They left the class and proceeded to the library where they intended to look busy for the next hour or so until lunch. They arrived at the library and got out their books. Hermione immediately got to work on a potions essay.
"Hermione what are you doing?" asked Harry "Snape didn't give us an essay"
"He did" replied Hermione. "It's just that the Author forgot to mention it."
"What a wanker" said Ron "I could have got in real trouble for that. Good thing you're on the ball Hermione, this writer's useless"
"Yeah" said Harry "What kind of a loser spends his free time writing Harry Potter fanfiction anyway. This guy seriously needs to get laid." Harry suddenly got a tremendous headache and had to shut up and stop being such a nob.
"Ow. I was only joking" said Harry
"Er, who are you talking to?" asked Ron
"The Author" replied Harry
"Dude, you can't talk to the author" said Ron
"But he's useless" said Harry
"I know that but talking to the author ruins the whole illusion of"
"Shhh" hissed Hermione "Madam Prince is coming"
"It's Pince" whispered Ron
"I know but the author spelt it wrong" said Hermione
"Oh for fuck sake" began Harry but promptly got another tremendous headache. "Alright I get the point" he said.
Once they'd done their essays they wandered upstairs to the main hall for lunch, sat down at the Gryffindor table and helped themselves to beef in ale pie. Not long after, Fred and George came and sat with them.
"Hey guys" said Fred "Did Snape seem to be acting weird to you today?"
"Weirder than usual you mean?" asked Ron "No, why?"
"Well throughout the entire lesson he wouldn't stand up once. He didn't even walk round to check our potions, he just gave us A's" said George
"Well he was probably embarrassed about the eight inch bulge sticking out of his robe" said Hermione
"Snape" said Fred
"Embarrassed" said George
"bulge?" said Fred
"8 inches?" said Ron
"Oh haven't you seen what Hermione can do?" asked Harry
"Not now Harry" sighed Hermione
"Oh go on it'll be a laugh" said Harry
"Oh fine, let's just do it" said Hermione, giving up.
"Er, what exactly are you going to be doing?" asked George curiously
"Watch and learn" said Harry "Ready Hermione?"
"Ready" Said Hermione
"Ok, Snape"
"8 inches"
"Malfoy"
"6 and a half inches"
"Dean Thomas"
"5 inches"
"Ron"
"4 inches" (Ron blushed and mumbled something about medication)
"Cedric Diggory"
"12 inches"
"Neville"
"2 and a half inches" (Neville sitting two places away burst into tears and ran from the main hall)
"So have you actually slept with every male student and teacher in this school?" asked Ron.
"Pretty much" said Hermione calmly. Fred and George looked at each other and had a whispered conversation.
"So, with you, did she?"
"Yep"
"what with a?"
"Yeah"
"And didn't the hooks get stuck in your?"
"No"
"Awesome"
"She's good" they said in unison.
"It's not just the males" said Hermione defensively. "I've slept with some of the women too"
"Such as?" said Ron enquiringly
"Cho" said Hermione (Harry passed out)
"Anyway" interjected Fred. "Fascinating as this is, George and I have some business to attend to in the forbidden corridor on the third floor. We're having a small but hopefully profitable business meeting with our dear friend Lee Jordan"
"He reckons he can sell us some weed for a fiver" Said George. They departed and went off to the third floor.
Ron and Hermione (Harry was still unconscious) turned back to the table and carried on eating their steak and kidney pie.
"Wasn't this beef in ale pie at the beginning of the chapter?" asked Ron
"Oh don't start that again" said Hermione. They finished their pie, woke harry up and went to transfiguration.
