Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Sailor Moon or Dr. Phil. I used to have that crescent wand thing of Sailor Moon's though...I wish I knew where it was...
Notes:
Final exams are the bane of my existence. I hardly had any time to write in these past few weeks! Thank you for all the awesome reviews and alerts :D


Two

ICHIGO AND RENJIS UNDASTRUCTABLE LAIR OF AWSOME SHEENEEGAMI

Ichigo took a quick glance at the sign that was crudely tacked onto to the side of the tree house. He could hardly believe the pride of his thirteen-year-old self when he had nailed that thing on his own. Now it just looked utterly crooked against the wall with its rusty nails on the verge of coming loose.

As Ichigo took another step up the ladder, he was also beginning to doubt the 'indestructibility' of the fortress. The wood made creaky noises with each movement, thus causing him to flinch every few minutes. When did he get so much bigger? He was afraid that the next step would be the death of him (and if not death, then a broken arm at the very least).

Ichigo was finally able to swing himself over the last poking branch to slide in through the open entrance. He gently dropped the heavy bottle of vodka he had been holding onto, and watched as it slowly rolled towards a familiar looking hobo.

"What the hell…" He peered around at the empty bottles of beer cans that were already scattered across the grainy floorboards. He took several steps towards the snoring bum and kicked him in the shin. "Get up, lazy ass," he grunted in a terse tone.

Renji awoke with a jolt. He shot upright and clutched his chest with a hand. "Jesus Christ, you scared the crap out of me!" he cried out indignantly. The hood of his zip-up slid off to reveal long locks of red hair tied back with an elastic band. Renji grumbled some incoherent profanities before shifting into a comfortable sitting position. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.

"If people start throwing pennies at us because you look homeless, then you're going to have to find someone else who will tolerate you," Ichigo said dryly. He was dead serious, too.

Renji scratched the back of his neck, finally feeling the effects of the beer he had downed from before. "Shut up," he groaned, but he didn't have the will power to retort with a snappy come back. "How did you know where I was anyway?"

"I decided to invite myself to your house- since you didn't pick up your phone. I figured that you were up here moping or something. And I was right," Ichigo responded with an amused expression on his face. "Oh, and the trail of beer cans kind of helped too. Are you drunk already?"

Renji shot him a scowl. "No," he scoffed. His head slammed back against the wall dejectedly. The flush on his face immediately gave him away. "And what happened to you? You look like crap."

Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "This coming from the guy who has his Sailor Moon blankie from the fourth grade on his lap. Now that's a whole new level of 'looking like crap,'" he said as he gestured towards the throw over Renji's legs.

Renji quickly tossed the blanket off to the side. "No- there is literally shit on your pants. What were you doing, rolling around in dirt or something?" His face scrunched up. "And it's not Sailor Moon, it's Sailor Venus," he muttered as an afterthought. He finally decided to get up off the floor to resituate himself in a fold chair.

Ichigo looked down at his pants uneasily. Sure enough, there were several brown splotches that stained the jean fabric.

Ichigo Kurosaki was a dignified teenager. He did not venture out into empty fields to fall on his knees. He most definitely didn't lie down in fetal positions either.

And he certainly wouldn't drown himself in his own sorrows.

Often.

"I tripped," Ichigo said dismissively with a wave of his hand. He collapsed into one of the bean bag chairs, allowing his body weight to sink into the plush. "Orihime cheated on me," he finally managed to voice out. His arms dangled listlessly off the sides of the giant sack.

Renji furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief. "Did I just hear you correctly? Inoue cheated on you?" he exclaimed. "She hands out pastries in the morning to neighbours. She does not cheat."

"Well then I guess she's one hell of a good actress," Ichigo grumbled bitterly. "And the guy who she's seeing wears eyeliner. Eyeliner for fuck's sake! She chose a guy who's interested in makeup over me!"

"I can see why that would suck," Renji blinked. He made a big gesture with his arms. "Hey maybe he's her gay-best-friend-pet! I heard you could get one of those on the internet or something."

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "No, the guy wasn't gay, satanic maybe, but not gay. Their relationship was more like…Toshiro and Momo's."

Renji flinched. "Completely uncalled for and downright evil?"

"I was going to say non-platonic, but sure, that too." Ichigo took a deep breath and sighed. "I just- I just don't know what I did wrong."

Renji rubbed his chin. "Maybe it's 'cause your irises don't exude mysterious allure."

Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "I'm serious. I really liked- I mean, I still like her I guess..." he stared at the floor. He was starting to feel that dull ache in his stomach again.

"There are only two reasons why a girl would cheat. One, she didn't really care about you all that much in the first place, or two, you just really suck in bed," Renji held up his fingers.

