Tried to walk
Chapter 2: Remnants of you
Renji let out a frustrated breath and threw the document he held, it slid across the desk and fell over the edge. He picked up another document, attempting to try anew, only to find, moments later, the page crumpled in his fist. Tossing aside the now ruined paper, he dropped his head into his hands.
He was irritated and exhausted. His body sore from sleeping on the office floor after fatigue had won out from the steady task of completing the never ending pile of paperwork he had set out for himself to do.
Day three, his body no longer under his charge allowed his mind to wander into the direction he'd been trying to steer clear from. Yet, try as he might, he was just too weak and emotionally drained to fight against it.
He stood, the chair scraping against the floor boards sounded uncomfortably loud, like a drill as it bores holes into wood, for ears that had been solely in the presence of nothing but shuffling papers in the past few hours.
Renji paced, unable to stand still, only after realizing he was falling into one of his horrible habits he stopped. He looked around the small room for anything that might occupy his mind for a few hours more. Amber eyes landed on the bookshelf in the corner.
Reverently, a tanned hand traced the stems of the books, just like Rukia had a few days earlier.
He hadn't been able to forgive himself for causing her to worry over him and for bringing about unnecessary tears. Each tear she shed were like drops of alcohol on his wounded body. She had tried to help and he would always be grateful for having Rukia, that regardless of what time could pass he would always have her.
Rukia meant too much to him to let her know the truth that he was beyond fixing. He didn't have the heart to tell her just how broken he was, like a glass window that had shattered after being struck with a weapon until it was no more than crystal dust.
And just like dust, he feared he too would be drifted away by the wind.
Renji rested his head against the shelf, in deep thought. His eyes roamed over the muted colors of the books, he lifted his hand to them again and sighed. The weight of his hand pushed a few books farther back, causing them to hit the shelf's wall. An odd noise rang out in the otherwise silent room.
Lifting an eyebrow, the redhead returned the books to their original state, that's when his eyes centered on an uneven portion of the wall that hadn't been there before. He reached over and somehow was able to push open a small square of wood where he found a burgundy colored book lying in a small dark space.
His eyebrows furrowed as he took the book into his hands, delicately turning it on all angles as he inspected it. It was an old book, the cover slightly ripped, but in otherwise good condition. He flipped the cover open and encountered writing that filled an entire yellowed page.
My fate has been decided, this I have known since the days of my youth. A fate determined the moment I had drawn breath. I abhorred such restrictions placed upon my own life. How I loath the rattle of the chains as I begin to take one step astray, I am trapped; the key nonexistent.
As I gaze at my reflection, there is a flawless fair complexion now blemished with a rose-hued mark. A sign for my defiance.
The splendor of a life born into nobility is just a beautiful lie. Freedom is nothing more than a word.
Renji turned the page and continued to read.
Awakening this spring morning with longing as I watch the birds sit atop the trees singing with such contentment, strong wings to take flight when they please, Kami, how I yearn to soar into the clouds or glide over the great expanse of sea with them.
Alas, I am bounded to this body and to this soil.
I had taken no more than five steps into the garden when I happened upon a most stunning sight.
Every part of my being tingles as I recall, glowing paleness the likes that has only been witnessed from the moon framed by a curtain of lush midnight silk. Shimmering stars, sparkling from beneath thick black feathers.
Night has risen even as the sun graces the sky.
Pink lips parted as she spoke her name. A whisper, soft as the petals of a rose. Eyes, like a true noble princess, betrayed nothing. Shrouded in a blanket of mystery.
As she passed me by, I caught sight of a ghost of a smile play at her lips. Frozen into place, it took a moment to move and as I turned, I turned only to find a single sakura petal floating gently on the wind.
Confusion filled every part of the redhead's mind. He recognized the handwriting and yet something about it seemed foreign to him. It certainly looked like his captain's script, but…
Renji, sat down at his desk and took out a key from the top drawer. He slipped it into the lock on the drawer below and carefully took out a tin box. A few sheets of paper rested inside and the redhead delicately peeled the top page off the small pile.
A yellow-brown stain covered the top left corner, his heart sped up and he quickly averted his gaze to the side. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself, breathing through the pain each heartbeat brought. The page he held may have seemed like a regular document to most, something mundane, but it held more meaning than that to him. He would give up everything for this dirty, tea spilled on page, for it was his.
The last. The last page ink would be led across by his captain's pale hand, while sitting for the last time at the desk in the very last time he'd ever step foot into the office.
Renji remembered it, he sometimes wish he didn't. It was that image that he went back to every time he walked into the empty office. His captain had been working silently as usual, and the man was absolute perfection, his beauty amplified by the late morning sun coming through the window lighting him. A warm yellow glow surrounding him and Renji swore he thought he was laying his eyes upon an angel.
