[Disclaimer: None of these characters are my own and this story is for fun NOT for money.]
What if…?
A Sirius Story
I pace up and down my prison cell yet again. Today is just as boring as yesterday and the day before. The guards take no notice of my muttering or sighing though I am sure they sigh when I get to my pacing. I'm pretty sure they're pretty happy today, as I'm human at the moment. I don't have the strength to turn dog. So I do what I do whenever I feel out of it. I think to myself 'what if…?'
What if I'd been the secret keeper the whole time? I'd be dead. At least it's better to die a hero's death than rot away in Azkaban. For a murder I so obviously didn't commit. But Voldemort would still be ruling. Harry wouldn't have stopped him. Well, they do say 'look on the bright side'.
What if I hadn't taken the bait? What if, for once, I'd left the job to the ministry? That so clearly wasn't, isn't and never will be in my nature. I've been rushing into things since I was nine, when I met Malcolm. How my mum yelled when she found out I was dating a MUGGLE BOY of all things. In her eyes, even a muggle girl would be better than a muggle boy. To her I'd sunk to the lowest of lows. Of course, at first, I did it to get on her nerves. But back then I hadn't felt real passionate love. Malcolm was one of the secrets I'd taken with me to Hogwarts.
What if I'd told someone? What if I'd told Remus from the very first day? Well, to be fair, the 11-year-old Sirius didn't know that Remus had his own Malcolm back home. When I found out that Remus was and is werewolf, everything got 10 times better. Oh, I'd always longed for another thing to date that my mother hated. This time, it wasn't just to piss my mother off. Real love screamed from the depths of my soul.
Not even my dear friend James knew. We were in total secret. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, always private. In the depths of the night, in the forbidden forest. As discreet as we could get. I even dated a few girls, broke their hearts, just to through James off the scent. Of course, Peter would never find out anyway. I doubt he even has the words 'gay' and 'bisexual' in his vocabulary.
What if Remus wasn't bisexual? We could have still been together. If he hadn't fallen for the metamorphamagus he called Nymph. My favourite cousin. My favourite ten-year-old cousin. I cursed myself for not knowing. He loves male and female alike and I wished I'd figured it out. If only he was just a normal gay like me.
I see Fudge walk by. We have a short chat. I get momentarily distracted. The newspaper clenched in Fudge's hand had a picture of Pettigrew on it. How do I get that paper?
"Excuse me Fudge. Could I have a look at that paper? How I miss those crosswords!" He gladly handed over the newspaper. I stared at it. It was Peter. How I'd love revenge.
What if I could escape? Yes. I could bloody well escape! How hadn't I thought of this before? Here comes food. I could just turn dog and break out of this place. I could feel the sweetness of revenge. This was the first time I'd felt bloodthirsty since Lily and James' deaths.
What if I met up with Remus on the way? I hope he's got over Nymphadora by now.
Ocean. Right. Am I strong enough to swim? Yes. Good. I'm close now. So close. I can almost taste Hogwarts food. Hear laughter. See kids running about the castle. Feel the coarseness of the stone. Smell the house elves baking chocolate éclairs. Oh, how I pang for the liveliness of Hogwarts castle. For the moment I have to hide in my oldest haunt. Womping Willow, here I come.
1 Month Later
Tonight I feel a tingly feeling up my spine. I hear more laughter than usual. Ah. Halloween. That means it is a full moon. I better evacuate the grounds. More than Remus roamed the grounds on full moon. I find myself in the castle. Outside the Fat Lady. Saying the password of 16 years ago, the last time I wandered Hogwarts.
"Flubberbust."
"That was a password…. Ahhhhh! Sirius Black!"
I feel Peeves coming. I need to get in. Pettigrew lost me 12 years without dear little Harry. He'd be about 13 now. I become desperate. Slashing her. In a fit of fury I did what I had almost done to Malcolm when we broke up, aged 12.
21 Years Earlier
Today I feel nervous. Malcolm called me over and I don't know how to get there. My mother won't let me out the house unless she or one of the cousins accompanies me. There's no way I can escape again.
The time comes and I decide to take a risk. Narcissa taught me to apparate last year so I apparate a street away from him. I knock on the door. A pale woman answers. She nods curtly at me and leads me down a hallway to what must be Malcolm's room. He's lying down, reading on his bed.
