A/N: Another insane plot bunny that needed to be let out so it could die with dignity. This is the result of my spanking nice new volume of Love Hina. Ema is cute!
Voldemort uses unusual means to get what he wants. Set during Half-Blood Prince and pretty much explains what he was doing at the time…
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'The Dark Lord of Hinata Sou' or 'Voldemort the Ronin'
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, this would really happen.
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Dark Lord Voldemort, a.k.a. You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, The-Man-Formerly-Known-As-Tom-Riddle…
…was currently wondering what he'd gotten himself into. Again.
Though he wasn't a seer, he saw, with the absolute clarity that comes with perfect knowledge, the exact moment the insanity began. Simply put, his current landlord tripped on a perfectly flat, level, clear patch of floor.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"OOPS!"
It took all of Voldemort's considerable life experience, dueling nerves and the newer strength he developed in his stay in this madhouse– more the latter than the other two– to keep from going for his wand, Apparating somewhere safer– like the heart of an active volcano– or just snapping, going back to his Death Eaters and hiding under his blankets as his landlord's admittedly beautiful, red-headed, and slightly violent wife charged at her klutzy, bespectacled, looks-disturbingly-like-Potter husband in a fit of loving rage as he somehow managed to pull of her dress and bra. Considering her dress wasn't a button-up and had very secure shoulders, that was certainly something.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE PERVERT!"
"SOMBODY HELP ME!"
The call was futile as the other residents, much, much more experienced at these sorts of things– they'd apparently been having them since their landlord first set foot on the grounds of the boarding house–made themselves scarce. Well, the freckled girl with the glasses did, looking about as freaked out as he felt. The others… did what they did.
Voldemort watched impassively as the law student proceeded to use perfect sword technique to cut the table in half as she tried to aim for the landlord– without a sword, he might add– the two blondes tandem kicked the man into the ground, and the mechanized robot turtle– version 35.02, according to the tag– let loose a barrage of missiles.
It was just a perfectly normal evening meal at his place of residence.
"Watermelon, Tom-kun?"
Voldemort, going by his birth name of Tom Riddle, barely twitched at the once-reviled name as he turned to the smiling woman offering him the juicy slice of fruit, seemingly oblivious to the chaos around her, except for the occasional exclamation of "Oh me, oh my!". "Oh, thank you, Mutsumi-san," he said, accepting the offered fruit– it was very good watermelon, after all; Mutsumi had a knack for picking the best– and calmly beginning to eat it with a fork. Ema was shaking her head.
"This is so not normal," she muttered.
Voldemort had to resist the urge to part her shoulder comfortingly as he found himself fondly looking back at the near-misses of Aurors and the Order of the Phoenix's attempts to kill him…
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It all began with a ridiculous rumor about the existence of a 'magical' girls dormitory in Japan that, apparently, was the site of not one but two powerful magics. One was the annex house, which could reputedly cause two people to marry if they spent a night there, regardless of gender, likes, dislikes and other loves. It was so bad that the Japanese magical associations used to use it to punish wrongdoers by making them marry their worse enemy– until it got so dangerous that even they realized that it was cruel and unusual punishment.
A little research showed that the annex was since been destroyed, it's powers with it– someone actually managed to break it's spell!– but that was all right. Voldemort didn't need it anyway.
The other one, however…
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"A special kind of magic the helps makes ones dreams come true, provided that one never gives up, no matter how hard it gets?" Voldemort said sarcastically enough that he was able to cover up his incredulousness. "That sounds like something Dumbledore would say."
The poor unfortunate Death Eater before him seemed to shrink into his robes. "Forgive me master, that that is all that could be found about the powers of the area."
"Power to make dreams come true, and a bunch of Muggles are using it to get into a university," Voldemort muttered. "Have you told anyone else about this research, or the location of the power?"
"No, my lord."
"Good. OBLIVIATE!"
Hey, good researchers are hard to come by!