He'd been standing at the doorway, tray in hand, gaping. He knew he had stood there with his mouth open for a long time because his captain took notice and told him so. He remembered walking forward slowly, when those eyes framed by thick lashes looked up at him.
Eyes that should have been gray shone silver that day. And Renji stumbled, clumsily tripping over his own feet, the tray flying out of his hands, tea splashing everywhere.
He couldn't remember how many times he apologized as he grabbed a rag and wiped tea off the desk, head lowered in embarrassment as he berated himself for his never failing stupidity.
His hand movement had been stopped by a firm grip. In glancing up he was held in place by those silver irises, there was a strange look in his captain's eyes, one he couldn't decipher, which was strange because there was nothing he couldn't read when it came to his captain. He'd been about to speak when that dreadful alarm went off, one that brought his nightmares alive.
Renji laid his hand over his chest at the memory, it was engraved in his mind and heart. No physical pain could ever come close to the agony such memories brought him.
He shook his head and told himself to stay focused on the task at hand. He'd pulled the page out for a reason that had nothing to do with that day. The crimson haired captain opened the burgundy book again to the first page and compared the handwritings. There was little to nothing that differentiated the writings, but Renji almost instantly saw the distinction.
It was all in the pressure of the hand. His captain's handwriting held a much bolder appearance on paper, while there was a thinner lining in the symbols filling the pages in the book.
Many would call him crazy for seeing that little difference, but every captain and lieutenant went through that training, so as to recognize a forgery if the occasion ever arose. It was a training he took to heart.
The main question remained, to who did this book belong to if not to his captain?
Renji parted the old book at the middle and read, curious now.
Cold, so very cold… my being trembles from the frost encasing my core.
A hollowness the likes that I have never known has entered my body. I have been ripped from all source of light; I wander in black shadow.
How swiftly miraculous blessings become such vile tragedies, smiling faces into those that shed tears. Those whose voices were filled with joyful exclamations are now weeping silently.
My own howls bearing my anguish are trapped in my chest.
I look down at the sickly pale skin, a hue of green. Her graceful radiance absent, the soft lips the pink of a sakura gone, my twinkling stars now closed for eternity.
I love you, I had whispered into her ear as she took her final breaths and she looked at me with the most loveliest expression, her insides torn, blood seeping through the futon, spreading onto the floor and her face was filled with serenity and bliss.
Yellow eyes now golden shining with gratitude.
I continued to whisper those three words even as her soul had left.
My beautiful angel of the night.
Death, she is like an arctic wind, stealing the warmth of all life forms. She has taken all that holds me together. I cannot think of continuing, I can only think of cutting these earthbound chains, freeing myself to fly with my angel.
As I write this, I am at my lowest, there is no longer any strength within me. I hear others mourning, it has become the music in the background, and there is this particular cry, a child… a very small child. Why will the crying not stop?
Fully absorbed, Renji kept reading after turning the page.
He is small. Such a fragile soul.
I observe the soft rise and fall of his chest, the faint map of purple veins covering delicate eyelids. I watch as they flutter as he sleeps comfortably, peacefully, unknowing of what he has lost, unknowing of any of the cruelty life brings. He is innocent.
I touch a finger to his cheek and he opens his eyes, Kami, they shine and sparkle the same way.
I see her in him. I see myself in him. I see our love in him.
I lay my hand over his tiny one and feel a small smile form on my lips, I never thought my heart would recall how, but he has made me remember. He has shown me that there is still light in this world when I had thought there was only a never-ending absence of it.
We all remain after loved ones rise to the heavens to play near the stars for a reason.
I have found my reason.
He… is my reason.
He is my illuminating glow when night falls, surrounding me, making everything white.
White night.
My heart is still filled with so much pain, it's still breaking as I take in one more breath without her, but love for him continues to grow with each breath as well.
He gives me strength no other could give me.
My saving angel.
I love you.
I lean down to kiss him and he smells….good. Like a Sakura tree…
Renji rose from his seat, book in hand, guilt eating at him. He was almost certain the journal had belonged to Byakuya's father. One that contained the man's inner thoughts and emotions; his entire heart on paper. He felt like he'd invaded the deceased man's privacy, reading words not meant for his eyes.
He made his way to the window, outside he could see the bare trees swaying to the left with a sky the color of murky mop water as the backdrop.
The cycle never ends. We gain, we lose; we breathe and we die. There's never a happy ending, is there? How could there be?
Losing that person, the one that enlivened your world in a way no other could, it leaves you in complete ruins.
He took a breath and backed away from the window. He needed to get out into the open and get fresh air into his lungs before he went completely mad.
He walked back to shelf, ready to put the diary back into place, but his clumsiness never failed to kick in and of course he dropped the delicate book.
"Fuck," he muttered as he bent down.
