Insanity Is Contagious

Author's note: After I wrote this chapter, I had a-I guess you would call it a flash of insipration. Anyway, I thought: What would Michael do when Kenny showed up at the Computer Club meeting after his…declaration of love. And I took a reviewer's advice and put in Michael's reaction to Mia's list of guys she could spend eternity with. I don't think it's too good, but anyway, the new parts are in the middle of the chapter. And I've put hints as to what the new chapter is about.

Rating: PG (if you've read the books, you'll be fine with this)

Paring: Michael/Mia

Spoliers: Everything through Princess in Love

Characters: Michael's POV

Disclaimer: The Princess Diaries and Michael Moscovitz don't belong to me, they belong to Meg Cabot.

Tuesday, December 9th

I cannot believe what is going on in this school. Everyone has evidently gone crazy from the stress of the upcoming finals. Lilly is willing to start yet another one of her deranged campaigns for mankind, this time a walkout.

No, I'm not kidding. She wants to stage a walkout in December, in the middle of the freaking street in the middle of freaking winter.

I always knew Lilly was psychotic, but this whacked-out idea takes the cake in the history of Lilly's whacked-out ideas.

And I've also lost my mind. That's the only explanation I can think of for why I'm actually involved with a school event. The Computer Club actually has a booth at this year's Nondenominational Winter Dance, and I'm helping.

Yes, I, Michael I'd-Rather-Die-Than-Go-To-A-School-Event Moscovitz am actually helping at one.

At least when I went to the Cultural Diversity Dance, I had a legitimate excuse, seeing as how I wanted to make sure Josh Richter didn't hurt Mia. I'm not really sure what I thought I could do, since Mia does have a bodyguard and all.

So I've gone crazy, Lilly's gone even crazier than usual, (something I thought was impossible until now) and now Kenny Showalter's lost it.

Yeah, Kenny has now succumbed to what I now call Pre-Finals-Stress-Syndrome. How do I know that Kenny's finally lost his sanity? Simple.

Okay, I'm walking out of chemistry, talking to Judith, when I see Kenny in the crowd. Mia's also around, but she's farther off. (I've evidently grown this sixth sense where I instantly know if Mia's anywhere nearby.)

I'm about to say hi when he yells, "I don't care if you don't feel the same way, Mia, I will always love you!"

I bet you're thinking that I've finally snapped. That I've lost whatever hold I have on reality. But I swear I'm not making this up. Why on earth would I want to make this up? And don't suggest that I'm a sucker for punishment. When Kenny told me about him telling Mia how much he cared, this was NOT what I had in mind. Me and my big mouth.

My jaw nearly hitting the floor, I spun around to see Mia's face. It was totally drained of color. She looked like she was about to faint. Then she turned and dragged Shameeka away without saying anything to Kenny.

Judith turned to me. "Did you hear what Kenny just said?"

I stared at her. "Judith, the entire freaking hallway just heard what Kenny said."

And sure enough, everyone was laughing and talking about it.

Judith must have realized that I wasn't exactly thrilled about this. "I think it's kind of sweet," she offered.

"Sweet?" I repeated incredulously. This proves, once and for all, that I will never understand females. "It wasn't sweet, it was idiotic! Now Mia's completely humiliated!"

"Okay, maybe he could have found a better place to tell her," Judith agreed.

"No, he could have definitely found a better place to tell her," I told Judith. "Like somewhere where a third of the school can't overhear!"

Judith looked startled. "Well, you have to admit that it's cute. I mean, it took David four months before he said the L word. Kenny and Mia have been going out for what, two?" David is Judith's boyfriend who goes to Trinity.

"This wasn't cute or sweet, it just proves that Kenny's turning into a stalker," I growled.

"Michael-"

"No, I'm not going to take it back. Has he lost his mind?" I demanded. "What was he thinking?"

Judith shrugged. "Look, I've got to get to class. You've got G&T fifth period, so I'll talk to you again. Okay?"

"Sure," I said.

"And Michael?"

I'd been walking towards my next class, but I turned around. "Yeah?"

"I-uh, well, if I was Mia, I'd be happy that someone thought of me in that way," Judith said. "Just so you don't worry about her or anything." Judith's has got this idea that I think of Mia as my little sister, and that I have to protect her. The truth is that my feelings are as far away from brotherly emotion as possible.

I nodded. "Yeah. Look, Judith, I've really got to go."

