"Kid?" Sans asked, genuinely confused. His bright blue eye glowed into existence as he grinned. "Hey. You look a bit broken up about something."
Hans shook his head. "It's war. I knew monsters might kill my friends."
"How put together of you."
"You're not actually friendly at all…are you?"
"I wouldn't say that. I'm actually one of the friendliest guys around." He pulled down the collar of his nightgown, exposing his ribs, and winked. "I'm just heartless."
Hans' grip on the sword tightened. "Can I ask you something?"
Sans formed a bone and balanced it idly on his finger. "Sure, why not?"
The boy's eyes showed through his messy bangs. "How many humans have you killed?"
Sans paused and his grin slowly grew. "Now kid…that's a very interesting question."
"That eye of yours," Hans continued, steadily holding the sword, "It's evil, isn't it? Like Dirk's. Only he had two."
"Yeah, you could say that," the skeleton shrugged, "It's my LOVE Only unlike stabby back there, mine only comes out when I want it to."
"You don't seem very loving to me."
Sans laughed. "Kid, you have no idea." He flip the bone sideways and spun it on his fingertip. "Tell me, do you know what an acronym is?"
Hans shook his head.
"Huhuhuh. You humans are the real bone heads. Most of you don't even know how to read." He flipped the bone and caught it, stuffing his other hand into his robe pocket. "Alright. Well, since I've never seen someone glue their soul back together, I'll tell you. A smart monster figured out a way to measure the power gained by monsters and humans killing each other. This measurement is called LOVE or Level Of ViolencE."
"So you've killed a lot then?" Hans pressed, "A lot of humans?"
"Hold your horses, kid, I'm getting there. There's another thing in this picture called STAT or Skills To Add To. This makes up three main things about a man or monster: H.P. or Health Protection, AT or ATtack, and DF or DeFense." Sans' eyes shifted merrily. "Now, thanks to a friend of mine – the very smart monster I mentioned – I happen to know something even most monsters don't. First, that anyone with LOVE can choose what to do with all that power. Most, like that red-eyed human back there, just let it spread out inside them. Second, that there's a whole set of hidden STAT too. Like, there's INT for INTelligence or STR for STRength. There's even WIS for WISdom." He held up a finger. "But, my personal favorite is M.P. or Magic Power."
Sans shifted lazily. "So, to answer your question, kiddo, let me list my STAT for you. H.P: One. AT: One. DF: One. M.P…" Sans' blue eye flashed to life and he flicked the bone in his hand into Hans' chest faster than any arrow. As Hans stumbled to one knee and his soul shuddered, the air became a sea of bones. "A maximum power of ninety-nine. So you tell me, kid…just how many humans do you think I've killed?" He hit the human with a few more bones and the pieces of his soul flew apart. "Well, that was weird," he said, putting his hands in his pockets.
The pieces slammed back together.
Sans blinked. "What?"
A droplet of blood ran from Hans' lip and he shuddered, pushing off Abelard's sword and standing back up. The jumbled red heart on his chest vibrated chaotically.
"…How are you doing that, kid?" Sans asked.
"Too many."
"Huh?"
"Too many," Hans repeated. He drew a long breath and looked at the tiny skeleton. "That's how many humans you've killed." He grunted, leaning on the sword. "And what about the other skeletons that died in the battle? You did nothing to save them. Why?"
Sans closed his sockets and shrugged. "The thought never crossed my mind. Helping people isn't really my thing."
"Then why are you even here?" Hans insisted, "Are you like Dirk? Just trying to get stronger?"
Sans chuckled and looked at him again. "More interesting questions. At first, it was curiosity. Wanted to see if this whole LOVE thing was what it was cracked up to be. Then, it was an addiction. All those EXecution Points. But these days?" His sockets turned black as he smiled. "I just do it for laughs."
Hans gazed into those empty eyes for a long moment and then looked across the forest where the dead lay – monsters in white piles and humans impaled with white bone. At last, his vision fell on the sword in his hands, the hilt still fresh with his friend's blood. The boy shut his eyes and laughed gently.
