I sat in the rocking chair, watching Bella sleep. Every now and then, catching a horrid glimpse of her armpit hair. As I watched her sleep, I heard my name escape her lips.

"Oh Edward, how I love to lick your creamy center, and your oh so nutty chocolate coverings!" If I were human I would have been cherry red from blushing. I felt totally embarrassed and crept out by her gross-talk. Then, something else came out of her mouth.

"Oh Edward, my nipples itch." Ewe. Did she really just say that? Ewe. Mental image, ugh. For once, I'm glad I couldn't hear her thoughts. She was saying the strangest things tonight. Another sentence popped out.

"Oh Edward, I know you like my hairy armpits, they must turn you on." I was disgusted. Her armpits were atrocious.

I got up from the chair careful not to wake her, and dashed down her lawn. I made it home in record time, all the while thinking about the strange events that had occurred at Bella's house.

I walked through the front door and made it to my room. I could hear Alice and Jasper murmuring to each other, probably sharing their feelings. Carlisle and Esme were in his office, talking about how happy they were for me and my Bella. And Emmett and Rosalie, ugh. Who knew what they were up to! I was trying to block them and I suddenly slipped. I heard Emmett's mental voice, still booming.

Yeah! Get some! Get some! Awe, Rose is so hot when she- oh, hey Eddie boy! Me and Rose just, umm…having some intercourse! Yeeaah! Get some MOM!!

I grimaced and wished internally I hadn't come home. But Bella was being so strange. I couldn't deal with her hair, in places where it shouldn't be. I heard Alice mentally calling my name.

Hey Edward! Glad your home…ok listen, I kinda saw you and Bella, and whoa! Were HER pits hairy! Like Pittsburg! Ha-ha. And her sleep-talking! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

She then burst into giggle-fits, leaving Jasper confused at her obvious joy and laughter.

Edward? What's Alice laughing at? Jasper asked questioningly. Before I could respond to that, I heard Alice yell, "FAMILY MEETING!" And she dashed down into the living room.

We were all there in an instant, confused. Rosalie was wearing a bath robe and Emmett had on a pair of whitey tidies and nothing else! They looked annoyed, being interrupted from…whatever. I suddenly saw what Alice was planning to do. She was going to tell them about Bella.

"No!" I roared loudly, lunging for her tiny neck, and before I got there Emmett and Jasper had me pinned to the floor.

"What's going on?" Carlisle said calmly, Esme nodding along with him. Alice smiled a little evil smile and started.

"Everyone, I saw something so outrageously funny I thought I should share, as it would only be rude on my part! I had a vision, of Edward and Bella, and well…Edward was kissing up her waist when…he smelled her armpits!" Everyone was frozen, and then, Emmett was the first to burst out in laughter, everyone else following. Even Esme! Even Carlisle! Has this world gone mad?!

Alice, trying to calm down, then said "And then he told her to put on some deodorant!" They all laughed louder. "Then, she did, and she came back in the room, and lay down on her bed, and then she spread out her arms, and she had a bush of armpit hair!" They all laughed even louder. "And then, Edward was frozen, and he told Bella to go to sleep…and she did!" That was the loudest thing I ever heard in my life.

"Alice!" I moaned. "Stop! Please!" I was still pinned to the ground by Emmett and Jasper, and she wasn't done.

"Then the sleep talking came!" She burst out in laughter, to high on it to say anything.

"What did she say Alice?" Esme prodded. Esme?! You would think she would try to protect Bella. Maybe this world really has gone mad.

Alice walked over to Edward, and grabbed him around the waste, much to his embarrassment, and said giddily, "Oh Edward, how I love to lick your creamy center and your oh so nutty chocolate coverings!" Alice flicked out her tongue like a snake and sneered. And with that, Carlisle and Rosalie were on the floor, rolling around in their own laughter. I was shocked and sickened. Did they have no respect for Bella at all?!

"And then she said, Oh Edward, my nipples itch!" They all were laughing so hard! Then, they all mocked her and started scratching their nipples! Emmett looked the worst. He had no shirt on, only a pair of underwear, and here he was scratching at the dots on his pecks! Sickening!

"And the then she said the most retarded thing ever!" They all looked at Alice as if they didn't know they'd die. Alice looked up at Edward and smiled sweetly. She lifted up her arm and cupped her armpit, "Oh Edward, I know you like my hairy armpits, they must turn you on!" Esme giggled, andRosalie let out a high pitched wail, along with Alice's, and together they broke the back window! Glass was everywhere, and that only made them laugh harder.

They finally released me, once Alice was done telling Bella's embarrassing story. I sat grumpily on the couch while they all laughed for about an hour before things started to cool down. Emmett, still in only underwear, took a seat next to me on the couch. He sat there, completely emotionless. He was blocking me from his thoughts by thinking about how many different pairs of panties he's ever seen. And that was a lot. Suddenly, an elfish smile spread halfway up his face. A pedophile smile. He put his arm around me, and dragged my head to the other side of the couch.

"Hey Edward." He whispered slowly. "I was thinking' you know that you should keep Bella around, so we can all laugh at her." My mouth dropped open in surprise. That was just mean.

"But whatever, see ya'!" And with that he dashed upstairs. Everyone in the room just stood there, listening to the sounds coming from his and Rosalie's room. I heard drawers and the window open.

"NO!" I yelled and dashed after Emmett after Alice told us what he was going to do. I was fast, I could catch up and get the camera and run. I took off, and I saw Emmett running with a camera in his hands! I caught up and was right on his heels. I heard his loud mental voice. Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap! Suddenly, I went flying and was pinned to the ground. Jasper. I growled.

"Get those pictures Emmett!" He shouted loudly.

"I will!" Emmett replied loudly back. And then, Alice and Rosalie helped Jasper and dragged me into the house.