Fighting Fate
II
It's been a little over a half a year since Nathan picked me up as his aide. He mostly taught me to clean and maintain his violin as well as how to take care of both of our clothes. He had bought me a few dresses but mostly shirts and pants to hide my gender. It was after all, inappropriate for a young girl to be accompanying an unrelated older man. It was amusing to see him so flustered and regretful that I couldn't dress as my correct gender around him even after all of my reassurance that I was fine with cross dressing. He even taught me how to play the violin.
I was apparently a natural at it.
Which honestly terrified me more than anything else when I somehow managed to play a non screeching tune on the first try. I knew I couldn't play the violin for the life of me in my past life and the fact that I could play somewhat decently in this life?
In this body that The Musician of the Noah would reincarnate into?
It scared me right down to my bones at the thought that Nea might be influencing my ability to play instruments. While it really was cool that I could now play several different instruments without even learning how to, it was a reminder of what I would have to go through in the future if I couldn't avoid Nea, the Noah or the Black Order.
'Fate has a strange way of messing with the important people.' I had thought after the realization. I dearly hoped I wouldn't get involved in this Holy War or whatever it was that was happening. It was bad enough I didn't stay dead after dying in a bloody car crash of all things at the height of my life.
This realization that I may never be able to escape my fate with Nea led me to wonder if I could even change anything. I mean, it's obvious I've already change something because I didn't end up in a circus to meet Mana. But will this change anything? I've read enough fanfiction both good and bad in my last life to know that things could either go so wayward that I can't predict what will happen with what I know or it could rigidly stick to the storyline no matter what I change.
It was a scary thought, the fact that even though Ellen and Allen Walker were two different people, that it would change nothing. There was no concrete proof that it would stay the same but at the same time…
There was a chance that whatever I did change would lead to even worse outcomes.
That was the most worrying thing. At the very least if things stayed close to canon, I'd be able to maybe be prepared for what's to come. I might even be able to avoid meeting that guardian of the heart, Apochyros-something? I have no idea what that thing's name is. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I knew I couldn't escape the Noah Family. But damn if I won't try my hardest to avoid them.
Travelling with Nathan has been a mixture of hope and fear. I didn't have the best of relationships with my parents or my sister. My brothers and I got along but we were never really close. I had always felt like a stranger in my own house in my past life and it wasn't until I had gone to college that I started to feel comfortable with not having a family to support me emotionally.
It was one of the things I absolutely loathed about being reborn. After harrowing years of emotional turmoil with my non-existent relationship with my parents and the depression that followed because I had always thought I wasn't good enough for them, I had finally been able to stand on my own two feet. I had finally just gotten over my thoughts of not needing my family to be myself. Getting that taken away was… unfair. I've already struggled through life, am I supposed to go through that again?
Being with Nathan… brought me a whole lot of envy. He treated me like he would family. He cared, he hovered, he panics over the littlest thing, wanting me to be as comfortable as I could be with him. Whenever I got quiet, thinking about this new life I'm living in, he'd always try to butt in, try to get me to talk and try to cheer me up. It wasn't something I was used to, having someone worry so much about me. I started wondering if I had been missing out on what a family could mean for me if this is how Nathan, a perfectly good guy acted with a stranger kid he picked up on a whim.
It… kind of made me wonder why he did it. Was it because he was just that nice of a person? Or maybe I reminded him of someone? Maybe he had a little sister too somewhere and wanted to take me along to remember her?
There were so many possibilities and after six months… It scared me to know the answer.
For now, I've settled into a fairly comfortable life with Nathan. We would move into a hotel in a town and he would find a venue to play at while I took care of sorting our belongings and finding something light for us to eat. Then when Nathan returned from a fruitful day of being booked to play at events or bars and restaurants for money, we'd eat and he'd teach me a few songs to play on the cheap little violin he bought me 3 months into travelling with him. He would then teach me Latin.
Which was amazing because I had always wanted to be multilingual and now I can say that I am. English and Japanese in my past life and Latin in my current life? It gave me the idea that since I've got more time in this world, I could learn even more languages. I've always wanted to learn more but time was such a restrictive thing to have back then. I really wanted to learn Italian and French. Mostly because of past media influences but still.
Learning a new language! Being able to understand people who speak different languages! That was cool!
