Rayne Shepard woke from disjointed dreams momentarily disorientated. Remnants of battles fought and faces loved coming together in ugly clashes sent her skin crawling. She blinked, lying still until she had gathered her thoughts. It all came back to her all in a rush – Ilos, Vigil, Saren… Kaidan.
She turned over, brushing her hair over her eyes and squinting slightly against the light of the lamp.
Kaidan was still there, his head resting on his forearms as he sat at her desk. She could see the telltale glow peeking out from under his arms. He had no doubt fallen asleep again typing up his mission report. They seemed to keep missing each other, she thought as she finally sat up and pushed back the sheets. She was mildly startled to realise she was only in her Alliance issue tank top and underwear – Kaidan must have finished undressing her when she was asleep and her cheeks went pink at the thought.
She sat up, casting her eyes around the cabin to see where her uniform might be and spied it sitting in a neatly folded pile on the floor beside her bed. It made her smile to herself knowing that Kaidan had taken the time to straighten them as she slept.
With a rustle of the sheets, she sat up and reached for them, knocking a datapad that had been balancing precariously on her bedside table to the floor with a clatter. She cringed as Kaidan jerked awake with a grunt, sitting up suddenly and rubbing his eyes.
"Shepard. Hey. Sorry, I must have, ah. Fallen asleep." He looked down at the datapads on the desk as though surprised to see them. "Still tired, I guess."
"I'm not surprised," she answered. "How long have I been asleep?" And did you stay here the whole time? She didn't say the last part out loud.
"Almost seven hours by my watch," he said, glancing at his omni-tool. "Joker docked us on the Citadel and they've started repairs. Most of the crew have disembarked, Anderson's got them helping with the clean-up."
"Why wasn't I notified?" she asked frowning, surprised at the changes while she was asleep.
"Anderson didn't want you disturbed. He was pretty pissed that the Council hauled you in already. I think he wanted to be debriefed first."
Shepard groaned inwardly at that. "Great, he's going to kick my ass for that."
Kaidan let a low chuckle rumbled from his chest. "Can't really say no to the Council," he replied with a shrug.
"No, but they can certainly say no to us."
She glanced back down at her uniform, just out of arms reach then back at the biotic sitting at the cabin desk. He was rubbing the back of his neck and turning his head as though trying to work out the kinks in his neck. She couldn't imagine it must have been very comfortable asleep there and she wondered why he didn't just climb in beside her under the sheets. She would have.
"Shepard, about… about last night-"
"Last night after Saren last night? Or… before Ilos?" she interrupted. The final fight against the rogue spectre already felt like years ago but the night they spent together was still as fresh as a memory could be. She swore if she concentrated hard enough, she could still feel the zing of his touch on her body.
"Before Illos," he clarified. His expression was closed off, too much like he was thinking like her subordinate, not her equal. And in this cabin, at that moment, she considered them equals. She tried to lighten the mood.
"I seem to be at a bit of a disadvantage here for this conversation," she tugged on the sheet ruefully, glancing up at him.
"Oh," he looked startled then his cheeks went faintly pink. "I'll let you dress."
Kaidan turned to leave but Shepard let out a low huff. "I was thinking more that you could join me."
He went very still, turning to her with a guarded expression. Shepard wasn't sure she liked that. She continued. "You said the crew's all gone, it's just us left on board?"
He nodded. "As far as I know."
"I guess we have time now to work out what this is, huh?"
"Yeah," he agreed softly. "We do."
She patted the sheets beside her in invitation. "Come here."
He didn't need to be told twice, moving easily to the bed and causing the mattress to dip. She pushed the sheet away and quickly rolled over to straddle him, keenly aware of the way the buckles and buttons of his uniform pressed against the exposed flesh of her thighs.
"Shepard," he breathed. She half expected him to hold back, but he lifted his hands and slid them up under her shirt to skim over her back and she leaned down to kiss him, brushing her lips over his and shivering involuntarily as his touch became firmer.
It seemed that neither of them wanted to broach the subject first, at least not with words anyway. There was a lot unsaid between them but it was impossible to deny the way her body reacted to his touch. It wasn't just her body that reacted, but her mind – becoming quiet and clear when she heard his voice. He was quickly becoming her anchor, something to keep her grounded when it all seemed too much and the stress threatened to overwhelm her. It was a little frightening. She had relied on herself alone for so long, to have someone else to lean on was a new experience.
