HBACSAPS: Part 2
"So tell me, children: is there anything you would like to say before I literally spank your sorry little rear ends right off like the bulbous, bloated shit-spewers that they are and always have been? Any famous last words, so to speak, before I literally hang your stupid asses up on my wall?" Asgore pulled out his trident (for no apparent reason other than to make himself look as badass as possible) and reluctantly threatened Alphys, Undyne, Bratty and Catty in a laughably weak and pathetically forced attempt to scare them despite the fact that he clearly had absolutely nothing of the sort hung up on any of his walls and was actually a really nice guy at heart despite being so intimidatingly massive, muscular and tall.
"You can seriously KISS my ass if you really think we're going to fall for THAT ludicrously obvious fakery, you great big wuss!" Bratty laughed smarmily as she turned around, bent over, pulled her pants and underwear down and showed off her lovely Nicki Minaj ass to Assgore, smacking it teasingly with one hand and using the other hand to lovingly finger her own puss.
"Yeah, mine too, you ridiculously soft-hearted freaking WIMP!" Catty giggled in response as she systematically did the exact same thing as Bratty just as always, stroking her lovely and ladylike black hair with her fingers and fluttering her eyelashes at him.
"Don't forget US, dreamboat!" Alphys and Undyne giggled and blushed embarrassedly with oh-so-degradingly-teasing expressions on their smarmily glaring faces as they themselves proceeded to just-as-mockingly show off their lovely rump-roast beasts to Asgore, causing a frightfully large bump to suddenly begin protruding from the crotch area of his massive, handsomely draped overcoat.
"Here, let me handle that for you, good sir!" Alphys laughed excitedly, smacking her lips as she immediately seized the opportunity to charge straight at her formerly beloved ex-boyfriend and sneakily slip underneath his overcoat like a pair of conveniently concealing curtains to deliver the coup-dé-grace.
"Oh sweet lord-worshipping heavens, you really do freaking SUCK like no one else I've ever met...in fact, I do believe that I'm literally going to pass out within the next ten seconds if you keep this up at this rate...Alphys, in the name of my beloved, treasured kingdom and all who inhabit it, PLEASE keep going...yeah, keep going, keep going, keep GOHHHHHHH!" Asgore panted, moaned and murred ecstatically at the tops of his lungs with udder delight, slipping into unconsciousness and exhaustedly fainting head-over-heels onto the floor from sheer overstimulation (and surprisingly not leaving a disgustingly gigantic dripping stain in his clothing) as Alphys nonchalantly pulled his saggy pants and underwear back up, put her hands triumphantly on her wholesomely plump and elegantly sculpted hips, glared teasingly at her friends and playfully licked the gooey white...AHEM...salivations off of her more-than-suspiciously wet and soggy lips, proving once and for all that beneath her adorably shy and dorky exterior, she actually was in fact, by far, the Underground's absolute biggest (and hottest) hoe.
"Come on, let's go someplace else for job training; this place freaking BLOWS!" Alphys snickered embarrassedly with an immense blush on her face as she and her friends (all of whom were now laughing uproariously, with tears of pure unadulterated joy streaming right down their faces) locked hands together with each other and merrily skipped right out of the throne room like a group of incredibly gay British men having the absolute happiest day of their entire stinking lives.
"Alright, so, like, tell us: how do we, like, look?" Bratty asked Alphys and Undyne as the four of them released their hands from each other's grip and slowly but surely made their way out of the castle and found a conveniently placed elevator-back-to-the-beginning of the area, which they of course took.
"Like Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, only even UGLIER and more annoying somehow! Boy, teaching YOU guys how to run a country oughta be REAL freaking fun!" Undyne laughed snarkily at the rather admittedly tackily suited-and-tied Bratty and Catty, the former of which was wearing a Donald Trump wig while the latter was wearing a Hillary Clinton one.
"Hey, it's not OUR fault we wear mismatched clothing and tacky jewelry that we found in the garbage and act like shallow, rotten assholes toward just about everyone we MEET, you know!" Catty ranted sarcastically at Alphys, blowing her rancid morning breath into the poor girl's face and causing her nose to crinkle up and violently bleed with sensory-abuse-induced woe.
