"Ya ready?" Daryl asked, slinging the backpack over his shoulder. He double-checked his crossbow and bolts before taking one last look around.
Carol closed the barn door softly behind her and nodded. "Just feels a bit weird leaving everyone."
Daryl shuffled his feet. "We don' have to go," he reminded her. It was her decision - he was doing all of this for her. "We can stay."
She shook her head firmly. "No, I can't. I can't handle the look Rick gives me when I'm around Judith and Carl. I broke his trust a long time ago. I think it's best if I move on."
He grunted. "Best head out now." He looked up at the sky through the trees. "Storm's comin'."
Carol took up her rifle and followed him through the thicket. "Where are we going?"
"Dunno," he shrugged. "Just away from this place."
"Daryl?"
He stopped and turned. "Yeah?"
"Thanks."
He shrugged and continued on. "Ain't nothin'."
Ain't nothin'.
They were friends. It's what they did for one another.
The storm still raged on but not nearly as thunderous and dangerous as the previous hour. Soon after it nearly separated them a second time, Daryl decided they take a chance and stop running. Exhaustion creeping into their bones, they agreed it was an idea. They took shelter in a hollowed tree that was still standing and settled in without protest. It was a tight squeeze.
Daryl opted for first watch though Carol could't find sleep.
He put his arm around her shoulders as they pressed together in the little space. As she got comfortable, he studied her.
She looked so pale and worn out. Her hair was plastered against the back of her neck in both sweat and rainwater. Her eyes were shadowed and sunken with overwhelming fatigue.
Daryl cursed himself. He should have been adamant they at least wait until the storm passed. He tried not to notice her hunched form as she attempted to compensate the pain in her shoulder and now her back.
He cursed himself again. He should have grabbed a few pain pills from one of the others before they left. They weren't in any position to scope out a drugstore now.
The emotions that flickered on his face must've been similar to regret and uncertainty about the whole situation.
"I know we left them, Daryl," she spoke tiredly as the storm around them continued. Had her mouth not been so close to his ear, he probably wouldn't have heard her. She sounded as pained as she looked. "I know there's no changing it. We can't go back."
He bit his lip. Her voice was small and fragile and not at all as he had hoped it would be.
He had imagined her to be free... free of Rick and his judgmental glares, free of the woman she struggled to maintain in the group. He knew this change wouldn't be an overnight success, but he supposed he had hoped a little too much.
Then she quickly added, fearing she had insulted his tracking skills. "I know you can get us back to them.. It's just, we left and that guilt will stay with me even if we return." She shrugged, "Sure, we could make up some excuse, but only we will know the truth.. and how we thought about giving up on them."
She let out a small breath and ran a hand over her face. Leaving Rick and the group was much more tiring than she anticipated. She glanced at Daryl - he appeared to be stewing in conflict as well. "They're still family," she tried. "We've traveled so far with them. We've lost many people together. It's- it's going to take some getting used to... being away, being separate from them-"
He looked at her when she stopped talking. He watched her quietly, his eyes looking right through her reassurance.
Her eyes avoided his.
How could it be, after all they've been through and not been through together, he still could read her better than anyone? She internally scoffed, and here he was, thinking that he didn't know her anymore.
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. "I never truly knew what having a family was about... Now that we've gone," she sniffed and wiped at her eyes. "It's going to take some getting used to, you know. Not seeing Carl take on things a boy his age should never encounter. Not watching Judy grow up. Not-" Her breath hitched.
Daryl lowered his eyes. It hadn't even been one day - twelve hours! - and he could already see this had been a bad idea. "I never shoulda forced ya to leave."
She glanced in his direction at the croak of his voice as if waiting for him to continue.
He couldn't look at her. He was afraid that there would be that look in her eyes that would confirm his fears and only increase his guilt... but she was just so unhappy in Rick's group. And he'd do anything to make that smile come back. "It's hurtin' ya to be away from them. 'm sorry."
"It hurts, yes," she sighed with a small half-smile. She couldn't exactly see the extent of his pain, but she tried her hardest. Perhaps it was her who didn't know him well anymore. "But I don't regret it, Daryl. I trust you. I trust your words."
She reached over and rested her hand on his forearm. "I needed to get away from all of that. You know I don't trust anyone more than I do you. If you say we can survive on our own without them, then we can."
Then we can.
Daryl sat on the tattered forest floor near camp, picking at his bolts. The storm had stopped not two hours ago. He had already been out hunting but it seemed the storm had either taken away the food or driven it into hiding. Now he sat, staring blankly at the destroyed woods, thinking of his and Carol's conversation.
He hadn't been very tired after their talk came to an end. She had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder but the adrenaline of running to stay alive still pumped wildly through his veins.
He didn't bother waking her to take the next watch. She needed the rest more than he did. It wasn't until about an hour before, he had carefully extracted himself from the small spot and tried to hunt for breakfast in a forty-foot radius from camp.
His head snapped up the second he registered someone standing in the corner of his eye. His tensed shoulders lessened as he saw it was only Carol. "Ya sleep a'right?" he grunted.
