Chapter Two - Paris Altered
On the way to the Clearwater's, Jake explained why he was sent to talk to Leah instead of Sam. I could just imagine that she had a hole in her chest that perfectly matched mine. Worse still, she had guilt over her dad's heart attack.
When we pulled up, she was sitting on the front porch swing. The shallow porch did little to keep the now falling rain from soaking her. The loud rumble of my Chevy should have at least made her look up, but her face remained buried in her hands. She looked so small, but I knew she was nearly as tall as Charlie was.
"Hey there Leah," Jake said gently as we approached, "How you holding up?"
"How do you think?" she snapped without looking up, "When I thought things couldn't get worse…guess what? They did."
"Well," Jake kept his gentle tone, "Now you know what's going on with Sam. He hates himself for hurting you. I've heard his thoughts. He can't help what he…"
"That's why you're here and he's not," she hissed through her teeth.
"It would be far more painful if Sam were here," I offered and her head snapped up to meet my eyes "Think about it…Looking into his eyes searching for some spark of what you once had and finding nothing…but pity."
"I have gotten so good at avoiding them," she said and laughed humorlessly, "Now…I'm going to see him everyday…Hear his voice everyday-in my head no less."
Here I had been trying to hear his voice, and Leah was trying to avoid it. Of course, Sam had not left. La Push was a tiny place even smaller than Forks so despite her best efforts, I knew she would run into them occasionally. I realized my reaction was not normal human behavior, Leah's reaction was normal. That is why he left, but he should have known that I was not normal. The pain in my chest flared so I decided to stop making comparisons.
"They say your dad's in pretty bad shape," I almost whispered, "Won't you go…"
"I already called my mom," she interrupted in a dull voice, "I thought that was why you were here-to give me a ride."
We all looked as a car pulled up behind my truck. Paul saw us standing there, but honked the horn anyway. A moment later, he reached across and rolled down the window.
"Come on," he bellowed, "I gotta get back to showing Quil the ropes."
"We got her," I shouted back, "You can get back to torturing poor Quil."
I could hear his laughter as he peeled away and I turned back to Leah, "Oh sorry. I hope you didn't want to ride with him."
"No," she said relieved as a small smile touched her lips, "Paul has always gotten on my nerves."
I was soaked to the bone, but there was no need for the heater in my truck. Jake drove as I sat between the two Quileutes. Their warmth was oddly comforting. Leah stared out the passenger window, and kept sneaking glances at her. Jake held my hand when he was not shifting and I did not object. It felt nice.
When we pulled into the hospital's parking lot, there was a small group of people standing near the entrance. Among them were Sam and Emily. She was snuggled into his chest, and he was lovingly stroking her hair. I immediately looked down at my lap as Leah grabbed my hand. Her tight grip was not painful, but it wasn't comfortable either. I did not pull my hand away as I looked at her from the corner of my eye. She was staring at them- her eyes filling with tears.
"Em was more than my best friend. She was my sister," she said so quietly that I almost didn't hear her then she barked a laugh, "We shared everything."
"I'm so sorry," I said sincerely as a tear spilled over.
"No," she said and met my eyes, "I'm sorry Bella. I barely know you and I'm dumping all my problems on you."
"It's okay," I reassured as the pain in my chest flared, "It's better than holding it all inside because pain has a voracious appetite."
I did not have time to analyze the look she gave me because her door opened. Her mother's arms were around her and they were both sobbing. Neither one of them seemed to notice the rain.
"I'm so glad you made it," Sue's voice full of emotion, "We have to hurry. He…he doesn't have much time."
Without another word, they disappeared inside. I pulled the door closed and snuggled next to Jake. He seemed to read my mind as he enveloped me. Tears were dangerous for me, but I allowed them to flow. I cried for Charlie, for me and I cried for Leah. The flood slowed, and I drifted off into dreamless slumber.
Frozen with fear, I awoke to a strange noise. I waited with wide eyes until Jake snored. The sound was loud under my ear, but I hated to move for fear of waking him. My mind wandered to a few different subjects, but ended up on Juliet.
I wondered what she would have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but because he lost interest. What if Rosalind had given him the time of day and he'd changed his mind? What if instead of marrying Juliet, he'd just disappeared?
She would never have moved on; I was sure of that. Even if she'd lived until she was old and gray, every time she closed her eyes, it would have been Romeo's face she saw. She would have accepted that- eventually. Would she have married Paris?
What if there were more to Paris? What if Paris had been Juliet's friend? What if he was the only one shoe could confide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo? What if Juliet knew she couldn't survive without him? What if he really loved her and wanted her to be happy?
What if…she loved Paris? Not like Romeo. Nothing like that, of course, but enough that she wanted him to be happy too?
