Authoress: oh, my…I can't believe how long it's taken me to start writing this chapter/cries/ GOMEEEEEEEEN! College is one of those things where you're either loaded up with work…or you don't remember where you were last night…and having a boyfriend who dotes on you doesn't help matters much…(he's a lil' iffy with the whole girlfriend's-into-Yaoi-and-his-brother's-a-pretty-boy scenario…yeah…his brother is one of those gorgeous Italian boys who's either VEEERY metro-sexual or still in the closet…) So, anyways…this is to Greenislovely-san…/cries happily/ can you believe it…the hundredth reviewer gets a story! See, everyone should review on my stories…you get smut written just for you!

Disclaimer:...cruel people…/sniffles/ do you know what I could do with Kakashi if I owned Naruto/smiles perversely/

Chapter One

Kakashi kept his visible eye glued to the X-rated words of his new Icha Icha novel as he slowly walked through the Hokage's tower. With each step, he could feel the papers jammed into his jacket crumple just a little bit more. There was one certain chuunin who couldn't stand the wrinkled, illegible report. Today, for the first time, Kakashi had purposely destroyed the papers. He even went so far as to soak his write-up in ramen before coming to hand it in. The jounin thought that last act might not have been the best of his genius ideas when he saw those hungry looks on his fellow shinobis' faces as he, and his pork-scented papers, meandered by. Then again, it wouldn't be the first time someone tried to eat him. Since that day, Kakashi refused to do missions in, or anywhere near, a place that made dango…or be near Anko when she was hungry and/or angry…

With a sigh, Kakashi ignored the urge to shiver at the memory of that day and took the last few steps toward the mission office. He waited until someone else (a little genin who must be the new errand boy) opened the door before slipping into the crowded, noisy room. As soon as he stepped foot into the office, the roar of voices quieted down a bit. It was enough of a change that Kakashi could now pick out words and particular voices.

"Asuma-sensei, I can't take a report written on a cigarette wrapper!" Kakashi didn't even need to look up from his book to recognize the Umino's (usually) soft voice. Then again, no one except the neat-freak chuunin would care what you do your report on. Hell, before Iruka, Asuma had the bad habit of "accidentally" smoking his reports. Since Iruka took over, the jounin didn't even smoke in his presence! That chuunin – one tiny, weaker shinobi, scared the crap out of the majority of the jounin far worse than anything else that existed.

Kakashi slunk towards the desk, having to weave through the crowd of chuunin and jounin. When he finally made it to Iruka (not without a few "WAIT YOUR TUR-oh, Hatake-san…"), he thanked whatever God existed that he was the only one-eyed, silver-haired jounin in Konoha. It made life so much easier when people were scared to death of you. There was one major exception, though. Iruka didn't even look up from the cigarette paper in his hand as he waved Kakashi to the side of the table.

"I'm not accepting another crumpled, ramen-soaked report with bad handwriting and lewd cartoons, Kakashi-sensei…" Iruka stated calmly, holding out his free hand. For a moment, Kakashi wondered if he had done the ramen-bath too often this month, then remembered how (it was rumored) Iruka was even more of a ramen-junkie than Naruto. If so, then the man probably could have smelled Kakashi from a mile away.

"Maa...it's pork ramen…Naruto said it was your favorite…and I thought you liked my illustrations of Icha Icha Paradise…" Kakashi replied, smirking under his mask when he saw the faint blush come to Iruka's cheeks. Kakashi's smile only grew as he quickly planned out the rest of his self-proclaimed "Mission: Bed Iruka, Stage One."

"Can I have your report, Kakashi-sensei?" Iruka asked in exasperation as he finally looked up at the obviously happy jounin. No good ever came of Kakashi being in a good mood, so it was only fair Iruka was very hesitant to take the ball of papers Kakashi finally produced.

As carefully as he could, Iruka shook the wet papers apart and started leafing through them. Even with his years of correcting pre-genin papers, Iruka was having a difficult time even figuring out what Kakashi's mission was. Pulling a large noodle off of one of the more readable pages, Iruka scanned over Kakashi's terrible handwriting. His eyes widened when he saw one sentence in particular:

Ichiraku's tonight?