It was difficult of course. Trying to fit in a whole new language into my brain. I knew how hard it could be when I learned Japanese in my past life. But my motivation was there so I ploughed through my lessons with Nathan, which was awesome because self-learning Japanese was a pain and a half and having a teacher would always help loads. It was a big plus when he told me that learning Latin first would help me learn Italian and French later on because the Romance Languages were derivatives of Latin.
There was also the problem of how girls were treated in this century. Nathan insisted that even though I would be cross dressing most of the time, I should learn proper lady etiquette. And while I didn't mind this much because I knew how important it was, it really did still piss me off that women were still held to a different standard here. I've probably already caused Nathan a few white hairs with my independency. I didn't like it when he tried to decide things for me and I knew he found it both frustrating and endearing because he would always sigh and give into me anyway no matter how much we argued.
Other than that, life was pretty much smooth sailing. Which both made me happy and anxious. I was probably jinxing myself but I couldn't help but feel like everything was going to go down hill sooner or later. It honestly probably will but I couldn't help but hope it wasn't.
With the world I was reborn in, absolutely anything could happen. I really hope no one was going to die. Whether that be me or Nathan. I have gotten fond of the older man. He was always so kind and sweet. He was one of the few truly good people in the world. I always thank my lucky stars that I managed to meet him. I hoped to god nothing will happen to him because of me. I knew death and sorrow were inevitable in this kind of world but I hoped.
Life was good. It wasn't great. My arm and my ability to play instruments will always foreshadow the life I might have to go through. But I hope nothing devastating will change the way my life was going now.
When life gives you lemons, you should probably just run the hell away. I thought as Nathan brought me to a circus in town. He said that I was 'such a serious little girl, you need more fun in your life other than the violin'. Which was very hypocritical of him because he didn't need to have any other sort of entertainment other than playing his violin. I told him so and in revenge he shoved me into a frilly light blue dress that ended just above my ankles, tied my short hair into a side pony tail and dragged me out of the inn we were staying in.
I was pouting. I know I was. I didn't want to go near any circus. The possibility of meeting Mana Walker was high if I hung around circuses at this age and I didn't want any chance of being dragged into the -Man storyline. But of course Nathan thought I was being anti-social and dragged me to the circus no matter how much I protested.
Also, I hate clowns. Okay, well I don't hate them but they creep me out like hell. I dearly hoped I wouldn't bump into any clowns or Mana Walker but my hopes and dreams and everything in between were slashed up and burned away when we entered the tent and was greeted by a familiar red clown suit that belonged to one Mana Walker.
I was screwed.
The circus was fairly entertaining, despite my inner hyperventilation. Watching the circus act while amusing, didn't really make me laugh as Nathan had hoped. I was too preoccupied with the thought of meeting Mana here. Nathan kept bugging me about the circus act of course. And I dimly remembered that Mana was the type to bug Allen about things too.
Actually, now that I thought about it. Mana and Nathan shared a few things in common. Their persistence and kindness as well as their accepting nature. Nathan of course spoke more informally with me but I remembered that Mana spoke formally almost all the time. It was a bit unnerving, finding those kinds of similarities between them, but I brushed it off. Some people shared similar traits but they weren't the same people. Not even twins were the same people.
After the show, I dazedly let Nathan pull me along everywhere that I didn't notice when he had let go of my hand and I found myself somewhere at the back of the circus. I huffed in frustration at my guardian and turned to walk around till I found him.
That's when I saw an adorable little dog wearing a clown collar and a small top hat. I cooed and kneeled beside it, slowly giving out my right hand. The dog sniffed at me a little before deeming me good and licking my hand. I laughed and pet the dog's head. I loved dogs. I never had the opportunity to own one in my last life but I remember playing with my friend's dogs and puppies and they were so lovably adorable.
"It looks like Allen likes you a lot,"
I jumped at the voice and turned around, finding bloody Mana Walker standing behind me. I wanted to screech but held it in as I stood up quickly and apologized. Mana laughed joyously while my heart hammered. This man's death was the reason Allen Walker became an exorcist. This man is the one who taught Allen to keep walking forward. Then a long lost thought came to me.
This man was apparently half of the Millenium Earl?