He blinked in confusion, there laying in stark contrast to the yellow pages was a white envelope.
"Father…" Renji whispered, he brushed a finger deferentially on the word, on a handwriting that he knew instinctively.
It was his captain, obviously many years after his father's passing, addressing him.
His captain had been one who so many feared, a being without emotions, cruel and aloof. Only those who knew him, like the whole of squad six, knew that was untrue. Everyone had understood that emotionless he was not, he only kept his personal feelings to himself and hid them well. All had understood that there was a difference between cruel and strict.
And those who knew him the way Renji had, had known that there were many layers to the man. He was uncovering and peeling back one more layer. While he'd read the diary it never occurred to him that his captain had come across the journal and read all that was written within.
Holding the letter, he was touched deeply, here was his captain writing to a man he had barely known, to someone who would never have the chance to read it, and yet he had taken the time to compose and seal this letter. The great Byakuya Kuchiki writing to his father, who had been dead for over one hundred years, it was too incredible for anyone to believe.
Even Renji would've never figured, yet he held the proof. Now, he was all kind of curious, what would his captain have put down on paper? What had he wanted to say to his father?
No.
Renji needed to remind himself that the letter was not for him and that his reading it would be an invasion of privacy.
He continued to stare at it even as he placed it inside the book. He tried to tear his eyes away and put the book back to it's spot, but his curiosity was eating at him. He could feel right and wrong warring with each other.
He reached for it again, restraint was never a specialty of his. And hell he was missing his captain and wanted to feel him in some way.
Carefully, he opened the envelope and gently withdrew the pages folded neatly inside. Unfolding them his heart leapt up, more than seeing his captain's lovely handwriting was the traces he could feel of the noble on the pages. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.
Father mine.
Yours was a precious soul, one mourned when lost. One so dear to me, my longing for you is endless.
So young was I, I can hardly bring to mind the moments spent in your presence, of the words you had spoken. However, I can recall the overfilling warmth of the love you gave to me. The feel of being wrapped in arms always so inviting.
And though the words are blurred, I can still remember the comforting vibrations as my head rested on your chest.
Your love as I have come to realize would have never judged or faulted me for decisions I have made.
Father, I turn to you while I am lost.
I am mortified of the choices and actions I have taken. I have never felt more ashamed of the person I have become.
I had made a terrible mistake, one that could have ended in tragedy, one that cannot be forgiven. A betrayal of a promise over that of a vow, a vow that I had made; one you never asked for. She has forgiven me and yet I cannot let it go.
How can I?
Her life is precious and I had stood and watched as that life faced its last moments. While her lungs breathed their final breaths. Her lips whisper those final words…
I had not helped her and instead used my power against her, into preventing those who sought to protect her.
Such a disgrace. How far have I fallen from the tree of humanity?
Help me now when there is none I can turn to for I have pushed all away and be the one I could stand with in this darkness.
Help me to become a person worthy of her forgiveness. Someone she can count on, a hero that will raise his sword only to aid her. Like Ichigo Kurosaki, a warrior that will die for her without hesitation.
To be the brother Renji Abarai has always been for her. He who has never failingly put her happiness and well-being before his own.
To become a person worthy of her love.
I envy them, how easily and free they are to follow what their hearts whisper… I remember I used to be the same. Father, help me find that person once again.
With love that has only grown stronger over the years,
Byakuya.
His knees grew weak and he slid to the ground, staring unseeingly into the space before him.
"This was you. This was…you're so beautiful." he whispered then shook his head slightly, "were. It will always be 'were'…now."
I just…
All thoughts came to a hold as he heard the door open and the sound of footsteps coming to a halt.
He shut his eyes, he failed. He was always failing and now when it was important to keep a strong appearance in front of his squad he just had to lose it in such a public place and have one find him in such a weak state.
How was he even going to begin to explain?
Poor squad member was probably scared half to death, here was his captain, one who should be tough and brave, slumped on the ground with shoulders hunched.
"Earlier I went out to train and didn't stretch, feeling the effects of it now. I'm horrible at following my own advice sometimes," he said putting a fake cheer in his voice, hoping it would do.
Finally the shinigami moved, closing the door behind and hesitantly walked to where he knelt.
He stiffened as a strong hand grasped his shoulder. "Why won't you allow yourself a friend to lean on?"
"Lieutenant Hisagi."
"Shu usually did it."
Worse. This was much worse.
"What are you doing here?" he realized those words were delivered a bit harshly and forced a calm to enter his voice. "Did you need something."
"I did, but right now it looks like you need something."
"What? I don't think I look like I need anything." he said careful to hide his reaction.
Shuhei came around and crouched in front of him, and took hold of his chin when he tried to turn his head. "Rest, a shower, a comb, food… caught my drift?"