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"I should have known better than to try and use any magic that sounded like Dumbledore had anything to do with it," Voldemort muttered as he leaned back in the pool of water. The nicest things about the Hinata Sou were the hotsprings and Shinobu's cooking…
He woke up about an hour later in time to see Keitaro getting ready to enter. "Oh, (BLEEP)!" he cried, and began scrambling for the dressing room. While the hotsprings of the former girls dorm turned boarding house weren't segregated, things tended to turn very violent whenever the landlord got into the water.
"Oh, hello Tom. Done?" Keitaro asked.
"Oh, yes," Voldemort said, his years of acting like a nice guy still holding him in good stead. "However, it's getting very late, and I have some reports I need to look over. Enjoy your dip, Keitaro-san."
Ten minutes later, Voldemort, up in his room on the far side of the building from the hot springs were he was boarded, pretending to be a small-time executive on a relaxation retreat– relaxation: HA!– sighed as he heard the cry of "BOULDER CUTTING BLADE!", the sound of missiles going off, and the distinct whistle of Keitaro flying through the air.
If nothing else, this trip at least had given him a lead on a possible source of invulnerability. Keitaro's blood was going into his next experiment!
Looking back down on the reports from England, Voldemort went back to planning his assault. After all, the magic needed hard work, and he'd spent too much time here and risked too much of his sanity to give up now. He would get into Tokyo U, damn it!
…
Um, that is, he would take over the magical world and kill all muggles!
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ENDING 1
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Almost a year later…When Dumbledore and Harry got back from their Horcrux chase, they were surprised and horrified to see the Dark Mark hovering over Hogwarts, and immediately rushed back, fearing the worst. In their haste, they missed the fact that it look a bit… different. Seriously, since when did the Dark Mark's image include a smiling turtle?
When they arrived, however, they were in for a surprise. A handsome man who was vaguely recognizable as Voldemort was sitting at a table in the front lawn, accompanied by a host of Death Eaters as he began to cut… a watermelon? A dark-haired woman with a red ribbon in her hair sat next to him. Across from them, the Aurors and Order members at Hogwarts, along with a few older students, were holding themselves ready, vastly outnumbered. Professor McGonagall was in the lead, and she looked relieved to see Dumbledore.
"Tom?" the Headmaster said in surprise, recognizing his old student as Harry gasped. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, professor! Welcome! Would you like a watermelon?" Voldemort said, smiling brightly.
"Ah, no thank you Tom," Dumbldore said, completely weirded out. Everyone else got a weird sense of déjà vu as they thought of Sherbet Lemons. "Why are you here?"
"Ah, well, I'm here to announce that I've decided to stop being a Dark Lord, and am leaving the Wizarding world forever," Voldemort said cheerfully.
There was a beat. Then everyone suddenly yelled, "WHAT?" Apparently, even the Death Eaters hadn't known about this.
Voldemort nodded as if he was completely oblivious to the fact he'd dropped a nuclear bomb– actually, it was closer to a Death Star. "Yes. You see, I've decided I wanted to do something different with my life, so I'm quitting the dark Lord business and changing my name back to Tom Riddle."
At this astonishing news– the Dark Lord's real name was Tom Riddle? Shocking!– one of the senior Aurors stepped forward. He'd once been a Gryffindor, which explained why he was crazy enough to do what he did next. "In that case, Tom Riddle, I hereby place you under arrest!"
As the Death Eater's, still confused by events, tried to determine if they should do anything, Voldemort–er, Tom– said, "Um, I'm afraid you can't. you see, I have diplomatic immunity."
Blinks all around.
"DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY?" everyone chorused.
Tom nodded as the woman next to him ate her watermelon. It was very good watermelon, after all. "I'm afraid as a duly appointed representative of the kingdom of Molmol, I have diplomatic immunity against prosecution."
Harry stared. "Molmol?"
"It's an island kingdom close to the international dateline," Dumbledore clarified.