The dumbfounded chuunin quickly looked up to where Kakashi was standing, only the find the silver-haired pervert was gone, replaced by a cigarette-report waving Asuma. "The mission office is closing now…please come back tomorrow…" Iruka said softly, his eyes focusing on the lopsided hearts surrounding that short sentence. The only person that actually heard the quiet chuunin all but flung his report on the desk and shot out of the room like his ass was on fire. Iruka studied the cigarette for a moment, letting his infamous vein become visible to his soon-to-be victims. "I said…"

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE, YOU ILLITERATE GOSSIP WHORES! I'M GOING TO SHOVE THIS REPORT UP YOUR –bleep- AND –bleep- -bleepidy- -bleep- IN ONE SECOND!"

Tsunade dropped her cup of sake when she heard her favorite chuunin teacher. She wasn't aware that something like that was anatomically possible, but if it was, Iruka sure could do it… Of course, she almost fell out of her chair when the stampede of screaming shinobi flooded out of the Hokage tower, some of them pulling papers out of very interesting places. Having a window overlooking the tower's entrance certainly had its perks…

"Hm…I wonder if Iruka-kun gave anyone a paper cut…" the Hokage wondered out loud, thinking of all the new patients the hospital would have tomorrow. A perverted grin came to the woman's face when she remembered that Kakashi was supposed to be handing a report in today. "Maybe he finally castrated that pervert…I should sic him on Jiraiya one of these days…"

Ah, the screams of his fellow shinobi and one very disturbed chuunin…it was music to Kakashi's ears. The jounin had enough sense to flee quickly after giving Iruka his invitation. It had taken Kakashi quite a while to think of a place where the quick-tempered chuunin would be able to relax, maybe even loosen up with a few drinks. Of course, the jounin put those pitiful hearts on as an afterthought, remembering how Junto wrote Mimi that love letter in the third installment of Icha Icha Violence: The Return of the Aphrodisiacs. What an epic tale that series was… Kakashi smirked to himself as he meandered down the crowded streets, thinking about his foolproof plan for tonight.

Tsunade pulled herself away from her window, where she could see the worst-off of the shinobi crawl away, when she heard the door opening. She turned around quickly, grabbing a scroll and hoping it looked like she was reading it. When she didn't hear her assistant's usual nagging, she looked up and saw her favorite, spazzing teacher lean against the door with a sigh. Her eyes immediately focused on the crumpled paper he was holding against his chest. "Long day, Iruka?"

"You could say that…" Iruka replied breathlessly as he pushed off the door and slowly hobbled towards Tsunade. "I guess you heard my outburst…"

"And saw some of my finest shinobi flying out of here with very interesting injuries…want to explain why?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow when she saw the chuunin's face change colors so that he resembled a tomato.

"I…well…I got…an…invitation…t-to dinner…" Tsunade could clearly see how, with each word, the chuunin held those papers closer to his vest.

How romantic! Someone asked Iruka out in their report…Tsunade inwardly squealed at this realization. Whoever it was knew how uncomfortable Iruka would have been if asked in public and she was too shy to ask the chuunin out loud. "So, who is she, Iruka? Kurenai…Anko…" Both shinobi shivered at that suggestion. "Or one of the younger chuunin? You know, Ten Ten has always had this odd obsession with dolphins…" From the raised eyebrow, apparently Iruka wasn't aware of this small fact.

"Aa…it's not a girl…" Iruka replied softly as he sat down across from Tsunade. The Hokage furrowed her eyebrows, trying to think of any older females who would have an interest in Iruka. Then it hit her.

"Oh…so who is he?" Tsunade wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, noticing how her sweet Iruka really did look like a tomato when he blushed. "Hmm…Ebisu? No, that's just too creepy…Asuma, Raidou, Genma…Ibiki…Neji? Lee?...Gai?!" For each name, Iruka shook his head, his blush becoming a more alarming shade of red with each passing moment. There was only one other man Tsunade could think of being in the mission office today. "…Kakashi?"

From the immediate, high-pitched squeal that came out of Iruka, Tsunade knew she hit the figurative nail on the head. She, moving with the speed only a Hokage (or a pervert…hell, they're synonymous anyways…) could possess, plucked the piece of paper out of Iruka's hands and spread it out on her desk before the chuunin even realized what had just happened.