"Sure."

During English, all I could think about was what Judith had said. A lot of girls were saying how sweet Kenny was for doing that. What if Mia thought that what Kenny did was actually cute and she decided to say the same-?

I didn't want to think about that possibility.

Unfortunately for me, it was all Lilly and Judith could talk about during G&T.

"It's really sweet," Judith told Mia. "If you think about it. I mean, the guy's clearly got it bad for you."

Yeah, Kenny's got a major thing for Mia. Unfortunately.

Judith was trying to make Mia feel better, but I could tell that it wasn't working, since Mia was looking at Judith like she was nuts.

Of course, my big-mouthed, annoying, I-know-everything-about-everyone little sister just had to open said big mouth. "He's obviously very in touch with his emotions," Lilly told Mia. "Unlike some people." See, this is what's wrong with Lilly. Instead of telling her friends what they're doing right and supporting them, Lilly has to point out what's wrong with them, and when there's nothing wrong with them, she has to create a problem that they don't really have. Can't she just leave well enough alone?

I'm not really sure why I opened my mouth at this point. Maybe because it was obvious that Mia was for some reason, unable to stand up to Lilly. Or maybe it was because I was at the breaking point after hearing everyone talking about what had happened and wondering if Kenny and Mia were going to elope or whatever.

Anyway, I said, "Just because Mia doesn't go around shouting about how she feels in the third floor hallway doesn't mean she isn't in touch with her emotions."

Lilly and Judith looked at me in shock while Mia gave me a grateful look. I was starting to get a little pissed off. I mean, has anybody thought of the possibility that maybe, just maybe, MIA'S NOT IN LOVE WITH THE GUY????!!!!

It could happen.

"Yeah," Mia said in triumph.

Lilly rolled her eyes and sounded annoyed. For some reason, whenever I voice my opinion when Lilly's giving her so-called good advice to Mia, she gets annoyed. What, is she the only person who's allowed to say something? News flash, Lil, this is the United States, not Lillyville. And there's a little matter of the FIRST AMENDMENT. Free speech and all that.

"Well, you could have said something back to him," Lilly insisted, "instead of just leaving him hanging there."

"And what," Mia demanded, "should I have said to him?"

"How about," Lilly sarcastically suggested, "that you love him back?"

By this point, everyone in the damn room was listening. I was praying to whatever deity was listening that Mia would say that she didn't feel the same way. I mean, if there's any justice left in this world, she would say that she didn't think of Kenny in that way, that he was just a friend, and that she happened to be madly in love with me.

Well. It could happen. If there was any justice left on this earth, it would have.

And it did. Well, sort of.

"Look," Mia said, her cheeks burning. "I really and truly value Kenny's companionship," Mia insisted. "But love. I mean, love. That is a very big thing." And it is. They've only been going out for two months, for God's sake. Why is everyone expecting Mia to be madly and passionately in love with him? "I'm not, I mean, I don't…." Mia trailed off at this point.

I was ready to finish the sentence for her. I mean, it was obvious she didn't feel the same way. If she did, why would she be freaking out like this? But Judith gave me this warning look. I know she meant, 'Michael, this is none of your business and you've already butted in once, so why don't you just let Mia talk now?'

Lilly's eyes narrowed, a sure sign that she was about to start psychoanalyzing Mia. You know, you're supposed to have a license to psychoanalyze someone, so why is Lilly, who is still a freshman in high school, analyzing people every chance she gets? I mean, she's always ranting about how she wants to strike her own path and not follow in Mom and Dad's footsteps, so what is she doing analyzing her head off?

"I see. Fear of commitment," Lilly declared.

"I do not fear commitment," Mia insisted. "I just-"

At this point, Judith nudged me and suggested we get back to work. I was about to protest, but she shot me another warning look, but this one said, 'Michael, stay out of this, because it's none of your business.' So I shut up and got to work on the stupid program while my stupid psychopath of a sister psychoanalyzed her perfect but clueless best friend.

You know, it is my business whether or not Kenny and Mia stay together. I mean, if a person sees an accident about to happen, isn't it his duty as a human being to try and stop it?

Well, Kenny and Mia are horrible together. I mean, it's perfectly obvious that Mia's not interested in Kenny. Not at all. And they're not suited to each other at all. So, shouldn't I, as a human being interested in the well being of other fellow human beings, help Mia voice her true feelings?

