How not to write a Percy Jackson fan fiction

By the "wonderful, wonderful" Clara Fonteyn

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I recently saw a poll asking what the top five things were that I disliked about fanfiction (the website, not the actual concept). One of the first I clicked was 'Mary-Sues'.

Mary Sues? What the hell are they? Well, you could go with the wiktionary definition—A fictional character (especially in fanfiction), usually female, whose implausible talents and likeableness weaken the story—or you could go with mine.

Hell.

I like my definition better. It's easier to absorb.

"Okay," you ask. "So it's some horrible character that makes the story suck. What does that have to do with my angelic character?"

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There you have it. You said 'angelic'. And that ties in to the first type of Sue, who I can also refer to as The Perfect One.

Yes. It sounds Twilight worthy. That's because I looked to Isabella Swan for inspiration for this first one:

The Perfect One is, in a word, perfect (no frickin' duh!). (S)he either knows all about the gods or knows nothing about them. (S)he learns fast. (S)he's an excellent fighter. (S)he's gorgeous/handsome. (S)he's a child of the Big Three, or dating one (or both). (S)he's so smart that she makes Annabeth Chase jealous—no, wait, (s)he's so smart that she makes Athena jealous. She's so pretty that she makes Silena Beauregard jealous, even though she died in the last book.

Oh, and one more thing: this Sue always, always, always has a gorgeous name. Like "Isabella Marie Swan," or "Fantasia Sunset Mist" (credit to Gummy Bijou)

Are you starting to get it? Do I need to go on? Oh, I need to go on? Well, you could look at the description of Isabella Swan again. Or you could go read a few fanfics in the PJO section. Honestly, sadly, it doesn't really make a difference.

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Have you ever seen those Zwinky ads? Like, they say 'cartoon yourself'? There's a picture of a normal human being, and then there's a little cartoon image with the same color hair and same color eyes, only they look prettier. The clothes look to be about the same color and shape, but they look…cooler. It's you, but it's better.

That is pretty much the entire deal with YOU SUE! Yes, the second kind of Sue is the self insert Sue. It's like you stuffed yourself into your story, but on the way, you got…improved.

Think about it. You might have normal blue eyes and black hair that's always frizzy, or is too short to really do anything with. But, in the story, the blue eyes are "flashing blue, sapphire with a touch of blue sea underneath." The hair is "Black like ebony, gleaming and glistening no matter what the sun is like." It's always "Styled in a gorgeous hairdo, making her looking angelic" (there's that word again!). [See: Purple Prose].

I think this might be because everyone wants to look good and pretty and amazing all the time…but is it really possible? Hell no! And believe me, if you portray your character as such, your reader will hate it.

See what I'm talking about?

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This is the last one, I promise.

"Chiron, Chiron," Percy's calls ring through the camp. "There's a strange girl here! She's been in the ocean, and she's on the shore. She's coughing up water like mad!"

"Who's with her?" asks Chiron.

"Annabeth's looking after her, with Will's help."

This is what will, no doubt, happen next:

This mysterious girl will be unclaimed. She'll be somewhat ugly—normal, ugly hair, a crooked nose—whatever. She'll room with Percy, for some half thought-out reason. Annabeth will start to get jealous. Mystery girl will start falling for Percy. Percy will say that he doesn't like her. Annabeth will hear this and eventually, Percy and Annabeth will make out, preferably in Percy's cabin or on the beach. This may or may not lead to a very awkward lemonade-ish scene.

The girl will start to fall for Nico! She will start to show affection for him in a stalker like way, and then ask Percy for advice (since Nico and Percy are as close as brothers!) Percy tells her, and she hugs him in gratitude. Annabeth sees this, and after giving Percy the cold shoulder, she slaps him.

Meanwhile, Mystery Girl goes to Nico and makes out with him. This may or may not lead to a very awkward lemonade-ish scene.

Annabeth sees this and goes over and slaps mystery girl. Mystery girl cries, Annabeth cries. Nico gets mad. Annabeth says, "Percy deserves better than you!" Nico explains what is happening. Nico and Mystery Girl pick up where they left off. Annabeth goes off to cut herself, or some such activity.

Percy is feeling depressed. He is sitting on the beach. Annabeth approaches him and apologizes, but he is too angry and does nothing. Alternatively, he is glad she came back, and the two proceed to make out (again) which may or may not lead to a very awkward lemonade-ish scene.

In a break they take "for breath".

"I love you, Percy," gasps Annabeth.

"Annabeth…I love you too."

Meanwhile in the Hades Cabin

"I love you, Nico," says Mystery Girl.

"I love you too, and I'll love you forever."

Now the author will end the story, and ask for reviews one final time.

Meanwhile, my remaining brain cells will despair and commit suicide.

Do you see something wrong with this story? Such as, the Sue, while she is not all that bad characteristically, is doing things that are done by every other OC in this community?

Ponder on that, my friends.

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Oh, there a few more, like the dreaded daughter of Percabeth one. That one is just pathetic. Usually, the kid doesn't have dyslexia, or if s/he does, it's very light. Blonde hair, green eyes, a gorgeous, angelic person. Percy is usually not in the story, but the kid is raised by Annabeth. It is later revealed that Percy is a god.

Or, Percy and Annabeth are both around, and are caring, loving parents who indulge their daughter/son's every wish like the genie in Aladdin.

Honestly, I can't decide what's worse. You decide.

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If any of this sounds like your character, then honey, put down the pen, stop typing madly away, and go listen to Michael Jackson. I suggest "Bad." (What other song starts off with "Your butt is mine"?)

Okay. Are you done?

Good.

Now seek out one of the billions of Un-Sue-in' guides out there on the WWW (that's the World Wide Web for all the smart ones out there) and utilize it right now, please.

Thanks.

Oh, and don't forget to listen to "Bad."

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Please save your flames/rotten tomatoes/stones until the reviews.

The "wonderful, wonderful" Clara Fonteyn is on her way out, people!

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Today's vintage song: Bad by Michael Jackson.

I'll be doing those in every chapter from now on out! :D