A feeling like no other

November 20th 1921

War had taken its toll on the country. Young men had gone off to fight and never returned. Mothers lost sons, wives lost husbands, sisters lost brothers and children lost fathers. Those that did return, where not the same as they had been upon departure. Boys returned men, but all lost something. For the lucky ones, it was their innocence, for some it was body parts and for a selection of poor unfortunate souls, they lost their minds.

Sometimes I caught myself thinking that maybe it was better for the families if their loved ones never returned home, as apposed to these broken imposters. I tried to stomp out those thoughts and they always vanished when I was introduced to yet another war widow. Their grief, ever present in their eyes, never failed to sober me. To make me resent myself for thinking such heinous thoughts. No, it wasn't right for someone to grieve so deeply. For families to be shattered. It was worse to even consider this crushing, never ending grief as a better alternative to these broken men. The true victims of war.

It made me thankful, in a slightly masochistic way, that Edward could never enlist. I couldn't bear to think of losing my son. Of never seeing him again. I see men, no older than him, coming through the doors of the hospital, day after day. The haunted look in their eyes to old for their young faces. Their young bodies beaten, broken and scared, beyond their years. It was in those moments that I was unimaginably thankful that I would never see that look in my son's eyes. See his body that way. I would never have to hear him screaming in his sleep, the most terrible, blood curdling scream triggering nurse to rush to sooth him.

I shuddered, pushing the image of him screaming in a hospital cot from my mind. It doesn't do to dwell on horrors that will never materialise. I had just left Edward at our little house; my shift was due to start soon. Edward was currently entertaining the idea of studying medicine, on a strictly non-practical basis of course. When I had left he had been sprawled out on the living room floor, surrounded by my medical textbooks, his eyes scanning a chapter on measles.

We were currently living in Ashland, in a modest little three bedroom house on the outskirts of town. It was, by far, the most luxurious house that we had lived in yet. As far as the town was concerned, Edward was my younger brother. I frowned at the absurdity of the notion. Anybody with half a brain could see that our relationship was not one of brothers, but one of father and son. I was amazed that no-one had called us on it. Maybe the people of the town thought nothing of a parental relationship between brother or, maybe, no-one wanted to look too closely at two unmarried men sharing a house.

The sun had just set when I arrived at the small county hospital. Within minuets of arrival, I was so absorbed in my work that my mind could no longer wander to horrific thoughts. It was a busy night. Relentless. My shift had already ended, and I was heading for the exit when a timid young nurse caught my attention.

"Doctor Cullen?" she asked shyly. Her heart rate skyrocketing as I turned and smiled at her reassuringly

"Yes nurse?" I said gently

"Err, d-d-d-doctor Murphy would like your assistance in the morgue" she stuttered. I frowned. The morgue?

"Did he happen to say why?" I asked the young women politely

"Yes, he said that there is a young woman down there, bed five I think. She was brought in and taken straight down, a doctor needs to call it, but he can't. He's needed in theatre." She said in a rush, blushing. I smiled kindly at her.

"Please tell Dr Murphy that I have it covered" I said before turning and heading down to the basement morgue. William Murphy sprinted past me as I made my way down the stairs.

"Thanks Carlisle!" he shouted over his shoulder to me. I took a deep breath before pushing open the door to the morgue. The smell of decaying bodies hit me instantly. I always tried to avoid this place as much as possible. It always caused a pit of despair to open up in my chest. All those lives, lost.

I grabbed the chart for bed five, reading through it as I made my way through the long, dank room to the furthest end of the room. This is the part of the job I hated, dealing with the dead. In all my years of medicine, I had seen so many lives be lost. It was inevitable but, it still hurt. Every death hit me like a wrecking ball. Everyone dies, while I live on forever. I didn't look at the body until I was standing at her feet. As soon as I had, I instantly regretted it. My flickered, unbelievingly, to the name on the chart for the first time

Esme Anne Platt Evenson

My eyes bored into the young woman's face, a decade old memory swimming thought my mind, obscuring my vision…

May 12th 1911

I was covering for a local doctor in a little hospital in Columbus, Ohio. It was very mundane work. Just the local ailments of a predominantly farm based town. It was at about four pm that I received a call to attend a young woman with a broken leg. I headed down to the consultation room immediately; it was the most interesting case I had received all day. Sitting on the bed was a beautiful young woman, who couldn't have been older than 16, her left leg resting on a pillow. She had billows of gently wavering hair, the colour of liquid caramel. It framed her pretty heart shaped face perfectly, enhancing its beauty. She held her slender body with an unusually graceful elegance, not regularly seen in an area such as this. Her dark brown eyes focused on my face when I walked through the door. They held obvious intelligence in them.

"Hello there, my name is Dr Carlisle Cullen. I'm covering for Dr Wilson while he is out of town" I said smiling warmly at her. I wasn't sure as to why I had told this girl my first name, it wasn't my normal procedure. Her heart beat accelerated as I spoke.

"Good afternoon, Dr Cullen. My name is Esme, Esme Platt." She told me shyly, smiling as she did. Her smile lit up her whole face, amplifying her beauty beyond belief. Her smile caused dimples to appear on her angel like face. She took my breath away. Every inch of her radiated happiness. I couldn't help but feel my own mood being uplifted in her presence.

"It's very nice to meet you Miss Platt, now; may I take a look at this leg?"

While I had treated her that day she had laughed and told me that you had broken her leg falling out of a tree on her fathers farm. Over the years she regularly reappeared in my thoughts. Always a beacon of happiness in my mind.