"You know," he said quietly and with a small smile, "Ever since I woke up this morning, I can't stop thinking what a beautiful day it is outside. The sun's shining. Birds are singing. And all the flowers are in bloom. You know what? On days like these…monsters like you…" Sans bent over backwards as Hans was suddenly sliding past him, his sword cutting through the air where Sans' ribcage had almost been. The human's eyes burned with something that wasn't LOVE "Should be burning in Hell!"
Hans pivoted on his right foot and spun to swing again, only to be met with a gut full of bones, pinning him to a tree. "What?" asked Sans with his empty smile, "Did you really think you could pick up a sword and suddenly become a hero?" Hans' eyes opened and his red soul smashed back together, the shards cutting through the bones. He slid off and landed on the ground. "I wonder," Sans stated as he moved backward, avoiding Hans' strikes, "What kind of STAT allows you to endure fatal blows like that?" Hans was lifted into the air as a wall of bones shot from the ground and impaled him all over his body. "Or maybe you're too dumb to die. In that case…I'll have to teach you how."
It kept on like this, an endless barrage of bones, always ending in pain. But each time the world darkened something inside him would flash with renewed determination and the broken pieces of his soul would find each other once more. Eventually, all the various wounds that covered his body seemed to meld together.
And then, as he found himself pinned to a tree for the fourth time, a realization hit him. "There's a pattern." Breaking himself free with the power of his soul, he came at Sans again, this time leaping over the wall of bones and side stepping the following barrage.
"Hey," said Sans, flicking his fingers and summoning more bones around him, "Look at that. If you toss a human enough bones, they learn a new trick. But let me ask you something…" He squinted his sockets merrily. "Why so blue?"
"Huh?" blinked Hans as a blue light enveloped him. Sans outstretched his finger bones and the wave of attacks came at the boy again. Hans gritted his teeth and leapt. But as he moved, he felt the blue light pulling against him, making him slow and heavy as the bones pierced him and knocked him to the forest floor.
The thick fur slippers and ankle bones passed into Hans' vision. "You know," Sans stated, leaning over him, "I wonder if you realize…that you're already dead?" Hans' eyes widened and drifted down to the shattered heart on his chest. "A soul that is broken can't endure after death. Monsters lack something that humans have. Our bodies and souls fall apart. So we break human souls…and they fall apart too. Only seems fair."
"So…the soldiers that died…"
"Gone forever," Sans shrugged. He lifted his hand into the air and formed more bones. "I wonder…" Hans hiccupped blood as Sans drove the bones down into him on top of the rest. The skeleton watched as the red shards of Hans' soul popped into smaller pieces. "What kind of fate awaits someone with a soul as broke as yours?" He shrugged again. "Not that I care enough to think too hard on it. Still. You must be some kind of freak to endure so much pain."
The sight of his own blood dripping down the bones filled Hans with determination. He gripped them and started to push up. "It hurts…" he whispered, "More than anything you can do. This feeling…like I'm about to burst. It hurts…" He pushed himself off the bones and picked up Abelard's sword. "I don't care if I'm dead. I just want you to know that even at the best of times…your jokes were never funny."
"It's called a bad joke, kid," Sans winked, relaxing with his hands in his pockets, "And they're the best kind. Like humans. Hilarious. Like this one…what's blue and above you?"
"That's easy," Hans answered, "The sky."
"Nope." Sans threw up his arm and the blue light around Hans chucked him upwards, impaling him on a bunch of femurs that glowed like him. "Blue bones," the grinning skeleton giggled.
Hans slid down the bones and flopped onto the forest floor like a wet piece of meat. Sans laughed, but only shortly as Hans got up again. The boy stabbed the sword into the ground as he pushed himself to his feet. "Stop laughing," he ordered, the floating pieces of his soul coming together again, "This is the last thing I'll ever do. So I'm gonna make you see…that none of this is funny." He glared through his bangs and charged. "And you won't be laughing anymore!"
He thrust the sword, but the blue light pulled back against him, stopping the point just at Sans' jaw. The monster grinned and put his bone finger to the tip of the sword, lowering it slowly. Hans shook with strain in the blue magic. "Is that so? But kid…" His sockets emptied. "I'm not even trying yet."
