He was lost, alone and without hope. Actually, he lost them because they were already dead. Although, he hadn't seen them with his own eyes, still he believed the words he heard years ago, back when he was only 13 years old. He couldn't remember them quite well, or the way they had disappeared from his life, he still doesn't care. He doesn't remember them anymore, anyway. He doesn't want to remember them at all, because they are part of his past, not future, nor present. He like his new life and is thankful of that.
He remembers the first he had met the man he adores the most, the man he trusts blindly. The man, who has saved him years ago from that torturing loneliness, and helped to regain his life, reminded him of breathing and optimism for a better future. He loves Arthur more than his actual father. At his 14th birthday, Arthur had adopted and brought him to his home, officially as his own member of family. Only God knew then how Alfred felt. How he still feels. For Alfred, Arthur is like a treasure; untouchable, unreachable, and rare to find. Although just like his childhood he isn't able to get enough visits from Arthur, Alfred loves him unconditionally. He is proud of Arthur, for he is a hardworking man who owns so much with only a young age. Arthur has always been a hard worker who cares a lot about his friends and family, but still he meets very scarcely. Maybe 3 times in a year or so and for Alfred it is ok, as long as he even meets Arthur once in a year, but in a full length of happiness and contentment. Alfred isn't sure how to address Arthur. He can't address him as his father, because he is only 6 years older than him, but still Arthur gives him that fatherly love he needs. He can't address him as his brother, too, because they look nothing like each other. Nothing. Arthur, an English man with green eyes, dark blond hair and filled eyebrows looks nothing like Alfred, an American with blue eyes and light blond hair with relatively thin eyebrows. Also, they have nothing in common when it comes to behaviour, too. Alfred is a happy child who likes to enjoy his moment, but is still smart and intellectual. Arthur is a serious, smart man who likes to use his time properly.
Alfred has thought about that term for a long time, and now, he doesn't even bother to contemplate about it. There are no answers to his questions. Now, Arthur Kirkland is only his Arthur. His Art. A person he loves without even caring about his relationship with him. Isn't love always like this? His heart is so filled of love, because of the little joys he has gained while staying under Arthur's wings that protect him. Alfred will always respect Arthur.
But, He misses Arthur a lot. Arthur doesn't smile at him like before; he rarely laughs or joins with his jokes. He has grown to be dead serious. Alfred misses Arthur's high pitched laughter and the way he rubs his head when he is laying down, his head on Arthur's lap. He can't remember the last time he did it after his 14th birthday. Now, at 17th, he is celebrating it alone. Arthur hasn't shown up yet to tell him how important he is, like every year he used to say. 'You are very precious for me.' And with that Arthur has kissed his forehead and ran his hand through his blond hair 'till he fell asleep. Arthur doesn't do that anymore. The last time he saw his smile was at his 15th birthday. A birthday without any laughter kisses or hugs, only a smile. A single, thin and stern smile as his birthday present. But it doesn't effect on Alfred's point of view towards Arthur. He still loves him. Even if he is cutting his cake by himself, even if Arthur hasn't appeared around him for nearly 2 years, Even if god forbidden, Arthur has forgotten him, he will love him and wait.
Actually, Alfred has never been alone, he only feels like that because Arthur hasn't been there, besides him. Alfred lives with Arthur's maid and has a friend. A friend sometimes he forgets about. But he likes him. Alfred likes that kid like his little brother. They kind of look alike, but still they are very different. Mathew is a Canadian guy with a kind heart, who will sacrifice his happiness to others especially for Alfred's sake. He cares for Alfred. He has always been with Alfred, even if the elder sometimes ignores him.
Now, sitting beside each other, Alfred ignites the candles on his cake and sits quiet on his chair with his eyes closed. He wishes. Shortly after that, he blows the candles off and Mathew claps for him. Finally, Alfred has turned 17 years old. His older brother has grown up so well, and he is proud of him.
Turning to his side, he smiles at Alfred and opens his arms. Alfred likes hugs a lot. He hugs him and rubs his head. They are both lonely in this world. No matter how good they live, still they are alone. That's why both of them are so close as family to each other. Mathew meets Alfred pretty often, but still they're far away from each other. A country. England and France. Two countries parted away, and this distance has parted Mathew from Alfred. Mathew lives in France and only comes to England with his father. Well, Mathew's father and Arthur are good friends so that is how they have met on the first place. Alfred was short back then and Mathew was chubby, but they had become friends the moment they met. Ever since then, they have been the closest to each other.
Their hug breaks and Mathew tilts his head to a side.
"What did you wish?" He asks Alfred as he lies on the ground with his head on his lap.
"Arthur..." Arthur is everything Alfred thinks. Arthur is everything. Mathew just smiles at him and lets Alfred sleep, maybe he can get reunited with Arthur on his dreams. Alfred used to cry when he was little because Arthur couldn't come back on time like he had promised. Back then Alfred cried, and now, Mathew can still feel the emotions trapped behind his care free behaviour.
Alfred sighs and falls asleep, very slowly. Alfred is a grown up now, but he is always like a kid in Mathew's eyes; a huge baby.