His friend scowled at him. "You suck at making people feel better," Ichigo scoffed. He picked up the glass bottle on the floor and poured some of its contents into a plastic cup. Without hesitation, he quickly downed the liquid and tried to ignore the burning sensation in his throat. He promptly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Renji crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall. "Look, I'm sorry, but girls can be so damn confusing sometimes. One day, they'll be making googly eyes at you, and the next day, they'll have no qualms about ripping your heart out and viciously stomping on its remains. "

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "Did Momo even tell you that she liked you? Or was it all just a figment of 'Renji's Overly Active and Slightly Creepy Imagination?'"

The tall red head quickly jumped up from his seat, almost knocking the chair over. "She didn't have to say it because she told me that she trusted me more than anyone else in the whole goddamn world. Doesn't that mean something?" he exclaimed irritably.

Ichigo winced and scrunched his face. "Dude, that should've been your first warning- it means that you were friend-zoned, buddy."

Renji scowled. "Gee, you're no Dr. Phil either." He raised his hand to rub one eye. "Fuck. This sucks."

Ichigo was beginning to feel a buzz due to the couple of drinks he had had prior to his…excursion to the park. But he wasn't really in a state to care. He poured himself another shot of vodka and gulped it down. "You know what? I'm freaking sick of women thinking they can just do whatever they want and get all weepy about it if they don't get their way."

"'Cause it works?"

"Exactly! Do you see this ball and chain bullshit that we have to endure?" Ichigo cried out zealously. "We don't need women-"

Renji squinted. "Actually- I think women are required for the process of reproduc-"

"Fine- then I don't need a woman hanging off of me," he cut in. "Whining about how she wants chocolate. Every. Fucking. Minute. What the hell does that even mean?" Ichigo grasped at his hair with both hands exasperatedly.

Renji held his palms up. "Hey, if this is you coming out of the closet, then I'm perfectly okay with that but-"

"What? I'm not gay damn it!" Ichigo growled. "I just think that we should take a break from girls for a little while. At least until we've fully recovered from this grief that they've caused us."

Renji had his hand clasped around the bottle of vodka, and he would've dropped it too, if he hadn't been careful.

His mouth was gaped wide open. "And you accused me of being drunk already?"

- ※-

"Miss Kuchiki, we've arrived," the chauffeur said gently. He pulled open the door for her.

Rukia creased her eyebrows while stretching out her arms. An unintended yawn escaped her mouth as she blinked awake. She squinted at the blinding shaft of sunlight, mentally cursing the morning for all its early…morningness. The chauffeur was beginning to look impatient, so she quickly pulled herself up into a sitting position and stepped out of the car.

"Your luggage, Miss Kuchiki."

Rukia turned to face the man. She was still slightly groggy from her nap in the car. "Oh, thanks," she said softly as she reached over to grab the handles. Her daze hadn't lifted yet.

The chauffeur quickly put his hands over the bags. "Don't worry Miss, we'll carry all of your bags inside. Sir Byakuya is waiting for you." He began to pull her suitcases in the direction of the iron gate that loomed over them. She frowned, not exactly used to people doing such simple tasks for her. It felt a little insulting, but she knew that they didn't mean for it to seem that way.

Rukia didn't immediately follow the man. He was probably too preoccupied to care anyway. She needed a moment to fully take in her surroundings.

Even though she had lived in Karakura before, she wasn't familiar with this area at all. The houses on this road were grand and lavish. It was nothing like the streets of Inuzuri- a small district in the southern end of Karakura- where she had been raised.

Each rosebush was trimmed down with careful expertise.

Rukia took a couple steps forward, but she cautiously started to slow down before entering the courtyard. She brought a hand to her chest and clutched the fabric, gingerly digging her fingernails into her skin. A draft of wind breezed in from behind and pulled a few strands of hair out from her clipped up-do.

She didn't know if she felt ready to meet her brother yet.

Rukia didn't even know that she had a brother up until a few weeks ago, when two rich-looking men came knocking on the door of her orphanage back in Osaka. She hadn't exactly gotten a good night's sleep since then. It wasn't everyday that orphan kids found out about their long lost brothers. Or in this case, brother-in-laws.

Rukia had no idea that her older sister, Hisana, had been wedded to some rich businessman before the time of her death. It was a lot- maybe even too much- for Rukia to take in all at once. She should've been overjoyed that he wanted to adopt her, but all she felt was anxiety. She was the complete opposite of what this place represented. So admittedly, it was a little disheartening.