He sent Hans flying backward with a thrust of his hand, impaling him on a row of bones. But this time, Hans didn't even have to free himself. Sans swept his arm again and again, impaling him over and over or simply slamming him against the tree trunks. He slammed him against the forest floor and sent a symphony of white and blue bones at him. Hans lost track of how many times his soul split apart.
A wall of blue bones came at him and he stood still, knowing there was nothing he could do. It passed right through him like a ghost. Sans clapped twice. "Good human," he praised, "Now fetch." More bones. So many wounds even his body started falling apart. Bones shot through him and his left arm fell clean off. "Need a hand?" Sans laughed. But he fell silent as the pull of Hans' soul put the arm back in place. Sans' eye sockets narrowed. "Now kid. That is a bad joke."
Hans stared at his left hand with amazement and tightened his hand into a fist. "You can't win," he both realized and declared, "Because no matter what you do, I'm not going to stop." He placed the hand back on the sword and lifted it up. "There isn't even a piece of me that will quit!"
"Sure," Sans shrugged. His sockets emptied. "But what if there's no piece of you left?" Strangely, Hans didn't feel afraid, even as the skeleton resumed his relaxed stance. "See, I got you figured out, kid. You've got some kind of Endurance STAT, don't you? Don't know how you got it so high without any EXP. Either way, I finally know how to kill you." He snapped his bone fingers and a dozen leering dragon skulls appeared floating over either shoulder, their eyes glowing intensely. "Overwhelm the STAT. It's been fun, kid."
The air crackled as hundreds of bones formed, so many it blocked out the sight of the trees. Hans grunted and his brow lowered. Sans gave a little laugh before thrusting his hand forward. The entire forest exploded with white light as power poured from the dragons' mouths and the bones rained down like hailstones. The skeleton threw up both arms and more bones filled the air and fell, the dragon skulls rotating and blasting without restraint. The nearby trees dissolved as the last of the attacks unleashed. All that was left was a new clearing in the woods and a pile of ash with a sword stuck in it.
Sans stared at the pile and, knowing he was at last alone, let out a deep sigh. A droplet of sweat ran down the side of his skull and his sockets pinched wearily. "Finally," he mumbled, "That was actually…really lame."
Thump-dump. Thump-dump. Sans' eyes snapped open wide as red, glowing powder rose from the ashes and formed a throbbing heart. The broken heart throbbed louder and louder until it summoned all the ash to it. The bits were drawn together, like a sand castle falling in reverse till in all clumped together in the shape of a human boy. Sans threw up an arm to shield his eyes as there was a flash of light.
"It…hurts." Hans' leather glove seized the hilt of the sword. "Skeleton…do you know what it's like…to really hurt?"
Sans didn't answer. He stood there with his eyes shut, his bleached white hands rattling in his pockets. "Hey, kid." His sockets opened with a terrible flash of his blue eye. "How about you just die?"
A wall of leering dragon skulls surrounded Hans on all sides. The boy looked ahead like he didn't even see them and started forward. He took one step and bolted directly ahead. The dragons opened their mouths. His body dissolved and reformed like passing waves, his crumbling foot pushing off the earth and driving him forward without slowing. Sans stuck him with bones, repeatedly reduced him to ash, and slammed him into a crater with his blue grip. Holding him down against the ground with the blue force, Sans stuck every inch of him with bones and summoned every dragon skull he could, blasting the crater into a deep hole.
Sans breathed heavily, several sweat droplets sliding down his white cranium as Hans soul dragged his ashes up the side of the pit and reformed him as he climbed. Sans glowing white pupils followed the boy until he had climbed all the way out and stood before him.
"You…" the skeleton panted, "You're very determined…aren't you?" He watched Hans raise his sword. "Say…we've been here for a while…haven't we?" He winked. "I think I've worked myself to the bone. What do you say…we call it a day?"
Hans looked at him through his bangs. "…What are you saying?"
"I'm saying…" His glowing pupils shifted to the side thoughtfully. He held out his hands. "Congratulations, kid. You get to live. I'm gonna head home and…" He gave a heavy sigh, walking away. "Take a nap."
