Thanks for the great response to this story. It wasn't easy to write or post, but your reviews are making me feel a little more confident about it. I hope the rest lives up to expectations.

Now, to visit Kate's past ...


October 2002

Kate Beckett hated crying. She knew it was a natural, physiological reaction that the body employed to cleanse itself of overwhelming emotion, but that didn't make it any easier for her. Especially when she was crying over a guy — a guy who didn't even deserve it.

Unfortunately, that guy had also been her boyfriend for nearly the past year. Okay, eight months to be exact, but she had really been looking forward to that one-year milestone so that she could finally prove to her father that Derrick was serious and that she wasn't an idiot for moving in with him.

She had graduated from NYU in May, and Derrick's roommate wanted his own girlfriend to move in with them, so Derrick wanted out, and it just made sense that he and Kate would find a place together while she prepared for the Police Academy. It was perfect. Her dad had tried to forbid her from "playing house," but she wasn't about to move back home when Jim Beckett spent half his time inside a bottle of scotch. And she couldn't afford to live on her own unless she used her mom's life insurance money, which she refused to touch. What was the big deal anyway? Half her friends were living with their boyfriends – or girlfriends. It was the perfect solution.

Besides, Derrick was great. And they were great together. She wasn't ready to say she wanted to marry him, but he was fun and exciting in a way that allowed her to pretend she was just like any other 22-year-old ready to start her life — and have as much fun as possible doing it. He took her to the craziest clubs, didn't care if she partied too hard, and of course, the sex was a-maz-ing! They were insatiable and creative and fearless, going as far as nearly getting caught under the Brooklyn Bridge at two in the morning.

And she loved the way she felt with him — energetic and excited. Everything was possible, and she didn't have the dark cloud of her mother's death hanging over her all the time. He made her forget. So who cared if he dropped out of school and hadn't found a job yet? He was looking and would find something soon. Who cared if he blamed others a little too often, whined a bit too much, or got jealous a bit too quickly? He was young and still figuring out who he was, just like her.

But after a few months, things started to change, and Kate didn't want to admit it. She wanted to focus on the things that kept them together, the fireworks and heat and tantalizing fun, and not those childish, selfish behaviors that were getting harder to ignore now that she couldn't get away from them.

So the first time he'd suggested using restraints to spice things up, she'd been intrigued. Why not? It was a new millennium, and she was a modern woman, not ashamed of her own sexuality.

The experience had been exciting and erotic. It had felt dangerous — but still safe — and definitely arousing. It was so good that Kate had been the one to suggest they try it again.

But then it started to get a little intense. He pushed. He tested. And he ignored.

Their relationship became about power, and suddenly she found herself losing it. He questioned her and doubted her and whined about everything. His insecurities began to multiply as he lost one job, then two, while she excelled. She didn't feel threatened, only increasingly annoyed and impatient. His life was one excuse and one distraction after another, while she had a laser focus on her goal of joining the NYPD.

When he tried to "persuade" her, while vulnerable and immobilized, to withdraw from the academy and follow him to Belgium, she knew it was over. She ordered him to release her and told him she was done.

"Come on, baby. Let's get out of this city and go to Europe. We can work at a hostel and travel around."

She looked at him like he sprouted a second head. "Derrick, are you insane? What part of 'I'm in the police academy and want to start my career' did you misunderstand?"

"What happened to you, Kate? You used to be so much fun, and now all you do is study and go to the shooting range." He sounded like an eight-year-old who wasn't getting to go to Chuck E. Cheese.

She pulled on shorts and a t-shirt to reduce her vulnerability and tried to spell it out for him. "This has been fun, a lot of fun. But I want more. Going to nightclubs and having sex in the public library is thrilling and exciting, but it's not enough for me anymore."

And then she'd told him she was moving out.

Eight months together, five under the same roof, and all she'd done was prove her dad right. That stung. But her pride wouldn't let her move home for another few months when her personal financial limits and her father's undeniable need for help forced her to face those responsibilities she had been hiding from with Derrick.

She'd learned a hard lesson about fun versus responsibility, and the pleasures and risks of relationships. She doubted it was an experience she'd repeat soon or lightly, and knew that for the immediate future, she was going to focus on finishing the academy, becoming a cop, and helping her dad climb out of the bottle. She'd already lost one parent. She wasn't going to lose the only one she had left.

Wiping her tears, she packed up the last of her belongings, hauled the two duffle bags down to the cab that would take her home, and closed the door on that chapter in her life.