'Salutations, Dean! I'll be out tonight with a lady friend, and am hoping not to be back too early, if you catch my drift. Don't wait up. – Garth'
Dean scoffed as he ripped the pink post-it note off the back of their dorm room door, shaking his head in amusement and chucking it half-heartedly at the bin. It missed by an inch and Dean scowled. He hated when he was having a bad day – or a bad week – he seemed to notice the horrible in the little things, in the missed shots and the missing pens. And now he didn't even have Garth to keep him company tonight – on a Monday night of all nights – and he had forgotten to remind him not to say 'You've been Garth'd' to any 'lady friend'. The last time he said it, Dean walked in to find their room covered in embarrassing photos of Garth.
He kind of missed drawing moustaches on them, though.
Dean didn't have any more classes for the rest of the day, and he slumped on his bed, feeling tired as hell. He had promised that he would go and meet Charlie and Gabriel for coffee though, and it's not like he could afford to piss any more friends off. He rubbed his hand over his face warily, steeling himself. He hadn't talked to Charlie since Saturday night, and fuck if Charlie didn't notice him acting all shifty after his talk with Cas.
When Dean got to the campus cafe – after getting a candy bar for Gabriel from one of the vending machines as a 'hey man, sorry I've ignored all your calls' gift – Charlie and Gabriel were already sitting there, Charlie with her laptop by her side and Gabriel licking whipped cream from the top of his ice chocolate. Smiling in the predictability of it all, Dean approached them.
"Dean!" Gabriel exclaimed, extending his arms out on either side of him. "Nice to see you. I thought you were stuck in an alternate universe or something."
"Yeah, yeah, can it, Gabriel." He chucked a candy bar at him. "Here, to shut you up."
"Oh, hells yeah," Gabriel said enthusiastically, catching it in mid-air. "Aw, you remembered. I'm touched."
Dean looked at him with a disgruntled look on his face. "Uh, yeah of course I remember, you dick. Remember that time you wouldn't stop poking me unless I bought one for you?"
Gabriel smiled and shrugged. "I was out of change that day."
Dean rolled his eyes up, thinking he kind of remembered why he could only handle Gabriel in small doses. They weren't exactly best friends or anything, but Gabriel was handy in sticky situations and he and Dean had worked together on something before, once.
"Charlie," Dean said, turning towards the redhead. "Are you going to acknowledge that I'm here?"
"No," Charlie said, not removing her eyes from the screen.
"Awesome," Dean said, shaking his head again. "Right, so, what was the point of this little get together?"
"Uh, do I need an excuse to see you, Dean?" Gabriel said, going back to his whipped cream. "I could hardly remember what your ugly mug even looked like."
"Yeah, right," Dean said, scoffing. "I have the face of a god."
"That's my Dean," Gabriel said. "Modest, as always."
"I'm not yours," Dean said.
"Dean has a new love interest," Charlie said. She closed her laptop decisively, and finally turned towards him and Gabriel. "His name is Castiel, he has blue eyes, and he's a Scorpio."
"A new –" Dean spluttered. "What?"
Charlie laughed. "Dean, just don't. I saw you come in after Cas, and I also saw your search history. You searched for 'Castiel' in the student directory."
"You saw my what?"
"I said I saw your search history." Charlie smirked. "Don't worry, I won't say anything about your frequent visits to you know what."
Dean smirked back. "I don't know what you're talking about, Charlie."
Charlie tightened her mouth and looked away. "Don't make me say it, Dean."
Gabriel started laughing. "So, porn then. And Castiel? Castiel Novak?"
"I just wanted to know his last name," Dean said, protesting. "Guy's an enigma, okay."
Charlie tilted her head. "Not really, Dean. Didn't I just tell you he's a Scorpio? Just so you know, according to star signs you're totally incompatible to him. But that's okay, I still really believe in you guys."
"What?" Dean said. "You told me I'd hate the guy."
"Oh, did I?" Charlie replied.
Dean groaned. "Oh, fuck you, Charlie."
Gabriel made a noise of protest then, grabbing some of his whipped cream and flicking Dean with it on the nose. "Everyone, Gabriel is trying to speak here. Castiel Novak?"
"Yes!"
"Well then," Gabriel said, leaning back with a triumphant look on his face. "I know him."
"What are you –" Charlie started to say, and then, "so do I, Gabriel."
