The mess hall was quite lively. Until now, he only saw the food and people eating it. Now, he saw people talking, smiling, waving at others to join. He was so busy trying to remember the noises and fill in the gab, that he didn't notice the food in his plate was cold. Sheppard sat down at his table, took his own bowl of soup and placed in front of Rodney.

Eat.

Rodney quickly complied, but stopped after a few seconds, looking at one of the tables across the room. Radek was there, with Miko and a botanist. They weren't eating, but looking at something. Judging from the flipped pages, it had to be a photo album.

Rodney knew that he was a tough boss. He wanted work to be work and it could hardly be so if everyone stopped every five minutes to go 'aawww' about some stupid baby photo. He told them that a long time ago and he still knew it was the best way to work. But his people were running away, under the pretense of eating, to spend some time together. He never admonished them for meeting and looking at photos, though. He just said he would...

Sheppard squeezed his shoulder and repeated his request, Eat.

When he was done, Sheppard took both their trays and disposed of them. He didn't even look back to wave goodbye as he left the mess hall and Rodney wondered who made John come and feed him. Probably Carson.

- --- -

Rodney was staring at the small plants and the drawings that were supposed to represent their cells. He had a cell from the root, another from the leaf and another strange thing that he vaguely remembered as being the flower structure. If they would have shown this to his girlfriends, they wouldn't have put those pouts on their faces when he took them out without giving them flowers. Maybe the pout wasn't because of the flowers, but because they were disappointed with themselves, for not finding a better date. He rose from the chair, leaving the drawing of vacuole, membranes and all the small bits on the table, and headed for Carson's lab. He would know.

- --- -

This was stupid. He had so many things on his mind and now, standing in front of Carson, he couldn't say a thing.

Yes, Rodney? He could see Carson say the words and could see he barely stopped himself from adding 'Is something wrong?'.

Thanks for sending Sheppard to...

Carson just nodded and invited him to sit down. He accepted smiling and took one of Carson's medical journals, planning to read it to pass the time. Actually, to hide behind it before he would figure out what he wanted to ask. What he thought Carson would know.

I can't stand it anymore!

Carson looked up at him, apologetic, sympathetic, and Rodney wanted to scream at him that he couldn't possibly be sympathetic, that he didn't know how it was, how it felt to live in another world. He closed his eyes and for a moment, he imagined how it would have been if Carson was in his place. He shuddered at the thought and felt that it was best this way. If someone had to be in this situation, it was better for that someone to be him.

They're almost happy, he started. As if this is some divine punishment, as if... They blame me for talking too much, but they never listen, they never try to understand what I'm saying, they just tune me out and then complain: McKay ranted again. He didn't dare to look up at Carson. Some of them look at me with pity. They must think I'm a very lonely person and they're better than me because they have who to gossip with. And some look at me like I'm some kind of menace, a liability, like the whole place is gonna fall on us because I'm deaf, and others look at me like - He could feel tears falling on his cheeks and stopped, because he knew how he sounded when he was crying. Carson wouldn't want to remember his voice like that. He didn't want Carson to remember him like that.

After a few minutes, he was calm enough to speak again. Strange how we always take it out on those who don't deserve it. Then Carson's arms were around him and he knew he was forgiven.

- --- -

After a while, he got used to it. He had reports he wrote, papers he checked, Ancient gizmos he tested, it was all routine. Of course, he didn't go offworld anymore, but after seeing his team go through the gate a few times, he got used to it, too. The others knew and were careful around him, let him know when something beeped, gave him things to do when he finished his own stuff. He even learned how to read their lips.

The one thing he couldn't get used to was Carson's haunted expression, the feeling that the Scot's smile was fake, summoned just to make him feel better. Carson didn't smile anymore, and Rodney knew it was because he felt guilty. Carson didn't deserve to feel guilty.