Okay, okay, I admit that I'm just hoping that the reason Mia's not interested in Kenny is because she happens to be wildly, passionately, and overpoweringly in love with me.

So I've got an active fantasy life. Sue me.

BTW, Lilly made Mia write up a list of people that Mia could see herself committing to for all eternity. I managed to sneak a peek. Here it is:

GUYS MIA THERMOPOLIS COULD SEE HERSELF COMMITTING TO FOR ALL ETERNITY (commentary by yours truly)

Wolverine of the X-men ( Huh? Dude's kinda hairy, and plus those claw thingies? Ehh.) That Gladiator guy (Russell Crowe? Too old.)

3.   Will Smith. ( Mia, hate to break it to you, but Will Smith is happily married. And has kids.)

4. Tarzan from the Disney cartoon (Hair's too long. Plus, they can't have too good hygeine out there in the jungle. And in case you didn't notice, I'm going to find ways to take down every guy on this list. I'll explain why later.)

The Beast from Beauty and the Beast (She's obviously got an obsession with this story…) That hot solider guy from Mulan (Mia, could you start picking people in this dimension, please?) The guy Brendan Fraser played in The Mummy (I'm starting to sense a pattern here…) Angel (Okay, this is one name that actually makes sense. Every girl I know who's watched Buffy has had a crush on him at one point. But the whole 'having to drink blood to survive' and 'no sex' might put a strain on the relationship.) Tom on Daria (Okay, that's IT. What is WITH her obsession with fictional characters?) Justin Baxendale (Oh my God, Mia, you did NOT put another jock idiot on this list after you finally got over your crush on Josh-I'm-So-Hot-Richter.)

So, wanna take a guess as to why I'm trashing every guy on this list? Go on. No? Well, I'll tell you. I'M NOT ON IT!

How am I supposed to compete with fictional characters that don't exist in this dimension, an actor who pulls in 20 million per movie, and a guy who has outed the mighty Josh Richter as Hottest Male In School, I ask you?

Not to mention the fact that Mia's already got a boyfriend who is not at all afraid to declare his love for her in public.

I am so completely screwed it isn't even funny.

After the most bizzare Computer Club meeting in history…

My life is currently spinning out of control.

Okay, I was at the meeting of the Computer Club, right? Even though we really need to work on the booth for the Carnival, everyone's basically slacking off, and Judith's trying to get us to work. Wasn't happening.

So everyone's chatting, and Judith's trying to restore order, and then Kenny walks in. Everyone falls silent and stares at him.

Kenny breaks the silence with a loud sigh. As he drops his backpack on the floor, he goes, "Guess I don't need to ask you guys whether you heard about what happened."

Paige, a freshman, says instantly, "No, Kenny, it was really…sweet."

I snort and Judith elbows me. 'Sweet' was not how I'd describe THE INCIDENT. (That's how I'm seeing it in my mind now, in capital letters.) A case of incredible stupidity, yes. Evidence or a clearly twisted mind, obviously. But sweet? Come on. If I had any idea that this what would come out of my advice on the 7th, I would have hung up on him immediately.

Matt, a senior, jumps in. "It's cool that you feel that way and all, but-damn, don't you think you could have found somewhere more-private?"

Kenny's looking embarrassed, a fact that I take joy in. (Oh yeah, I'm definitely going to have to schedule an analysis with my parents later on.) "I know, but-dammit, I didn't expect her to react like that!"

Okay, at this point, I have to step in. HAVE to. Even though my brain is screaming at me not to, my mouth flat-out refuses to listen.

"And just," I demand, staring at him, "how did you expect her to react?" Judith elbows me again, this time a little harder.

Kenny sighed again. "I don't know! I'm not saying she had to kiss me back but-anything-even a slap would have been better than the deer-in-headlights look on her face and her running off in the opposite direction!"

After this, my brain loses all control over my big mouth.

"You've been going out since Halloween, right Kenny?" I ask.

Kenny's unsure where I'm going with this. "Yeah…"

"And in this time, I'm guessing the two of you talked."

He's still confused, and now everyone's looking at us. Judith doesn't know what I'm doing, but I can tell she doesn't like the sound of it.

"Well, yeah-"

"So in all that time, it never occurred to you that not only is Mia extremely introverted, but that she hates making scenes in public?" I ask incredulously.

I mean, come on people, he's her boyfriend, for crying out loud. He's supposed to know this kind of stuff.