A quick yelp escaped my lips when someone rapped on the window. In a quick movement, Jacob woke and rolled down the window. I marveled how the usually sticky mechanism cooperated with him.
"Sorry," Billy grunted, "Did we wake you?"
The rain had all but stopped, and the sun had fallen below the horizon. It was twilight. My eyes slowly focused on his face. There were tears in his tired eyes, and my own eyes became blurred by tears of my own.
"Oh, no, Billy!" I moaned.
He nodded slowly, his expression hard with grief, "I'm gonna have Sam take me home now."
We watched in silence as he wheeled himself over to where Sam waited. The alpha pushed away to help Billy, but was waved away. I was watching Billy get situated so I did not see Leah approach. She looked weary and worn.
"I'm glad I caught you," she said breathlessly, "I forgot to thank you for the ride. I appreciate it more than you know."
"You're welcome," I said sincerely.
"We'll need you about midnight," Sam said and she stiffened at the sound of his voice.
"She just lost her dad!" I burst out before I could stop myself.
"It's okay Bella," Leah interjected, "I asked to go out. I couldn't stand the thought of being at home all alone in my room. The doctor gave my mom a prescription to help her sleep."
"Stay with me," I offered and Sam looked at me as if I had grown a second head.
"I don't want to be a burden," she sighed but the corner of her mouth twitched slightly.
"You wouldn't be a burden," I reassured, "A change of scenery might even help."
"Maybe," she said still undecided, "But I need to be here for awhile yet."
"Tell you what," I said and rummaged through my glove box, "Here's my number. When you're ready, call me and I'll be here to pick you up. I live two minutes away."
"Okay," she said and stared at the paper as she walked away.
We watched her disappear inside then Sam asked protectively, "What was that?"
"Do you remember when you found me in the woods behind Charlie's house?" my voice cracked and he nodded once, "I was in a bad way, and I just want to keep Leah from finding herself in that same bad place."
"Leelee is strong," he argued.
"Nobody is that strong," I countered, "There's a lost look in her eyes that I still have when I look in the mirror. Everything just came crashing down on her, and I had an overwhelming need to throw her a lifeline. Just like the one that Jake threw to me."
I paused and when he did not respond so I continued, "Besides…If Victoria see's her, it would ruin Jake's plan."
"What plan?" he inquired shifting his attention to his beta.
"The one I haven't had the chance to talk to you about," he said and Billy honked.
"After you take Bella home," he said and glanced toward his car, "Stop by the house."
As they pulled away, I asked, "You're on watch tonight?"
"Yup," he said and started my truck.
A cold wind that came in through the window, made me shiver. Without a word, he pulled me closer to him. I leaned my head into his chest, and I could hear his massive heart.
I couldn't imagine my life without Jacob and cringed at the very idea of it. Somehow, he'd become essential to my survival. I remembered wishing that Jacob was my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt nice. Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor.
I could stake a claim. I had that much in my power. I'd have to tell him everything; I knew that. It was the only way to be fair. I'd have to explain it just right, so that he'd know I wasn't settling and that he was much too good for me. I'd even have to admit that I was crazy-explain about the voices. He'd have to know everything before he made his decision.
I knew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn't even pause to think it through. I smiled to myself at the thought.
I would have to commit to this-commit as much of me that was left. I would offer every broken piece to him. Could I do this? Would it be so wrong to try and make Jacob happy? Or was it cruel, as Mike had accused.
Jacob stopped the truck in front of my house and cut the engine. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I had not realized we had left the hospital. He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest; binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. It was almost like being a whole person again.
"I know you don't feel exactly the same way I do Bells. I swear I don't mind. You just make me so happy that I could sing-and that's something no one wants to hear." He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.
My breathing kicked up a notch, and I noticed that my sore throat was barely noticeable. Wouldn't Edward want me to be as happy as possible under the circumstances? He wouldn't begrudge me this; giving just a small bit of the love he didn't want to my friend Jacob.
If I turned my face to the side…If I pressed my lips against his shoulder…I knew without any exactly what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight. But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?
Butterflies assaulted my stomach as I thought about turning my head. Then as clearly as if I were in danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.
"Be happy," he told me.
I froze. Jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically. 'Wait', I wanted to say. 'Just a minute' would have been so easy, but the words wouldn't come. Edward's voice echoed in my head. Storm-cooled air blew through the cab of the truck, and it shocked me into action.
I reached across and grabbed his wrist. He looked at me questioningly, and I knew the moment of truth had come. As I had done on the cliff this morning, I took a deep breath and jumped.
