even your worst enemy, but I'm pretty sure you already knew that seeing as you can practically read my mind."
"Ouch."
"Sorry."
"..."
"I'm sorry."
"I can't read your mind. I Just know when you think I don't know about something, Pen. You give subtle hints, are you even aware of it?"
"What?"
WHAT? When have I given subtle hints? Is it the tone of my voice? No, its when I slur my words isn't it? Think back! This is madness, it must be stopped!
"Vaan!" I start yanking him by his little vest.
"Tell me what you know" I keep yelling.
"What a drugged up bitch"
think some staring passerbys.
He keeps laughing me off. He must know.
"Not funny, Vaan. I'm serious."
"Pen, I thought you knew I knew?"
No, it was better when you were laughing! Why are you staring me down now?
Oh man, how do I explain?
I hate ashe because she pretends she's not whoring herself around? I don't want to leave Rabanastre because I'll lose you? I came here today to drain all the time with you i can, not cause I was feeling charitable? I think everything in today's suck fest belongs in a bag of trash so I purposely chose the ones that belong at the very bottom? I actually like the potholders and might keep one.
No. That would be telling the truth, and i just can't risk it.
So after i blubber and stutter for the most embarrassing minute of my life (Friend Zone mishap still holds first place) I 'dropped my shit and ran'.
I zipped away like in the cartoons while Vaan coughed in a confuse-ed fashion in the cloud of smoke surrounding him.
I just realized I pick up bad habits from Vaan, like fear of confrontation.
SO. Here I am running. Why? Because Vaan could have meant anything when he said, "thot u noo taht eye noo?" I could have used my brain to decipher all possibilities and process words, but like my friends downtown, I let my legs do the talking. Mhmm.
...
Now even Vaan must think I'm drugged up. I mean how creepy was that? I'll tell ya. It couldn't have been more creepier if I was a paraplegic.
The dirty Sewers
Euphoria of mice nests
In the poop sewers
I thought of a brilliant Haiku as I sat in the middle step of the stairs leading to the sewers.
I checked, it was definitely the middle.
Well.
I should get going, maybe sleep in the shop today.
"Penelo!"
Aaand sit back down.
"Are you here?"
"Nooo."
I faintly replied.
I had to, he's Vaan. Sooner or later after playing a round of Marco Polo, Vaan spotted me in the darkness.
"Penelo, what are you doing? This is dangerous! What compelled you to run off like that? cause I know what Viagra is? Guess what I know who George Clooney is too!"
He wouldn't know if George Clooney wasn't a celebrity as well, even though we're forbidden to watch his movies, yet I caught migelo watching a bootlegged version of Up In the Air alone the other night.
"Did you know why shop keep guy offered us los pills azul?" I asked looking down at my knees.
"Cause he's a pervert?"
True, but I still told Vaan I openly hated all the gifts, yet bought them anyhow. He must know I'm evil by now.
"But the stuff we bought. I didn't mean that I hated them, its just...to be honest none of them make good gifts, you might even say they're offensive. I'm sorry I made you buy them."
"Pen, you've been preaching that all day. It's ok if you don't know how to express what you really feel about them. You told me about that remember? So its ok, I understand."
He winks at me. Eugh.
Same old Vaan. Never lives up to my expectations. That's a flaw I'll learn to love, cause if I don't I'll end up murdering him for it one day. I didn't think I'd find anything in the world funny again after new worst moment of my life happened, but I can't resist Vaan's stupid expressions.
"Blyaaarg!"
Ugh, there goes migelo throwing his tantrum.
"What are you kids doing back so late!? I told you, if you don't return here by the AM I've already assumed you joined the "people of this hour" and disowned you! You've cut it pretty close! Now I expect this behavior from you Vaan, but not you Penelo."
"Wait, you expect this from me?"
"Boy I've heard some of the things you've done for bread."
"Hey! I'm a carbohydrate kind of guy!"
He has no shame.
"Migelo, we've had a long day gift shopping, remember, we're going to visit everyone soon," Vaan tries to argue.
"You will do no such thing!"
"Migelo's right lets blow it off," I agreed.
"No way, Migelo, you can't run our lives! Penelo, don't feel intimidated! Speak up for yourself."
"As long as I'm your legal guardian, I will run you're lives. You kids have been skipping chores, coming in late. Your comrades are ruling lands, if they ever had time for your cute little get together, they'd inform you themselves. Now, both of you go to your room, and remember as long as your beds are separated, moogles wont come at night to use your room as a fecal matter disposal. Sweet dreams, and not another word!"
Vaan was really upset, but there was some truth in what migelo had to say. I tried to use that to convince him this was a bad idea, but he kept sulking, crawled up into a ball under his sheets.
Is it wrong for me to convince him to do otherwise? I mean it's only gonna make him depressed about it all, and I don't want to be the cause of that. I guess
I have to cheer him up now. I can't seem like the harbinger of bad news so i must agree with whatever he has to say.
"Vaan. Please, talk to me? What's on your mind?"
He doesn't respond, but gets up, throws our sack of gifts over his shoulder, and lifts open the window. I didn't know what he was doing but I didn't take it seriously until he dumped the sack outside.
"Vaan? Don't take it out on the potholders, they've done no wrong."
Okay, I so it really got serious after Vaan followed the gifts down the window.
After hearing a thud I say, "Vaan are you out of you're mind?" rushing to poke my head out the window
"Look, I'm not letting Migelo stop me, just don't tell him, I'm counting on you okay?" he yells picking himself off the street.
At least he doesn't want me to partake in his stupid plan. I can still convince him out of it.
"You're a fool to think you can make it on your own!"
"It's too dangerous Penelo, I'd rather not put you in danger."
What!?
"No, its not like that!" I yell back. I'm rather confused.
"Look, If you really want to come I won't stop you, just...be prepared"
I can't believe migelo hadn't woken up and knocked the ceiling with the end of a broomstick to scare us to be quiet and sleep, he still thinks he's fooled us into
thinking that a crazy Urutan-Yensa roams our house at night and stares at you while you sleep. Didn't Help Vaans's bed-wetting back then doesn't help it now.
"Fine, Vaan," I said, making the two story jump into the bushes and not on the gravel like Vaan had, " We could just use the airline and get Kytes to cover for us."
"Well...sure we can do that! But whose to say Kytes is gonna cover for us?"
"You're wondering why you didn't think of that?"
"Aw, you know I need you, P!"
I'm Urine now!
And that's how me and Vaan ended up sneaking off at hours of the night to begin our journey around back to come up with a plan, and back in the house to get Kytes, and finally off to the aerodrome all before Migelo can say, "CHILDREEEN!"
Thus concludes the second addition to my little tale. Hope you enjoyed and happy Holidays!