"Well, I'd say it's about time we put that phase of your lives BEHIND you for good and move on to the exciting new political frontiers of presidency!" Alphys patted Catty and Bratty on the backs and chuckled merrily as the four of them walked out the elevator, hopping and skipping their way back into the Core (and its elevator, which they immediately took straight back down to the Core's entrance lobby) with glee.
"Yeah, but first, we need to, like, redo my makeup and stuff! I think I, like, chipped my TOENAILS or something!" Bratty obnoxiously whined and complained while she and Catty sat down on the floor of the elevator so that the latter could provide pedicure treatment while Alphys and Undyne irritatedly tapped their feet on the ground and waited for the two of them to finish, blissfully unaware all the while of the recent reawakening of their prideful-to-a-fault king.
"Um, Alphys? Could you perhaps help me clean Bratty's feet for a minute or two? With your tongue, preferably?" Catty briefly refrained from licking and slobbering all over Bratty's feet and completely coating them in her absolutely disgusting cat cooties while Bratty pulled out her suddenly loudly ringing phone from the surprisingly tight and firm crevice in between her boobies.
"Oh, like, hey there, dreamboat, how's it going?" Bratty flipped open her cell phone and asked Asgore smarmily, flickering her tongue like a snake while Alphys and Catty licked and sucked her lovely alligator feet down below and got their salivatory (and erectile) juices epically flowing.
"Listen, you rebellious little PUNKS; do you even REALIZE the true extent of what you're doing right now?" Asgore growled lividly at Bratty over the phone, narrowly resisting the overpowering urge to call her girlfriend something along the lines of a filthy, morbidly obese and unwashed American cow.
"Uh...well, I suppose you could say I'm getting my feet worshipped by a pair of crazy-ass dykes with no standards, so I guess there's THAT..." Bratty sighed and shrugged her shoulders while Alphys and Catty suddenly had an idea...a horrible, wonderful, AWFUL idea at that!
"No, Bratty, I meant as in the fact that you're ostensibly planning to overthrow the entire freaking GOVERNMENT system and turn it into a filthy American PRESIDENCY! Oh, and also the fact that I'M currently getting my OWN royal pedicure treatment from my adorably loyal and almost-impossibly-gay servants, so I'm afraid you can just SUCK it! My toes, that is, you dirty cheap whore!" Asgore facepalmed, sighed and laughed wholeheartedly while said servants (Royal Guards 1 and 2, of course) licked his massive, teasingly outstretched feet until they couldn't lick no more.
"Yo, BRO! We should, like, pour vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup all over this guy's feet and give ourselves sugar-coated footjobs with them! Wouldn't that be SWEET, man?" Royal Guard 1 asked Royal Guard 2 excitedly as the two of them moaned and panted with pleasure, making sure (through ridiculously close inspection, in fact) that every last crevice, nook and cranny of Asgore's beautiful feet was spic-and-span.
"Yeah...you know what would be even BETTER, dude? If he, like, stripped himself into the NUDE!" Royal Guard 2 moaned and drooled with delight at the mere thought of something so adorably lewd.
"Already got you covered, boys! Now don't forget to pay your TOLLS!" Asgore sighed embarrassedly, feeling immensely grateful that there was no one else occupying the throne room at the moment as he stripped himself completely naked, summoned ice-cold vanilla frosting and chocolate syrup out of thin air and promptly began pouring them all over his majestic soles.
"Okeh-heh-heh-heh, I thi-hi-hi-hink that's just about enu-hu-hu-huff of THAT pho-ho-ho-hone call for one deh-heh-heh-hay! Oh, NO-HO-HO-HOES!" Bratty laughed and cried hysterically as Alphys and Catty teased all over her precious little feet with their sharp, claw-like fingernails, scritching into her arches, up and down the entire surface area of her soles, up over the balls of her feet and even into the delicately sensitive little gaps in between her scaly little toes.