The sudden doubts made her pause and the blood ran cold in her veins. Kaidan sensed the shift and broke away from the kiss. Without thinking, she tried to move away but his hands were circled around her wrists lightly enough for her to realise she didn't really want to move.
She looked away and sighed heavily. "This is going to be complicated, isn't it."
It wasn't really a question and when he didn't respond, she tugged away from him again. He made no move to stop her this time, his eyes dark and shadowed. She suddenly felt vulnerable in only her underwear and reached for her uniform with her back to him. She heard him shift behind her on the bed as she pulled on her shirt, then her pants, each layer feeling like a piece of armour shielding her heart and her emotions.
The truth was that she needed him in so many ways but her need to fight the reapers was the need that mattered most. She wasn't sure she could do that without him at her side – after all, he had been there since the beginning, since Eden Prime and the beacon. He was there on Virmire, at Illos when they talked to Virgil. He knew the fight ahead of them and she needed someone she could trust. But she didn't want their night together to fade into obscurity, never to be repeated.
She sat on the edge of the bed feeling oddly deflated. She felt the brush of his hand against her hair and almost sighed at the touch. She wanted to lean into him so badly.
"I'll talk to Anderson later. Request a transfer if that's what you want."
She stiffened at his words before turning slowly. His eyes were downcast but he dragged them up to meet hers when she turned. "After last night, I can't pretend I don't feel anything for you, Shepard. I can't be the one to hold you back."
It took a moment for his words to register in her confusion. The idea of him leaving the Normandy made her stomach drop to the floor. She tried to picture the crew without him and it felt wrong. Not only because she would lose an incredible solider, but because she realised he had her heart. It was selfish, but she wanted to be able to see him each day, to talk to him. They worked so well together as a team and she trusted him in combat like she trusted few else.
"Kaidan, no… that's not the answer."
"Isn't it?" He looked sad. "What I feel for you, Shepard… I can't deny it."
"Then don't," she hissed suddenly, a faint sense of panic welling up in her and catching her completely off guard. In that moment she couldn't bear the thought of being without him – in any capacity. "What is it going to take for you to realise that I feel the same way. Kaidan, I've never felt like this about anyone. I… I'm not sure I could let you leave."
The expressions played across his face from elation to confusion. She hurried on.
"I need you in this fight. We took down Saren, we have to stick together. Not just combat but-" She shook her head. "I want to know what this is, Kaidan. What we could be together. And I know you do too."
"I do, Shepard." The intensity of his look sent a shiver down her spine. She could see the emotion in his eyes. The longing. And something that looked horribly like regret. "But the rules against fraternization are there for a reason and-" he shook his head. "I don't want to sneak around."
"And I don't want to lose you. So where does that leave us?"
His mouth opened then closed again, and she waited for what felt like an eternity. She could feel her stubbornness rising to the fore. She wasn't willing to let him go. She knew she needed to overcome his resistance and she knew that he wanted it too… but it hurt to see the reluctance in his eyes. She wanted to continue this, to see where it could lead them, regs be damned. She wanted him fighting beside her in combat and she wanted him in her arms when they weren't.
"I'm a spectre now," she said suddenly, taking a different tack. She wanted to banish the distance yawning between them. She edged closer to him and took his large hand in her own. "Maybe the regs won't apply like they used to."
She said the words softly, hopefully while trailing her fingertips over his palm. She felt him shudder and when he caught her gaze, she saw a flicker of hope there. She wanted to sing with elation. He entwined his fingers with hers and pulled them into his lap.
"Don't leave Kaidan. I need you."
She cupped his cheek with her free hand, bringing him closer so she could kiss him and he kissed her back with a need that caught her by surprise. In a heartbeat, she was flat on her back on the sheets, arching up as Kaidan's lips travelled from her mouth to her neck and back again. She moaned softly and he shifted, resting his forehead against her own.
"Shepard, don't… don't say it if you don't mean it. Or I won't be able to leave."
"Let's just take the regs one day at a time," she whispered, brushing her fingers down his cheek. The stubble on his jaw was rough under her fingertips. "We still don't know where we stand with the Alliance. After all, we did mutiny-"
"Stole a warship," he murmured as he leaned in for another kiss.