By this point, everyone's staring at me and Kenny's face is turning a very interesting shade of pink.

"Michael…" I hear Judith hiss. I turn to see her glaring at me. Not up to Lilly's glares, which could strike fear into the heart of Genghis Khan, but still, a pretty damn good glare.

"Hey, I just want to know why he couldn't have told her when one-third of the freaking school can't hear!" I say loudly.

Kenny interrupts quietly. "That wasn't the first time I told her."

We all look at him, and he uncomfortably continues. "I kind of-toldheroverthephone."

After that revelation, I'm convinced that not even Dr. Freud would have able to straighten Kenny out. 

"You declared your love for her over the phone." I repeat flatly.

"Yeah." Kenny's face is turning bright pink. "And uh-while her reaction wasn't as bad as today's, it-it wasn't good."

"What happened?" Judith asked gently.

"After I said-well, you know-there was this really long silence. Like Titantic director's cut-length. And then she said, and I quote, 'Um, okay.' That's what she said. 'Um, okay.'"

My mouth falls open. But there's more.

"And then she said, and again this is a direct quote, 'Well, see you tommorrow.' Then she hangs up."

By now, my jaw is nearly hitting the floor and I'm trying to grasp the magnitude of what I've just heard.

There's only one explanation.

Mia's not in love with Kenny.

I mean, seriously, if she were in love with Kenny, would her reaction be like-that?

Finally, Matt speaks. "Are you sure that's what she said?"

Kenny looks at him and says flatly, "That was the first time I've said 'I love you' to someone who wasn't my mom. Her reaction's been burned into my brain. Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

I quickly grab a manual and hide my face behind it. Unfortunately, Judith notices the huge grin I'm sporting.

Or maybe she just noticed that I was holding the book upside-down.

At any rate, she realises something's up.

"Can I talk to you outside?' she hisses in my ear.

"Actually, Miss Gershner, I'd like to do that myself if you don't mind," I hear behind me.

Everyone's head snaps toward the door.

Mr. Gianini, Mia's stepfather, is standing inside the doorway, looking incredibly amused.

"How much did you hear?" Judith asks, my mouth being unable to work for once.

Mr. Gianini smiles strangely. "Enough."

Lilly's yelling for me to come to dinner. More later.

After a dinner that was weird even for this family…

My parents think that Mia has intamicy issues and is clearly unable to commit to her relationship with Kenny. They also think that Kenny is very 'in-tune with his emotions' but is also very impulsive. Lilly agrees with them.

Why was I born into a family that is clearly delusional?

Anyway, back to the tale…

I walk out into the hallway with Mr. Gianini. He closes the door, and I'm tempted to tell him that that's not going to stop everyone from hearing, since they probably have their ears plastered to the door.

"So," Mr. Gianini says with that strange smile on his face. "What's going on?"

"Going on?" My voice squeaks, and I clear my throat. "Nothing's going on."

Mr. Gianini's smile grows wider. "That's not what I saw. What I saw was you chewing off poor Kenny's head in there."

"Okay, first off, he's not 'poor Kenny', all right. The guy's a lunatic. He's certifiable-" I start to rant, then break off when Mr. Gianini starts laughing.

He calms down and waves a hand. "Please continue. I'm kind of curious to find out why you're so upset over this."

"Well-it's just-you know, I've known Mia for a long time and…I guess I see her as a little sister."

Mr. Gianini's got that strange smile on his face again. "I see."

BAM. I realise what that smile of Mr. Gianini's means.

It's the smile of a man that has finally managed to prove something that he's suspected for a while, and is incredibly amused over this fact.

In other words, he's figured out that I've got a major thing for his stepdaughter.

Oh, crap. I'm screwed.

"Well, I'm grateful that you're-uh, looking out for my stepdaughter and everything, but just tone it down a little, okay?" Mr. Gianini suggests.

I shrug. "Okay."

He starts walking away, then turns back towards me. "Did-did Kenny really say 'I love you' over the phone?" he asks.

I nod my head.

He shakes his head slightly. "Huh." He starts walking again, and over his shoulder, he says, "By the way, Michael, if you want to remain in denial about the fac that you've got a thing for Mia, that's fine by me."

By the time I get my jaw off the floor, he's gone.

I shake my head. "Oh, yeah. I'm screwed."

I walk into the room, and everyone's pretending to work, shooting me looks out of the corner of their eyes. I stop in the middle of the room. "All right, how much did you hear?" I demand.

