Cal sits at a small table across from me. His posture is regal, he is a silver tonight. This is not the Cal I fell in love with, but it's Cal. I should be grateful I get to spend at least some time alone with him. A red servant scurries in with plates of food, the quickly retreats. I've told Cal to send them all home many times, but old habits die hard. To all the silvers, really, us reds are still inferior.
For some reason, Cal can't bring himself to meet my eyes. He pushes his food around with his fork absentmindedly. Like me, he should be happy. We should be rejoicing his taking of the throne and the victory of the scarlet guard. But as an equal Norta grows closer to becoming a reality, Cal and I grow farther apart.
"Listen, Mare." Cal says, still staring at his food. "I have things to get done… If you're not going to say anything I'll just-"
"No!" I cry out. "No. Don't go. Please don't go." I take his hand. "I'm your wife. I can help you, I can-"
Now it's his turn to cut me off. "I don't think that's the best idea. The silvers are still very riled up. Change isn't easy, Mare. They won't take well to a red being involved in such important matters. Even with," He pauses, and waves his hands around, gesturing, as is that helps explain anything. He takes in my puzzled face. "Everything that's happened."
I do my best not to shout. To cause a scene, or fry all the lightbulbs in the palace. Still, sparks dance across my hands, begging to be let loose. I force them away. "I won't be cast aside. I won't be some political pawn for you to move around. I will not be used. Never again." I say, my voice soft, but firm as steel. During life at court, my silver voice has been perfected. "I'm coming to all the council meetings, and all the negotiations. Everywhere you go, I'll go. I will not speak from some stupid script you've formulated, or stay silent. I will say what's on my mind, I will speak for my people. This country can no longer be completely silver led. And if you're not okay with that, well, there can always be another rebellion. A new king"
Cal slumps. Really, he has no choice. Cal loves me, despite being always busy, and never spending anytime with me. And he'll respect my wishes. "Fine." He mutters, defeat glinting in his eyes.
We finish our dinner in complete silence. As soon as I finish, I simply stand up and stalk out.
In my sleep, I'm stalked by ghosts. Ghosts of people I've killed, ghosts of people I let die. These dreams haunt me every night. Only once has Cal asked me about them. I haven't brought it up since then. Sometimes, Maven joins the chorus of ghosts. He isn't dead, but he might as well be, wasting away in the cells, kept alive by my strange pity, and Cal's hope that he can be fixed. But I know there's no fixing Maven. He is what his mother made him, but that's also just who he is. A monster. A broken boy. A part of a story we're all part of, but no one quite understands. We all know his destiny isn't to rot in a cell forever. But we don't quite know what his destiny is. If Jon knows, he won't tell us. My theory is that even Jon can't see Maven's future. It's too twisted, too jumbled.
When I wake, I bolt upright, in cold sweat. Cal doesn't move. He sleeps like rock.
I try to go back to sleep, to shake my dreams. But there's no point. I lie awake, with his eyes ingrained in my mind. Cold, hollow, empty. Blue, burning, yet cold. Maven's eyes are not ones you can just forget. They stay with you, forever.
I have to get away from here, before I go crazy.
I have to stay here, or nothing will change, despite all I've already done.
I have to do something.
Still in my nightgown, I escape to the corridors. Away from Cal's constant heat, I can breathe easier. I break into a steady jog, running through the hallways. It's been so long since I've gone on a run.
I go where my feet take me. Until I'm at the top of the stairs leading to the cells. I pause, for what seems like ages. Then, slowly, I descend.
The cold of the stone stings my bare feet for a moment, then it passes. I stand in front of him. To my surprise, he's awake, staring at me. At least Maven can meet my eyes. At least he can look at me for more than five seconds before turning away in shame.
I stand there, looking stupid. My hair is a mess, and I bet there are dark circles under my eyes. I bet I look just as awful as I feel.
"Mare." He says, breaking the ever constant silence that is our norm. "How nice, you've come to visit me on my birthday."
I don't know what to say. And my mouth always moves faster than my brain. "One question." He looks puzzled. "A question. You get one question." What seems like ages ago, Maven gave me one question for my birthday. He seems to remember, as understanding flashes over his face.
"Mare." He says again. "Did you ever love me?"
I step back, as if he had just slapped me.
"Did I…" I trail off. "Did I ever love you?"
He nods.
"Yes."
"Still?"
"I-" I catch myself. He caught me off guard. "One question. Only one."
Then I run back up the stairs, back to my room, back to Cal. Because I feel cold. Very cold. And only his fire can stop my heart from freezing.
