Bomb-spotting by Truro
Lucile was a beautiful ram, with big brown sparkly eyes, and a passion for powerful explosives.
Since a ship carrying a rare brand of fireworks was due to arrive at the harbour on this particular morning, she decided to head out early, to do some bomb-spotting: like train-spotting, but less hazardous to your health.
In the Pizza Cat's kitchen, Speedy and Guido go about their duties, over an intellectual conversation.
"Do you think Daisy Ducks hot?"
"Daisy Duck? That's a stupid question." said Guido, "She's just about the most desirable woman on television."
"What about Minnie Mouse?" asked Speedy
"Well, I'd go out with Minnie." said Guido, "But I'd be thinking of Daisy."
After a minute of drooling all over the pizza dough, with visions of the eye-shadow loving bird in their heads, our two wannabe heartthrobs came to a realisation.
"This is stupid." said Speedy, "Day dreaming about sweeping Daisy Duck of her feet. Its insanity!"
Guido sighed heavily, like an old locomotive letting off steam.
"You're right Speedy," he said sadly, "This is an insane conversation."
And he returned to squeezing the dough,
"She'd never ditch Donald, and we know it."
All of a sudden, the phone rang,
"Since when did pizza become a breakfast food?" Polly pondered as she reached for the receiver, "Pizza cats! We deliver! How can I help you?" she asked affecting her sweetest sounding voice.
"One cornflake pizza, to be delivered to warehouse fifteen, at Little Tokyo harbour. Okay. What name is it? Ninja Crow Number 32 (Wonder what his parents were thinking?). Okay! It'll be there in twenty minutes! Love ya! Bye!"
The receiver was replaced-
"Hey! Dwarf! Get a cornflake pizza to warehouse fifteen, on the double, or I'll cover you in batter, and serve you up as a spring roll!"
"That girl changes her mood more times than I change my underwear."
"Speedy, I change my car more times than you change your underwear. Now get moving!"
Back at the pier, Lucile was waiting with her camera, when the boat came into view. She decided to get a few shots, of the magnificent vessel. A fleet of Tugs (anyone remember that program?) nudged the mighty freighter into position, to lower the gangplank. The ram moved closer, the butterflies in her stomach dancing an Irish jig.
A sailor carted a crate of explosives down to the dock, where a bird in green armour signed the collection form
The Lucile stepped up to the armoured crow, to ask if it was okay, to take some photographs.
"Sure." said Bad Bird, turning to face her. Looks of sheer horror covered both their faces.
"Ah! It's the girl with the weapons grade dandruff!"
Back at the shop-
"Here are you." said Guido in his smooth voice, placing the pizza down on the table "Fresh from the oven. Can I tell you how much I love you eyes?" the hamster he was seducing blushed beet red; "By the way, I'm a black belt in karate. And as you're about to find out, I'm an excellent cook." He moved his head closer to the girl, "I made this pizza with my own hands, and put a little bit of love into it."
He was now close enough to kiss her. He probably would have too, if the heaviest pan in the parlour hadn't just flown into the side of his head.
"Made it yourself, my stainless steel boot!" nagged Polly, the real pizza chef, "You men are all alike! Telling girls fish stories to get their phone numbers! All you ever think about is football, beer, and women!" Guido hung his red face, in embarrassment, "You're always starring at girls in inappropriate areas, you sit with your legs wide open, as if you actually enjoy being hit in the happy sacks, and you suffer from the delusion that women are fascinated by ironing!"
Guido decided that he'd had enough of this abuse, and decided to fight back,
"That's good, coming from a gender who thinks that the most important thing in the universe is chocolate!" the line worked! Now it was Polly, who was turning red in the face, "You wear a skirt that's about an inch long, and then you get mad when guys look at you!"
Luckily, Guido was too busy verbal fencing with Polly to notice that the hamster was now asking Francine for a take-out box.
Back at the harbour, a series of explosions booming in the distance caught Speedy's attention.
"What the hell was that?!" he asked, lacking anything else to say in response to the loud noises. Having the curiosity of a cat, and the diligence of a samurai, our brave hero investigated. Selflessly risking being late with his delivery and missing out on a tip. What a hero!
"Looks like World War Three." He whispered, as he surveyed the damage, that was obviously caused by missile fire.
Warehouse fifteen was nearby. Speedy decided to make his delivery, and then proceed to investigate. He knocked on the door, and a small crow opened it.
"I have a pizza here for Mr 32." Said the Pizza Man,
"Ah great! We've been looking forward to this!" said Ninja Crow Number 32.
In the corner of his eye, Speedy thought he could see two figures struggling behind some crates. And their raised voices were a bit of a giveaway. Speedy could make out one of the two- an extremely pissed off crow, with charred armour. Speedy was paid, and the door was slammed in front of him. Moving to a convenient hiding spot, the stout delivery boy pulled down the x-ray visor on his helmet. Now he could make out the struggling figures more clearly. The first was obviously Bad Bird (Even though his costume was char grilled from missile fire), and the other was a beautiful ram with big brown sparkly eyes.
