Sadness

"I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it" ~Elizabeth Wurtzel

Brittany Miller

I take small steps behind the group as we trudge through the Californian downpour. I watch Eleanor and Theodore splash through the puddles as if they were still kids. I can't help but smile. Being a kid, everything seems to go right… or at least, less wrong.

Jeanette and Simon are whispering as Simon holds an umbrella over her head. She giggles now and again at something he said, putting her hand over her mouth out of shyness. She never did grow out of the shy, clumsy nerd that she depicted as a child. But it's cute, I mean, I couldn't imagine Jeanette any other way.

I turn my head slowly to Alvin. He walks beside me every day as we make our way home, but only because he has to. Eleanor and Theodore are too innocent to get any of his jokes, while Simon and Jeanette are in the love bubble. If only he'd talk to me… I understand him, inside and out. I even understand why he hates me, or even why he fell for Alisha. I'm just a brat… a selfish good for nothing bitch that no one wants to deal with. So I dug myself a hole and climbed into it.

"Good, now stay there," That little voice inside my head says menacingly. I always knew about my conscience. That little voice that lead me down the right path. The one that told me to go apologize to Jeanette when I ignored her for the elite group of girls known as the Sisters. The one that told me to throw that rope down to the Chipmunks when they were about to be killed by natives. But lately, it hasn't been steering me down the right path… or was it? "Brittany, I don't understand why you even try anymore! Your friends obviously hate you!"

I can't believe that… I just can't.

"Stop kidding yourself!"

Shut up!

A shiver runs down my spine, making me shake my head violently. Big water drops from my hair fly through the air, hitting Alvin's face. He blinks in confusion, seeing that rain seemingly hit him in the side of the face. "I-I'm sorry Alvin."

"Well, just watch it next time," he says, looking right past me. But something shone through that voice… was it longing? Did he want to be friends again? An unintentional smile breaks out across my face, making that warm feeling inside my gut spark to life. Alvin's eyes finally meet mine, and when he sees my smile he takes off towards the front of the group, leaving me behind.

"See. Why can't you ever just listen to me?"

No, no! I heard it! He misses me… he just doesn't know how to show it, I think, tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. H-he didn't mean it!

"God, Brittany!" Eleanor turns to me sharply. "You're seriously crying again?"

I can't take it anymore. I can't take them hurting me anymore… it needs to end. I run past them all, splashing everyone in my path as I sprint for home. The rain pelts my face as I run making it impossible to tell if I was really crying anymore.

"Dammit!" I cry, kicking the front door shut. I storm past Miss Miller and towards the stairs. She calls up to me once, but seeing that I was just in "one of those moods" she ignores me for whoever is on the phone. I throw myself onto my bed, burying my head in the pink satin that rests on my big bed.

I'm so stupid… why can't I just get it through my thick skull that no one cares? What happened to being that group of six best friends that could never be pulled apart? What happened? God dammit… I'm such an idiot!

"Then end it! For both of our sakes!"

"No!" I scream out loud. "Don't tell me what to do!"

"But I just did. And you know what I'm telling you is right, it's time. Look, an open window, or a kitchen knife, or even a couple… no, more than a couple aspirins should do the trick!"

You're sick.

"I'm you."

The door slams again downstairs, and I actually shake at the thought of my sisters coming up stairs to find me this way. Eleanor would yell, telling me to pick myself off of the ground while Jeanette would side with whoever had the power. Which was usually Eleanor in situations like this. Who would you side with? Someone cowering before her baby sister, crying her eyes out or the one standing tall with that ungodly air of confidence Eleanor had been portraying? They both just expected me to be passive to all of the hurtful things they threw at me.

Footsteps coming up the stairs send me into panic mode. I leap off of my bed and onto the floor. I roll under the bedframe and wait patiently for the girls to leave. Either that, or come out when I'm more collected.

"God, she's such a brat," Eleanor spits as she comes into the room. "I mean, just leaving without us while she had the house key! Good thing she didn't lock us out or I would have to give her a piece of my mind!"

"Ellie," Jeanette responds calmly. "I-I really think we've been too hard on Britt lately. I mean, how would you feel if-"

"Nothing happened to her!" Eleanor shouts back. "She gets upset for no reason at all! She's selfish and I'm merely showing her how she treated us for the last fifteen years."

"You didn't have to rope the Chipmunks into it though!" Jeanette shouts back, sounding more confident than I have ever seen her. I dare to peek out from under the bed as Eleanor and Jeanette stand across from each other. "And you know what? This is your battle, not mine! I'm done with this; in fact, I'm going to go apologize to Brittany right now!" Jeanette starts to turn on her heel but Eleanor snatches her wrist, making her big sister look her in the eye.

"Apologize?" Eleanor laughs. "Jeanette! Wake up! We've been pushed around all of our lives, you more than anyone!"

"But she does the right thing in the end!" Jeanette argues. "Besides… I know why you're doing this. And it has nothing to do with Brittany."

"I resent that accusation," Eleanor takes a step back, crossing her arms. My jaw drops to the floor. Not about me? What happened to the "I hate Brittany Miller" parade? She convinced everyone to hate me and this is what I get? The fact that it was for her own benefit… that it had nothing to do with me at all… is what sent me over the edge. I felt like steam was leaking out of my ears with rage, but then again, immediate hurt soon followed. H-how could she? Anger continues to build up in my gut as Eleanor shifts her eyes around the room. She eventually changes the subject, making Jeanette sigh and follow her down the stairs. I pull myself out from under the bed and kick the first thing in front of me out of frustration, which just happened to be Eleanor's dresser. All of the trophies on top fall to the carpet, bending some even. I smile wickedly.

"That's what you get!"

"You're doing this wrong! This isn't how you get back at Eleanor… she'll only come back madder than ever!"

I don't care anymore!

I storm out into the hallway, ready to meet Eleanor face to face and demand the truth. I nearly run nose to nose with Jeanette on the way out. She seems startled, dropping her books all over the floor. My features soften, and I laugh a little. Some things never change. I bend down to help her pick up the text books, handing two or three to her while I carry the rest back into the bedroom.

"So how much did you hear?" Jeanette asks without warning. I blink back at her in confusion. "I'm not an idiot Brittany, Eleanor and I were just in here and then you walk out. How much did you hear?"

"All of it," I bow my head.

"Well, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry," Jeanette frowns. "I-I never meant to be cruel to you. But when I saw you run away today… It just clicked. I'm awful!" Tears well up in the corners of both of our eyes. I've waited six months for any sign that my sisters cared about me. And lately, I was beginning to lose any sort of hope.

"She doesn't mean it."

Of course she does! She's my sister!

"So is Eleanor."

"You don't know how long I've been waiting for you to just talk to me," I say, a smile breaking out across my cheeks. "Do you think there's still time? To work things out with Eleanor… I mean, you said it wasn't about me so it should be alright… right?"

"Let's not talk about that now," Jeanette sighs sadly. "I'm afraid it's a very long and complicated story."

"I have time," I say, desperate for information.

"But I don't," Jeanette says bluntly, nodding to the books stacked up on her side of the room. I nod sadly, and make my way over to my own bed, homework spread out across my sheets.

Things are going to start looking up, I just know it.

"We're at the climax honey; it can only go downhill from here."

~DOWNHILL? D:

Eleanor's a jerk… what is she planning? Hmm… we'll just have to see!