"Breaking regs-" she gasped as he grazed his teeth against the skin of her jaw. Dear god but he made her body sing in a way she never realised it could. "… will be the least of our worries."
She indulged herself in his loving ministrations for a few moments longer, enjoying every trace and whispered breath against her skin. His touch was gentle but strong. She loved the way he held her, as though she was made of something precious and special. She'd been treated as ass-kicking, unbreakable Commander Shepard for so long it felt so incredibly good to let herself go, to allow herself to feel vulnerable, to give over her power to someone else. She knew she was safe with him. Kaidan would never hurt her.
"Kaidan," she sighed his name. She loved to say it, the way it sat on her tongue just felt right. It all felt right. And it had been so many years since anything had felt like this.
He drew back, reluctantly breaking contact and watching her with his beautiful dark eyes. She swallowed then, suddenly nervous. Although she was confident of his feelings for her, a small part of her still beat about her mind, terrified of potential rejection. She pushed herself up and he moved, a tinge of disappointment in his gaze. There was nothing more she would like to do than to feel him pressed over her but what she needed to say next… she needed it to be said without the distraction of physical contact.
The captain's cabin of an Alliance warship probably wasn't the best place to have this discussion, she realised belatedly. She could feel the pressure of their duty weighing down on them. It was easier now for her to shake it off, becoming a Spectre had given her a freedom she had long missed. But for Kaidan, it was different. What she wanted from him could cause him to lose everything but he'd already proven he'd believed in her enough to go against everything to be beside her in her fight. She just hoped he believed in them too.
"If we're going to do this…" She stood and began to pace in front of him, her brow furrowed. Then she stopped and looked at him directly in the eye, realising she was about to lay it all out on the line and she could either end up with everything she wanted, or send him scurrying to Anderson. "It has to be real Kaidan. I'm not willing to risk our careers over a casual fling-"
He looked hurt at that. "I'm not like that Shepard-"
"I know you're not," she inwardly cursed herself, frustrated it wasn't coming out like she needed to. She wasn't used to words failing her. She cast around for a better way to express herself and came up lacking. "I just need to say this – If we do this, it has to be for the long haul. You and me as a team. We beat the reapers, we live happily ever after."
She could see the thought churning in his eyes and wondered briefly if she'd misjudged the intensity of their feelings. Kaidan didn't seem the sort to shy away from commitment but his silence made her pause. In the stillness, she perched back beside him on the bed. Gingerly, she took his hand, turning over his palm and casting her eyes down, trying to hide the anxiety starting to churn in her gut. She didn't want him to see that and feel guilty and agree to something he felt he should just to make her happy. No, she needed him to come into this of his own free will, without coercion or some misguided sense of duty.
"Take some time to think about it."
She patted his hand awkwardly then wondered why she did that before rising to her feet again to put some distance between them. She moved to the door and her hand hovered over the panel, making it clear she wanted him to leave. It was cowardly to boot him out after dropping such a bombshell on him but she knew she couldn't have him stay nearby without being reduced to begging, or worse - commanding. "You're going to be putting your career on the line; you need to decide if I'm worth it."
She opened the door and gestured him through and without a word he rose and took a number of steps.
"Shepard-"
"No pressure, Kaidan. You know how I feel about you but I can handle rejection if that's what you're worried about. It won't change things. It won't change this crew." She forced a grin to her face to soften the words. It was important that he feel he could make the decision himself, that he not take it as some kind of subconscious demand. She wanted him to be as committed as she was. "We'll talk later," she said softly. She watched the broad planes of his back shift under his uniform as walked away.
The door slid shut behind him, leaving her alone with her thoughts. The sudden silence and emptiness hit her hard, giving her a strangely sick feeling in her stomach she wasn't expecting. It wasn't often she felt out of control like this. It made her anxious to wonder what his decision might be. Could she really treat him as just another solider if he decided to peruse his career and not their relationship? She shoved the thought aside as quickly as it came. Of course she could, she just wouldn't enjoy it.
Determined to find something else to occupy her thoughts and to ignore the churning of her gut, she crossed the cabin quickly, grabbing up the data pads and starting to read through the reports Kaidan had written, thinking about what she needed to add to her own, how much detail she needed to include. It would sound incredulous no matter what she put down but she dare not leave any part out. Their reports would no doubt be circled amongst the highest of Alliance brass so it was important they knew everything she did.