"Want an award, huh, Gabe?" Dean grumbled.
"Aw, you called me Gabe," Gabriel said. "But no. I mean, I know him."
Dean studied Gabriel for a few extra seconds, taking in the smug, self-satisfied look on his face and promptly contorted his face into disgust. "No."
"You better believe it, Dean-o," Gabriel said, throwing a casual grin at Dean's way. "He went to my high school. We were best friends in middle school, but then he started hating me. I guess it all came to a head on one beautiful, beautiful dusky evening in senior year. It was kind of dark, he passed me a cigarette, and I –"
"No one wants to hear about your past lovers trysts," Dean said, miming throwing up.
"No, no, this could be good!" Charlie said. At some point of the conversation she had opened her laptop again and was now typing in it with a determined flair. "We now have more information on Cas!"
"I thought we have enough," Dean pointed it. "He's a Scorpio, remember."
Charlie gave Dean a frown. "Stop making fun of me. Anyway, you and Cas. Let's do this shit."
"Let's do this –" Dean said, "come on, Charlie, what are you in, a bad 90's movie? Should I bet expecting a fade out? Anyway, what are you writing?"
"Nothing," Charlie said nonchalantly. "Hey, Gabe – is Cas a bottom or a top?"
"What the fuck –"
"Not sure," Gabe said, opening the candy bar. "Didn't get that far. But you know, me and Cas are still buddies. I can totally swing this if you want. Count it as a favour, Dean."
"Fuck, I don't even like the guy," Dean said, although admittedly he didn't sound all that convincing, even to his own ears. "And he doesn't like me either. In fact, he acted like I was a bug that irritates the shit out of him. He threw me against the wall."
"He threw you against the –" Gabriel whistled. "Wow. He likes you, Dean-o."
Dean narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"Cas is a little bit emotionally constipated," Gabriel said between bites. "Don't blame him either, with that family of his."
This made Dean's breath skip a bit, suddenly reminded of why exactly Cas threw him against the wall. "Family. I mentioned family."
Gabriel frowned. "Bad move. Cas's family are a bunch of dicks."
Charlie hummed under her breath in contentment and Dean couldn't take it any longer. He reached over to peek at what she was writing, and groaned. "What are you, Charlie, our personal secretary? Recording this conversation? Really?"
Charlie just grinned. "Hey, it's all fair game for inspiration. Hey, Dean. Forget something?"
She pointed at her coffee, and Dean realised that he had been so caught up in the thought of Castiel that he forgot to order his own. Shit.
Dean didn't usually go to the library on a Monday night, but he damn well couldn't concentrate back at his dorm. He liked to have someone nearby, someone to just talk to when he was taking a break – and he needed breaks goddamn – and since Garth wasn't home, he just wanted some human interaction. No matter how much Dean told himself he was better off alone, without someone just there, everything felt so lonely. He took a deep breath at that thought, ridding himself of it.
The quietness enveloped him as he walked in the doors. There were people milling about, keeping each other's distance. It wasn't the campus library, 'cause Dean just felt like unfamiliarity, thinking it would propel him out of his funk. Dean was always looking for something new, different, so he wouldn't have to choke on the steadiness of a routine.
"Do you need some assistance opening a book?"
Dean recognised that voice, the deep grumble that told him 'I'll see you, Dean' and Dean felt anticipation from the memory. He turned around, and saw Castiel, Cas, standing behind Dean's shoulders next to a trolley of books waiting to be shelved. Cas looked expectantly at Dean, his face blank and waiting.
"Yeah, would you?" Dean replied, handing him a book he randomly picked off the trolley. "Some of those damn spines are really hard to crack."
Castiel looked down at the book. "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret," he read from the cover. He looked up at Dean, and Dean could fucking see the mirth in his eyes.
"I identify with her plight," Dean said, indignantly.
"Yes, I am sure," Cas replied, opening the book to the first page. "Would you also like some help reading from it?"
"Hey, Cas," Dean said, reaching for the book, "I might not be able to open a book, but I can damn sure read. Who do you take me for?"
Cas made a soft noise. "I volunteer here on Monday and Tuesday nights."
Dean scoffed. "I didn't ask, Cas."
"I know." The but you still wanted to know went left unsaid, and Dean hated that he was so obvious.
"So, why do you volunteer?" Dean asked. "Got some karma thing going on?"
