Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

Dear Harry,

I cannot tell you how am I able to tell you Hi from Padfoot and Remus. It's too risky to put in a letter that can be' easily intercepted.

Dumbledore got your letter. At first he thought you were joking about writing to Voldemort, but when it was confirmed' that you had Dumbledore was not happy.

Mrs. Weasley wasn't happy either and she is going to have a few things to say to you next time she sees you.

The twins and Padfoot thought it was hilarious though.

Love Hermione.

Dear Potter,

No I do not have an army of squirrels following you or planning to kill you, nor will I tell Dumbledore that I have.

And I will not say "Harry, I am your father next we meet".

Do not write me again, go away bug someone else.

The Dark Lord.

Dear Hermione,

Tell Dumbledore I do not care if he is happy or not. He couldn't even take a couple of seconds to write to me.

Voldemort wrote to me and he hates me. Well I assume he hates me as he has tried to kill me a lot.

In other and completely unrelated news I think my aunt and uncle have an alien living inside them.

I am not sure, will need to investigate further.

Love Harry

P.S Tell Padfoot, Ron and Mrs. Weasley I'll send them a letter.

P.P.S Tell Dumbledore I am going to write Voldemort again.

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Would you please write to Voldemort and get him to say "Harry, I am your father."

Because I really think he'll listen to you as you're super scary.

Love Harry.

Dear Padfoot,

I have the sneaking feeling that aliens are living inside my aunt and uncle, I fear they want to eat the flesh from my bones.

It is all rather scary actually so please come and save me.

Also bite Dumbledore for me, he's a jerk.

Love Harry.

Dear Voldemort,

You never do anything for me, you're completely unreasonable so I had no choice but to set Molly Weasley on you.

Sorry dude, but you should have agreed to my simple request.

Also my scar keeps burning when you're angry, I think we have some weird creepy connection.

So take up anger management, you little demon.

The boy who lives to annoy you.

Dear Ron,

Be a pal and get Sirius to save me and to bite Dumbledore. Also if could get your mother to write to Voldemort that'd be' swell.

Because I've already told Voldemort she would and I don't want to look like a liar in front my arch-enemy.

Sincerely Harry.

Dear Harry,

Padfoot bit Dumbledore, but he can't come and get you or write to you.

Me and Hermione are barely able to sneak letters to you.

Sorry mate, but you're going to have to look like a liar because my mum won't write to Voldemort for you.

Hermione sends her love and hopes to write to you soon.

Sincerely Ron.