You just want to apologize and go back to being everything that you were, but you're cold, and you can't get warm. But you come to realize… you don't mind the cold anymore.
-+-
The rain had never been so refreshing. Typically, Chase hated any kind of bad weather but today he didn't mind it. The water rushed over him and calmed his heated nerves, and he stared up at the sky, thinking. His mind turned the conversation over in his head, playing each word back to him.
"I'm an idiot…" He murmured, but he knew it wouldn't do any good at all. After all, he had already lost the oncologist and the man seemed pretty serious when those words left his lips.
He wondered what he could've done to change things, to mend the sudden break between them. He had never been left feeling so…lost and he hated that sensation altogether. He had opened up, offered his past, his hurts, everything that bruised him to the oncologist and he was repaid in full.
He was now alone.
Then again, he had always really been alone, hadn't he?
-+-
Regret.
It was welling up within him and he hated the silence that seemed to fill the apartment that only reminded him of everything he thought just might work, just might make him into something new – show him that not all good things end in failure.
But Wilson was left alone again, too, but by his own accord. But Chase had taken it all far easer than he expected. In actuality, he took everything far, far better than really expected.
This led the oncologist to wonder, slowly turning thoughts into dangerous, lethal ideas.
Did Chase ever really love him? That was a real question. After any split or divorce (which, those came often, actually) he always questioned the stability of the love and warmth of the relationship. Was it all just a lie, something he dreamt was there while he was living in a stone cold world that only scorned and stoned him?
Perhaps the whispered words and tender kisses were all part of that sweet lie. Even if they were, he found himself missing them, wishing to feel the lingering of the other man's lips on his skin. But perhaps that's all his love for Chase was? Physical, material— t wasn't heart felt, now that he thought of it. Slowly, he began to come upon a devastating thing, something that even made his stomach plunge.
Did he even love Chase?
Had he been the one lying the whole time, truly, through his teeth while he curled close to the Aussie, while he shared anything and everything about his daily routine with that lovely blond?
He was pathetic. He was downright disgusting. He hated himself.
Until he began to accept it as the truth.
Accepting that maybe, his world would always be filled with lies.
Picking up the phone, he listened to it ringing, hoping that there would come an answer at some point, that he could find temporary salvation in the voice that would call out a gruff 'hello'. Ah, but as was to be expected, the answering machine kicked in.
"Greg, it's me. I...was wondering, "Something was grabbing at the back of his mind, telling him to stop, to hang up the phone, "If I could stay at your place for a while. Chase and I…"
The phone picked up and he heard the other man's voice.
"Finally running back to me, Jimmy?" It was sarcasm, but it held more truth than he oncologist really wanted to face.
"I'll see you in ten."
Wilson hung up, not answering House's question. He had already packed his clothing and anything and everything he could think was his in the home. Everything had just started to blend so he began to lose track of what was now his instead of 'theirs'.
And as he moved for the door, he opened it and stared in at the dark, empty apartment for a long while before turning and shutting the door, disappearing down the hallway and out of the building.
A building that already held a huge portion of him, a building he thought, once, he would never have to leave.
You're being childish, Jimmy, he reminded himself, sighing gently and moving out to his car.
And even though he was content with leaving, he wouldn't admit that, somewhere, they was a terrible pool of guilt and dread hiding beneath his walls.
-+-
You just learn to get used to the cold because it's the only constant in your life. And you really begin to think that's all there ever will be.
