Meet (Some of) the Ship Girls
Meet the...Destroyer Ship Girl?
*Scene opens with Akatsuki-class Destroyer Hibiki walking in, holding a minigun in her arms, before walking up to a table and putting the minigun on top. Note that she has a light flush on her face.*
Hibiki: I...am Heavy Weapons Ship Girl. And this, is my weapon...hic.
*Pats the minigun affectionately.*
Hibiki: She weighs 150 kilograms and fires a hundred Ammo, custom-tooled AP cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute. ...It cost two hundred thousand Ammo, or a hundred thousand yen, to fire this weapon, for twelve seconds, hic.
*Here, Hibiki laughs rather loudly in amusement, and her laughing didn't sound quite normal either. After that, she looks over the minigun as she rotates the barrel, until she spots something.*
Hibiki: Oh my God, who touched Sascha? Hic...Who touched my gun!?
*Camera moves over to the rest of the Akatsuki-class sisters, who cower in a corner while looking at Hibiki with terror. A grunt from said Ship Girl turns the camera back onto her.*
Hibiki: Some Abyssals think they can outsmart me, hmm? Maybe, *sniff* maybe. ...I've yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet.
*Suddenly an alarm goes off, signaling an Abyssal attack.*
HIbiki: Khorosho. Time for me and Sascha to show off. Come, sisters! It's time to fight!
*As HIbiki grabs the minigun and walks off, the rest of the Akatsuki sisters hesitantly follow after her, with Ikazuchi using Akatsuki as a shield. Inazuma mumbles to herself as she trembles slightly.*
Inazuma: No more vodka for Hibiki, nanodesu. Oh, why did you give that stuff to her, Kongou-san!?
*Scene switches to the waterfront, where Hibiki is shooting down Abyssal planes with her minigun.*
Hibiki: Waaaaahhhhh! Uwaaaaaaah! Ahahahahaha! Cry some more!
*The rest of the Ship Girls look at Hibiki with shock as Yuubari face-palms, while Akashi tries to look innocent for some reason.*
Hibiki: Heheh, cry some more, hic.
Meet the Engineering Ship Girl
*Scene opens up with Repair Ship Akashi sitting on a chair, playing a tune on a guitar. On a floating platform, in the middle of the ocean.*
Akashi: Hey look buddy, I'm an...Engineer. Yes, that's right. That means I solve problems.
*A cannon shell whizzes past Akashi's head, which she ignores.*
Akashi: Not problems like 'What is Beauty?' 'Cause that would fall within the purview of philosophy. Not like there's an ugly Ship Girl among us anyway...
*A couple of bullets from a prop plane wiz by Akashi's head, which she glances at the direction it came from.*
Akashi: I solve practical problems.
*Akashi reaches down and picks up a bottle of Ramune, opening it and taking a swig. At the same time, a 15.2cm Twin Gun on a tripod turns and fires off two shells, which nails an Abyssal hard.*
Random Abyssal: SKREEE!
*Akashi then puts down the bottle and resumes playing the guitar. A Kill counter beside her clicks from 35 to 36.*
Akashi: For instance... How am I gonna stop some big mean Abyssal monster from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?
*A 61cm Quad (Oxygen) Torpedo Mount on a tripod turns around and fire a spread of torpedoes at an Abyssal light cruiser coming up from behind.*
Akashi: The answer...
*The torpedoes hit, engulfing the Abyssal in an explosion. Kill counter clicks up to 37.*
Akashi: ...Use a gun. And if that don't work...
*A 46cm Triple Gun Mount fires on a Re-class, followed by a torpedo spread from a 61cm Quint (Oxygen) Torpedo Mount.*
Akashi: ...Use more gun.
*Akashi stops playing the guitar and listens as the Re is engulfed in explosions, which she grins at.*
Re-class: My tail!
*As the Kill counter clicks up to 38, the head portion of the Re-class' tail lands in front of Akashi, and the 15.2cm turret target's the smoking head.*
Akashi: Like this 15.2cm Twin Gun, tripod-mounted, little ol' number designed by me...
*Akashi then kicks the tail off the platform, and the Twin Gun shoots it out of the air before it hits the water.*
Akashi: Built by me...
*The gun then shoots at another Abyssal. Moments later, the Kill counter goes up to 38.*
Akashi: ...And you'd best hope...not pointed at you. ...Wait, was I supposed to say that?
*The scene then zooms out to reveal a de-armed Destroyer Hime bound and gagged behind Akashi, surrounded by various Gun Mounts, AA, and Torpedo Mounts on tripods, shooting at Abyssals as a fleet of Shiratsuyu-class Ship Girls approach.*
Meet the Torpedo Cruiser Ship Girl
*Scene opens with Torpedo Cruiser Kiso jumping away from an Installation-type Princess after shoving torpedoes down her throat, ending in an explosion.*
Kiso: What makes me a good Torpedo Cruiser?
*Scene then switches to Kiso sitting in the Naval Base's Arsenal, the Torpedo storage room to be exact.*
Kiso: If I were a bad Torpedo Cruiser, I wouldn't be sittin' here, discussin' it with you now would I!?