"Ichiraku's tonight? Kawaii!" Tsunade leaned over her desk and hugged Iruka, accidentally smothering the poor man in her massive bosom. Who would have thought Kakashi of all people would be so romantic…or gay?! Tsunade forced herself not to drool over the mental image of two of the most handsome men in the village doing unmentionable acts in the nude. Ah, the life of a Yaoi fanatic was a good one! "So, are you going?" Tsunade asked curiously as she finally released Iruka, who immediately began gasping for air. The young man shook his head negatively. "Doshite, Iruka?! You don't like Kakashi?" Well, who the hell would like that egotistical pervert? Tsunade asked herself.

"Iie, it's not that…I-I don't know if this is just another joke of his…I never thought he even liked me…" Iruka replied, looking down at his hands dejectedly. "I don't want to get my hopes up…"

Kakashi couldn't help but wring his hands together as he leaped up the few stairs to Iruka's apartment. Any passerby would have said it looked like Kakashi was skipping…Kakashi didn't skip, he leaped. He smirked underneath his mask as she skipped - leaped - up the last step and landed in front of the chuunin's door. He had to just about strangle Ebisu to get Iruka's address out of the creepy man. After walking around an unfamiliar part of the village for a few hours (Kakashi was not lost!), the jounin finally found Iruka's street and, with a little more wandering, the chuunin's apartment.

He stared at the door for a moment, then quickly glanced down at the bouquet in his one hand. Buying flowers…that was one experience Kakashi never wanted to repeat. To think that each color and type had a different meaning…not to mention how nosy Ino was being. Why would she care who he was getting flowers for, anyways?

Kakashi slowly raised a fist to knock on the door, but froze when the door opened by itself. Eying the piece of wood for a moment, Kakashi decided it had to have been a draft that opened the door. He slowly walked into the dimly lit room, noticing immediately the large scarecrow staring back at him. If that wasn't creepy enough in itself, the straw-stuffed creature bore a remarkable resemblance to the jounin. It wore the same uniform, a hitai-ate over one eye, a black mask, grey-ish straw sticking up everywhere…Kakashi had to shiver when he saw the mall, orange book the scarecrow was holding.

Kakashi spun around to quickly leave the room, only to helplessly watch the door close, followed by an echoing click. He caught a glimpse of his tormentor for a second before the last bit of light was swallowed by the darkness.

-(kuku…the plot thickens!)-

Iruka stared down at his bowl of ramen, now cold from sitting there so long. Ichiraku's was completely empty…it could have been the fact that the restaurant was closing soon or the murderous aura coming from a certain chuunin. I should have known Kakashi would have stood me up…just another one of his cruel jokes…Iruka thought to himself as he pushed the bowl towards the ramen shop's owner, giving the man an apologetic smile before fishing out a few bills to pay for his uneaten dinner.

"Iruka-kuuun! What is such a youthful spirit doing here all alone!?" Iruka didn't even need to turn around to know Gai had somehow summoned a dramatic sunset (despite the fact it was almost midnight) to enhance his Youthful Crying Spirit 27 pose. "Such youth should be surrounded by friends and smiling!" This time, Iruka made the mistake of turning around to see, what the chuunin liked to call, the 'Run Quickly pose.' Of course, Iruka was too tired to take his own advice, so he was blinded momentarily by that shiny smile.

"Gai-sensei…what are you doing out so late?" Iruka asked curiously, noticing the pink circles that came to Gai's cheeks as the older man quickly slid into a seat next to Iruka. Mistake number two: asking Gai what he was doing…

"Following my youthful heart!" Gai all but screamed as Iruka eyed him oddly. "Ah, being so youthful, you must not understand my urgency!"

"I'm not that much younger than you…" Iruka pointed out, trying to hide his pout. Everyone saw him as much younger than he really was, even going so far as to ask the man (in his late 20's, I might add) for identification when he was out after the curfew for teenagers. Even though that only happened once, Iruka couldn't help but remember the incident.

"You see, Kakashi and I are no longer in the youthfulness of life and…" Gai continued to rant about his realization of his age as though he didn't hear Iruka's comment. The chuunin zoned out, having grown accustomed to Gai's long explanations after working in the mission office for so long. Iruka started paying attention again, however, when he heard Kakashi's name said again. "Kakashi and I decided to end our youthful flirtations and find our true loves! It is the final competition which I must win or I will be forever inferior to Kakashi!"