He heard Hans' footsteps behind him and stopped. "What makes you think you get to leave?"
Sans shrugged and stuck his hands back in his pockets. "Eh. What can I say? Even I can have too much fun."
Hans' lips rose into a little smile. "I don't think you're having fun."
Sans' grin grew small as Hans charged at him, the skeleton ducking a sword swipe. "Kid," he grunted, ducking a second strike, "You won. You can stop now."
"I haven't," Hans countered, digging his foot in and swiping again, "I won't quit till you've been stopped. Till all people like you have been stopped."
Sans laughed a little. "You serious, kid? You can't do something like that. You're just some human. A broken one at that." He winced as he ducked again and shoved Hans back with his blue magic. "Okay. That's enough. You go do whatever it is humans do. I'm out." As soon as the blue light released him, Hans started after him again. Sans glanced over his shoulder, saw the charging human and – despite himself – started running. He puffed through his teeth, his clothes vibrating in the breeze. "Kid! Cut it out!" He turned over his shoulder and threw up a wall of bones. Hans leapt over it and kept running. "Quit!"
Sans soon recalled that with his little legs, he couldn't run very fast. The boy gained on him. Tightening his grin, he threw more back at the kid in an effort to slow him down. Hans leapt and weaved through the attacks, steadier than ever now as he pursued the skeleton. Sans sensed him gaining again and sweat ran down his face. Hans sprinted forward, the tip of his sword poking Sans' rear.
"Whoa!" Sans cried, leaping into the air and clutching his butt. He narrowed his eyes and turned, throwing a volley of bones fiercely back. "Get lost!" Hans took three bones to the chest but barely slowed. Sans panted louder and suddenly they were running through a farmer's field. Despite his surprise, Hans didn't slow, even when the barley turned to a river and they were leaping across stones or the next moment when they were charging through the near blackness of a mine. Sans hopped into a mine cart and Hans hopped into one right behind him.
They careened along until Hans got close enough to stab again. The strike glanced off a tree as they were back in the woods. "Come on," Sans cringed as he ducked back and forth from him around a tree trunk, "Isn't there something you'd rather be doing?"
"I'm dead, remember?" Hans glared.
"Yeah…" Sans' eyes shifted, "But uh…" He winked. "That hasn't stopped you so far, right?" He squatted with a wince as the sword planted in the wood just an inch above his skull.
With no other options, he started running again. The trees flew by them as Hans chased the skeleton, suddenly becoming a yard filled with chickens. Both of them were forced to shield their faces as feathers went everywhere. And then they were in a tavern. A monster tavern, apparently, as a myriad of fish-like people, lizards, blobs, and oddities all screamed as Sans got up on a table and started chucking bottles at the human. Hans sheepishly apologized as he wormed his way through the fleeing monsters, Sans finding one of the bottles still half full and downing it. Hans threw a chair at him and knocked him off the table.
"Come on!" Sans complained as he hit the floor.
And then with no explanation, they were back in the forest again. Sans stumbled and just ran. Hans could feel himself catching on up on his prey with a sudden certainty that his next blow would land and that would be it. The terrible skeleton would crumble into dust and never hurt anyone again. But as they ran through the woods together, they passed by a pile of ash with a very familiar knife lying next to it. The glint of the blade caught Hans' eye and the sword in his hands grew heavy.
"No," Hans whispered, "There's another way."
Sans tripped again and glanced over his shoulder in time to see Abelard's sword fall from Hans' hands and the boy leap through the air. His youthful arms wrapped around Sans' ribs from behind and they tumbled through the dirty underbrush together. Both child and skeleton yipped and grunted as they bounced over tree roots, coming to a stop with Hans full weight planted on Sans' pelvis. Sans struggled as the boy grappled with him, summoning bones to pierce his back. But Sans was weak and Hans strong by a life spent working the land. He shoved both of Sans' arms over his head with one hand and with the other drew his dagger.
Sans sockets widened. "…Oh…"
AUTHOR NOTE
The next chapter will be the last one. To my DBZ fans, I've been working on the next chapter of AGM as well. It's gonna be a super awesome one! In the mean time, I really look forward to your feedback on the latest in Funny Bone.