"It's Lucile!" Speedy shrieked, as he watched Bad Bird force her into a chair, and cuff her arms to the armrests. She was crying for him let her go. The raving bird was lucky (in a way) that she had already used up all her missiles blasting him before.
Living up to his name, Speedy raced back to the shop, like Sonic the hedgehog heading to the toilet after guzzling a bottle of prune juice.
As soon as he got home, he headed straight for the oven.
"Lucile kidnapped. Bad Bird gone nuts. Warehouse fifteen. Blast off now. Explain later."
Having nothing better to do, the pizza cats leaped into the ovens were their battle armour was powered up, and they shot back to the harbour, to rescue the fair maiden.
They soon arrived at the warehouse. They activated their x-ray visors. Ninja Crow Number 32 was checking the contents of a big create, with a flammable warning label. Bad Bird was rubbing down his armour, and Lucile seemed to be unharmed (although she had now been gagged).
"Those scoundrels! I'll pulverise 'em!" Speedy growled, as he marched for the door. Guido grabbed hold of his tail, and pulled him back.
"We can't just rush in there without a plan!"
"Well what do expect us to do?" snapped the leader, "Do a conga line through there, and just carry Lucile out, in front of those two bird brains?"
"Simple." said Guido, with a slightly roughish grin, "Its time for a pizza break."
"A pizza break?!" exclaimed Speedy and Polly
Guido just winked, "It's quite simple really…"
There was a knock at the door.
"See who that is, would you Thirty Two."
"Right chief." said Thirty Two, as he waddled over to the door. His dark eye pressed against the lens, to see who it was.
"It's a fat pizza delivery girl, with a size twenty nine overcoat."
"I don't remember ordering any pizzas (save the one we had for breakfast)."
The door burst open, sending wood flying in all directions, as the pizza girl smashed through.
"We you're getting it weather you want it or not!" yelled Polly. Thirty Two tried to grab her from behind. Guido emerged from under Polly's overcoat, and smashed an extra saucy pizza into his face.
"I can't see!" squawked the ninja crow,
"That was the plan dude!"
The two cats drew their swords and jumped at Bad Bird, who in return, pulled out his giant blade.
Speedy used the diversion to sneak into the warehouse, easily getting past the blindly flailing Thirty Two, and making his way behind the three-person melee, approached the area behind the crates, where Lucile was being held.
"Hold still." He whispered, slicing the shackles up with his sword.
Quicker that you can say 'Damsel in distress stereotype' Lucile jumped up, yanked the cloth from around her mouth, and whipped her arms around her knight in shining armour.
"My hero!" she squealed.
With his eyes expanding, and his nostrils flaring, Speedy let out a lustful grunt.
Bad Bird's sword glided through the air, coliding with Guido's weapon. The crow raced forward, pushing Guido (Whose sword was still struggling against Birdy's) up to the pier. With a powerful jump-kick, the wicked bird blew the cat to the edge, and knocking the wind out of him.
Instinctively, Bad Bird jumped into a 360 spin swinging his mighty weapon into Polly's shinobigatana. His attack carried such a huge amount of force that it knocked Polly into a spin. As quick as she could, she followed through in a full 360 counter strike. Bad Bird hopped with another spin, as if the two of them were doing a sort of dance. They chased down the harbour, until Bad Bird noticed an anchor, lying around. Don't ask why it wasn't attached to a ship, though.
Polly leaped into the air, and came flying down, with her blade, shining in the midday sun. This was his chance. With a homicidal laugh, Bad Bird threw a small weight attached to a chain up at the feline. The weight wrapped the chair tightly around her, pinning her upper arms to her sides. With a great heave, the maniacal crow pulled Polly facedown into the ground. He picked up the anchor (The other end of the chain was attached to it), and threw it into the ocean, dragging Polly with it.
"No!" Guido screamed, as he tried to pick himself up.
Bad Bird threw his head back in a hysterical laugh, as he watched Polly struggle against the weight of the anchor.
Kicking her feet din desperation, the feline slowly raised her forearm (with much discomfort), and only just managed to reach the emergency bell around her neck. This useful device, (when tapped successfully) alerts Francine to the emergency, and in reaction, she summons a member of the Rescue Team; a quartet of specialist samurai, each trained to handle extreme emergencies. After a small ring was accomplished, Polly's muscles gave up, and her head was dragged beneath the surface of the water.
Witnessing his friend submerge, Guido fell into a blind fury. He raced at Bad Bird, his sword in one hand, and his parasol in the other. Bad Bird slipped in an amused snigger. Blinded by his anger, the cat racing towards him would be easy prey. Raising his sword the evil avian flapped his wings, and jousted at the oncoming attacker.
Everything was going black. The salt water stung Polly's eyes, forcing them shut, as a tear escaped, and instantly became lost in the deep water. She struggled to break free, but to no avail.