Irritation flashed in his amber eyes and he let a little of it come out with his next words. "I know how to take care of myself. I don't know why everyone insists I'm not okay when I'm feeling pretty good. I'm fine damn it." He pushed Shuhei's hand away from his face. "You of- wait, did Captain Unohana send you this way?"
"I've done some pretty messed up things in the past, but even I'm not that crazy to go near that woman if it's not necessary. No I came as me and regardless of what you want to start calling me now, I came here as your friend."
"Well you should have saved yourself the trip because there was no point in coming. I'm fine."
Anger sparked in Shuhei's eyes and he pushed himself off the ground and walked to the window. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and calm. "I don't know why you keep insisting that you're fine."
"Because I am, why can't you accept that?"
"Why can't I?" Shuhei whispered. "You forget, Renji, that I've been you. I grew up in the streets, I faced some harsh realities that no child should've experienced, just the same as you. I saw my friends fall to disease and murder as well. I loved hard, giving my all to make it work… that it hurt when it was over and I know what it feels like when you give your trust but people misuse it and make you feel like shit. All things you've face throughout your lifetime, I know." He raised a hand to his heart. "I fought hard to get the position I had been given, and though our reasons are different, I know you bled and sweated to get yours.
I looked up to my captain, always walking one step behind him but prepared to put myself in front of him to protect him from whatever danger. That is loyalty…I know you had that for Captain Kuchiki.
Renji… I lost, too."
Renji bit his lips. "I didn't mean… I can be so stupid sometimes."
"I know," Renji could hear the faint tease in his friend's voice. "I didn't come here to talk about something that should be kept in the past. I came to help a friend face something very much in the present. I told you all that, to show you that I understand. You're not alone."
Renji took a moment, he wanted to keep things the way they were, where his hurt was his own, but at the same time there was a longing to take the comfort that was being offered.
His friends. His family. They would always be there for him, just as he would be for them. He was lucky to be surrounded by so many who cared after a childhood of only having a few. So many to count on, so many to hold, to laugh with, to cry with, family who was there for the better and for the worst. He would always thank his lucky stars for giving him this. He would always be grateful.
So it hurt him that he only caused them to worry more. Guilty that his heart felt incredibly lonely.
He swallowed, his hand tightening around the letter, nails biting deep into his flesh. "I don't know how to explain it, if there is a way to say it… you know I've never been good with words."
"Try."
The redhead closed his eyes in frustration. "I can't do it."
"You won't do it." Shuhei turned. "It's not the same thing. Why, Renji, do you think you have to face this alone?"
"I don't want to burden anyone with my baggage and it's… others won't understand."
"But I'm here, I do understand." The plead in his friends voice strong.
"You can't."
"Stop being stubborn for once. We know you're tough, but we all can see that you're not alright."
"I don't know how to be anything else. While growing up there was no one to turn to, I learned to keep it all inside, holding it inside myself. I faced the pain and healed it on my own. I will do the same now."
"You didn't have a choice back then. Things are different now, you do have a choice, but you're choosing the road without all of us who love you."
"I don't know another way to survive."
"I would hardly call this surviving. Just look at you."
"Yeah, look at me." Renji stood up, so now he could look directly into the other man's eyes. Sadness and frustration replaced by determination. "I am the captain of the sixth. I have a squad I need to be strong for. You say you understand, I know you can relate so you know what I tell you. There is a battered squad who has been thrown this and that way, think of all they lost. They're strong, but I can smell and almost taste the fear that lives in them now, I don't doubt my squad, they'll fight… they'll fight, but damn it they'll keep looking over their shoulders thinking I'll disappear on them, too. They're capable of doing something stupid, each of them because they're as much a fool as I am. Damn, I love them for that. He couldn't have built a more perfect team. He put this group together… he'll always be our captain and I, their lieutenant. I know they hurt for him. They need me." His mind then went to Rukia. "There are too many who need me."
"What about what you need? Isn't that as important?"
"It's not."
"Well, it is to me." Shuhei walked past him to the closed door. "It's hard to help someone who won't help themselves, regardless, I won't ever stop trying. I care about you so much. A long time ago you were the man who filled my dreams, the one I wanted to spend every second of my future with. Don't act like I don't know you or what this is doing to you. I know, even if you never spoke the words aloud, I know… I always knew."
"Thank you for the concern, really."
"I knew you loved him…that's what concerns me."
Renji whipped around with wide eyes, but his friend was gone and he was alone with the eerily quiet room again. He looked down at his hands and saw he still held the note, sighing he placed it back into the pages.
He never wanted anyone to know. They were his feelings alone ones he chose not to share. That he refused to share. It was mistake his for not having realized he'd be that transparent to a man who had been the truest lover he'd had.
He dropped down into the chair and stared at the closed door. His friend was knowledgeable and perceptive, but he was mistaken on one thing:
"Loved and love is the not the same thing."