Surprisingly, myhand did not shake as I took his off the door handle. My eyes met his as I brought his hand up to my face. I could feel the bolt of excitement pass through him as I softly kissed his palm. My lips curved up in an uncertain smile as I snuggled my cheek into warm hand. There was a sparkle in his eye that I had never seen before which made me heartbeat quicken.
He ever so slowly leaned into me; watching for any sign that I'd changed my mind. When he found none, he closed his eyes and kissed me. It began tender and dry as if he was trying to inhale my essence. When the intensity increased, an amazing thing happened. My earthbound sun's warmth began to leech into my veins. A pleasant heat coursed through my entire body. For the first time in months, I felt my heart beating.
"Whoa," I gushed breathlessly as pulled back.
I felt myself losing control so I brought things to a screeching halt. Jacob did not seem to notice, he smiled down at me. I realized I had been wrong before, he wasn't sort of beautiful. He was just beautiful. Light seemed to emanate from him, but it did not blind me.
A growl coming from my stomach shattered the moment. I had not had much to eat, and now I was ravenous. Without a word, Jake helped me out of the truck. Hand in hand, we walked to the front door. As I made my way to the kitchen, my stomach growled again.
Jake sat at the table as I checked the fridge. Leftover casserole looked the best to me so I grabbed that and a container of lettuce. I spooned some onto the plate and popped it into the microwave. He watched me with a content smile on his face.
"Hungry?" I asked and mirrored his smile.
"Mmm hmm," he almost hummed.
"Are you okay?" I inquired trying not to laugh.
"Mmm hmm,"
"Is that all you can say now?"
"Mmm hmm,"
I giggled as I turned back to the counter. The microwave beeped, and I put another helping in to warm. After everything was on the table, I dug in. He sat and stared at me with a goofy grin on his face.
"You're food's getting cold," I noted with mock seriousness.
"Mmm hmm,"
"Jake…I" I stammered because I had no idea how to make him hear me.
He frowned and looked at his plate, "You're having second thoughts."
"No Jake!" I exclaimed, "I am giving you what's left of my heart. I just have some things to tell you which may make you not want to accept my humble gift."
"Okay. Shoot."
"First," I said and cleared my throat, "You have to know that you are too good for me and much more than I deserve."
"I don't…" he began to argue, but I held up my hand.
"Please let me get this out?" I begged and he nodded knowingly, "Understand that I am still broken. You have been fundamental in putting some of the pieces back together, but I will never be 1oo percent. The worst part is that I'm crazy…I hear voices in my head."
"Me too!" he beamed and I shot him a disapproving look, "Sorry. Continue."
"Well it's actually just one voice-his voice. I only hear it when my life is in peril or I'm doing something reckless. I heard it the first few times I rode my motorcycle…in the meadow with Laurent…and then this morning just before I jumped. Worse still, I am addicted to provoking the voice. I'd understand if you…"
"I'm not going anywhere," he reassured, "I knew it had to be something like that. You are kind of transparent that way Bells. I kept waiting for you to tell me…better late than never."
I went around and crawled into his lap as I used to with Edward. After my confession, I found it was easier to think his name. Edward…Edward…there was a twinge, but not the pain that there was before. I smiled into his chest.
"I love you," I whispered then thought, "Farewell absent heart."
"I love you too," he whispered back and the words rang like music in my ears.
I realized that no one had said that they loved me in months. Charlie does not actually say the words; he shows it in other ways. Rene says she loves me in every email, but it is different from actually hearing the words. To know that I am actually worthy of love-even if I did not entirely believe it
I reluctantly returned to my chair, and we finished our meal. It was so easy after that, I wondered why I had held out so long. The bonus was that Jake could not stop smiling; he was ecstatically happy. He helped me with dishes, which took longer than it should have. A dish soap bubble war broke out in the kitchen. I was wrangling suds when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I answered with a soapy hand.
"Bella," Sam greeted coolly, "Can I speak with Jacob?"
"Sure," I said sweetly and held the phone to Jake, "Sam…for you."
"Hey Sam," he said still smiling, "Mmm hmm…I can do that…She didn't mean it like that…She was only trying to help…Well I think we should play it by ear…Okay later."
"I'm sorry Jake," I said as soon as he hung up, "Are you in trouble because of me?"
"Nah," he said lightly, "Sam's at a loss right now. He has no idea how to handle Leah. Does he treat her like any other pack member? With everything that's happened between them, he has no idea how she'll react to things. She's already refused her first order."
"Isn't that impossible to do?" I gasped.
"Leah and Seth aren't quite in the pack yet," he explained, "They haven't heard the talk yet."
"The talk?" I asked, "Is that like orientation?"
"It's more like a lecture," he informed, "Sam had planned to give the two newest wolves the talk tonight, but Leah told him she had plans."
