Dec. 22 2010 17:41
JW: Got the milk?
SH: Why would I bring milk when neither of us is at the flat?
JW: Eventually we will need milk and you will be the one bringing it.
SH: Eventually, yes.
JW: When?
SH: When we are both back at the flat. I am still in France, or maybe Spain, and you are with your sister.
JW: You can't escape then, and come back before Christmas?
SH: No, sorry.
JW: It will be too late.
SH: The milk? For what?
JW: I will be dead.
SH: WHAT?
JW: Fratricide.
SH: Oh. That's not funny.
JW: You've never met Harry you don't know.
JW: And now I'm sharing a flat with you.
SH: Just give her some vodka and run. At least she's never kidnapped you.
JW: She's making assumptions about us. And she's an alcoholic, remember?
SH: So? She had a Clara, what does she care? Also, that's the point of the vodka.
JW: Sometimes…I wish I was an only child who lived alone.
SH: Were.
JW: Sorry?
SH: Conditional clause. Were, not was.
JW: You're getting coal for Christmas. You were my excuse not to come here.
SH: Mycroft's stuck me on a train with intermittent cell reception, three imbeciles, and a hideously boring mystery novel that I think is his idea of a joke, if it makes you feel any better.
SH: And next year, I will be your excuse, which would not be the case if you lived alone. I can ask Mycroft to kidnap you now if you'd like.
JW: Kidnap Harry. Also, why are you still on the train?
SH: Apparently we're picking up some documents in Spain. I loathe my brother.
JW: And you just acquieced.
JW: Acquiested.
SH: Acquiesced.
JW: Gave in?
JW: So close.
SH: Hardly. I've escaped four times. He's got the entire route under some kind of surveillance, I think they're ex-SAS.
SH: Ugh, time to go, I've got to steal these papers. Have fun with Harry, John.
JW: I hate you.
JW: Call me later.
Dec 22, 2010: 20:14
SH: I'm going to kill my brother –SH
JW: Strangers on a Train style?
SH: What? He's not on the train now. Anyway, he's just stuck a psychologist on here…
JW: Oh, right, pop culture. It's Hitchcock.
SH: Who?
JW: Ask the psychologist. And you deserve it.
SH: I do not.
JW: Yes you do. Oh, joy, dinnertime. Wish me luck.
SH: Have fun. Perhaps she'll pass out. Like the psychologist just did…
JW: That makes how many now?
SH: Seven.
JW: I've got a sudden urge to swim the Channel.
SH: Good luck with that and your shoulder.
Dec 22, 2010 22:34
JW: What's your opinion on fruitcake?
SH: What's fruitcake?
JW: Seriously? Cake with dried fruit and nuts and things in it soaked in rum…
SH: Oh. I have no opinion on fruitcake.
JW: Oh. Because my mum's made two enormous ones and she's threatening to send one home with me.
SH: Well, I can hate fruitcake.
JW: Too late, I told her you'd never had it.
SH: Idiot.
JW: I'm going to force feed it to you for that.
SH: Try. Bring a step stool.
SH: Tell her my brother is allergic to nuts and he's coming over for Boxing Day and I'd feel bad.
JW: No. He'd be entertained, and neither of us will be back for Boxing Day.
SH: Fine. I'm not eating your fruitcake.
JW: Yes you will.
JW: There's nothing to do here.
SH: Set the fruitcake on fire.
JW: They won't let me. I asked.
SH: Why would you do that?
JW: It's called flambé, Sherlock, and last time I tried it they freaked a bit.
SH: So?
JW: It's their house, not my flat.
SH: So?
JW: Harry threatened to sit on me again if I did.
SH: You're an army doctor, don't you know self-defence?
JW: You don't know Harry, and I'm injured.
SH: You should have taken your gun.
JW: Not killing my family, thanks.
SH: Just for threatening. Since apparently it's all right for Harry to assault you.
JW: You've got an older brother, you know what it's like.
SH: I'd shoot Mycroft if he sat on me. You know, if I didn't suffocate instantly from the pressure.
JW: We're not the same person.
SH: Obviously.
JW: Though I feel like you now.
SH: How's that?
JW: Bored.
SH: Set Harry on fire.
JW: I spy something starting with…T.
SH: Not even I can do this with so few data.
JW: T.
SH: Fine. Turkey.
JW: No.
SH: Tea.
JW: Not edible. It's probably on you.
SH: Trousers. I haven't actually.
JW: ….why?
JW: Sherlock.
SH: What? Am I right?
JW: Why are you not wearing trousers?
