A/N: Thank you so much for reviewing the first part of this two-part fic! Made me so happy to know I was not the only one bothered with how the show dealt with this storyline. This chapter takes place at the end of 1x12, and again it's my mind refusing to accept the lack of scenes regarding this storyline.
Would love to know what you think!
"I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love"
When he planned their 25th anniversary he didn't imagine this is how it was going to be. He imagined them retracting their first anniversary, spending a wonderful weekend together, finally able to be with just each other. He imagined them making out, having sex, cuddling. Anything besides fighting.
As he was lying in bed next to her, wide awake, he couldn't stop wondering what went wrong that made this weekend such a disaster. It was a fact she was bothered with the whole situation with Stevie, and that she was scared to leave work like this. It was also a fact that the cancellation of his op got to him harder than he expected but it wasn't any of these things. It was the fact that he was yelling at her for no apparent reason; It was the fact that she told him, one way or another, that she can't trust him. And he couldn't blame her. He promised her to never lie to her. After confronting him about his supposed affair he swore he would tell her what he can and let her know when the information was classified. But not bluntly lie to her like he did. Truth was he loved working for the NSA. He loved the thrill it gave him. But he knew how hard it was on her – she was worried about him, sad they had nothing to discuss, afraid his cover will be blown and he'll be at great danger. So he lied, to protect her and maybe to protect his own little secret as well. He did not expect this to blow up in his face like this and he certainly did not expect it to blow up in her face like this.
They haven't discussed it. Not when they arrived back to the hotel, not during the night they spent together, not even the next evening when they ate Chinese and played Scrabble. But she didn't have to say anything. He knew she was hurt, he felt her keeping some distance from him. He also knew she was trying to push it because she didn't want to be angry with him. But Henry knew her far too well to see behind all of this and know he deeply hurt her, and she was angry he didn't keep his promise. It was subtle, really – she was only half kissing him, just lightly hugging him, and almost 2 miles away from him in their bed.
He sighed and got out of bed. He wasn't sleeping anyway and he didn't want to wake her. Plus, it was almost unbearable to lie there without holding her.
He was lying on the couch, a dim light from the lamp next to him was flickering his face. He was reading a book, but he must've read the same line 20 times by now. He couldn't stop beating himself for being so stupid, for hurting her so much. Things were delicate between them as it is since he started working for the NSA, so this was certainly not helping. He wondered if he would ever be able to really fix this, to gain her trust back completely. Because Elizabeth was always suspicious with everyone. He didn't know if it was her CIA job or events that happened in her life that made her this way but since he knew her she was always second guessing people and their agendas. It took him a long time and some great measures to make her fully trust him. It frustrated him how, with one stupid act, he managed to lose her trust and destroy all that he's worked so hard to build.
He was so busy with his thoughts that he didn't hear her when she called his name. It was when she lightly touched his arm that he jumped, surprised to find her standing so close to him. "Hey, honey, why are you up?"
She smiled "I could ask you the same question".
"I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake you".
Elizabeth nodded, sinking on the couch next to him.
Henry sighed. He wanted to apologize, to explain himself, to make her trust him again. He wanted to turn back time and undo what he did, but he couldn't. He didn't want to be the one to bring it up, because he knew how hard she was trying to fight the anger and hurt, but he wanted her to talk to him. He wanted her to give him a chance to explain himself. To make things better.
"Liz" he said, sitting up. She looked at him, they were suddenly so close and he could see her bright blue eyes darkening. He slowly caressed her cheek and she closed her eyes, giving into his touch. He moved forward and his lips rested softly on hers as he kissed her gently. She didn't resist but she wasn't cooperating as well. She wasn't even sure why. Of course she was mostly hurt by him, but still, she loved him and he was her husband and she knew she would get over it at some point. But she couldn't bring herself to let her guard down. She couldn't shake the thought that the last time she did it, he hurt her again.
"I love you. So much".
She stared at him, trying to ignore the lump in her throat. She knew he was trying to apologize for what he had done, for their anniversary being ruined, for everything that happened in these past few months. "I love you too Henry" she smiled, but deep down she felt like crying.
Henry sighed again. She was not going to open up to him and it frustrated him. He wanted her to yell at him, to tell him how badly he hurt her. He wanted anything but this silence and this distance.
"Maybe we should try to get some sleep?" she finally spoke.
"No. No. We need to talk. I am not going to lie so far away from you in bed and pretend like everything's okay".
"Henry…"
"No, babe. You have every right to be mad, I was a complete ass. So come on, be mad, let me have it. Just don't be so silent, I can't bear it".
"I don't see the point Henry. I know you couldn't tell me much about your op, so I can't really blame you for this".
"We both know that's not why you're so hurt Liz".