"Alright, so...I take it that this is apparently only the first of many incredibly forced job-training activities to come?" Undyne asked Alphys smugly, putting her hands on her hips in a remarkably "I told you so" type of manner as her friends sprung right back up onto their feet and charged straight out the elevator and across the Core's entrance bridge into MTT Resort so that they, at long last, would finally be able to officially begin the outrageous fun!
"I take it that's a YES..." Undyne groaned somewhat irritatedly for reasons that she evidently lacked the proper brainpower to fully understand as she followed her friends over into Burgerpants' restaurant in the main lobby of MTT Resort so that she could lend a soggy web-fingered hand.
"What do you freaking WANT from me, you disgusting little freaks?! For god's sake, guys, I've already TOLD you on I-don't-even-freaking-KNOW-how-many stinking occasions by now that I don't freaking LIKE having creepy-ass social misfits like you populating my otherwise relatively NORMAL restaurant!" Burgerpants nervously and somewhat annoyedly stammered at his new customers (the first ones he'd gotten that day, to be exact), drumming his fingers on the cash-register countertop and contorting his face into a truly remarkable number of incredibly bizarre and grotesquely disturbing facial expressions that he more-than-likely learned from looking at way too much of the rejected concept art for Ren & Stimpy; seriously, even if he had tried, he literally could not have possibly looked any more hopelessly scrawny and gaunt.
"NORMAL?! For Christ's sake, you have, like, freaking STEAK IN THE, LIKE, SHAPE OF METTATON'S FACE on your menu!" Bratty slapped him across the face and yelled at him in frustration.
"Oh, and did we forget to mention the hamburgers made of, like, SEQUINS AND FREAKING GLUE?!" Catty roared lividly at him, slamming her palms forcefully onto the countertop and losing what little was already remaining of her former forgiveness and patience.
"Well, how much more freaking NORMAL can you even possibly GET in a fracked-up place like this joint?!" Burgerpants snapped furiously at Bratty and Catty, gesturing angrily and panickedly at them with his hands. "I mean, seriously, just LOOK at this goddamned place; there's a secretary with a freaking HAND for a head at the reservation booth, one of the many horrifically failed test subjects of Alphys' Temmie-cloning experiments futzing about in the lobby, not to mention a pissing statue of a freaking ROBOT, and if you go and look in the hallway, you'll find that we've even got a fricking PERPETUALLY HALF-MELTED janitor who spends literally his entire goddamned work shifts mopping LIQUID PIECES OF HIS OWN BLASTED FACE off of the floor, just to even FURTHER prove my already-obvious POINT!"
"GAH...I swear to Christ, practically NO one around here has ANY sort of respectable human empathy for what I have to freaking go through every single day...just...no one freaking GETS it...no one UNDERSTANDS..." Burgerpants buried his head in his hands and sobbed deeply in personal shame while Catty whipped out her iPad Mini from her frightfully large purse and immediately began posting his tragic existential crisis to Tumblr, where it was all just a big stupid game.
"Alright, so...Bratty and Catty, your job here, so to speak, is to engage in a proper and respectable female-to-male conversation that ISN'T hopelessly shallow and birdbrained!" Alphys reluctantly and nervously commanded her new students, knowing just as well as anyone that they were both horribly untrained.
"Boy, THAT sure is going to be a hell of a lot easier said than done!" Undyne snarkily muttered under her breath and rolled her eyes while Bratty and Catty glared and hissed evilly at her in response.
"Alright, alright, alright, LOOK, guys; if there's something you REALLY need to talk to me at length about, which I personally can't even imagine what that would be even WITH you two wearing those ridiculously tacky navy uniforms, feel free to discuss it with me at one of the tables whenever duty calls!" Burgerpants welcomingly informed the girls as they each swallowed their pride one after the other and reluctantly followed him to a nearby 1950s-style lunch table that was firmly situated up against one of the walls.