They betted on finding love? What heartless bastards…THAT PRICK! Iruka mentally cursed up a storm as things finally started making sense. Kakashi thought it'd be easy to woo Iruka, did he? The chuunin smiled to himself, catching Gai's attention (an somewhat scaring the jounin) when he chuckled evilly.

This means war, Kakashi…

Kakashi sneezed loudly, despite his attempts to hold it in. His captor spun around, a broad grin coming to his face. "So, you've finally woken up, have you, Kakashi?" The jounin winced as the other shinobi took a step towards him.

I'm going to kill Ebisu when I get out of here…Kakashi promised himself as he, once again, tried to loosen the ropes around his wrists, but to no avail. "Look, Ibiki…I said I'd et you try out some new tortures, but we've been here for seven hours. I had a date tonight…now he's going to be pissed…have you ever seen Iruka mad?!" Kakashi retorted as he made a final attempt to break the chakra-infused ropes. He slumped back in the chair, pouting underneath his mask when he failed in his last try. Ibiki only chuckled as he studied Kakashi curiously.

"Why do you think Ebisu sent you here?" the frightening torture expert asked emotionlessly, smirking when he saw the gears slowly starting to turn in Kakashi's head. "This is the WASABI headquarters…he couldn't let you see Iruka, knowing your intentions…"

"Wasabi?" Kakashi looked up at the jounin, his boredom diminishing a bit at the thought of making fun of this group's name. "Like wasabi sauce? What are you going to do…stuff me with sushi?"

"…it's an acronym, dumb shit…" Ibiki snapped, obviously annoyed with Kakashi's amusement. The silver-haired pervert had heard of this infamous group before - a team who were stealthier than the ANBU, crueler than Orochimaru…but everyone seemed to let the secretive troupe do whatever they wanted. Kakashi had always been curious about the gang, but he wasn't about to show that to Ibiki. "We Against Sorry Attempts to Bed Iruka."

"You know that's not grammatically correct, right?" Kakashi asked, feigning boredom to cover the twinge of fear he just felt. Who would have thought Iruka would have "guardian angels?" Kakashi shivered in remembrance of what happened to Mizuki once when he was attacked by WASABI. No sane shinobi slept well (unless they had steel underwear) for weeks afterwards…

"…It began as Women Against Sorry Attempts to Bed Iruka…we had to change it after Ebisu, Asuma, and I joined, however…" Ibiki snorted, apparently a little aggravated that Kakashi wasn't in the least afraid, despite knowing what kind of danger he was currently in. He cracked his knuckles as he turned to face Kakashi. "For over twenty years, Iruka has had shinobi of every level protecting him from perverts like you…don't think you're the first one to think he'd be an easy lay…" Kakashi had to quiver slightly at that statement. WASABI was known to be quite sadistic in their tortures and murders…and the jounin wasn't stupid. No one liked him enough to actually worry for a few weeks if he suddenly went missing…

"…look, Ibiki…I'm not trying to sleep with Iruka…I…" Kakashi gulped slightly, sensing his own doom. "I really do like Iruka…" Thank God for masks, or else Ibiki would have been able to see the fakeness to Kakashi's smile. Yep…Kakashi just destroyed any chance he had of saving himself. It was obvious from the glare he got from Ibiki.

"…we're going to be watching you closely…you better not be lying to me, Kakashi…Mizuki tried that once…" Kakashi winced at the sympathy pain in his groin, but was quick to nod his head. Castration wasn't exactly something Kakashi ever wanted to experience…

Authoress:…yeaa…DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO THINK OF A COOL AND HIP /does a Gai-like pose/ NAME FOR IRUKA'S PROTECTORS?!…I was hungry when writing that bit…and WASABI just sounded so cool (and I'm trying so hard to keep this story humorous…I have too many angst ones going right now…/cries/)…their uniforms should be bright green or something…/sweat drops/ yea…I should eat something soon…of course, because I'm such a lazy person sometimes...this chapter is un-beta-ed (I'm sending the chapter to my wonderful betas as I speak...type...whatever...soo, I'm sorry for any mistakes there may be, but I thought everyone would want to read this chapter as soon as possible!...So, I'd like to thank Greenislovely-san for that one hundredth review…and I hope everyone liked this chapter and reviews…see what happens when you give me some feedback! You get a story just for you/waves/ so, until next chapter…sayonara!