"The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame."
Rod Steiger
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Derek flew out of O'Hare at 6:55 on Sunday evening. His mother and sister cooked a chicken dinner before he left. He and Desiree played Scrabble while Sarah and Fran worked in the kitchen. Desiree didn't enjoy cooking, and was happy to leave the chores to her mother and older sister. Derek was happy to be eating home cooked food. Left to his own, most of his meals came from the microwave.
The last few days of his vacation were untroubled. He painted his mother's front bedroom and put up a ceiling fan. He did some yard work and installed a remote starter in her car. Fran never questioned her son about Carl Buford, and Derek was grateful not to have to talk about it. While he struggled to come to terms with his past, he wasn't ready to discuss it with his family.
The flight into Richmond was almost two hours. After an hour's drive home, Derek was in bed before eleven. He wanted to get an early start in the morning.
Derek went to the gym for an hour before going into the BAU. Working out always helped him deal with stress. He was apprehensive about having to face Hotch. He knew they would have to discuss what happened in Chicago.
He arrived at the BAU office before eight, something that was rare for him. Before he could approach his supervisor, he found a memo on his desk. "See me in my office when you come in, A.H." Derek took a deep breath. He noticed he was a little sick to his stomach. Perhaps he wasn't as ready for this as he thought.
Aaron Hotchner saw him approach his open door. He put aside the file he was reading. "Come in, close the door." He motioned for Derek to take a seat. Hotch was quiet for several seconds before saying anything. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts. Derek felt a small wave of panic, wondering if he could really have this conversation.
"I want you to know that no one on the team, except for Gideon and I, knows about what happened to you. There was no reason for anyone to know," Hotch said evenly.
"Thank you," Derek said, breathing an involuntary sigh of relief.
Hotchner paused another long moment before speaking again. "Do you know anything about me? Where I come from?"
"Excuse me?" Derek replied cautiously, wondering where the conversation was headed.
"What do you know about my background?" Hotch leaned back in his chair, looking at Derek.
"I, uh," Derek hesitated, "figured you come from money. You've said your father was a lawyer. Hell, Hotch, you graduated Harvard Law. Why?" He was uncomfortable and wished his boss would get to the point.
"My family," Hotch began very slowly, "is one of the oldest in Virginia. My father was a much respected attorney. Used to play golf with the Vice-President. He was considering a run for the Senate the year he died. My family," his words sounded contemptuous, "had the best of everything. We had the finest educations. Moved in the best circles." He drew a long breath, and said venomously, "and my esteemed father was a damned drunk. He was a sociopath who loved nothing more than his women and his gin."
Derek had never heard Hotch speak with so much emotion. He listened transfixed, not knowing what to say.
"My father," Hotchner continued, "slept around on my mother for years. He beat the hell out of her every time he got drunk. When I got old enough to try to stand up to him, he beat the hell out of me. Whenever we had bruises, we hid them. If we couldn't hide them, we joked about being clumsy or accident prone. We kept our secrets. We were a respected Virginia family."
Derek noticed Hotch was shaking. There were tears in his eyes but his voice was bitter.
"When none of us cried at his funeral, everyone thought we were just proud. The truth was, we were relieved as hell it was over." Hotch wiped a small tear that trickled down his face. He took another deep breath and quieted his voice. "So before you get hung up about me knowing your secrets, you need to consider, we all have secrets."
Hotch wiped his cheek again with the palm of his hand, and cleared his throat. His voice was normal now, "We have a meeting in the round table room at ten. I left two files on your desk you need to review before then. You'd better get started."
Derek realized he was being dismissed. "Hotch," he said hesitantly. He was searching for words but couldn't find them. After a pause, "I'll see you in the meeting."
Hotchner didn't look up. He was reading through the case reports again as if the conversation never happened.
Derek went to the coffee station and filled his cup. He was numb with disbelief as he sat down at his desk. He thought about what Hotch had revealed to him and appreciated how difficult it must have been for him. He took a sip of his coffee and opened a file. He and Hotch would never again mention their secrets.