And now here she lay on the concrete slab in front of me. She was different. Older. A decade had aged her well. She was no longer pretty, she was now outright beautiful, heartbreakingly so. Her body, though still slender, was slightly rounder than it had been. Her chart confirmed my suspicions, she had recently given birth. A baby boy, who had died two days ago. I stared at the young woman's angelic face, pain shooting through my entire body. I had never felt anything like it. It was as if my heart and soul where splitting in two. Like my body was falling apart.

It was then that a sound reached my ears. The most beautiful sound in the world. A heartbeat. All be it a weak one. I was by Esmè's head instantly, the chart clattering loudly to the floor. My hand where on her face of their own accord. She was still alive. An uncalculated miracle. I stared at her face for a long moment. I couldn't let her die….I just couldn't. It would kill me to do so. That's when it hit me. I didn't have to let her die; I didn't have to loose her.

I snatched the chart up off the floor, filling out the necessary details, my hands flying across the page. I listed her time of death as the moment in witch I had heard her heartbeat. I stowed the chart and gently lifted Esme off the slab, and then, I was running. No-one would look for me, my shift ended over an hour ago.

I ran all the way back to the house, surprised to find in empty. I vaguely noticed a note on the coffee table,

Gone hunting. Ill be home by dawn

E

But I didn't care. I carried Esme up to my room, laying her on my bed. I hesitated. Now that she was here, I was unsure of my decision. Could I condemn her to this life? I wasn't sure. Could I live in a world where she did not? No. and as simply as that, my decision was made. I leaned over her, sinking my teeth into her throat. Seconds later her heart rate accelerated. The venom was working. I sunk my teeth into her again, and again, pushing as much venom into her vain as they would allow.

She screamed, even unconscious she could feel the burning pain. Suddenly I was on the bed next to her, pulling her into my arms. Her body shuddered continuously, thought, mercifully, she did not scream again.

"I'm so sorry love" I muttered to her over and over again. I lost track of time, sitting rocking her. I could have been like that for hours or weeks, a constant stream of apologise and sweet nothings. I couldn't stop myself.

It was like that, that Edward found me just as the sun was starting to rise. He came straight up to my room, obviously alerted by Esme's changing heart or my self loathing thoughts. He flung the door open, causing it to bounce of the wall, his face livid.

"How could you, Carlisle!?" Edward shouted applaud.

I couldn't let her die Edward, I just…couldn't. I thought quietly, looking at Esme's face. Rocking her gently. Edward froze, reading some unknown thought.

"I'm sorry Carlisle, I didn't realise" Edward said softly, slipping quietly out of the room. Realise what?

November 23rd 1921

I sat like that for three days. I was vaguely aware of Edward making excuses for me at the hospital, but he didn't come back into my room. I didn't move my position the whole time. I just continued to rock Esme, watching as her face changed. Her beauty amplifying. Her skin hardening and growing pale. She had stopped shuddering and he heart was in a deadly sprint. Soon it would stop for good.

It was another few hours before that event occurred. One last stuttered and then…..nothing. Slowly her eyes flickered open, no longer brown, but shining red. We stared at each other for an un-measurable amount of time. Slowly her mouth lifted up at he corners. A sight that I hadn't thought that I would ever see again.

"Hello, Carlisle" she said softly, smiling at me. She remembered me! Ten years and hundreds of miles, and she remembered me. I couldn't help but smile back. Her angelic face shone. I was vaguely aware of Edward exiting the house. Esme frowned at the sound.

"Hello, Esme" I replied, the smile returning to her face. A blissful calm spread through me as she smiled at me. She hadn't pushed me away. She hadn't tried to free herself from my arms; she wasn't shocked that my appearance was as it was ten years ago. I looked into her face; she was still watching me, her eyes scanning every inch of my face.

"Am I dead?" she asked me quietly, still smiling. This time it was my turn to frown. She thought she was dead. The words from her chart suddenly swimming in front of my eyes

Cause of death: jumped off a cliff

She had tried to kill herself. She didn't want to be saved.

"No, Esme. You aren't. Not in that sense" I explained softly. She frowned back at me.

"I don't understand" she said after a minuet.

"You are alive Esme. You didn't die. I saved you. You will never die, you will live forever" I clarified, a fierce edge to my voice.

"How?"

"You are no longer human Esme. You are now a vampire. A blood drinking immortal. Like myself. I couldn't let you die Esme. I just couldn't. So I saved you. I have condemned you to a half life, and for that I sorry, more so than you will ever know. But I couldn't just let you die" I explained watching her reaction; I could feel the remorse on my face. To my surprise the heartbreakingly beautiful smile returned to her face.

"So I get to stay with you? forever?" she asked hopefully. In that moment I suddenly understood. The meaning behind my actions. The unknown tenor to my thoughts, Edwards words. I could have sworn my heart was about to beat again, for the first time in centuries.

I loved this woman.

That's why I couldn't let her die, I loved her. She was the person that I had been looking for, my mate, my love. That's why she always popped up in my thoughts, I loved her. I loved her face, her eyes, her smile, scent, voice, hair, skin, happiness, being. Her.

My epiphany had lasted only seconds, yet I knew that I would never be the same again. I no longer belonged to myself, I belonged to her.

"Yes Esme, it does" I said softly, my voice dripping with love as I answered her question. Her answering smile was dazzling. Slowly, giving her plenty of time to push me away, I lowered my face to hers, placing my lips against her own. I was amazed when she kissed me back, her hands on my face. My own hands where pulling her against my chest and tangling themselves in her soft caramel hair.

I pulled away after a few minuets, to gaze at into her eyes. We where both short of breath, gasping for the ait that our bodies didn't need.

"Welcome home love" I said before returning my lips to hers.