SH: Didn't feel like it. Don't worry John, I'm wearing underclothes.
JW: Please tell me
why I live with you and
that you're not on the train still and
that you're not under arrest in Spain for public nudity
SH: a) I relieve your tremor and boredom
b) I'm not
c) I'm in Italy
JW: I'm in pain and bored. You're not doing a very good job. Why are you in Italy?
SH: I'm not with you and tremors don't hurt.
JW: My leg hurts and it's all your fault.
SH: Ooh, Mummy made lasagne! And no, everything is Mycroft's fault.
JW: I hate you right now.
SH: Mycroft probably started the war. Hate him.
JW: You could have escaped if you wanted to. And you're closer.
SH: I did, four times, and he's right next to me.
SH: Oh, he says he did not start THAT war (emphasis added)
JW: Pass my sentiments on, will you?
SH: He also says, "Sherlock, tell Dr. Watson that I occupy a minor position in the British government. And Happy Christmas." He says perhaps the two of us are more alike than he thought.
JW: You're obviously not doing a good enough job passing on the hate and how do you have lasagne?
SH: My mother made it, I told you, and we're in Tuscany.
JW: Oh, right, off the train. Punch Mycroft after dinner.
JW: Bring back wine then
SH: Will try. Give John his mobile back, Harry.
JW: btw cant wait to meet u johnnie says hi
SH: Did he wet his bed as a child?
JW: sometimes- no worries i sat on 'im after and he stopped
JW: srsly need wine
SH: I will make a valiant effort, Miss Harriet.
JW: nice wine
SH: Nothing but the best of course.
JW: thx let me know if you need dirt on my idiot brother
SH: Oh, I will.
JW: if you hurt him ill kill u kthx bye
JW: SEE?
SH: Your sister is charming, John, if in need of remedial grammar lessons, although I suppose two bottles of wine and…three Scotches will do that.
JW: I TOLD YOU. That and she hates this phone.
SH: Yes, well, she did give it to you.
JW: Which gives you an idea of this relationship.
SH: Did she really sit on you when you wet the bed?
JW: How are you not wearing trousers in Tuscany? Do you have a house there? (I'm ignoring your question)
SH: Mycroft says that the location of our house is classified
JW: You just told me.
SH: Hmm, so I did. Oops.
JW: Hah.
SH: It's not as though it's important to his minor government position, after all.
JW: If a SWAT team shows up I'm giving them Harry, it's her mobile.
SH: John, I want you to be aware that my brother is subject to occasional delusions, especially concerning his paranoid belief that I and the government are spying on him. –Mycroft
JW: See previous texts and I hate you
SH: If he believes that I am watching him, he behaves betthekskdfjsklfjsf
SH: HAH! I WIN!
JW: Good job.
SH: He can't run very quickly.
JW: Tell him it's his own fault.
SH: I did. Six times. Oh, and I'm not delusional.
JW: Uh-huh. If I tell you Harry's a fleeing suspect will you beat her up for me? Yes. Yes you will.
SH: No, I can get Mycroft to have it done though. He wet the bed until I told him about the Macdonald Triad.
JW: He's too lazy and the who?
SH: Not personally, his men.
SH: The triad of behaviors observed in 95% of serial murderers as children.
JW: Oh. You had all of them didn't you?
SH: Actually just two, and rather mildly.
JW: Don't lie, I'll get Mycroft to tell me
SH: He was only fourteen, he didn't have surveillance on me then.
JW: Uh huh
SH: I never tortured animals, just cut up dead ones, and I only set fire to a few very little things.
JW: Oh well then, you perfect angel.
SH: As though you never did.
JW: I don't think I ever did, no, though I've suppressed most of my childhood.
SH: She can't have been that bad, or was it your father?
JW: And outside influences.
SH: Poor John, did the other little children tease you?
JW: I don't want to talk about it
SH: Okay.
SH: So is that why you wet your bed?
JW: Not. Talking. About. It.
JW: My limp came back.
SH: Is it like hiccups?
JW: Uh, no.
SH: Seems kind of like hiccups.
JW: Figure it out already!
SH: You limp when you're bored.
JW: First it's psychosomatic then its hiccups and apparently I get a tremor when I'm bored?
SH: No no no
JW: Psychosomatic hiccup tremors?
SH: It is psychosomatic because it goes away when you're distracted ergo gets worse when you're bored. It's like hiccups because you can be shocked out of it.
SH: The tremor is in your left hand and disappears when you're focused or stressed.
JW: I hate you and your brother. Harry's singing.
SH: Good luck then.