I didn't know what to do or say so I just… stood there and watched as Mana fed the dog. There seemed no signs of the Earl that I knew to be insane and wanted to create Akuma to eradicate the human race. All I saw right now was a joyous if somewhat sad clown feeding a much beloved pet.
"You have a very complicated face, little girl,"
I jumped at being addressed and found two pairs sad droopy eyes looking at me. "Such a pretty little girl shouldn't have such a complicated face! Why don't you give this old clown an old smile?" He chortled.
My lips twitched but I didn't outright smile. The clown sighed and quickly turned his back to me. I watched curiously as he seemingly whispered to the dog and fidgeted with something. Then he turned to me, his tongue hanging out and eyes in different directions and the dog doing the same.
I snorted and snickered at the sight. It really was difficult to remember that this man could be the Millenium Earl with him acting like this with such a human face. I knew he acted like a fool most of the time but seeing a humanoid face and not that cartoonish fat façade made Mana seem a bit more… human?
Something like that.
"Ellen!"
Both the dog and myself perked up at the call and I swerved to find Nathan frantically running towards me. I heard myself giggle a little at the image he portrayed. Nathan had always been super OCD towards his appearance, wanting to appear as a somewhat decent gentleman. So seeing him so dishevelled brought both amusement and a little guilt to me. He must've been really worried about me if he didn't even bother to fix his appearance.
"Where did you go?!" He shouted, worry clearly clouding his voice as his hands grabbed at my shoulders and he started checking me over.
I immediately felt even more guilty. "I'm sorry. I didn't notice when you let go of me and I lost track of you…" I trailed off, not really sure what else to say. I always did suck at apologizing to people.
Nathan sighed but pulled me into a hug. "It's fine. It's my fault as well, I shouldn't have let go of you in the crowd."
I had stiffened a little because I didn't expect Nathan to hug me. He had never been much of the affectionate sort. Sure, he did hair ruffles here and there but he's never outright hugged me before. Slowly, I relaxed and wrapped my small arms up his side, gripping at his coat.
"'m sorry, Nathan…" I mumbled into his chest, feeling like I was drowning in guilt and I could feel the beginning of tears in my eyes.
"Now, now!" A cheerful voice interrupted us. "Shed those frowns or turn them around! There'll be no frowny lines in this circus!" Mana cheered as he started juggling and the dog started balancing itself on a ball.
Nathan and I blinked and stared before bursting out laughing at the clown. Mana did a few more tricks for us before Nathan finally got a hold of himself and asked him to stop.
"Thank you so much for keeping my little sister company." Nathan smile joyfully at Mana.
My eyes widened at his words and I turned my head to him and smiled slightly when he smiled warmly at me. Even though I likened Nathan to an older brother, I never really considered him as such. But here he was, claiming me as a little sister. I felt… giddy. I didn't have a family in this life. And the family I had in my last life… We didn't have the best of relationships. But I cared for Nathan, I realized. In the months we've been travelling, I've started to let Nathan into my heart. I got attached to this travelling violinist who took me in when I had no where to go.
It left me feeling so overjoyed at maybe finally having a family I could bond with. But it also left me feeling terrified for the future.
It was a couple of days later that Nathan and I came back to the circus. We were leaving town soon and I wanted to say good bye to Mana and little Allen. I flushed in mortification because I had completely forgotten that Allen Walker had been named after Mana's dog. I knew my memory wasn't great. And I knew I would forget the smaller details as time passed on but it was still a bit frustrating.
How was I supposed to plan for things if I couldn't remember them? I could try to write them down but I didn't want to risk Nathan finding it. I didn't know enough of Latin or remember much of Japanese to write them down. Trying to write it all in code would be troublesome and time consuming and with Nathan not wanting to leave me on my own for more than a few hours, would be impossible.
The most I could do is hope my memory wouldn't deteriorate too much and I could still remember important events as I got older. I don't think I would ever forget about Nea with the constant reminders I had but it was the smaller things that didn't have a direct connection with the Noah inside me that I worried about forgetting. There was no telling at this point of time if I would be involved in future events or I would somehow manage to successfully avoid it.
Right now though, it seems like fate really wanted me to follow in Allen Walker's footsteps because Nathan and I stumbled upon Mana kneeling down in front of a newly finished grave.
