Spoilers for A Frond in Need and Who's Bugging Mary, implied spoilers for everything else.
Albuquerque, we have a problem
Chapter 2 – Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics
Marshall leant against the fridge as he listened to his sister talk about anything and everything. Well, listened in the loosest sense of the word. He smiled and nodded at her occasionally while keeping a close eye on Mary.
Ellen's incessant chatter required little attention to follow, giving Marshall plenty of brain power and more importantly, time with which to come up with an explanation that would prevent Mary from killing him. A full twenty minutes had passed since he had made the fateful introduction.
During that time he had listened to Ellen proclaim that, statistically, December was the best month in which to get married, as it resulted in the fewest number of divorces. He had mentally rejected several implausible excuses for the situation he found himself in. And he had tried to hide his grimace as Ellen declared that her brother had perfect taste in jewelery.
Mary had been unusually quiet since Marshall's declaration of their 'new and improved' relationship status. She had suffered through a rib crushing hug from Ellen with good grace and while she hadn't gone as far as feigning excitement as Ellen admired the ring, she had attempted a half smile.
Mary's confusion and discomfort had been mildly amusing at first, but the longer she allowed the charade to continue the more worried Marshall was becoming. He suspected the only reason he was still alive was because Mary had yet to think of a suitable way to dispose of his body.
He knew at some point he was going to have to explain. He kept telling himself that he was just waiting for a suitable break in the conversation. He had forgotten how much his sister could talk. She was quite happy to carry on a conversation even when she was the only participant and, for the moment, Marshall was happy to let her. He was just surprised that Mary had let her ramble on for this long.
Marshall breathed a sigh of relief as his sister finally excused herself to go to the bathroom. As soon as she was out of the room Marshall walked over to Mary, hands raised in a futile attempt to fend off her death glare and made the snap decision to discard the lies he had come up with and just tell her the truth.
"Mare, I'm so so sorry. I mentioned you to her a while ago. She just assumed when I said 'partner' that you were my partner partner and I didn't bother to correct her..."
"Why the hell not!"
"At the time she was going through a phase of setting me up with people. She has terrible taste in women and even worse taste in men," Marshall's eyes glazed over for a moment as he remembered the several, truly horrific, dates he had been tricked into. He shuddered involuntarily.
"Men?"
"Yeah, 'Coz you never know 'til you try' – her words, not mine....Anyway, it saved me a lot of blind dates and awkward conversations, just letting her think we were together."
"You're gonna have to tell her!"
"I know," he admitted.
"I mean it Marshall! I ended up actually engaged to Raph after one fake engagement, I really don't want to end up engaged to you after another!"
Mary added under her breath as she picked her jacket off the counter and turned to leave, "One bigamist in the family is enough."
Marshall watched her leave without comment.
She paused in the doorway and asked over her shoulder, genuinely puzzled, "What is it with men and fake engagements?"
xxx
Marshall swiped his ID card and pushed the door to the office open. His step hitched as he spotted Mary at her desk. He'd known that she had beaten him to the office this morning, but he also knew she would ask about Ellen and he wasn't sure what he was going to tell her yet.
Mary looked up as he reached his desk and placed one of the four coffees he had been carrying down. She lent back in her chair as he brought her coffee over and asked, "Did you tell her?"
Marshall hesitated slightly too long before replying, "Yeah, sure."
"You've told Ellen that we're not engaged?" Mary asked for confirmation.
"Yeah."
"You've told her that we're not, and never have been, a couple?"
"Sure."
Mary peered at him sceptically, "You didn't tell her, did you?"
"Not so much, no," Marshall admitted.
"Marshall!" Mary hissed.
"I'm sorry," he sighed. "After you left she started talking about how disappointed her friend Blinky is going to be when she finds out I'm off the market. I just couldn't do it!"
"Blinky?" Mary questioned.
"You know I'd do anything for you, Mare," he told her earnestly. "I'd willingly take a bullet if you asked, but please don't ask me to do this, coz there's no way I'm going to date a woman called Blinky," Marshall explained, handing a paper cup to Eleanor as she walked past him.
"You're dating a woman called Blinky?" Eleanor asked, having only caught the end of the conversation as she opened the filing cabinet behind Marshall.
"No! And I'm not going to! Even if it means I have to spend the next three days inventing reasons why she can't meet Mary," Marshall said with a sigh, assuming Eleanor had heard the entire exchange.
"Wait, Blinky will only go on a date with you if you take Mary?" Eleanor asked puzzled, then added with a smug grin in Mary's direction, "Is she into Extreme Dating or something?"
She was rewarded with a mock glare and returned to her desk satisfied she had won that bout.
"She'd have to be with a name like Blinky." Mary couldn't resisted getting her own dig in, even if it meant aligning herself with Eleanor temporarily.
Marshall ran his hands through his hair in frustration.
Mary took pity on him, "Okay, you can tell Ellen that we're engaged."
Marshall looked at his partner in disbelief, she'd been vehemently against the idea yesterday and now she was willing to go along with his lie just to save him from Blinky? There must be more to it than he was seeing. Yeah, there had to be a catch.
AN: My apologies to anyone called Blinky.