As the night drafts by, Mathew falls asleep, too. Although, his dreams are totally different from what Alfred dreams.
The sun's rays hit on his face as he squints his eyes and tries to focus. On his side the wall clocks shows 9:30 am. Alfred notices that he has been sleeping on that position for a night long. He looks up and smiles as Mathew snores softly with his head bowed to his side.
Alfred sits up from his place and ruffles Mathew's hair.
Mathew wakes up slowly and yawns. He goes to the toilet and washes his face and brushes his teeth. Once finished, the car behind the door horns. Both lads know now that it's their farewell time, no matter how much they hate it. The car horns again and Alfred leads Mathew toward the door. He hugs him for the last time before opening the door.
The man who owns the car comes out of it and pulls Mathew in a longing hug. He kisses his head. He shakes Alfred's hand, too, and he guides Mathew to the car. Before he sets off, he greets Alfred shortly.
"How're you doing, little man?"
"Thanks sir, Francis"
Francis only nods and turns to walk away but he halts for a second.
"Arthur is coming." He smirks at Alfred and goes off.
Alfred recalculates his words and by time he understands, a sudden jolt of happiness explodes in his body. He feels excited like a kid. He sprints toward home and makes sure everything is clean and perfect, because Arthur loves cleanness.
He pulls a clean shirt on and makes sure he looks fine on his clothes. Well, in some ways he always manages to look fine, because of some reasons he doesn't know!
Alfred is very excited for meeting Arthur after 2 damn years. Oh, and he misses him so much. Alfred walks on circle around the living room and thinks about the different ways he could possibly confront him.
He wants to hug him like before. He wants to bury his face against his chest to smell his clean scent just like before. And he wants to kiss him, because Arthur made him wait this long. Even though he hates these sorts of intimation, Alfred still longs to kiss him. A welcome to the one he loves the most.
Around the noon on that day, Alfred hears the delicate knocks on the door. He runs toward it and flings it open. His heart sinks down and his eyes become tearful as he sees Arthur in front of him. He forces himself to stop his tears, but there is no use to it. Arthur has already seen those tears and he stretches his hand toward Alfred's cheeks. He palpates his wet cheeks and runs his finger across his face. Alfred can feel his legs weakening but, he still stands up straight. Only then he notices that Arthur has hugged him and lets his sobs free. They step inside the house while hugging each other. Arthur strokes his hair passionately and sometimes he croons palliative words. Arthur breaks the hug and goes inside the living room. He sits on a couch and watches Alfred sit after him.
"You've grown up." Arthur says with a very calm and dominant voice, but still a smile can be seen.
"Two years, Art. Two years. God and Mathew know how much I missed you." Alfred shakes his head and sighs as he looks at Arthur. Arthur feels like a dream to catch; a beautiful, exquisite dream. He barely recalls the last the last time Arthur had smiled so brightly and if his emerald eyes shone this bright.
"Well, at least you are taller, now." Arthur adds quietly with amusement. He sips his tea and listens to Alfred.
"Actually, taller than you are. But I don't care, because you are here. And until you are with me, I don't want to speak about useless topics. I missed you, Art. I still miss you..." Alfred's words are like knife for Arthur, because he knows that he has made him wait so long. So long that Alfred has grown up to become man. So long that he has missed the chances of kissing him when he slept. So long that he forgot about the fact that Alfred has turned into a man, an adult. Now, Alfred seems unreachable; out of his hand, out of his touch. Far away from him, Arthur longs to touch him, to hug him once again, to kiss his forehead and to tell him that he has missed him so badly. As Arthur drafts to his thoughts and day dreaming, Alfred shifts closer to him, besides him, Alfred kisses his head.
Arthur shakes and looks up at Alfred who once was just a little child but now, he is towering. That is all Arthur ever wanted. Another touch from Alfred, but nevertheless, he responds rather harshly.
"That is very inappropriate." Alfred sits, shocked from his statement.
"But you used to kiss me..." Alfred now understands the reason behind it and looks at Arthur once again. He distances himself and sits on the other side of the couch. His fist is still clenched as if he were ready to punch who ever dared to come near, but he just smiles at Arthur; a fake, dry smile. Not Al's smile.
"As you wish, Mr Kirkland" Arthur nods his head and finishes his tea. He stands up to go to his room, but before, he turns toward Alfred and leans over to his side, leaving a space between them.
"You know, I missed you, too." He smiles at Alfred and gestures toward him to follow. Alfred is ready to scream at him or even worse, hit him across the face. What the fuck is his problem? He used to kiss him. He kisses Francis four times as they greet. European greeting! He kisses Mathew pretty often. What the fuck is going on with Arthur. Alfred finds himself glaring at the elder's back while muttering.
"I am not leaving anymore." Alfred thinks, he has heard something gibberish, for those words were never familiar to him.
"Huh?" A simple response and Arthur feels on the edge of explosion. Why on earth should he repeat such an obvious declaration? He feels the need to take Alfred to a doctor, just to check his damn ears. It annoys him to repeat something several times.
"You are joking, Art?"
Arthur
a sigh escapes his mouth.