She was momentarily distracted thinking about the reports and the events of the last few days that door to her cabin sliding open again almost didn't register. She glanced up in surprise, not sure who it could be, Kaidan having explained to her earlier that only a skeleton crew remained on board. Perhaps it was one of the maintenance crew ready to do a once over of the cabin and she opened her mouth to ask them to come back at a later time. As she turned she was startled to see Kaidan standing there, his arms limp at his sides and his mouth set in a rough line.
"Kaidan? What's wrong?"
"I know what my decision is, Shepard."
His voice was low and he sounded pained and all at once, her stomach dropped even further. It felt like it plummeted so low it was currently sitting in the cargo bay. She sighed a little, putting down the datapad and trying to ignore the ache that suddenly blossomed in her chest. Judging by the harrowed look on his face, she guessed the news wouldn't be what she'd hoped for and it hurt already. She steeled herself and straightened up.
"It's all right, Lieutenant," she answered brusquely, pulling on her CO mask. "I understand."
For a moment, Kaidan looked confused. She could see that the use of his rank had caught him off guard, as though he suddenly wasn't sure if he was there in a formal capacity or not. He frowned and lifted his hands. "Shepard, no, you don't understand."
Now it was her turn to be confused. She dropped the datapad to the desk as a tiny sliver of hope unfurled inside her. She tried to ignore the sudden increase in tempo of her heartbeat. She almost couldn't bear to breathe.
"Then tell me."
He strode into the room, the door sliding shut behind him and once again enveloping them in their own private bubble. The light from her lamp washed over his olive skin, lighting up his amber eyes and showing her a look of absolute determination painted there. She'd only seen that look on the battlefield, when he was concentrating hard manipulating dark energy to take out the enemy. It unsettled her. Did he think she was the enemy?
"I've been pacing outside for what felt like forever, wondering how I could have let you push me out like that before I could say what I needed to say."
He came to a stop directly in front of her, reaching for her hands and clasping them tightly. The touch of his skin on hers felt so good and once again she was struck by what a good fit he was for her. His thumbs ghosted over her bare wrists and a shiver rolled down her spine.
"I wanted you to have time to think, to consider all your options, Kaidan. It's a big decision. Not one I want you to take lightly."
"And I won't," he stressed. "I haven't. The truth is Shepard, I've been thinking about this for days. And I know what I want." He lifted one of her hands and held it to his cheek. "I want this. I want you. You're the most incredible woman I've ever known."
A warm flush fluttered over her skin at his words and the tight little box of emotion she'd tried to keep buried down abruptly exploded inside her. The sudden onslaught made her feel faintly dizzy. She hadn't realised then how nervous she had been, how unsure that maybe he wasn't ready for what she wanted. It was crazy, she knew. To want to fast forward their fledgling relationship so quickly, but they had worked side by side for months now. She had seen him when he fought, how he soldiered on when his migraines tried to bring him down. They had talked long into the nights, they'd gotten through the loss of a dear friend together. And they had faced the wrath of the galaxy by following their steadfast beliefs. She had seen his kindness, his integrity, his commitment to the mission at hand. Aside from the physical attraction, she understood that they knew each other well enough to do this and he did too. They'd gone through hell together and found a heaven waiting for them in each other.
She smiled then, a real heartfelt smile that lit up the room and made her laugh. The darkness in his eyes faded at the sound. She wasn't sure who moved first but it didn't matter. His arms were around her and his lips were brushing over hers tenderly for a few heartbeats before she flexed her fingers and tightened her grip on him. He responded in kind, wrapping her up tight and deepening the kiss until she was practically drowning. The elation from defeating Saren and destroying Sovereign paled in comparison to what she was feeling in that moment.
When the kiss finally broke, he cradled her close so she could lay her head on his chest. She felt him chuckle, his shoulders shaking lightly and she drew back with a raised eyebrow. "What's so funny?"
"I never thought I would be standing here trying to decide if it's too early to ask my commanding officer to marry me." His expression turned serious again. "Because that's what I want, Shepard. I know we have a lot to do now, convincing the council to take the reaper threat as real and fighting them, but when it's all over…."
He trailed off when she lifted a finger to his lips. Her voice cracked slightly and she could feel stinging behind her eyes.
"Ask me when it's all over. I promise my answer will be yes."
