.

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It's been a bad day. My student tried to hit on me and when I gave him detention for making lewd remarks I was the one reprimanded because his mom is an important person and she won't like it, I was informed at the last minute by the principal that we're having a bake sale the day after tomorrow and I need to make at least fifty items for it because Rebecca's mom has fallen sick and can't make her share, and of course this happens on the one day that my refrigerator got unplugged so everything in it died and now I have to restock everything and buy supplies for baking.

I am going to be broke for at least two weeks.

I wanted to die. So of course I did what I always do when times are rough.

I hugged the door. Sprawled myself all over it like it was a vertical bed. Or a boyfriend (hehe!).

After a bit of feeling comforted I began stroking it like a cat. And just when I was about to nestle into its hard, cold embrace even further, I heard my supermegafoxyawesomehot (AVPM reference!) neighbour speak.

"You're petting your door." He sounded puzzled. I cannot honestly blame him. I had forgotten the weird reactions I had gotten when Mrs Robinson first caught me petting the door. Of course I explained everything to her and she laughed it off saying it was normal compared to the previous tenant who had the tendency to take off his clothes and giggle, all this while eating peanut butter in the hallway. But I can't exactly explain it to Warren Peace, I can barely make small talk with him let alone indulge in an in-depth psychological discussion of why I do what I do! So I just turn around slightly to face him while still attached to the door.

"I know."

"Did you lock yourself out?" He asked, clearly trying to rationalise what he had just seen. Yeah, best of luck with that buddy!

"Not really."

"So why are you hugging your door?"

Because it's my only friend right now.

"It seemed like a good idea."

We stood there for a bit awkwardly before he started playing with his keys, clearly looking for the exit sign.

"Right well I'd best get going."

"Oh wait that reminds me, may I please leave a spare key with you?"

Hopefully I would stay in possession of my keys at all times and never have to knock on Warren's door but that was an unlikely scenario. I will probably have to interact with Mr Peace at some point in the not so distant future to ask for my keys I know. I keep missing Mrs Robinson. She was so used to my weirdness nothing phased her at all. Now around Warren, I have to save face. And he increases the level of my sexual frustration by a million times. Mrs Robinson never did that, if anything she lowered it.

I want to hug doors without being questioned God damn it!

He seemed reluctant to take the keys and I felt the need to clarify things.

"I know I seem a bit crazy but I tend to lose my keys a lot and Mr Littman gets weird about having to keep spares with him. I'm not asking for your keys in return or anything."

I think I scared him with that last statement. Nevertheless he did agree to keep a spare.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm off my rocker though.

Monkey crud.

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The day after the very, very embarrassing encounter with Warren, I started my entire day early so as to avoid running into him. This of course meant waking up at five instead of six. Not a fun thing to do, especially considering it didn't work. There was a new victim of the 'Nine to Five serial killer', the newest murderer our city has to offer. You know considering that it's home to a whole lot of superheroes, Maxville sure has a lot of completely cuckoo, villainous civilians, which of course means that Warren Peace, as a crime reporter, rushes out his door the minute a body drops in this fair city of ours.

That of course led to an awfully awkward time in the elevator. We both gave polite half smiles and stared at the indicator as if that was going to make it go any faster and then the minute it 'dinged' and the doors parted he rushed out the door, while I walked incredibly slowly, pretending to be searching for something in my purse. I waited until his car had pulled out before going to my scooter and happily headed the opposite way.

I'm pretty sure he was watching his rear view mirror to make sure that my bright yellow vespa wasn't following him.

And so I went on my merry way to school. And what a glorious day it was, you know the student I detained for hitting on me? Turns out his mom is not angry about it at all. In fact she used this opportunity to rant and rave about how he's just like his deadbeat dad, no respect for women whatsoever and that 'no son of hers would be engaging in lascivious behaviour around an obviously inappropriate person '.

I hope I'm inappropriate because I'm a teacher and not because I'm unseemly or something, although considering the evil eye she gave me it was probably both.

And then my star pupil, Luna managed to stand up to her bullies in a dignified manner before kicking their asses in gym class. And because I woke up so early in the morning, I even had time to pick up a most delicious cream cheese and spinach bagel for my lunch along with a slice of apple pie to finish it off.

It almost makes me want to wake up early more often. But not really.

It was such a good day; I was even chipper about all the baking. So I happily went off to the supermarket and bought what felt like tonnes of baking materials and set off home.

As I was unloading the vespa a voice spoke from behind me again.

"Need some help with that?" Luckily it was not Warren Peace, although I doubt he would actually help me out. That is not to say that he doesn't have manners, but he'd probably do his best to avoid talking to me and run off. No, it turned out to be my dearest Magenta in all her purple glory.

"Sure, can you carry one of the bags please?" I said while wondering what the hell she was doing here. Apparently it showed on my face.

"I find myself dragged to Warren's new apartment by Layla whose inner mom is worrying about how he's settling into his new place and somehow I see you getting off of this hideous yellow monstrosity and struggling with a million bags. Mind telling me what's going on?"

"Okay first off, my vespa is not hideous, it is just special, and secondly there's a bake sale at school and so I have to bake!"

"So you live here?"

"Yep, right across from your precious Mr Peace."

"Wait, you're the neighbour?" I nod while precariously balancing the bags and pressing the button for the elevator at the same time. Something Magenta should have found easy to do considering she was only carrying one bag and yet she just stood there leaning against the frame with all the grace and laziness of a cat. "So, why does he think you're crazy?"

"He said that?" I said sheepishly. I mean I know that I seemingly went off the deep end last night but that's no reason to complain to your friends, right?

"It was implied." She said sounding tactful, something she is not actually capable of, which of course meant that it was in fact, implied and not explicit.

"He may have found me hugging my door." I said pouting slightly before telling her the entire story.

Luckily Magenta knows nothing of my semi-stalking Warren Peace in high school which is most eeexcellent. If there is anything in the world that you do not want, it is for Magenta to know your deepest, darkest secrets. Of course she already knows a fair lot of mine but this is the deepest and darkest of them all. No one should be aware of it.

Not even me.

*Dun dun dun duuuuuuuuun*

And then she began telling me of one of our mutual frenemies from art camp that had gotten married and how horribly ugly her dress was and by the time she got done with detailing exactly how the bride ended up crying in the women's bathroom while the groom was sleeping under a table, we had reached Warren Peace's door.

His wide open door through which all his other friends peered back at us, while the man of the hour himself sat brooding on his couch staring at the TV with a beer bottle in hand.

"Hello." I said politely and Mr Peace finally turned to see us at the door.

"Did you lose your keys?" There was hope in his voice, hope that I was not in fact there to socialise but instead to pick up the spare key and that thus our interaction would be close to nil.

Well at least that's what I heard.

"I was just helping her with the bags." Magenta answered for me.

"We're having a housewarming party for Warren, would you like to join us?"Layla asked so brightly I almost agreed. But then I noticed Warren's eyes growing fractionally larger. I'm pretty sure if he was standing behind me he would have been waving his arms in the air mouthing the word "Noooo!" at Layla.

"That's okay I've got some work to do." I said, smiling politely before turning to Magenta, who was visibly holding back laughter. "Help me get these to the door would you?"

As we walked away from the disaster zone without any calamity befalling us (me), I sighed in relief. As quickly as I could, I opened the door and put the bags onto the kitchen table before emitting a high pitched sound and sinking to the floor with my face in my hands.

"That," Magenta said in between fits of laughter. "Was the single most awkward thing I have ever seen!"

"I know." I said, utterly and absolutely desolate in that moment.

I loathe myself.