"Yes, Alfred. Yes." Alfred stands still for a solid moment and with widen eyes he reaches his hand on Arthur's shoulder.
"What is it now?" The care free Alfred, now looks dead serious. And when he shots his eyes up from the ground, Arthur can feel the aura rising. He stands pinned on place and narrows his eyes in anticipation.
"Arthur, don't play with me."
"You don't trust me?" Alfred lets go of his shoulder. He had trusted him once, back when he had asked him the same question for the first time. Yes, he trusts Arthur like his eyes and ears, but still it is a fear that makes him hesitant.
"My work place has moved to this city. Don't worry, Alfred."
Arthur goes to his room. He places his luggage and stirs Alfred to come in and sit. He opens his first luggage and pulls a box out of it. He motions it toward Alfred. It is a simple, handmade and beautiful wooden box.
"Open." Alfred obeys and opens the box carefully. His eyes shoot wide as he sees the expensive pearl necklace. He stares at it for a while and then looks up at Arthur. Arthur likes the way Alfred can express his feelings by his face, just like now. His face is like a compass. Surprised. Overjoyed, maybe.
He nods his head at Alfred and actually wants to say something like 'That is yours and you deserve more.' But instead he snatches the box from him.
"Keep it safe. It is very old." He hands the box back to Alfred.
"But why?" Yeah, why? Why did Arthur give it to someone clumsy as Al out of the earth? Because he feels like it is the least he can do for the younger?
"You are asking a lot." Alfred drops his gaze from Arthur to the box and presses it to his chest. He stands up and aims to go to his own room; to bury his new treasure somewhere between the load homework papers. Oh God, if only Arthur could see his room before, he would've fainted. Now, his room is clean and approachable.
Arthur settles everything to his room neatly and lies down on his bed. As he shuts his eyes close, Alfred enters his room and without a warning, he throws himself on Arthur's bed beside him. He laughs as Arthur tries to run away like a cat, paddling. Arthur really gives afford and the energy, but unfortunately, Alfred has him between his strong arms, and it hits him all of the sudden that Alfred isn't only taller than him but he is surely a muscle pack, too. He gives up and allows Alfred snuggle him.
Shakily, he moves his hand toward Alfred and rubs his upper back.
"Hey... it is ok. Ca... Can you let go? Now?" Huh, Alfred definitely needs a physicist now, because his grip tightens around Arthur's waist.
"Two years, Arthur. Two years. Don't you think it is comfortable like this? Only me and you, close like before. Ah, Arthur. You don't know how much I missed you." He is truthful and this truthfulness makes Arthur's heart ache. He hears a small hitch and gets half up. He looks down at Alfred's pressed face against his stomach's side and his shaking form. Alfred glares up at him with tearful eyes. Arthur feels guilty again as tears stains the face of his loved one. Those tears are shaded because of him.
"I am sorry, Alfred. I really am. Here, come up, closer." Alfred crawls closer to his level and turns to his side to face Arthur as he is already by his side and faces him.
Now, Alfred can easily study Arthur's face. Arthur is beautiful, strong and delicate. Even now with his fluffy hair and unshaved face. Even with the tired expression. And Alfred loves him. Arthur appears more handsome than he once was. He has grown up, too. He isn't that sloppy man. He has grown. For the elder, Alfred still somehow looks like a kid. Although his legs are dangling from his bed and he is huge by size, still his behaviour reminds him of the first day they had met on that village, but somehow now, Alfred appears more intimating, handsome and polite. Arthur doesn't feel uncomfortable as he is held again in Alfred's embrace. This handsome Alfred once was only a 13 years old child, but with 17 years, he holds more power than Arthur himself.
"17, huh?"
"Ye."
Alfred locks his arms around his waist and pulls him closer.
"You?" He hates to admit it, but he has no choice. Lying isn't an option.
"23."
"Can I stay here?"
"Yes, Alfred."
"You are good."
"You, too."
"You smell nice, Arthur." Alfred digs his head farther to the elder's side and pulls him closer.
"Because I am sweaty and haven't showered?" Arthur asks jokingly with a smile chuckle.
"N...no. You always smell nice. Let me be like this. I missed you." Arthur runs his fingers in the younger's blond hair and for the first time since their interaction, he pulls the younger close to himself.
"Me, too." As there are no room left for them, Alfred throws a leg over Arthur and presses himself against him. Even in that uncomfortable position, they both fall asleep rather peacefully.
On 7 a.m. they wake up go to eat something. Alfred cooks the food and Arthur washes the dishes. Their chores get divided evenly between them.
"How is Mathew doing?" Arthur asks while washing the plates.
"He has been here three days ago. He is fine as always. We had a sleepover." Sleepover.
"So? What you guys did?" The obvious intention behind Arthur's question irritates him.
"Birthday cake."
"Oh." Arthur blushes.
The night comes soon and with that, after consuming their dinner, they sleep, but before, Alfred asks Arthur about something important. At least, it is important to Alfred if not for Arthur.
"Arthur, what are you to me?" He asks quietly as he observes the elder.
Arthur stands motionless.
"Who are you to me?" Alfred asks again.
To be continued
