Superbi Squalo

1. Bald

"VOOOOOIIIII!" Superbi Squalo bellowed into the glum silence of the Varia assassination squad.

Those scum were letting the temporary… absence of their leader discourage them! They should be plotting to get him out of that prison, not moping like stupid widows!

Squalo resolved that he would take on the task of cheering up the rest of them. After all, he was the temporary leader for now.

"Do you have to be so loud?" Mammon whined. Squalo had the sneaking suspicion that Mammon had been dozing off beneath his hood – stupid trash, this was why he had to be loud!

"What is it, Squalo-dear~?" Lussuria cooed.

Squalo shivered for a second, uncontrollably. He decided to pass it off as a twitch, glaring at the stupid prince when he looked like he was about to comment.

Not like Bel enjoyed being subject to Lussuria's attentions, either.

"VOOOOOIIIII!" Squalo roared again, just in case anyone hadn't been paying attention the first time.

"If you want to say something, just say it, shark-boy," Bel snickered.

Levi glared, reaching for one parasol – what sort of idiot pansy used parasols, anyway? Squalo ignored him. He'd be able to skewer Levi like a pig before the scum could lay a hand on him.

Because he was the Sword Emperor, dammit! There was no way Levi could take him down.

"Until we break Xanxus out and make him into the next Vongola big-wig, I won't cut my hair at all!" Squalo proclaimed. That was just the kind of encouragement those scum needed to get pumped up.

And then they could fight to get Xanxus back into his rightful place!

The reactions weren't quite as Squalo expected.

"But Squalo, dear~," Lussuria said, looking agonized, "You'll get split hairs that way!"

"Ushishishi…" Bel just had say something, didn't he? "Then when Xanxus gets back, you can keep house for him. Just like a real housewife, just a little uglier."

"You're just looking for an excuse to grow long hair, aren't you?" Mammon deadpanned.

Levi grunted, looking disparagingly at Squalo's already rather long tresses.

"Fine!" Squalo yelled, grabbing a razor. Weapons were scattered all over the hideout, after all.

He shaved off all his hair in brisk, sure strokes. Right now, Squalo was too angry to think about what this had done to his formerly beautiful silver hair.

"VOOOOOIIIII! Until Xanxus becomes leader of the Vongola, I won't let my hair grow!"


2. A Wizard

"What the hell is up with these birds?"

Squalo chopped down a few more owls. A bullet blasted past him to slam into another owl.

"Watch it!" Squalo yelped, the bullet having gone within inches of his ear. He advanced onto Xanxus, who just threw another wine glass at him.

It just made his mood worse. Stupid birds smelled bad, too.

Maybe Lussuria could cook something out of them later. After they burned up those stupid letters, of course.

"What the hell – I can't read English, you idiots!" Squalo exploded, recognizing just enough to understand his name on the envelope.

"Superbi Squalo – can't you even recognize your own name, stupid shark? – The Third-Biggest Bedroom – ushishishi – Hidden Varia Squad Base, Italy."

"Third-biggest bedroom?" Squalo exploded. "You told me it was the second-biggest one, stupid boss!"

Xanxus tossed off a swig. "I lied."

"Want me to burn them, Bel-senpai?" Fran asked without a single change in expression as he hauled a bunch of owls up by their legs and tossed them out the window. He didn't even flinch as the window glass shattered.

"Shut up, Froggy, this is just getting good," Belphegor ordered, scanning one of the letters rapidly. "You've been invited to go to a school and be a wizard, sharkie! And you're supposed to buy a pointy hat and everything!"

"Go to school? VOOOOOIIIII, do I look like some snot-nosed brat?" Squalo roared.

"As a matter of fact, you are required to attend by wizarding law, Mr. Superbi."

In a dazzling display of lights and sounds, a stranger had appeared in their midst. Xanxus wasn't impressed, cocking his gun at the white-haired, robe-wearing trespasser. What idiot would appear so conspicuously, anyway? Squalo stared, jaw slack at being called Mr. Superbi.

"How did you get in here?" Levi asked threateningly.

"I became aware of the difficulty in getting Mr. Superbi to read a letter and came to make sure that he is not in any duress," the old man replied placidly, gazing disapprovingly at the mess of dead birds around him.

"Duress," repeated Bel, laughing creepily.

"You don't want your other students around me," Squalo smirked, trying to intimidate the wizard.

"Perhaps not, but you see, I have no choice," he said. What was up with that annoying twinkle? "I have not yet had the pleasure of introducing myself. I am Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts."

"And, Mr. Superbi, I am also your father."

Prudently, Squalo immediately went for his sword. He refused to believe that he'd ever look like that.


3. A Baseball Player

Yamamoto Takeshi's best friend was Superbi Squalo.

