Chapter 2

JE's characters, my fun.

I don't really remember the drive home from Ranger's apartment. How can you drive for that long and not be aware of what is going on around you? I guess the Merry Men would tell me to be more aware of my surroundings. Scary. Doesn't matter anyway, all I want to do is forget everything. Everything about today, about Leah…oh God, this really hurts.

Rex is always so content with his life: Eat, sleep, and repeat. I just keep screwing up everything I touch. I had Ranger. He wanted me and was willing to give me everything that he could give. I still do not know what that was, but I was willing to go for it. All I needed was a little time to get myself together. I did not want to rebound after Joe and not have all my emotions in line. Ranger was too important to mess up. I thought he would be there when I came back. It's not fair! Ranger never did relationships

…and within 2 months, he has a woman in his life. Shit!

I wonder how he makes love to her. Does he kiss her as he kissed me? Does he hold her and look into her eyes like he did with me? Oh god, I need to stop this. Now I am starting to cry again. There isn't anyone to help me because no one can do this but me. God, my head hurts!

Maybe I need to eat, get some sleep and start over tomorrow. Who knows, maybe she will be hit by a truck and the problem will be solved. Oh God, I am going to hell for sure with that thought. I wish I could hate her, but she is probably nice and it isn't her fault that there was something about her that attracted Ranger. There isn't any question about what attracted her to Ranger. I'm surprised he ever wanted me. I wonder if he breathes on her neck when he comes up behind her? Does she know he is around before he speaks?

I cannot stop thinking about this. I feel sick. Maybe a shower will help me relax and get some sleep. I have to go to RangeMan tomorrow and get some work done. Oh joy, that should be agonizing.

The harder I try to sleep, the more awake I am. Maybe if I sit on the fire escape and get some air it will help me relax. I hope that there are not any crazies out at 2:00 in the morning. With me, you never know.

The air feels warm and comforting at this time of night, no sounds, no people…just what I want. I wonder if Ranger is alone, or if Leah is with him. Ranger told me I was the only woman that had ever been in his bed in the apartment. Guess that isn't true anymore. I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else. Those sheets, the shower…the shower gel…oh no! That isn't fair! That's my shower gel to use at Ranger's!

How did he handle me going back to Joe all those times? I know he could tell by the look on my face all the times I had been freshly …, well anyway, he could tell. That had to have been so hard. I was such a fool. Even though he was the one that would start the stolen kisses and so on, I did not make much of an effort to avoid them. My actions told him how I felt, but then I would turn around and go to Joe. It hurts to be on the other side of this mess. I do not have the emotional control he has. If I feel it, it shows on my face.

I guess I will get a shower and get ready for work. If I can't sleep, at least I can get an early start at work. I definitely need to make a stop at the donut shop this morning. And, just to be bad, I am going to take the bag into work with me and eat them in my cube. I could always get extras and give them to the guys in the control room. It is a big no, no, but I have to get a relationship going with these guys again. These last 3 months have not been normal. I want my Merry Men back. And, if Ranger catches me with donuts, I will do the runs or gym work…no problem.

Well, Ranger's Porsche is here. Wonder what "she" drives. Nope, not going there right now! Breathe, breathe. There is the camera. "Hi, guys." I know they can't hear me, but that and a finger wave should do it. Now to the control room and my guys.

"Hey, guys! Long time, no contact." I know they understand what I mean, they had to miss me too.

"Steph, great to see you back! Ranger isn't here this morning, but he will be back around noon." Tank is so sweet and he knows so much about what is going on. I really feel like I could use him to help me get Ranger back, but I wouldn't do that. I am not going to pump him for information. This will have to be done the old fashion way. No high tech insider information!

Cal just looked at me and smiled. He is the only one that had been working with me all those months. He is such a great guy, and if it wasn't for how I feel about Ranger, I probably would have been tempted to test the waters with Cal. The more I think about it, who would not want to do every one of them! I am a bad girl!

"I brought you some contraband. Thought that would help break the ice and get us back into our old ways. I am glad Ranger is not here. I need to be honest with you guys, and all the rest of the Merry Men. Ranger and I are not sure where we stand with each other. I know about Leah and that is all I know. Not how serious they are, nothing. I don't want to involve any of you in this, so I am going to try really hard not to let all this get in the way of our friendship and our working relationship."

I can feel tears starting to pool around the edges of my eyes. Cal and Tank can tell I am going to cry and they both get up to come over to me.

Tank takes me in his arms and holds me.