She opened her eyes one last time, hoping, praying. She saw a light. Was this it? After all these years, all those fights, she was dead? A figure was coming towards her, from behind the light. Her eyes could stay open no more, for the salt once again blinded her.
The figure placed a mouth piece on her delicate muzzle. It was a breathing apparatus. He then unwound the chain, and, with Polly in his arms, jetted towards the surface.
Guido fell back and rolled towards the edge, only just stopping himself from falling over. Bad Bird slowly approached dents and sword marks covering his armour from beak to talon.
"Never thought I'd see the day, when Guido Anchovy loses his cool." He chirped, "One down, one going down, and one to go."
Something burst out of the sea, and landed next to the injured samurai. A well built warrior, turned out in green armour, modelled after a submarine. Cradling the comatose Polly in one arm, he extended the other, and fired a thundering eruption of water, from his wrist mounted weapon. Bad Bird was slammed backwards, as if being hit by the world's most power fire hose.
"Great timing Spritz!" said Guido, as he stood up. The hero of the hour lay Polly on her back, "I got here as fast as I could." he said, pressing Polly's stomach (extra hard, to get through her armour).
"Is she alright?" asked the blue samurai,
"I think she'll be okay," said the green, "Though she may need mouth to mouth…"
"Don't even try it." said the red, opening her eyes; blue as the sky. Spritz face melted to the colour of strawberries, "So…um…I see you're awake now, so there's no further need for resuscitation.", he stammered.
"Well played, Dr Spritz." said Guido with a wink.
"You think a little water gun can stop me?!" roared Bad Bird, "I was the Super Soaker champion in last year's ninja crow practical jokes contest!"
The three cats stood firm, as Bad Bird menacingly approached, "And besides, I still have my secret weapon!"
The three cat's eyes pointed upwards.
"Ah, that'll be it now." He gloated, as a shadow appeared, cloaking his upper body. He turned and looked up. Only to get a foot stomping in his face, as the owner of the foot bounced off him, and joined the other three Pizza Cats.
"Where the hell were you Speedy?!" Guido yelled,
"Yeah! I almost drowned, and what were you doing to help?" added Polly,
"What kind of leader abandons his team mates, when they need him the most?!"
"I was walking Lucile home." Speedy said simply.
"Makes sense." Said Guido, in a calmer tone,
"Indeed. Lucile's quite a catch." added Spritz.
"Worth being late for a fight anytime!" chortled Speedy.
Polly was fuming. Her faced glowed a violent crimson.
"Boss! Over here!" cried 32, holding a rope, attached to a huge crate that was obviously a bit too heavy for him.
"That looks like the crate they had in the warehouse!" said Speedy.
Once again, Speedy caused everyone's face to turn blank,
"Why wouldn't it? A crates a crate, after all."
Bad bird hovered up, and opened a latch on the crate. The wooden box opened up, to revile a big robot goldfish, with a semi-human face in its mouth.
"What's its special ability? Making people laugh themselves to death?"
"Just press the button!"
The fish activated, and charged at the pizza cats, who ducked out of the way. The fish robot charged again, as the four cats leapt for cover. As it was turning, Speedy heroically stood up with both of his swords ready for action.
"Now, you Godzilla-like-guppy…"
Polly kicked him out of the way.
"Bad Bird almost drowned me! Vengeance! I demand vengeance!"
With a fiery rage burning in her eyes, Polly unleashed the power of her beautiful sword and flute technique. Building power in the two objects, she moved one arm up and the other down, slowly forming the shape of a huge heart.
"Now DIE!" she screamed firing the energy heart that cracked the fish bot on contact.
"Much better." Polly's face resumed its cheerful smile.
"She got over that anger pretty quickly." Said Spritz
"Like I said, more times than my underwear." Said Speedy.
"Wait a flower picking minute." said Guido, upon coming to a realisation, "Where'd the Chuckle Brothers go?"
The weary Bad Bird and his numbered sidekick slid the huge crate of fireworks along the floor, approaching the Big Cheese's chamber. It had taken a couple of hours to get back to the palace, lugging such a heavy crate with them. By now the sky was black, glittering with stars, and crowned with a silver moon.
"This had been a stressful day." Moaned the great ninja crow, "We'll just give this crate to the boss, and call it a night. I just hope he's not in one of his moods."
Opening the door, they were greeted by a cheesed off Cheese, red in the face, with electricity sizzling all over the place.
"No! Not near the fireworks!"
"Hey, what do you suppose they're celebrating over at the palace?" inquired Polly, pointing in the direction of the brightly coloured explosions.
"It's a little late in the year for Independence day, and too late in the month for Guy Falkes night." Said Speedy,
"Maybe they're celebrating New Years eve, a few weeks early." Suggested Guido.
The trio shrugged it off, and went back to work, just as a fast moving cloud soared ominously overhead.
To be continued