It seemed like a weird relationship to everyone else, but it made perfect sense to Yamamoto.

Sure, Squalo was a bit rude and more than a little violent-prone, while Yamamoto was popular and kind and an all-around nice boy.

But hey, they were both athletic, capable of getting high scores when they put the effort into it – which wasn't all that often for Squalo, and most importantly – they were both devoted to baseball.

Even if Squalo tended to threaten to eviscerate him in his sleep with the same regularity that he played baseball.

So Yamamoto was understandably surprised when his best friend proclaimed his intentions to become the next Sword Emperor.

"What's a sword emperor, anyway?" Yamamoto asked, his easygoing smile playing on his lips.

"It's the title given to the best emperor in the world! And once I get rid of Tyr, I'll get his title!"

"Best of luck to you, then!" Yamamoto said, though he still wasn't sure what this was all about.

As far as he knew, Squalo had never been able to use a sword. Oh, well… maybe it was some kid's game that Squalo was playing.

"Hey, why don't we both become this… sword emperor thing?" he suggested, brightening up. "It'll be fun!"

"You idiot!" Squalo screamed. "There's only one Sword Emperor at one time. You have to kill the last one to become the next Sword Emperor!"

"You don't have to be greedy about it," Yamamoto pouted.

"You can challenge me after I become Sword Emperor," Squalo said generously. "I'll kill you, of course."

Yamamoto smiled back innocently at Squalo's predatory grin.

"First of all, I need to cut my hand off!"

"Huh?"

"Because Tyr has only one hand, so I want to know what it's like," he explained.

"Oh, I get it!" Yamamoto laughed.

Squalo brought the baseball bat up then swung it down precisely onto his wrist. From the sound of it, his wrist was broken and the limb was starting to turn a beautiful black and blue.

"You're so passionate about your sword emperor game! But wouldn't it be easier to use a kitchen knife?"

"Of course not! I have to use my primary weapon to cut it off!"

He swung the bat again, wincing when it hit and his hand still didn't look like it was in danger of falling off.

"But that's just a little detail, isn't it?" Yamamoto protested, wincing. That had to be painful. "Besides, how are you planning to play baseball like that?"

"I'll just tie the bat to my arm or something," Squalo said casually.

He tried again. No one could fault Squalo's determination.

"Oh, fine, run off and fetch a knife already."


4. Allergic to Leather

"Wow, you look horrible!" Dino chirped.

Romario had fished poor Squalo out of the lake, looking more than half-drowned.

Squalo glared. A piece of piscine flesh hung over his eyes. However, Squalo couldn't move even a muscle to brush it off.

"The fish part adds a nice touch, though," Dino pointed out thoughtfully.

"Shut up, Bucking Horse," Squalo said rudely.

"Is that the thanks I get for saving your life?"

"You want thanks? Wait till I'm better, then I'll fight you all you want!"

"No, thanks. Here, get his clothes off, Romario."

"What the hell-?" Squalo began.

"Don't worry, we just want to see the extent of your damage," Dino reassured him. "I wouldn't violate you while you're hurt, Squalo-kun."

"V-violate me? VOI, you piece of trash-!"

Romario pulled off Squalo's clothes leaving a blanket on top of him for the sake of his virtue. He tossed on a roll of bandage, as well.

"Whoa, what's that rash?"

Squalo pressed his lips together tightly, refusing to answer.

"Romario?"

"It looks like an allergic reaction to something, boss."

"But it has the same shape as his coat…"

Dino almost felt the proverbial light bulb light up over his head.

"So that's it! You're so attached to your leather; you can't let it go even if it hurts you? Squalo, you're-"

"I. Will. Kill. You. Ifyoufinishthatsentence."

There was a pause as the Cavallone worked on bandaging up Squalo's injuries.

Then…

"You know, there's this silk kimono of mine that might look good on you…"


5. Mute

"You're stupid, stupid shark," Bel's dulcet tones drifted across the room. It was usually the quietest room in the whole place.

Squalo hissed through his teeth and brought his hand across his throat.

"You can't even talk, stupid shark."

Squalo pounded his fist into the wall, resulting in the wall collapsing.

"Idiot, idiot, moron, moron, Squalo, Squalo," Bel sang, secure in the knowledge that he could say anything he wanted and Squalo could never respond in kind.

Squalo headed for him, sword out to make Bel suffer.

"Is that the best you can do?" Bel taunted, skipping out of the way of the blade.

Squalo, still unable to hit him, felt a vein in his head explode.

If it's possible to die of pure rage…


A/N: All right, maybe I just wanted to curse. Anyway, Squalo's so much easier to parody than a lot of other characters. Speaking of which, I think I'll do Hibari next.