"Steph, I will be here any time you need to talk. Ranger doesn't need to know everything that goes on that isn't RangeMan business."

"Yeah, Steph, no problem here. Our personal time is exactly that. In fact, maybe we should go out tonight and get some pizza and drinks. Celebrate your return to the Merry Men. It is up to you if you want Ranger there."

"No, no Ranger. I just need to start getting my head back on straight and figure out where I am going from here. Thanks guys. Love ya! How about 7:00 at Pino's? Bring anyone with you that isn't working."

"Now, let's eat. If he comes back early we will all be in the gym working this off!" Yummy! Nothing like a good donut to get a girl back on her feet. The guys are doing a pretty good job of scarifying them down, too.

"Well, guys, guess I better get to work. See you at 7:00." I am so excited. I actually get to go out and do something fun and there are no strings attached. No thinking about broken hearts tonight, just pizza, beer and hot men!

Tank seems to be thinking for a minute. As if he wants to tell me something. "Oh, Steph, I should probably tell you this before you find out on your own. Leah is going to be here this morning working in the control room with Hal. Just wanted to give you a heads-up." Tank has my back. Nice to know.

"Thanks for the info."

Now what am I going to do. She will be watching me for most of the day, but I will not see her. Not fair, so not fair! Well, I could give her a show, but that would not be good. I will just work and leave. No news there to travel back to you-know-who.

I need music to distract that part of my mind that keeps playing the same thing repeatedly…Ranger, love, sex, Leah…help me stop! Godsmack will help get me started. Hmm, oh yes, definitely need "Whatever." The words are so close to being perfect to how I feel sometimes. Loud, needs to be loud. Good thing I have an Ipod and headset. There, now I feel better.

I can't believe it is 5:00 already. Time to go and get ready for my date with multiple hot men. Yum. Should be fun, even though it is completely platonic! Tank said Ranger would be back around noon. I am glad he did not come see me. For all my bravado, I am just not ready to talk to him. Tears are just right below the surface and it would not take anything to get them started. His voice would do it. His eyes would do it. Hell, just about anything could get me tearing up!

Well, I made it all the way to the car without seeing Ranger or Leah. All around, a good day! Oh no, please do not let this happen now. I can feel him.

"Babe."

"Ranger." I can do this one word thing, too. Except I want to add about 100 words to it, like take me back, leave her, blah, blah, blah.

"I just got back this afternoon and I didn't have time to come talk to you. Are you o.k.?"

"Yeah, I guess. I am not going to lie to you, it is hard, but I am a tough girl. The guys will help cheer me up tonight."

"What "guys?" Ranger did that eyebrow thing.

"Some of the Merry Men are going to Pino's with me for pizza and beer. I need them back in my life. The last 3 months have been hard and I did not have any contact with most of them the whole time. This will get us back on track. They are my friends. I need them. I would invite you, but it is best if you are not there. I wouldn't have much fun." Oh crap, that was brutally honest. Did I really say that?

"Oh, and Ranger, please don't call me Babe anymore. That name was special and meant something emotional. That is all gone now. Just call me Steph or Stephanie. Hearing Babe is just too hard for me. Babe kind of meant you loved me and we both know that isn't true anymore." Tears are starting to roll down my cheeks and wiping them off isn't working too well. I can tell I am on the verge of an all out sob attack. I can feel my shoulders start to shake and my hands are just rolling over top of each other. I need to go before I get sick.

"Steph, please don't do this. I don't want to see you like this." Ranger put his arms around me and held me tight. He gently rubbed my back with his hands and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. I did not want to move from that spot or that moment.

I pulled away from him and looked up into his eyes, tears still flowing down my face.

"I umm, I need to go now. This hurts too much and I cannot do anything about it. You touching me just makes it worse because I know there is not anymore of that to follow. Every time I see you, think of you, or hear your name, all I can think about is you holding Leah and looking at her, and kissing her and making love to her. This is almost more than I can handle. Goodbye, Ranger." His eyes were frozen on my face as I turned to get into my car. He did not try to stop me. I do not think he knew what to do at that moment, either.

How did I get home? I really don't remember anything about the trip home. All I thought about was Ranger and all the things I want to say to him. Oh god, I am not going to make it through all this.

I need a nap and then some pizza and beer will get me going again. I just have to learn to live in a different world now. Everything I knew before is gone. I do not know what to do now. It does not matter how many people you have there for you, if that one person is not in your life, nothing is right.