Dec. 22 2010 17:41

JW: Got the milk?

SH: Why would I bring milk when neither of us is at the flat?

JW: Eventually we will need milk and you will be the one bringing it.

SH: Eventually, yes.

JW: When?

SH: When we are both back at the flat. I am still in France, or maybe Spain, and you are with your sister.

JW: You can't escape then, and come back before Christmas?

SH: No, sorry.

JW: It will be too late.

SH: The milk? For what?

JW: I will be dead.

SH: WHAT?

JW: Fratricide.

SH: Oh. That's not funny.

JW: You've never met Harry you don't know.

JW: And now I'm sharing a flat with you.

SH: Just give her some vodka and run. At least she's never kidnapped you.

JW: She's making assumptions about us. And she's an alcoholic, remember?

SH: So? She had a Clara, what does she care? Also, that's the point of the vodka.

JW: Sometimes…I wish I was an only child who lived alone.

SH: Were.

JW: Sorry?

SH: Conditional clause. Were, not was.

JW: You're getting coal for Christmas. You were my excuse not to come here.

SH: Mycroft's stuck me on a train with intermittent cell reception, three imbeciles, and a hideously boring mystery novel that I think is his idea of a joke, if it makes you feel any better.

SH: And next year, I will be your excuse, which would not be the case if you lived alone. I can ask Mycroft to kidnap you now if you'd like.

JW: Kidnap Harry. Also, why are you still on the train?

SH: Apparently we're picking up some documents in Spain. I loathe my brother.

JW: And you just acquieced.

JW: Acquiested.

SH: Acquiesced.

JW: Gave in?

JW: So close.

SH: Hardly. I've escaped four times. He's got the entire route under some kind of surveillance, I think they're ex-SAS.

SH: Ugh, time to go, I've got to steal these papers. Have fun with Harry, John.

JW: I hate you.

JW: Call me later.

Dec 22, 2010: 20:14

SH: I'm going to kill my brother –SH

JW: Strangers on a Train style?

SH: What? He's not on the train now. Anyway, he's just stuck a psychologist on here…

JW: Oh, right, pop culture. It's Hitchcock.

SH: Who?

JW: Ask the psychologist. And you deserve it.

SH: I do not.

JW: Yes you do. Oh, joy, dinnertime. Wish me luck.

SH: Have fun. Perhaps she'll pass out. Like the psychologist just did…

JW: That makes how many now?

SH: Seven.

JW: I've got a sudden urge to swim the Channel.

SH: Good luck with that and your shoulder.

Dec 22, 2010 22:34

JW: What's your opinion on fruitcake?

SH: What's fruitcake?

JW: Seriously? Cake with dried fruit and nuts and things in it soaked in rum…

SH: Oh. I have no opinion on fruitcake.

JW: Oh. Because my mum's made two enormous ones and she's threatening to send one home with me.

SH: Well, I can hate fruitcake.

JW: Too late, I told her you'd never had it.

SH: Idiot.

JW: I'm going to force feed it to you for that.

SH: Try. Bring a step stool.

SH: Tell her my brother is allergic to nuts and he's coming over for Boxing Day and I'd feel bad.

JW: No. He'd be entertained, and neither of us will be back for Boxing Day.

SH: Fine. I'm not eating your fruitcake.

JW: Yes you will.

JW: There's nothing to do here.

SH: Set the fruitcake on fire.

JW: They won't let me. I asked.

SH: Why would you do that?

JW: It's called flambé, Sherlock, and last time I tried it they freaked a bit.

SH: So?

JW: It's their house, not my flat.

SH: So?

JW: Harry threatened to sit on me again if I did.

SH: You're an army doctor, don't you know self-defence?

JW: You don't know Harry, and I'm injured.

SH: You should have taken your gun.

JW: Not killing my family, thanks.

SH: Just for threatening. Since apparently it's all right for Harry to assault you.

JW: You've got an older brother, you know what it's like.

SH: I'd shoot Mycroft if he sat on me. You know, if I didn't suffocate instantly from the pressure.

JW: We're not the same person.

SH: Obviously.

JW: Though I feel like you now.

SH: How's that?

JW: Bored.

SH: Set Harry on fire.

JW: I spy something starting with…T.

SH: Not even I can do this with so few data.

JW: T.

SH: Fine. Turkey.

JW: No.

SH: Tea.

JW: Not edible. It's probably on you.

SH: Trousers. I haven't actually.

JW: ….why?

JW: Sherlock.

SH: What? Am I right?

JW: Why are you not wearing trousers?