"Alright, look, former boyfriend, of which I clearly have far too many for my own good..." Alphys placed her elbow on the table, propped her boredly leaning head up against her hand and groaned regretfully as his not-quite-so-beloved-anymore cat waifu slinked handsomely across the room, got everyone their own sugar-laden cups of fountain-drink soda, then finally slinked his way back to the table and depressedly nodded his head to show that he understood.
"...we've got a really serious political issue to deal with right now, and trust me, it is totally NOT a parody of the Hillary/Trump election that occurred last year, I PROMISE!" Alphys put her hands in prayer position and desperately begged Burgerpants to believe her with all of her (oftentimes seemingly nonexistent) heart.
"Uh-huh, whatever you say, miss..." Burgerpants smugly retorted with a bitingly sarcastic sip of his soda while Bratty and Catty just shrugged their shoulders, yanked thheir collars nervously and made comically weak attempts to cover their painfully obvious Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump wigs with their hands, almost as if they somehow WEREN'T beautiful works of fine parodic art.
"DAMN, Burgerpants, this soda right here is some serious GOURMET shit!" Undyne generously complimented Burgerpants for the simply astonishing quality of his carbonated water with ludicrous amounts of sugar added into it, finishing her sip with an obnoxiously loud AHHHHH noise.
"Knock it the hell off, Undyne; seriously, you tell me that almost EVERY single freaking time you come to this goddamned restaurant for fuck's sake! Seriously, for crying out freaking loud, QUIT IT!" Burgerpants clutched and growled frustratedly at Undyne, as this was exactly what Burgerpants absolutely hated and despised about being around her; she was just so damned loud! ALWAYS with the noise! Always with the constant, neverending NOISE, NOISE, NOISE!
(However, she was actually being relatively calm and subdued this time, so Burgerpants quickly got over it...only to then immediately bombard all four of the girls with an annoyingly long and drawn-out lecturing monologue.)
"Look, I don't need you to tell me how freaking good my soda is, okay? I'm the one who LIVES(!) off of it; I already know very well how good it is without even needing to flaunt." Burgerpants (mostly) nonchalantly explained, jittering hyperactively in his seat while all four of his fellow customers glared worryingly at him.
"But you wanna know what's REALLY(!) on my mind right now? It ain't the soda in the fountain; it's the dead MEMES(!) in my restaurant." Burgerpants explained hypocritically to his audience.
"Okay, look, pal, we don't mean to be rude or anything, but this isn't exactly the type of conversation we had in mind-" Bratty began before Burgerpants reflexively snapped her massive crocodile mouth shut with his hands and continued explaining his irritating plight.
"Alright, just PLEASE(!) shut up for a second and answer this borderline INSULTINGLY(!) simple question on my behalf: when you opened that big glass door and walked into this joint, did you happen to notice a poster on the front WINDOW(!) that said Dead Meme Storage?" Burgerpants asked his incredibly confused guests inquisitively, grabbing his Marlboro cigarette right off the table with his left foot and lighting it with his other foot as he then proceeded to blow a gigantic puff of smoke right into Bratty's, Catty's and Undyne's faces, causing all three of them to cough and sneeze violently while he just rubbed and lathered peach-scented lotion all over his feet and teasingly wiggled his seductive feline toes at them with delight.
"Oh, I dunno, are you actually Quentin Tarantino in disguise?" Alphys nudged him sharply with her elbow sarcastically bit back at him while he just leaned back in his seat, crossed his legs up over the table and chuckled snarkily to himself while the three girls at the other end of the table began worshipping his lovely masculine feet like the second coming of actual burgers and french fries.
"Alright, anee-hee-hee-hee-way, that's beside the poy-hoy-hoynt! Now let me ask you buncha dirty nasty sluts again; did YOU notice a SIGN on the front of my RESTAURANT that said DEAD MEME STORAGE?" Burgerpants giggled ticklishly from the girls' playful licking of his feet and continued.
"Uh, like, NO?" Bratty and Catty briefly refrained from sucking Burgerpants' delightfully long and slender toes like lollipops and sighed embarrassedly as he forcefully pressed his soles against their faces in a fashion that was both incredibly arousing to them and obscenely rude.
