The Hero sighed, annoyed. He'd been walking for several minutes through this wood, and he'd yet to run into another soul. This was, bar none, the worst hallucination he'd ever had. Even worse than that time he'd tried the blue mushroom and spent hours declaring that he was the Wasp Queen.

As if in answer to his waning patience, a figure bedecked in chainmail stepped out from behind a tree that looked far too small to hide his massive frame. A gigantic sword was strapped to his back in a leather baldric. The Hero tried to remember where he'd seen it before, before he recalled the sword in the stone that overlooked the temple of Avo. It was the very same: the Harbinger.

"It's about time someone showed up," the Hero said snarkily in greeting. "I was about to turn around and head back to reality."

The metal-encased man snorted loudly. "As if you knew how."

"Hey now," the Hero objected. "Aren't you me, sort of? No need to go insulting yourself like that."

Loud, raucous laughter greeted him, though it didn't come from the man standing before him. The Hero turned, and came face to face with two people who were almost exact replicas of himself, one dressed in bandit gear and the other bare-chested to show off a rather neat golden tattoo, and wearing a truly monstrous purple felt hat. The bandit jumped into the conversation with, "No, you'll be hanging around until you realize some sort of profound self-truth. A bloody revelation, you know? That's how these things work."

The Hero put a hand over his face, feeling oddly embarrassed. "Okay, what are you guys supposed to be?"

"Hood, at your service," the bandit Hero said. "I'm the head of the biggest bandit gang in all of Albion. Co-head, I guess, me and Twinblade and Theresa."

"So, you're what... evil?"

"Nah. Just larcenous. I made them quit that kidnapping and raping of the women shit. Way I figure it, Albion has enough goody-goody Heroes to last them a while, they won't miss one more." His gaze sharpened. "And I was tired of being jerked around and led by the nose. Maze, the Guildmaster, Jack of Blades, my whole grand destiny... fuck 'em."

The Hero considered that. "Makes sense. They are some real pain-in-the-arses, aren't they." It wasn't a question. He turned back to the man in chainmail. "What about you?"

"Gladiator," he identified himself. "Current and undefeated Champion of the Arena, Master of the Bloody Sands, and God of Battle."

The Hero couldn't hold back a small grin. "Any other titles you'd care to share with the rest of the class?"

"Does 'Whisper's Lover' count?"

The guy in the felt hat (The Hero refused to think of any version of himself as having that bad a taste in fashion. Not that a man in platemail could be throwing a lot of stones regarding attractiveness, but by the gods, a man should have some standards) let out a low whistle. "Nicely done, chap. Now that's one bird who I never could entice into the sack." He offered a wolfish grin. "She's just about the only one, though."

The Hero did his best to ignore the weirdo. "I refuse to believe you're me." Hood, the bandit boss, nodded companionably and muttered, "I know exactly how you feel, friend."

The man in the purple hat stroked his rather ridiculous muttonchop sideburns. "Believe what you want, buddy, but we're all the same bloke, here."

"The Pimp, at your service." He grinned lecherously and added, "if you happen to be female, anyway." He tacked on an obscene gesture to make his meaning absolutely clear. "If you know what I mean. I'm the owner of the Darkwood bordello."

The Hero just stared at his doppelganger for a minute in silence, before shaking his head, turning around, and walking away. If these guys had some profound self-truth to tell him, he didn't really want to hear it. "Hey!" the Pimp called, annoyed. "I had some truths to tell ya! Profound, meaningful truths!" The Hero flipped him the bird and kept walking. They didn't attempt to follow.

Just before they were lost to sight, he heard the Pimp say, "What a prick. This blows. I'm out of here."

- - -

A/N: I've had this written for probably six months. Kept messing around with it, but I don't think it's going to get any better, so here it is.