And even though they had provided her with fine clothing prior to the trip, she was still a street ruffian at heart. Byakuya would surely see through her attempted charade. What if he didn't accept her?

She finally sucked in a deep breath and continued to move towards the mansion. Each step was heavy, and almost reluctant.

Honestly, she thought the place looked like some sort of castle. Its architecture was elegant, complete with white pillars and tall windows. But as pretty as it was, there were obvious signs of old age on the framework. The foundation was beginning to crumble at the edges, and brown coloured vines braided up the walls.

"Miss Kuchiki?" the man had paused and was now staring at her from the entrance.

She shifted her attention to him and quickly scrambled to catch up. Rukia tried to suppress the panting that was now threatening to ruin her first impression. The chauffeur stuck a small, silver key in the door and twisted it. A faint click was heard before he slowly eased open the door.

Rukia almost stumbled over her two feet as she walked into the spacious foyer. A sparkling chandelier hung high above their heads. Its crystals threw rainbows on every surface. "Wow this place is…enormous," she breathed out. There must've been dozens of rooms that were probably left unoccupied.

She wondered how many people were living in this house anyway. No one had bothered to mention anything about roommates to her. But she realized that she wouldn't mind having someone she could tag along with until she settled in.

"I will begin to move your belongings into your room. Sir Byakuya is just in the kitchen."

She stared at him with a blank expression on her face.

"Oh, excuse me Miss. Just continue down this hallway and keep to the left, you won't miss it."

Rukia quietly thanked him and made her way through the corridor. The wooden floorboards were hot beneath her feet. Sunlight streamed in through the windows, warming her exposed shoulders. Once she reached the end of the hallway, she slowly peered in from behind the wall.

A handsome figure dressed in a suit was standing by the counter. He appeared to be staring at the plum blossoms hanging from a tree branch outside. His expression remained stolid.

Rukia nervously stepped out from the corner. "Hey!" she gave a tense wave, but she immediately wanted to slap herself after the too-casual greeting left her lips. "I mean- good afternoon sir!"

Byakuya Kuchiki turned around at the sound of her voice. Rukia thought that she saw his face falter for a second, but it quickly dissolved back into its unstirred countenance. "Rukia," he said her name firmly, as if he was testing it out. "Was your trip to Karakura up to your expectations? It was all we could arrange in such a short period of time."

She blinked. If she had any expectations at all, then they were definitely exceeded beyond her imagination. She still couldn't believe that this was going to be her home from now on. "Yes, sir. My trip was very comfortable. Thank you."

"Good. And I assume that you want a tour of the house right away, so I won't keep you for long." Rukia could only watch as he suddenly took a hold of her right hand and pressed something into it.

Rukia directed her puzzled look at the solid object in her palm.

It was a pink cell phone with a Chappy charm attached to it.

"Just in case you need something." Byakuya brought a fist to his lips and cleared his throat. "I um- someone told me that you liked Chappy the rabbit, but if pink-"

She felt her mouth spread into a wide smile. No one had been this sweet to her since- well, she hadn't been treated this nicely before at all. "I love it, thank you for everything, sir."

Byakuya only nodded. "Hanataro is in the foyer. He will assist you to your room."

Rukia quickly thanked him again before making her way towards the kitchen exit.

"Oh and-"

She halted abruptly by the door frame before turning her neck to face him again.

"-you don't have to address me with 'sir.' It's fine," he added curtly.

"Yes si- I mean, brother!" Rukia quickly sped around the corner before he could see the flush on her face.

It took her a whole ten minutes before she could find the foyer again.

Rukia muttered to herself as she finally spotted the familiar chandelier dangling from the ceiling. She knew she shouldn't have strayed off to look at that photo of Hisana.

"M-Miss Kuchiki?"

She lifted her gaze off the ground to look at the boy in front of her. This guy was a little on the short side, and his haircut eerily resembled her own- but he seemed kind enough.

"You must be Hanataro," she said with a smile on her face.

The boy was little jumpy and oddly nervous. "Yes, that's me. I'll escort you to your room Miss Kuchiki!" he said hastily.

Rukia blinked a couple of times. "That'd be great, thanks. And I don't mind if you call me Rukia."

"Are you sure Miss Kuchiki?" He drew his eyebrows together.

"Of course. I'd actually prefer it."

Rukia followed Hanataro up the spiral staircase and past all the fancy only-good-for-show rooms. He led her through a long hallway with many closed doors and closets. As they neared the end of the hall, he finally paused in front of one of the doors and pushed it open.

"Here it is," he piped up.

Rukia felt her breath hitch when she saw the sheer size of her room. It must've been three times bigger than the one back at the orphanage, and this time she didn't even have to share. One wall was dedicated to a large window that looked over the city skyline.