Tom clapped his hands. "Well, I suppose that's everything. See you all around. Kanako-chan?"
The woman rose, freaking everyone out as she suddenly glomped on to Tom. "We going, oni-chan?" she said sultrily.
"Wait!" a random Death Eater (actually the same one he obliviated) said, and Tom paused. "My lord, what about us? And… who's the babe?"
To the absolute shock of everyone, Tom blushed. "Um, this is Kanako Urashima. My… fiancée."
Harry couldn't take it anymore. He fainted.
"Oh, and as for the rest of you … I'm afraid that since there were no openings, I couldn't get any immutniy for the rest of you. But hey, at least Azkaban isn't so bad anymore, since the Dementors are gone!" Tom said.
As one, the Death Eater's twitched.
"And where are you going, Tom?" Dumbledore said, smiling as he fingered his wand and eyed the suddenly mutinous Death Eaters.
Tom grinned widely. "I'm going to Tokyo U!"
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Tom and Kanako barely escaped with their lives as the Death Eaters rioted. Everyone was arrested, and Snape did or did not die, depending on whether you're a fan.
After three weeks, Harry eventually stopped screaming about the injustice of Voldemort getting a fiancée.
Dumbledore lived, and was a part of a commission to study whether or not they should go to war with Molmol just so that they could get Voldemort. Estimates predict they'll be done deciding in about fifty years. Su is building up her Mecha Tama army in the meantime.
Tom got into Tokyo U on his third try and went into marketing. He married Kanako, and together they help run the Hinata boarding house. Dumbledore eventually tracked him down and they shared some watermelon and sherbet lemons.
Keitaro is still a klutz
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ENDING 2
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Almost a year later…"Go, my minions! For the glory of the Dark Lord Voldemort!" the woman in the dark outfit cried as the mecha army swept through the ranks of Aurors, Order members, and militia volunteers. "Resistance is futile! None can resist the might of the Hinata Side!"
Keitaro sweatdropped. "She's really getting into this, isn't she?" he said, looking at his brother-in-law.
Voldemort nodded. "That's why she's my general. People take one look at her and either get jealous, get hard, or get the heck out of dodge. Besides, she likes it."
Next to them, self-declared martian Chao Lingshen grinned down at their armies. Giant Tama-chan's, Chachamaru production models and Tanaka-san robots marched, their stripper beams more than enough to rob their opponents of their clothes, dignities and wands, and making them run for the hills.
Off to the side, Naru, Kanako, Su and Sarah were splitting up the world, deciding on who got what, while Mutsumi helped Shinobu with dinner. Motoko stood ominously in the background, her sword ready.
After a while, there was a slight change in the flow of battle. "Looks like they're finally adapting to our tactics," Satomi Hakase said, looking up from her readings. "Should I activate phase 2?"
"By all means," Voldemort said, before going back to reading the 'Evil Overlord List'. Su was right, it was necessary reading.
Women took one look at the next wave and ran screaming. The newest wave the pinnacle of cloning technology. You could beat on it, cut at it, stomp on it, throw it off a cliff, and it still got back up for more. Women ran from it, and men didn't take it too seriously because they secretly wanted to the clones to get at the women.
The Keitaro Clones were coming.
Back in Japan, Ema looked around the headquarters of the new world order, a.k.a., Hinata house. "Where is everyone? Don't they know the mock exams are coming up?"
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- …hmm, maybe that wasn't such a good idea…
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A/N: ah, Akamatsu crack. Best crack in the world…
Come one, be honest. Haven't you ever wanted to take over the world with an army of Mecha Tamas?
I might do one where Voldemort gets the Evangeline treatment. Seriously, getting turned into a perpetual student as punishment when he fails to kill Harry? Can you just picture that?
Naru-Kei FOREVER!
As for Voldie and Kanako, Tom looks like Harry, who looks like Keitaro (she never really got over her brother-complex…). And she'd probably call him oni-chan just to be kinky…
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.