"Well, you wanna know WHY you didn't see that sign?" Burgerpants asked the girls eagerly, tightly pinching Bratty's and Catty's noses in between his big and index toes and causing the two of them to lovingly, nasally, adorably, obnoxiously high-pitchedly moan and squeak.
"Cause it ain't THERE, cause STORING dead MEMES ain't my FUCKING BUSINESS, that's why!" Burgerpants ranted furiously at Bratty and Catty, pointing his middle finger condemningly at the two of them...only to find that the two of them were no longer servicing his gorgeous feet!
"Hey, WHAT'S the big idea here?" Burgerpants growled angrily, suddenly developing an uncomfortably massive boner in his pants as he glanced over to the side of him and saw Bratty and Catty licking and massaging Alphys' equally gorgeous lizard tootsies like there was no tomorrow.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?" Alphys snarkily bit back at him, sticking out her tongue (which was already dripping with Bratty's and Catty's foot sweat) at him as teasingly as could be as she opened up her labcoat and revealed her VERY uncomfortably attractive body to him, hot-pink Mew Mew Kissy Cutie bikini and panties (and glasses) and all; needless to say, Burgerpants was already panting like a hungry dog and bleeding a pretty good amount from his nose.
"Alright, so...anyway, from the looks of things, I'm seriously starting to think we, as film-makers, could actually very legitimately have the next Uma Thurman on our feet, I mean hands here!" Burgerpants nervously explained, tugging on his collar in helpless terror as Alphys shooed her pathetic, disgusting foot slaves away like the filthy, unwashed little vermin that they were and glared at him in literally THE most soul-piercingly teasing (and quite probably sexually suggestive) fashion imaginable, already knowing for a fact EXACTLY who he was.
"Alright, snap out of it and listen up, pal; what WE as POLITICIANS have currently got on our hands right now is THIS: you see, I'm pretty sure that almost every Underground citizen not living in Snowdin already knows very well how utterly broken and corrupt the nation's current political system really is when you break it down into its individual cogs and gears." Alphys interlocked her hands together in a remarkably clichéd manner and explained, trying desperately this time not to accidentally work up too big of a fuss.
"Therefore, you see, there are certain things that we have the time, patience and energy to deal with right now, as well as some other things that we DON'T; one particularly PERFECT example of the latter category, my friend, would be whatever the hell you've been blabbering on about for the past several MINUTES of our stinking LIVES!" Alphys hypocritically ranted at Burgerpants as she gently, sneakily placed her left foot atop the crotch area of Burgerpants' (well) pants and began sensually stroking it like a fluffy little kitten underneath the table.
"Um, Alphys? May I kindly ask what you've got hidden behind your back right now?" Bratty asked Alphys curiously while the adorably shy girl was busy feigning her innocence in the most deliberately unconvincing fashion imaginable by loudly whistling the climax segment of Bohemian Rhapsody and crossing her arms behind her back as comically suspiciously as she possibly could, all but literally adorning herself with a lustrously glowing, sharply arrow-pointing, blisteringly bright-red "secretly giving her ex-boyfriend a footjob underneath the table" label.
"Oh, nothing!" Alphys shrugged her shoulders and teasingly winked at Bratty and Catty, wiggling her left big toe in flawlessly timed homage to one of Tarantino's most famous movies as Burgerpants moaned and cried loudly with pleasure, leaving a disgustingly gigantic dripping stain in his pants and collapsing unconsciously across his seating row while Alphys cradled him in her lap and gently, lovingly stroked his fluffy little head (no, not THAT head, you disgusting sickos) with feelings of suddenly rudely reawakened infatuation far beyond human measure.
"Um, okay, so...from what I can, like, gather and stuff, you and Undyne need to, like, train us into the absolute awesomest, like, presidents we can, like, be so that we can, like, eventually overthrow our ridiculously, like, outdated and obsolete monarchial government system and bring, like, happily-ever-after presidential peace to the Underground and junk, am I right?" Bratty gently clutched her head in her hands in profound mental exhaustion and asked Alphys flatly, very seriously not wanting to get herself into yet another fight.