*Another scene pops up, showing Kiso in a fleet with five other Ship Girls, facing an Abyssal Fleet.*
Kiso: Let's do it!
*With that battlecry, the fleet charges forward, shells and torpedoes being shot off.*
Kiso: Not one of ya's gonna' survive this!
*Scene cuts back to the torpedo room.*
Kiso: One perfect launch, one Type 93 torpedo, one errant collision, and kaboom!
*After that, Kiso takes out a rather large bottle of Ramune and starts chugging it down. A few more battle scenes show, with the ending scene being of the Light Cruiser Princess being beaned in the head by one of what looks like Yuudachi's torpedoes. Back at the Arsenal, Kiso slams down the now empty bottle of Ramune, breathing heavily.*
Kiso: I got a manky eye. I'm a hot, Japanese cyclops. They've got more f-(beeep)-s than they've got the likes of me.
*Kiso starts to drink from the empty Ramune bottle, but instead stares at the camera with a look in her eye.*
Kiso: So... T'all you fine Abyssal dandies so proud, so cocksure, driftin' aboot with your heads full of steel! Come and get me I say! I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the 'ol torpedo. I'm a grim bloody haiku...with an unhappy bloody end!
*Scene switches to Kiso leading a number of Abyssals to an island chain with a chokepoint. Then before the enemy fleet squeezes through, Kiso fires of numerous torpedo spreads at the Abyssals, which nails them all in fiery explosions. Kiso then approaches her handiwork, and gives a grin at one of the sinking destroyers.*
Kiso: Oh, they're gonna have weld you back together...in hell!
Meet the Fastest Ship Girl
*Scene opens up to two fleets of destroyers looking at an Abyssal supply base from behind some rocks. The leader of the first fleet, Shimakaze, motions with hand-signals to the leader of the second fleet, Amatsukaze. After a few moments, both fleets charge in, with Shimakaze in the lead, making hit and runs and even outrunning a Ta-class battleship before the Abyssal is nailed in the head by a shell.*
*The text 'Fastest IJN Ship Girl' pops up next, with Shimakaze walking in from the right.*
Shimakaze: Um... I don't even know where to start with you. I mean, do you even know who you're talking to?
*Cut to a scene of a unarmed Ru-class about to take a drink of Ramune, when from behind she's poked in the head by a barrel from a Rensouhou-chan Shimakaze's holding.*
Shimakaze: Yo, what's up?
*Cuts back to Shimakaze in front of text.*
Shimakaze: Do you have any idea, any idea what kind of Destroyer I am?
*Back to the Ru-class and Shimakaze, who are in a fistfight while yelling. Cuts back to Shimakaze.*
Shimakaze: Basically - kind of a big deal here!
*Back to fight. Shimakaze is trying to smother Ru-class with a Rensouhou-chan, with the turret bot looking quite uncomfortable.*
Shimakaze: *Holds up a Rensouhou-chan.* Oh man, aren't you just the cutest thing, Rensouhou-chan? Fufu!
*Cuts back to fight. Now Ru-class has Shimakaze in a headlock, with the latter elbowing the Abyssal in the gut. Back to Shimakaze.*
Shimakaze: 'Kay listening? OK. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and sista', I hurt Abyssals.
*Back to fight. Out of nowhere, a Rensouhou-chan flies and slams the Ru-class right in the gut.
Shimakaze: I'm the Island Wind!
*Before the Ru-class could recover, another Rensouhou-chan slams headfirst into the Ru-class' head from behind, causing her to collapse.*
Shimakaze: If you were from where I was from, you'd be freakin' dead!"
*Last fight scene. Ru-class is on the ground, trying to reach for the bottle of Ramune, however Shimakaze runs up the side of a captured shipping container, jumps off and slams her third Rensouhou-chan bottom-first into the Ru-class' head.*
Shimakaze: So sloooow!
*In the end, Shimakaze sits on the twitching body of the Ru-class, drinking the Ru-class' Ramune, with the Rensouhou-chans jumping in celebration. Amatsukaze shows up a moment later, raises an eyebrow, and Shimakaze just tilts the bottle in her direction while having a smug look on her face.*
A/N: So this is pretty much Kancolle with Team Fortress 2 introductions. This idea first came to me while I was rewatching Meet the Team videos on youtube while having Kancolle on the brain. Also this takes inspiration from that Nanoha crossover one-shot that does the same thing here, which I can no longer seem to find lately. As for why it's in script format; writing it normally didn't feel comfortable for some reason.
I couldn't think of any other Ship Girls for the other roles like Spy, even though Akashi would have made much more sense as a Medic. (Here I thought Yuubari would make an odd choice for Medic, with the line, 'And that's how I never got my re-classification as a Repair Ship,' but eh.)
Oh, and about the last snippet, the main inspiration came from a picture I came across on danbooru, showing Kai Ni Yuudachi holding her pre-remodel self, drawn by the Shiratsuyu-class' artist (sans Samidare and Suzukaze), Kujou Ichiso. Also, if I do come around to it again, I'd probably make reincarnated Atago and Shimakaze sisters living in NYC too for the lols.