"That's why he was so cold on the phone just now," I surmised aloud.
"He thinks you're interfering with pack business," he sighed, "But I told him you were just trying to help. He wants me to give Leah the talk when she gets here. She's catching a ride with Charlie. They'll be here pretty soon, and I'll need you to keep Charlie occupied."
"I can set him in front of some food," I said then suggested, "Maybe I could sit in? I'd like to hear."
"You could," he said amused, "But you won't understand a word of it. The talk is in the language of our ancestors."
"Okay," I sighed disappointed, "I need to warm the rest of that casserole for Charlie."
Jake watched as I bustled around the kitchen once again. I preheated the oven for a few of those brown and serve rolls that Charlie liked so much when I had an idea. My mom always had brownies and ice cream when she was feeling down. She called it spirit food. I had Grandma Marie's recipe committed to memory so I lined up all the ingredients on the counter.
I had all my dry ingredients in the mixing bowl when I heard Charlie's cruiser pull up. I left it and hurried to the front door where I found him trudging up the walk. His eyes were on the ground and his shoulders were slumped. I walked forward to meet him; he didn't even see me until I hugged him. He embraced me back fiercely. Leah stood a few paces behind and watched us with profound sadness in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry…Dad,"
"I'm really going to miss him," Charlie mumbled.
"How's Sue doing?" I asked and Leah shook her head.
"She seems dazed, like she hasn't grasped it yet. Sam's staying with her…" The volume of his voice faded and Leah gave me a grateful look.
"You aren't much better off Charlie," Leah said softly.
"I suppose I'm not," he sighed.
"I tried to get him to let me drive," Leah offered as I really noticed how drawn and pale he looked.
"She can't drive my cruiser," he argued feebly.
"You'll feel better after you eat," I said and guided him toward the front door.
After I got him settled into his chair, I noticed that Jacob and Leah had not followed us. I listened but did not hear them in the living room. My attention had been on helping my dad so I did not know if they even came in the house.
"You did a good thing Bells," Charlie praised and I looked at him questioningly, "Inviting Leah over. She was so on edge…But as soon as we pulled away from her house, calm came over her. It made me feel a little better."
"How's Seth doing?" I asked changing the subject before he noticed Leah's absence.
"He's better than I expected," he said warmly, "Seth's only fourteen, but he has that same happy-go-lucky attitude that Jake has. He has really stepped into the man of the house role already-holding everyone else up. I don't think I would have made it through today without him."
I nodded thinking back to the impromptu spaghetti supper at Billy's. Seth had reminded me of Jake that night and I tried to picture him as wolf. I finally gave up trying to wrap my mind around that one.
Charlie slowly began to eat his dinner, and I worked on the brownies. He seemed to be out of conversation for the night. I put the pan in the oven to bake.
"Do you have any chocolate chips?" Leah asked startling me as I rinsed the mixing bowl.
"In the fridge," I said then asked, "Where's Jake?"
"Waiting for you on the front porch," she said amused.
"I'll be right back," I said in an apologetic tone.
"I'll be right here," she said trying not to smile.
As soon as I stepped out the door, Jake lifted me off my feet. Unlike his bear hugs, this embrace was more tender. I felt at home there in his arms.
"I'll stop by later," he promised, "Will you wait up for me?"
"I'll save you some brownies," the words were barely out of my mouth, when he snuffed anymore with a kiss.
Warmth pumped through my veins once again. I could feel myself becoming addicted to this feeling…The feeling of being alive again. My fingers found his hair, and I pulled myself closer-if that were possible. Another kind of need began to take hold of my body.
"Get a room," Jared laughed.
I let go as someone catcalled. My face immediately bloomed scarlet. I ignored the comments and concentrated on getting my breathing under control. A quick glance up at Jacob revealed that he was smiling like a fool. Now everyone knew that I was his girlfriend.
I stood on my toes and whispered 'be careful' toward his ear then fled inside. Standing with my back to the door, I began to analyze what had come over me. Did I feel that way about Jake? My mind was confused, but my body was absolutely sure of what it was doing. In fact, my skin hummed. Was I some kind of freakish sex maniac virgin? I always had a similar reaction when Edward and I…
"Don't push it," I whispered to myself.
"Did you say something Bell?" Charlie asked from the kitchen doorway.
"Just talking to myself," I dismissed.
"I'm going to bed," he announced, "I'm meeting Sue first thing to finalize the arrangements. Did you want me to wake you Leah?"
"I can take her home when we get up and around," I offered.
"Okay," he agreed and started toward the stairs, "Goodnight."
"Good rest Charlie," Leah spoke up.
"Night Dad," I said and stared after him.