"Fine," she replied, joining him on the ground. "You didn't wake me."
"Weren't tired."
She pursed her lips at his answer. Nevermind her being the death of him, he'd be the death of her with his stubbornness. "You didn't sleep at all?" she tried in vain.
He shook his head.
They remained silent for several moments.
Daryl chewed his lip as he searched his mind on how to proceed a conversation with her before things got awkwardly quiet. He knew Rick and the others, Sophia, Lizzie and Mika were all harsh subjects to talk about... so was what they went through in Atlanta before Grady. Oh, yes, Grady, so that meant Beth was a tough subject as well. He was running out of things to speak about.
Carol had melted into her thoughts of the night before and Daryl's regrets about leaving. She feared he - the only person she knew who held the most amount of confidence though one could never really tell at first glance - was backing out of his own idea.
She had repeated to him so many times that this moving on from the group would take getting used to but she didn't and most likely would not regret it... She was so sure he knew what he was doing that she didn't think to ask him the same question.
"Do you regret leaving?" she asked suddenly.
His eyes flickered with uncertainty and he picked at his fingernails. "Don' matter what I think," he shrugged. "Only matters if you're alright. If ya ain't happy with leavin', I ain't either."
So, he was going down this route, she thought. She gave him a pointed look. "Daryl, I'm serious."
"So am I," he grunted without looking at her. "Meant what I said earlier.. It's hurtin' ya to be away."
Her brow creased and she curled her shoulders defensively. "I'm not hurting, Daryl," she said with too much force in her strained voice. "What we did- splitting- it's not hurting me."
She grew angry. "I don't know why you keep insisting I am still the poor and fragile housewife you met at the Atlanta camp! That's not me anymore! I thought you knew that!" she bit.
"Well how the fuck would I know who ya are anymore!" he snarled suddenly, getting tired of her constant fronts. "Ya don' say shit to me about what's goin' on. I haveta pry! And I shouldn't haveta do that, Carol." A heavy frown sat on his face and his eyes pierced her. His rant continued, "How'm I supposed to figure ya out if ya can't do it yerself? Ya say you're not that housewife I met, then fuckin' show me you're not her!"
His sudden outburst rendered her speechless for several moments.
Daryl berated himself for raising his voice like that. It was the second time he had done such a thing, except this time it hurt him more. This time around, he had been so kind and offering the night before, and now he had stooped so low as to fucking blame her for something that was his idea in the first place! "Shit, I'm sorry, Carol. I-"
"I know you didn't mean it." Her voice was soft but vulnerable. She looked at him carefully. "And I know you didn't mean it when you were venting about losing Sophia. It's okay, Daryl."
"No, it ain't," he argued with a firm shake of his head. "You're too used to sayin' that, believin' that you deserve things like this. Shit, I ain't no better than Ed for doin' this ta ya-"
Her eyes turned a cold fire and her voice was eerily low. "Don't you for one second compare yourself to him," she emphasized firmly. "Don't you, for that matter, compare yourself to Rick or Shane or any of the others. You are doing fucking more for me than they ever did."
His blue eyes gave away the emotions that suddenly plagued him. He thought of Sophia and her awful death. He croaked, "Ain't a fuckin' day goes by when I don' think about how different things coulda been if I'da found her." He cleared his throat. "You'd be happy."
Carol felt her heart break for how much sorrow Daryl had been holding onto for these past several months. "So much has changed now, Daryl. I'm with you, I'm surviving with you and I know there's nothing happier than that. Like you said, whatever happened, happened. I couldn't save the girls. You couldn't save Beth. But it's done."
His eyes darkened despite her confession. "Sophia's death ain't on you."
There was a slight click in her mouth as she started to object, "Daryl-"
"She ain't," he argued. He put his hands over hers and ducked his head to look into her eyes. "I remember ya told me this after Beth died. I know ya said ya couldn't do this yerself, but ya haveta let yerself feel it, Carol. It's eatin' at ya. And I'm... I'm tired of hearin' ya makin' excuses for yer real pain." He squeezed her fingers comfortingly. "There just has to be a point where ya gotta let it all go."
She flexed her hands and he released her. She sat back and said what she thought he wanted to hear, "I have." She said it with confidence.
He let out a weak and helpless grunt. "Carol, please don't lie to me."
He watched her as his one and simple sentence began to eat at her soul. He feared she'd shut him out. He stood suddenly before she could build her walls again.
She followed suit and didn't even try to look at him.
"We should head out. Find a valley, find some food, start lookin' for shelter." He grabbed his crossbow and retrieved their packs. "Ya ready?"
She nodded silently.
"Carol?" he tried quietly. His heart was beating erratically for fear of upsetting her. His heart was in his throat.
Blue eyes met his.
"It's okay to feel."
Well, here we are nearly a year later and I update... ha ha
Hi :)
Thanks for reading!
P.S. I'm not sure how many chapters in total I'm going to make. At first I was thinking three (one more after this) but now I'm not sure. But I don't want to write a full-fledged novel x) So, be prepared for anything!