SH: Didn't feel like it. Don't worry John, I'm wearing underclothes.

JW: Please tell me

why I live with you and

that you're not on the train still and

that you're not under arrest in Spain for public nudity

SH: a) I relieve your tremor and boredom

b) I'm not

c) I'm in Italy

JW: I'm in pain and bored. You're not doing a very good job. Why are you in Italy?

SH: I'm not with you and tremors don't hurt.

JW: My leg hurts and it's all your fault.

SH: Ooh, Mummy made lasagne! And no, everything is Mycroft's fault.

JW: I hate you right now.

SH: Mycroft probably started the war. Hate him.

JW: You could have escaped if you wanted to. And you're closer.

SH: I did, four times, and he's right next to me.

SH: Oh, he says he did not start THAT war (emphasis added)

JW: Pass my sentiments on, will you?

SH: He also says, "Sherlock, tell Dr. Watson that I occupy a minor position in the British government. And Happy Christmas." He says perhaps the two of us are more alike than he thought.

JW: You're obviously not doing a good enough job passing on the hate and how do you have lasagne?

SH: My mother made it, I told you, and we're in Tuscany.

JW: Oh, right, off the train. Punch Mycroft after dinner.

JW: Bring back wine then

SH: Will try. Give John his mobile back, Harry.

JW: btw cant wait to meet u johnnie says hi

SH: Did he wet his bed as a child?

JW: sometimes- no worries i sat on 'im after and he stopped

JW: srsly need wine

SH: I will make a valiant effort, Miss Harriet.

JW: nice wine

SH: Nothing but the best of course.

JW: thx let me know if you need dirt on my idiot brother

SH: Oh, I will.

JW: if you hurt him ill kill u kthx bye

JW: SEE?

SH: Your sister is charming, John, if in need of remedial grammar lessons, although I suppose two bottles of wine and…three Scotches will do that.

JW: I TOLD YOU. That and she hates this phone.

SH: Yes, well, she did give it to you.

JW: Which gives you an idea of this relationship.

SH: Did she really sit on you when you wet the bed?

JW: How are you not wearing trousers in Tuscany? Do you have a house there? (I'm ignoring your question)

SH: Mycroft says that the location of our house is classified

JW: You just told me.

SH: Hmm, so I did. Oops.

JW: Hah.

SH: It's not as though it's important to his minor government position, after all.

JW: If a SWAT team shows up I'm giving them Harry, it's her mobile.

SH: John, I want you to be aware that my brother is subject to occasional delusions, especially concerning his paranoid belief that I and the government are spying on him. –Mycroft

JW: See previous texts and I hate you

SH: If he believes that I am watching him, he behaves betthekskdfjsklfjsf

SH: HAH! I WIN!

JW: Good job.

SH: He can't run very quickly.

JW: Tell him it's his own fault.

SH: I did. Six times. Oh, and I'm not delusional.

JW: Uh-huh. If I tell you Harry's a fleeing suspect will you beat her up for me? Yes. Yes you will.

SH: No, I can get Mycroft to have it done though. He wet the bed until I told him about the Macdonald Triad.

JW: He's too lazy and the who?

SH: Not personally, his men.

SH: The triad of behaviors observed in 95% of serial murderers as children.

JW: Oh. You had all of them didn't you?

SH: Actually just two, and rather mildly.

JW: Don't lie, I'll get Mycroft to tell me

SH: He was only fourteen, he didn't have surveillance on me then.

JW: Uh huh

SH: I never tortured animals, just cut up dead ones, and I only set fire to a few very little things.

JW: Oh well then, you perfect angel.

SH: As though you never did.

JW: I don't think I ever did, no, though I've suppressed most of my childhood.

SH: She can't have been that bad, or was it your father?

JW: And outside influences.

SH: Poor John, did the other little children tease you?

JW: I don't want to talk about it

SH: Okay.

SH: So is that why you wet your bed?

JW: Not. Talking. About. It.

JW: My limp came back.

SH: Is it like hiccups?

JW: Uh, no.

SH: Seems kind of like hiccups.

JW: Figure it out already!

SH: You limp when you're bored.

JW: First it's psychosomatic then its hiccups and apparently I get a tremor when I'm bored?

SH: No no no

JW: Psychosomatic hiccup tremors?

SH: It is psychosomatic because it goes away when you're distracted ergo gets worse when you're bored. It's like hiccups because you can be shocked out of it.

SH: The tremor is in your left hand and disappears when you're focused or stressed.

JW: I hate you and your brother. Harry's singing.

SH: Good luck then.