She was even more excited when she spotted the king sized bed. She didn't know what Byakuya did for a living, but he must've been really good at it.

"Sir Byakuya said that if the room is not to your liking, you can request a renovation…" Hanataro squeaked from behind.

Rukia was so busy admiring the furniture, she almost forgot that he was there. "Huh? No- it's perfect!"

Hanataro was able to conjure up a feeble smile. "I'll let Sir Byakuya know. Would you like to see the rest of the house Mi- Rukia?"

She contemplated this for a moment. Even if he did give her a tour of the entire mansion, she'd probably just forget everything by the end of it. Besides, she wanted to explore the place on her own anyway. Perhaps discover some secrets about her family. "Maybe you could show me around the house some other time. But I was wondering if you could…take me to Inuzuri for a bit instead. There's actually someone that I want to see."

An image of a boy with red hair flashed in her mind.

He hesitated to speak for a second. "Inuzuri? You don't want to go there! That's the southern district of Karakura!"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "So what?" she snapped a little too defensively. She inhaled sharply. "I mean- I used to live there before I was taken to Osaka." Her voice softened.

"But that's where all the thugs live- not that I'm saying you're a thug Rukia but- I mean- uh-" Hanataro started to take on a panicky tone. "I'm sorry, but I would have to ask Sir Byakuya for permission to drive you to…Inuzuri." He cringed at the word.

Rukia opened her mouth to protest, but she realized that an argument was the last thing she wanted to have with her brother's workers. She had to be on her best behaviour, at least for now. She plastered a wide smile on her face. "Oh you're right, what was I thinking? In fact, I still have all my luggage to unpack, I should probably get to that right away!" she chirped brightly.

Hanataro folded his hands together and took a couple steps backwards outside of her room. "There's a buzzer on your bedside table if you need anything." With that, he disappeared into the hallway.

As soon as his footsteps were faint, Rukia quietly made her way towards the bed and collapsed on the cushy mattress.

Well, the room was close to being perfect. Now all the bed needed were a couple of cute, stuffed animals and she'd be set.

She turned on her side let her cheek sink into a pillow. Never in a million years did she think she would end up living in some giant mansion. Just yesterday, she had been resting under a cobwebbed roof, listening to the drip of a broken tap. It seemed almost surreal that she was here now.

The nausea that she felt from earlier was beginning to creep back into her system, and it wasn't long before she dozed asleep again.

- ※-

A couple of hours later, Rukia awoke to the sound of a loud, beeping in her ears. She rubbed her eyes before reluctantly groping around her bed for the source of the sound. It turned out to be her new cell phone.

She squinted at the screen to see what it possibly could've been. There was no way that someone could've gotten her number already. She didn't even know her own number yet. A voice mail notification was blinking.

Out of curiosity, Rukia opened her mailbox and listened intently. There was a hum of static, so she figured that it was probably just a telemarketer. Then suddenly, weird gurgling voices were heard.

"Oooorihiiiime! You- you squeezed my heart into a bloody pulp, you know that? So now it's just a sad, melting pile of uhhmmm…mush and guts-"

She widened her eyes.

"Aghhh, but I love you, Orihime! I thought that what we had was special damn it! What happened to loving me in every life time? What about this life time? Or do you just say that to every guy you meet? Was our whole relationship a lie? ! That emo freak doesn't know you like I do! He'll suck you dry- " A pause. "-literally! Come baaaack to me-"

More incomprehensible wailing.

The message was cut off when he actually began to sing (in a terrible, off-key voice). Rukia kept the phone to her ear, a little shocked at what she had just heard. This boy was obviously drunk out of his mind, but she couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him, whoever he was.

She decided to call back, but after several rings, she was directed to his voice mail. Rukia tried to repress the giggles rising up her throat as she opened her mouth to speak.

"I hate to disappoint you but um...that heartfelt-" she stopped to think of an appropriate word, "-courtship that you just presented will probably never be heard by your girlfriend...Orihime, was it? 'Cause you dialed the wrong number. Sorry bud. Nice effort though, very uh- bold of you. But here's a tip- maybe you should consider buying her flowers instead. I think you have a better chance of attracting frogs if you ever try serenading again. But anyway, good luck! Go get 'em tiger!"

Rukia pressed the button to hang up. She didn't really expect an answer; she was just having a little fun after all.

She finally sat up on her bed and glanced at all of her bloated suitcases. A sigh blew out from her mouth as she trudged over to start taking her belongings out.

It was time to make this place feel like home.


Sooo I know this chapter was a little slow, but I hope to pick things up in the next one :)