Disclaimer: We don't own any body in the Artemis Fowl books. Or the song "Susie's got a Cow on Her Head" We however do own, Kira, Thom, Jadas, Ryan, Mary Sue, TJ, Lauren, Caren, Connie, and Randy.

Look Out America

Chapter 2: Speaking Slang

They immediately called Holly.

"Hey, Holl'. Sup?" Kira asked, happy to be using her normal accent.

"I liked you better Irish." said Artemis. Kira stuck out her tongue.

"OK, let's keep it PG, kids. Now, can you get to America yourselves?"

"We'll I'm not sure I'm even going! And Artemis can't freakin' go! He would never survive that kinda crowd!" Kira stated.

"Excuse me? You could help me. And I'm sure you want to see America again."

"Well, sure. But what about Thom? And maybe our parents would notice if they called the school and we weren't there." Kira said in the 'duh' tone.

Holly paused to think. "He can stay and cover for you!"

"OK, yeah were twins but if you haven't noticed WE DON'T LOOK ALIKE!"

"Good grief. I didn't mean like that."

"How about notes? Call your mom and tell her the school only accepts letters now. We can get Thom to write back as you. We can mesmerize Thom into not knowing he's doing it." Artemis spoke.

"Yes! Good!"

said Holly.

"OK. Then it's set. But I won't be helping you mesmerize Thom." Kira stated.

"WHAT!"

"I can't do that to my own brother!" Kira argued.

"Kira, it's fairly life or death here. We need your help!" Artemis argued.

"The most I'll do is make him come her. Then you do your mezmer-thingy." Kira picked up her phone and dialed Thom's dorm. "Hello?" asked Thom's voice. Yo, get over her now, A's dorm and drop the accent 'cause it's out. Later!" Kira hung up.

Holly raised an eyebrow. "What?" Kira asked.

Artemis was in more shock. "So I used slang. Like no one over here ever does!" Kira said protectively.

"Yo?" Artemis asked weakly.

"Pay attention. You'll have to talk like that soon." Kira said laughing at the thought.

"Yo? I should think not!"

Kira was about to retaliate when Thom walked through the door. "Hey, wassup dudes!" Thom said as he walked in.

Artemis visibly winced. "Too much slang for me today."

"Hey, Thom? Look at this!" Kira said deciding last minute to help anyway. "What?" asked Thom before he became mesmerized.

Kira sat on her bed. "I feel bad."

"It OK." said Artemis.

She giggled. "Are you trying to speak Gangsta? Please, don't."

"Well, I was just trying to fit in." Artemis defended himself.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Kira dissolved into helpless giggles. "It Ok! Ha!"

Artemis gave her a helpless look.

"Sorry," she gasped. "It was just so funny!"

Artemis raised his left eyebrow.

"Right. So, Holly, when do we leave?" asked Kira.

"Ummm..." They heard a few clicks. "Tomorrow."

"Good. Are we unaccompanied minors, or shall Butler join us?" asked Artemis.

"Let's go for Unaccompanied minors. American Teens aren't used to seein' man mountains." Kira stated.

"Erg. Condescending flight attendants." Artemis complained.

"Well, bye Holly!" they said and Holly hung up.

1234ON THE PLANE1234

"I hate them," Artemis whispered to Kira, his 'sister' for the next hour and a half.

"Their just flight attendants, Artemis." Kira said impatiently.

"They call me 'Sweetie.' 'Pumpkin.' 'Honey.' Make them stop!"

"Its only 10 minutes longer! You've complained the flight away!" Kira whisper/yelled.

"Good. It passed the time well." Artemis smirked.

"Once we get off this plane you are no longer my brother and I can hurt you!" Kira threatened.

"I'm so scared."

"Very Funny. But people in America aren't as nice as the Irish. Americans tend to use guns instead of words."

"I saw you go through security."

Kira smirked. She hated it when he won.

Later At Grameans School For Girls And Boys

"-most prestigious co-ed boarding school in America..." Kira tuned out the rest of the boring speech. They had been lucky to find this school. Or at least, had some Fairy luck. Two students, Daniel Davis and Brittlyn Moore had been mesmerized to go to a different school instead.

"To figure out what's going on here we have to gain popularity." Kira told Artemis. "And how do you propose we do that?" asked Artemis. "Well in America there is only one way."

Artemis gulped. This did not sound good.

"Guess!" Kira asked. "No thanks!" he shuddered.

"Please?" Kira used her puppy dog eyes.

"Fine. I have to eat a whole tub of Cole slaw?"

"Seriously." Kira stated.

"I was serious. I saw it on a very strange movie on cable one time." Artemis said offended.

"Dating. Stupid." Kira said exasperated.

"Oh. We can do that, can't we?"

"Well, yeah. But let me just say that we have to act a little bit more like Mary Sue did when she was with Ryan." Kira winced at the thought.

Ryan was Mary's first boyfriend at their old school. The pair had been more... physical then most. If you catch my meaning.

The speech was finally over and it was time for dinner.

"Think it'll be eatable?" Kira asked.

"Possibly." said Artemis. That was there pathetic before-meal talk. Then they walked into the Cafeteria. Which was full of...couples.

"Oh." was all Artemis could say.

"Welcome to my world." Kira said smiling falsely.

"I think I want mine back," he whispered.

But Kira was All-American now. A girl with pink hair walked up to them. "Hey, wassup? I'm Jadas Are you new?" she asked. "Oh, yeah. But don't worry I think we can probably survive. It's not like the teachers are, like, hard! They probably like, reading and crap!" Kira replied.

"Lol!" The girl said. "Oh my Gosh, did I just say that! Too much IM"!

"Totally!" Kira and the girl laughed together and then the girl walked away. Artemis was dumbfounded.

"Um, translation?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter." Kira said. "but you need to act more like a typical American teenage boy!" she scolded. "How do you propose I do that?" asked Artemis smartly. "Look around and copy others." Kira replied as they sat down.

"How!" he hissed at her.

"Freakin''' Look at what other guys are doing and copy them!" Kira said slightly overwhelmed.

He looked around. "OK." he began eating, ignoring Kira.

Kira looked up after a few minutes. "I know who the populars are now." she said. "We need to act like them." she pointed to a group consisting of 3 guys and 4 girls. "Copy them, and were in." Kira said.

"That is so... lame?"

"Totally." said Kira.

He rolled his eyes and went back to copying the 'populars'

This was surprisingly hard.
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To those who think were treating the Americans unfairly: We are Americans. We have the right to offend ourselves. Plus, we know most Americans would freely admit to acting like this.

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