"Nothing," Paige said in a tone of disappointment. "The door was too thick."

Everyone glares at her and she cringes. "Sorry!"

Judith looks at me. "So, what did he say?"

I shrug. "Not much. He wanted me to stop picking on Kenny so much."

Hey, it's the truth. Sort of. Okay, a selective truth.

"So, he's not mad?" Kenny asks nervously.

I shake my head. "Nah." Then I start feeling a little twinge of guilt. After all, Kenny's IS an okay guy. Sometimes. When he's not screaming about how much he loves Mia in the hallway. "Hey, Kenny, I'm sorry about yelling at you. It's just-I see Mia as a sister, you know? And I have to torture the guys she goes out with. It's a unwritten rule."

Kenny smiles. "It's cool."

The tension immediately leaves the room.

Judith says in a busines-like tone. "Okay, now that that's settled, can we PLEASE get back to work?"

All right. So I lied about seeing Mia as a sister. Hey, as my grandmother always said, "Life would be an unbearable thing if we didn't believe at least a few lies."

So I'm really making life more bearable for Kenny by letting him believe I see Mia as a sister, instead of telling him the truth, which is that I'm madly in love with his girlfriend. I'm being noble. Helping a fellow human being in need.

Even if I still think he belongs in a padded cell wearing a straitjacket.

At 9:00, after receiving a truly bizarre e-mail…

This time, I really mean it. Lilly has lost whatever grip she had on reality. This isn't me saying that just because she's my annoying little sister, this is me saying this because she is obviously a sociopath and belongs in the mental ward. But do my parents realize this? No, they insist that Lilly is exercising her constitutional right to a peaceful protest.

If our founding forefathers could see how Lilly is twisting this right around, they might have thought twice about putting this in the Constitution.

Lilly figured out how to send a mass e-mail to everyone in the school without my help. I'm not surprised, seeing as how even though she might be a twisted genius, she is still a genius.

Basically, it says that there will be a silent walkout at 10:00 exactly to protest the apparent repressive censorship in the school and the inflexible exam schedules that the Gupta administration is enforcing.

I know she's expecting everyone to actually do it, including me.

Well, I'm not going to do it. This is the stupidest idea I've ever seen Lilly come up with and I am most definitely not going to stand around in the cold without a coat for a cause that I don't even believe in! I am not willing to support my sister's apparent ambition to turn into some kind of dictator, thank you very much. Besides, has Lilly even realized that Mia has Algebra at that time? Her stepfather teaches that class. How's he going to feel when everyone in the class, including his own stepdaughter, walks out?

And has she even considered the fact that somebody could actually get hit by a car? I mean, there are delivery trucks going across 75th all the time. But noooo, just because Mrs. Spears decided not to accept her paper topic, she has to go and punish the entire student body and the faculty.

I instant-messaged Mia, knowing that she's usually on the Internet at this time.

CracKing: Did you just get that whacked-out mass e-mail from my sister?

FtLouie: Yes.

CracKing: You're not going along with her stupid walkout, are you?

FtLouie: Oh, right. She won't be too mad if I don't, or anything.

For crying out loud, Mia's stood up to Lilly before. Why can't she do it now?

CracKing: You don't have to do everything she says, you know, Mia. I mean, you've stood up to her before. Why not now?

And why not? What's Lilly going to do? I'll tell you, nothing. I stand up to Lilly all the time. If I didn't, she'd make my life a living hell.

FtLouie: I find that the path of least resistance is often the safest one with your sister. 

Anyway, our conversation consisted of her congratulating me in getting into Columbia, and me inviting her to check out the Computer Club's table. I don't think she'll be upset about us showing Mr. Gianini in footie pajamas with a teddy bear, since she's been pretty cool about the whole her-stepfather-being-her-teacher thing.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. That I'm putting the moves on Mia. But I'm not. Really.

Honest.

I swear.

Okay, so maybe I am. A little. Hey, she's not in love with Kenny. Right? Besides, it's not like she's married. We're just friends. And as her friend, can't I invite her somewhere?

All right, all right. I'm hopelessly in love with Mia and I'm also praying that she falls madly in love with me and dumps Kenny. Yeah, I've got some major issues, even though my parents are psychoanalysts. So what?

Like I said, insanity is evidently going around Albert Einstein like the flu. Let's just hope it's temporary.