"Correctamundo, my friend! Now TELL me, you spoiled little shits; what's the FIRST thing we need in order to make this seemingly far-fetched dream of ours come true and get your slutty, sorry asses printed onto flashy electoral banners?" Alphys filed her nails nonchalantly and asked Bratty, Catty and Undyne in an almost despicably arrogant and cock-sure manner.
"OF COURSE! MONEY! LOADS OF IT!" Undyne triumphantly yelled at the tops of her lungs in sudden realization; so loudly, in fact, that her voice literally shattered every single window in the entire eating station.
"Now tell me, femme fatales; what's the quickest and easiest way for us to get such a thing at the moment besides my wonderful scientific body, I mean inventions?" Alphys asked her companions smugly, fluttering her eyelashes adorably at them and eyeing the nearby cash register with almost unspeakably malicious intentions.
"WHAT?! NO WAY, JOSÉ! You know for a fact that we would NEVER do such an utterly lowly and deplorable thing!" Bratty and Catty yelled almost robotically at her in absolute disgust rivaled only by that of their king.
"Alphys, I've known you for an almost EXCRUCIATINGLY long freaking time, and one thing I can definitely tell you for sure is that the Alphys I know would NEVER resort to such sickeningly scummy and detestable crimes as-" Undyne began furiously, ham-fistedly chewing her out before Alphys grabbed the metaphorical zipper on her mouth and literally zipped it right shut so that she could continue showering her loyal servants with positively obscene amounts of pure, unadulterated psychopathic sass.
"Look, we have EXCRUCIATINGLY taxing and urgently serious economic and political matters to deal with right now; shut your whore pie-hole right this instant, if you would please kindly confide." Alphys hissed angrily in Undyne's ear, pulling out her mind-reading remote from her pocket and sticking the antenna right up said ear to pick up signals from her brain so that she could prove how utterly immoral and impure the fish lady's current thoughts at the moment really were deep down inside.
"See? You totally want to steal your way up from rags to riches too, don't lie!" Alphys laughed increasingly evilly as she sexily slithered over like an adorable little (venomous, hissing, fork-tongued) weeaboo snake to where Bratty and Catty were sitting so that she could do the exact same thing to them, only to find that both of their minds literally had their own individual, full-fledged Twitter feeds!
"Man, if you think THIS is awkward, wait until you hear THIS!" Alphys cackled mischievously as she forcefully shoved the antenna right up Catty's ear and then (just to prove her point about how amazingly stupid and scatterbrained Bratty and Catty really were) proceeded to slowly but surely extend it the rest of the way through the inside of her head and straight out her other ear.
"Wow, it sure isa real good thing I don't have any eardrums or inner ear structures in the first place, ain't it?" Catty laughed nervously to herself and coughed up a massive hairball from her throat, drumming (get it?) her fingers together as Alphys retracted the antenna from her ears and cleaned off the putrid slimy wax from them with the corner of her lab coat.
"Umm...you do know that that's not even REMOTELY a good thing, right?" Alphys sighed, facepalming herself in disappointment as she inchednover to where Bratty was sitting and shoved the antenna right up her nose.
"Man, if you think THIS is awkward and embarrassing, just wait until I shrink myself to itty-bitty little bug size, crawl in there just like what happens in nearly every single fucking one of this writer's actually good fanfics and spread photographically proven news of this event all over Twitter and Tumblr...or you could just follow through with the plan, you know! Tell me; what'll it be? Public humiliation or silent killing?" Alphys curiously (yet disturbingly threateningly) asked her friends with a frighteningly domineering look in her eyes, unbearably and undeniably eager to make a quick shilling.
"Our minds have been expanded." Bratty, Catty and Undyne all said robotically as Alphys used the alternative function of her mind-reading device to pull some very important strings deep within their brains and turn them into greedy, sadistic, sociopathic killer rabbits just like her; sure enough, her diabolical plan was already falling perfectly into place and going exactly as writ!