"I just like it," Cas said. "Methodical. I know what I'm doing. I feel a sense of achievement. And it helps me think."
Dean considered this. "Kind of like when I work on my baby, then."
Cas looked at Dean. "That could be comparable."
Dean grinned. "You want some help?"
Cas looked surprised for a second, as if he couldn't believe that someone was wanting to help him shelve books on a Monday night – and Dean could hardly believe himself either – but he nodded. "Sure, Dean. That'd be nice."
"Awesome," Dean said, standing up. He decided to shrug his leather jacket off, even though he was damn attached to the thing. It fit perfectly, and its worn look had been his Dad's fault. And he was glad that it was.
Dean scanned the spines and grabbed some of them, realising they were shelving the Young Adult section. Why their college even needed a Young Adult section, Dean didn't know – he could do without the books advertising some supernatural boy and some human girl falling in love with each other. But, whatever floated people's boats, he guessed.
"So, you read?" Dean asked. And then he always kicked himself. Do you read. Fuck, that was the most idiotic question that had ever exited his mouth, and this coming from the guy that once asked 'Why do we have noses?'
Cas snorted. "I read."
"Oh...kay," Dean said. God, it was hard to keep a conversation with this guy. Dean just wanted to talk, he wanted to talk to Cas, to hear him speak, to hear him say things about things which Dean may not understand at all, but it would be important, it would all be important, because it would be from Cas. Dean felt like every word Cas said was important, but it was like pulling teeth to get anything out of him.
"I really don't understand the importance of conversation right now, Dean," Castiel said, slotting a book into its place.
Dean felt a twinge of hurt, but he laughed it off. "I just like it," he said, repeating what Cas said earlier.
Cas made a soft noise. "Or maybe you just like me."
Dean kind of flailed in response, stopping mid-action as he was putting another book on the shelf. He chuckled nervously. "Being a bit forward there, Cas."
"No, Dean," Cas said. He stopped shelving and turned to Dean, and Dean swallowed before turning towards Cas. "Do you think I wouldn't have noticed?"
"Noticed...noticed what?" Dean said. "Yeah, I've been friendly to you, Cas, but whatever man, I'm friendly to everyone," – liar – "so you know."
"So you mean," Cas said, getting closer. His lips were a few inches from Dean's, Castiel pressing into Dean. Dean was painfully aware of everywhere of Cas that touched Dean, everywhere where they blended together to become Cas and Dean, Cas and Dean, and he stopped breathing for a second, wondering what the fuck Castiel was up to. If he wasn't going to just kiss Dean, then he should have no freaking business right here, right now, in this place. "This isn't affecting you at all?"
Dean tried to muster up a snort. "Of course it is, Cas. I'm only human you know."
"Mhm," Castiel said. His blue eyes moved down to Dean's lips, and then Cas stepped back. No. "Gabriel told me."
Gabriel, you fucker, Dean thought. He was never buying Gabriel another freaking candy bar again. Not ever.
"Whatever Gabriel told you, Cas, it probably wasn't true," Dean said, "you know Gabriel. He's never serious. Come on."
"He seemed serious enough," Cas said. "And I know Gabriel. Very well."
A tinge of jealously twitched through Dean then, making him curl his hands into loose fists, nails scratching at his palm. Get to know me, Dean wanted to say, and Dean should have, could have, would have in another time and if Cas was another person. Dean usually did say things like that, and worse, and he didn't know why he couldn't bring them to say it to Cas.
"Yeah, I heard all about you and Gabriel," Dean said, trying to play it off like it was nothing. "Senior year sweethearts, right? Did he bring you home after the prom –"
"Shut up, Dean," Cas said. Dean saw Cas frown then, eyebrows knitted together. "Didn't I already tell you not to talk about things you don't know about?"
He's speaking to me like a child, Dean thought. "And hasn't anyone ever told you not to be so patronising?" Dean said, scoffing. "Seriously, Cas. You're not gonna get any friends that way."
"I know," Cas said.
Dean realised then that he had hit a nerve, god damn again, same as when he had brought up family. Friends seemed to be another topic for Cas. Hell, just other people tended to rile Cas up. Dean wondered then about Cas, about his background, and Dean's imagination was rolling with possible explanations. It was pathetic really, when all Dean really had to do was ask. But Dean didn't want to do that – Dean wanted to get to know Cas in that novel way, where the author reveals things about the character bit by bit, through actions and scenes and dialogue. He doesn't want it to be all told to him, like a fact sheet. So he won't ask Gabriel, and he won't ask Cas. He will let it all unravel.