I knew it would happen. I knew that the little doggy Allen would die but… Seeing it now, I wished I could have done something. I didn't know what exactly killed doggy Allen but I knew it died cruelly.
I felt Nathan lay a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. Probably in comfort. After all, I had gushed about how cute doggy Allen was for the last couple of days. Watching Mana kneel in front of the grave made me wonder if he truly felt this lost.
There were several theories going around on who 'Allen' really was in my past life. The series was incomplete after all and it was only recently that it was implied that there could be a completely different 'Allen' involved in the storyline. One of my favoured ones was of 'Allen' being a dear friend to Mana and Nea and when 'Mana' supposedly went insane after Nea's death, he had picked up a dog and named him 'Allen' after his friend.
I wondered if Mana was sane enough to realize what was going on.
I shook my head from depressing thoughts. I could think about it later. When we weren't in front of a grave of a very much beloved dog.
I came forward till I was beside Mana and knelt down beside him, clasping my hands in a prayer. It wasn't that I believed in God or anything. But I felt like I should wish for a safe journey? And hope that doggy Allen won't ever find himself awake again in another world like I did. I didn't know if reincarnation included animals, but it could be possible.
"My, my~ Aren't you a kind one?" Mana mused in an amused tone.
"I don't really believe in God at this point. But if there is one, it'll hopefully have enough mercy to not let it suffer more in death," I muttered as I turned to him. "What was its name?"
"Allen." Mana replied. I heard Nathan shuffle back and I assumed he probably went somewhere to give us privacy. Why he would, I have no idea. But I guess he thought I wanted to grieve for the dog I never really got to know.
We stayed in silence for a bit more before I awkwardly started talking. "Aren't you sad?"
"I'm so sad I wanna die." Mana replied and I spun my head to see him hanging from the tree with a rope around his neck.
My eyes widened in alarm. "What the hell are you doing?!" I cried, standing up quickly and raised my hands reaching for him. I stopped though, because I had no idea what to do in this situation and Mana had already released himself anyway.
"You see, I can't cry. I wonder if I've exhausted all my tears."
I froze.
This conversation… It's the same conversation Allen had with Mana the first time they met when he was still Red. Oh dear god, please tell me this isn't happening.
I swallowed, suddenly feeling awfully heavy and awkward. "What… What happened…?"
It was silent for a couple of moments before Mana turned to me, squishing his cheeks together making a ridiculous face chanting 'Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter!"
I twitched, highly tempted to throw a rock at the clown. "If you don't want to talk about it that's fine! Just stop making that kind of face!" I yelled, turning the other way and scanning the area for Nathan. I saw him throwing an amused look at me from the corner of a tent and scowled at him.
I heard joyful laughter from behind me then a large hand ruffling my hair. I squawked in protest and turned around to berate the man but stopped short when I saw Mana's expression.
The only thing I could say about it was that it looked absolutely heart breaking.
"You two doing all right there?" I jumped a little at Nathan's voice, still a little daunted.
"Y-Yeah." I replied and Mana cheerfully agreed with me.
Nathan eyed us dubiously but nodded in acceptance. "So I'm guess you're not going to stay with this circus any longer?"
"Hmm yes, probably. I make more money working as a travelling clown anyway." Mana mused, twirling a little.
"We're leaving as well." Nathan smiled. "Why not leave together? It's more fun to travel with more people anyway. And maybe you can help me shove some manners into her." He joked, ruffling my hair.
"I'm perfectly polite." I huffed, even though I was half-way panicking inside. Travelling with Mana? Is this the world's way of saying there's nothing I can do to change my fate?
"Hmm, well the more the merrier I suppose." Mana hummed with a nod. "And manners are important, little girl." He smiled and I swear I saw a hint of sadistic amusement in his eyes.
'Joy.' I thought depressingly at the thought of two people trying to shove etiquette down my throat. 'Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.'
Mana is such a difficult character to write. There isn't much material given on his personality as Allen's father figure so I took some liberties. On the other hand, creating Nathan was a joy. I didn't realise how similar his personality was to Mana until I got to the part where they met lol. Complete accident but I'm not going to change it now.
There's gonna be a whole lot of family fluff in the next chapter. If you've got a particular idea for family scenes between Mana, Nathan and Ellen please do tell me.