"What's up Mal?"
"It's just, um, I've found a boy I'm really into. Not that I'm, um, not into you but, um, he and I, um, kissed last week and, um, it felt good. I love you Siri and always will but I'm devoted to him."
I stand gaping for a minute before I can do anything. I've been in love with Remus for two years but this is the last straw. I feel the anger rush up inside me. I do all I can do to try and stop it but….
"Your bloody stupid if you thought I'd take this easy. I think you're rushing into things Malcolm. We haven't kissed yet but it's been four bloody years! A guy can't be that nice if he's so attached that he kisses you full on before you even know him. I have done nothing but care for you and this is how you repay me? Man, I've saved your unworthy life more than once! Take some gratitude. Well, if I'm not wanted, I'll disappear out of your life. Forever. Trust me, we'll never speak again. My mother will be happy of that. Good riddance." I slam all the doors behind me, nod to Malcolm's mum on the way out and go back home in a fit.
When I appear, I've got no patience for what ifs. I throw my pocketknives at my pictures on the walls. All but three. My friends, my quidditch team and the muggle girls sitting on the beach.
1 Year Later
I finally told Remus today. It's been a year since I broke up with Malcolm. I don't miss him but I miss having someone to hug and whisper to. Remus actually loves me back! He took a vow never to tell till graduation. That's if we're still together then. I feel as though our love is undying so I won't talk of that right now. James, as smart as he is, has not clued that I date boys. I've had a few slips of the tongue since I started Hogwarts. They were mostly about Malcolm. On the train, I mentioned having a muggle friend, describing him in detail. I thankfully left out the words 'beautiful' and 'boyfriend'.
I have a new description for my boyfriend. He's short with average length brown hair and sparkly hazel eyes. He is imaginative and is good at playing muggle. He turns to his bad side once a month. He is rather partial to raw steak and handsome suits.
Malcolm sure, he was hot. But Remus? He's drop-dead gorgeous and overall sexy. No wonder all the girls hang out 'round our spot. James is like a fisherman for girls, Remus is adorable and I've been told by many a girl that I'm good looking. What girl could ever resist us magnets?
4 Years Later
I am this close to throwing a knife at something right now. I can't believe it. Bloody hell, he chose the wrong time to release that stink pellet. It's two days until graduation, our programmed release date and he pulls out. It's been longer than Malcolm by five months. I should have known. Nothing good could ever last this long.
But her? They met at a family reunion last summer. I mean she is my cousin! That's not the tip of the iceberg though! I thought we had a trust relationship! He should have told me he was bi! I never would have suspected in my life that this would happen. My heart has shattered and never will repair. He can go and marry Nymphadora. I don't care. What I do care about though is losing him. I will never bear to set my eyes on him again. My secret is kept till the day I die. I will not confess until I have lasted a relationship for five years! Tears are spilling down my face. I fear I will not go to graduation.
18 Years Later
I am trapped again. This time in my own Hogwarts castle. Those moments I will always regret. All I hope is that they are together now. Together and happy. I will never think a decent thought again once the dementors have done their work, but I hope my last thought is him. I see shapes flutter outside my window. Are they dementors come to finish me off? Is it the memories coming back? Wait, that's a hippogriff. With Harry on it! I have managed yet again to crawl out of a tight spot.
My concerns are all about Harry in this time and space. He looks so much like his father. And acts like him too. Attracts trouble and saves friends even if it risks his own life. Just one more minute and I'll never have to see a dementor again.
2 Years Later
I sit up. I can hear someone yelling in the distance. It sounds like Snape. What is he saying? Harry, at the ministry? Looking for me? No. No. Never. I have to save him. He's my last memory of James and my last close to family member.
Getting there is a blur. I feel myself arrive. I see Harry. There. Fighting. Like James. Looks just like James. I see Bella. Bella lunging. Lunging for Harry. I'm jumping between them. Firing a curse. So does James. No, Harry. Just like the old days. The last thing I see is cousin Bellatrix firing something green at me.
The last thing I feel is love. Love for Harry. Love for Harry. Undying, never faltering love for Remus. And then I think to myself for one last time… What if…