Cas had turned away then, back to the shelving, and Dean rubbed the back of his neck. What now what now what now.
"Okay, Cas, so look I'm really shit at this whole emotions thing, okay?" Dean started, and paused so he could consider how awkward that sounded. He soldiered on though, because that's what Dean did – soldier the fuck on. "And it's not that I like you, but I think I could like you, and I want to okay? I want to like you."
Dean felt like punching himself in the face after that.
"I don't think that would be such a good idea," Castiel said, slowly, after some deliberation. He didn't pause on his shelving once.
Dean felt the sting of rejection. "Why?" He smirked. "Do you not find me visually appealing?" He said this in a kind of light-hearted mockery of how Cas spoke, but Cas didn't even smile.
"I don't want to get close to people, Dean," Cas said. He still hadn't stopped.
Turn around, goddamnit, Dean said. He wanted to see Cas's eyes, the blue.
"I'm not asking you for your hand in marriage, Cas," Dean said, chuckling. "Calm down. I'm asking you to like, you know. Hang, or whatever."
"I can't," Castiel said, "hang."
Dean started nodding with his lips pursed. "No, okay, I get it, Cas. Sure. But two can play at this game, alright? You said you can tell you affect me, right? But you know what, Cas? I can tell I affect you too." He stepped closer to Castiel then, putting a hand on Cas's hand, stopping him from putting the book in. Cas turned around then, and then Dean got to see them, the blue and they were filled with something Dean couldn't place.
"Why don't you want to get close to people," Dean said, voice in almost a growl, a whisper. It was question, but it wasn't said as one, because Dean knew he wouldn't be getting the answer.
"Dean," Cas said, and his voice just that voice, that did it for Dean, because Dean was closing the distance and covered Cas's mouth with his own.
It was awkward, at first, their bodies at an awkward angle and Cas's hand still on the book, but then Cas let go of the book and turned fully to Dean and Dean pressed more insistently on Cas's lips, and suddenly Cas was kissing back, their mouths moving tentatively together, Cas unsure at first but Dean sure, Dean definitely sure, because it felt so good, the sliding of the lips and the way he couldn't think of anything but this, but of Cas, and that was awesome.
And it couldn't have been more than a few seconds, maybe longer, definitely longer, but not long at all, before Cas pulled back. The kiss was not enough, Dean wanted to taste Castiel's mouth, to claim him but Cas didn't seem to feel the same and so. And so.
"Dean," Cas said.
"Dean what?" Dean said. "God, Cas. That was awesome and you know it, so let's just –"
"No, Dean. I can't." Cas turned away then.
Dean felt. Not anger, but just this indignant huff simmering. "You keep saying you can't, Cas, but why?"
"I don't know how to explain, Dean." Cas paused. "It would be better if you would leave me alone."
Dean felt like he just got slapped. "But fuck. I don't want to, Cas."
"I want you to, then," Cas said.
"No, you don't."
Cas looked at Dean then. "Do not tell me what I want, Dean."
Dean threw his arms up in the air. "Well then, don't tell me what to do!"
Cas pursed his lips together, and said nothing. He merely just grabbed the trolley the books were on, and walked away. He freaking just walked away, leaving Dean behind. Dean sensed this was starting to become a pattern, a pattern of Cas just doing whatever the hell he wants and Dean trying to make sense of it all.
Dean kicked a chair and all he could see in his head was Gabriel sucking on a lollipop then pointing it at Dean going, "You screwed up, kid."
"Well, screw you too, Gabriel," Dean muttered under his breath. "Screw you too."
A/N: Hi, guys! Thanks for the follows/favourites/reviews which you had kindly bestowed upon this story. Just to make it clear, I don't live in the USA, and I have no idea about their university system, or libraries. But, this is fanfiction, and in the world of fanfiction...
Also! I'm writing this on the day in which Tumblr exploded from everyone saying that 'Destiel has been confirmed canon' because of something Misha said at a meet and greet. The Destiel shippers need some happy and it's pretty cool, what Misha said. But he's a giant troll, so I don't know. Anyways, this can now be that day and also 'The Day My Dean and Cas Kissed!' So, as Dean would say, awesome.
Thanks – remember to review and all that, because that would be awesome, too.
