Okay, so I forgot to put some disclaimers in the beginning, so I'm putting them in now. I don't know it they serve a point or not, but I don't want to be sued. So all Harry Potter characters belong to Rowling or Warner Bros. or whoever legally owns them because we're a money-grubbing society and everything has to be owned. Also, no offense is meant to any celebrities or ex-celebrities that may be mocked in this story. . .so yeah I think that pretty much does it. Moving on. . .

* * * * *

11 years later, Harry is in his cupboard under the stairs, which unknown to everyone else he has turned into a secret laboratory. . .Harry's Laboratory.

Cheesy theme music starts playing.

Out in Harry's Laboratory

Lives the weirdest boy you've ever seen

But Voldemort wants to blow him

To smithereens.

He's got loot and voom

And will soon go boom

In Harry's Laboratory.

Err. . .right, like that. So Harry's in his laboratory not doing much of anything but watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Harry: Oh Buffy. . .Buffy

Suddenly, Aunt Petunia's voice jerks him out of his actions

Petunia: Make breakfast

Harry(in a higher pitched voice that usual): Okay, but it might take me a little longer than usual, the air-compressed elevator's broken.

Petunia: What?

Harry: Nothing.

So Harry whips on his pink lacy apron and goes to work making breakfast. The Durselys were waiting for him.

Dudley: Oh cripes, where'd you get that bloody scar?

Harry: You mean the one I've had for 11 years?

Dudley: Oh yeah! Where the radiation-mutilated satanic squirrel from Thailand attacked you right?

Harry: Yeah, with three eyes.

It was an odd-shaped scare to be sure. It read "Make 7 up yours" but Harry's bangs covered the top part of the slogan so all people saw was "up yours". Meanwhile, the mail came which Harry went to retrieve, still in his pink frilly apron. After he was thoroughly beaten up by the stoners that stalked the corner, he stumbled in and saw a letter addressed to him.

Mr. H. Potter

This is the secret your relatives have been keeping from you for your whole life! Open it quickly! If they know you have it in hand, they'll steal it from you at all costs! Just to keep the information that we sent this letter a complete secret, the mailman was terminated immediately after delivery. Now quickly!!!!!!

Confused on what to do next, Harry consulted his uncle.

Harry: Hey Big-V, I got a letter.

Vernon: Open it then.

Harry: But it says that you don't want me to do so, plus I'm afraid of papercuts.

Vernon: Fine, give it to me.

He does and Vernon puts it on the table Harry's sitting at, easily within Harry's reach.

Harry(overdramatically): Darn it!!!! Thwarted again!!

Cycle continues for several days.

Vernon: That's it, we're moving.

Petunia: Surely the letters aren't that bad!

Vernon: No, not really. But I've been caught in an illegal drill- smuggling operation and I have Cuban assassins on my tail.

Petunia: You've been working illegally all this time?. . . And I haven't seen a dime of this extra money!

Vernon: Yeah, it all goes to the prostitutes.

Petunia: How dare you!

Vernon: Not for me, for Dudley

Harry: Ewww

Petunia: Aww, my little Dudleykins becoming a man. . .well that explains the herpes medication you asked for on your birthday.

Vernon: Yeah alright, let's go, on the road again.

Suddenly, all four are struck with an image of Bin Laden being chased by President Bush and Colin Powell.

Harry: What's with that weird dude's turban?