Elizabeth sighed. He knew her too well and sometimes she really wished he didn't. "Look, I'm not mad. I'm just hurt. You promised you wouldn't lie to me and when I asked you if the NSA thing was over and if you liked it, you held me in your arms and lied to me. And that has nothing to do with the op being secretive. This was between us Henry. I told you in the car when we rode back from the restaurant – I have to be able to trust you for this relationship to work. And I have trusted you up until you lied to me again. And now, I just feel that if we go back to how things were before, I'm afraid you'll hurt me again like you did this time. And maybe even do something you promised you wouldn't – cheat".
Henry opened his mouth to answer, to tell her she was crazy because he would never cheat, but before he could speak she lifted her hand, as if to stop him.
"Don't. I know what you're going to say – that this is different and that it has nothing to do with how much you love me and that you will never cheat. But Henry, when you hold me in your arms and lie to me, there's no guarantee you won't cheat if you ever get bored with me. And I just can't live with this thought in my head, it will drive me crazy to constantly wonder where you are, who you are with and if you still love me. This is not the life I signed up for".
"I don't want you to feel that way. Not now, not ever. Please tell me there's something I can do to make this all better. To reassure you that I will never hurt you this way. I am so so sorry for what I have done, and I know it was thoughtless and I hurt you in so many ways, and it was wrong. I just, I couldn't tell you that the op wasn't really over or that I had hoped there would be more ops because I was really enjoying it, I just couldn't".
"But Henry, that's exactly the problem, that's why I'm so hurt, that's why I fear you'd lie again or cheat. Because you couldn't tell me the truth, and I don't even know why. Henry, our relationship is based on talking. We have such great communication, and if you can't tell me the truth about how you feel, then something is clearly wrong between us".
"I know it sounds stupid right now, but I didn't want to hurt you. I figured, if the op is almost over anyway, what was the point in worrying you? And it's not like they offered me a job so it didn't really matter if I liked working for them or not. And I saw how it affected you, and I just… I didn't want you to bear this burden".
"It's not a burden. Yes, I was scared to death something will happen to you, and it proved to be justified since Klaus was on to you and showed up out of nowhere. Henry, he could've tried to kill you if you were alone. But that's not the point. It's like you said the night I found out – it's the life we signed up for. But you keeping it from me isn't. I get that you were trying to protect me, but I would've appreciated the truth much more".
Henry nodded. He realized it before she even said it, but it was already too late to fix what he had done. "I want to promise you I will never do it again – lie to you. But you won't believe me, and you have every right not to. I will just work every single day to earn your trust back, to show you I mean what I say and I am never going to do that again. But I can't stand the thought of you thinking that I can cheat. I get why you feel that way, but I don't want you to. I… Tell me I can do something to change it. Please" he whispered, his eyes welling with tears.
Elizabeth turned around to face him, her hand resting on his chest. She wanted to promise him she wouldn't, that she would forget about it and let it go. But she couldn't. The fact that he lied, and he lied while being so intimate with her in their bed, holding her so close, it broke her. He promised her forever, so how could he hold her like that and still lie to her? How could she ever let him hold her like that again and not wonder if he held another woman in his arms when he wasn't with her. She was crying by now, unable to swallow down her tears anymore. She hated that they were at this place, unable to move forward. She wanted so badly to reassure him, to tell him he can fix it. And she wanted more than anything for him to be able to fix it. She knew, in time, she would trust him again completely and blindly, but right now there really was nothing he could do. He had apologized more times than she could count and she knew fair well he meant it. She could see in his eyes it hurt him right to his core that he did what he did, that he would go to the moon and back if it changed his actions.
When she didn't answer he wiped away her tears and kissed her cheek. He then leaned in and hesitantly kissed her lips, still feeling her distance.
"Henry…" She whispered when he backed away.
"You're the only one Elizabeth, you always will be. I swear. I'll spend the rest of your life making sure you know you're the only one, you're all I have".
She nodded, because she didn't really know what else to say. She knew he was serious – he was going to work so hard to make sure she never doubts him or his loyalty to her. She looked at the rings on her finger, slightly sparkling from the dim light next to them. For better or for worse, that's what they promised. This was worse, she thought. She must get over it, she can't let it define who they are. He was loyal to her since the day they met and if some circumstances brought him to lie to her, it couldn't demolish everything they had, everything they were.
She leaned forward and kissed him, fully present this time, falling completely into his touch, into his lips, into his embrace. Life was too short she thought. The last thing she wanted was to spend one minute away from him. She'll need time to get over this, but right now she chose to fall for his words, to let all the guards down.
"Never again, baby. I promise. Never again". He whispered on her lips before kissing her again.
He carried her to bed, her arms wrapping around his neck, her head resting on his shoulder. He lied in bed next to her and pulled her closer, and she let him surround her with his arms. He moved his hands through her hair and she closed her eyes, feeling the weight of the past few days being lifted from her shoulders. It's enough for now, she thought.
"I love you. Couldn't stop even if I wanted to" He whispered.
"Don't. Don't ever stop loving me. I need you" she said and kissed him again.
"So let's go back there, back to the start
Swear I'm never gonna leave you
Cause you're the only one I want
Let's go back there, back to the start
Swear I'm never gonna leave you
Cause you're the only one I want"
FIN
